Every single piece of machinery in the room whirred into life, turning to point at his face. Lasers, turrets, harpoons, spinning saws, homing missiles, and, for some reason, a massive hotdog hanging from a rope, all weapons of mass destruction, all pointing directly at him.

"One more step," a wavering voice called with a strong accent. "And you'll be vaporized in a tenth of a second."

"Dr. Krauss," he replied calmly. "Turn off the defense mechanisms. I'm only here to talk."

"Oh no Captain McLean, surely you think I'm smarter than that."

"I do. That's why you'll know that I'm saying the truth."

Captain Edward McLean of the Cleburg Police Department heard muttering from a hidden alcove overhead. The words couldn't be pleasant. A few seconds later, the machines deactivated, sighing as they retreated back to their inconspicuous holdings. Edward was almost disappointed to see the hotdog yanked back into some tiny room, ready to fight off potential invaders.

"Come in, Captain," the doctor said. Doctor Krauss had a reedy voice that often cracked near the end of his sentence, and it was a common joke in the Department that one of the most dangerous men in the city sounded more like an angsty teenager than a mad supervillain.

Edward's shined black shoe moved forwards, but it stopped just before the threshold. Narrowing his eyes, he reached into his light coat's pocket and pulled out a rubber duck, one of those squeaky yellow ones you convince your child to set loose on a river and lose forever, thus contributing to the steeply increasing rate of pollution and forming a deep psychological complex in the poor child that would eventually lead him/her to commit suicide. Yeah, one of those ducks. He promptly tossed it into Dr. Krauss's laboratory. As the duck sailed through the air and past the threshold, it was immediately peppered with bullets. The deflated duck dropped to the floor, squeaking dejectedly.

"Dr. Krauss," McLean repeated, unfazed. "Turn off the defense mechanisms."

"Scheiße! Dumme Schwuchtel!"

"Language, Enigma. I'm waiting."

There was a pause, then a loud clicking noise followed by a beep.

"Did you turn it off? Is it safe now?"

"Ja, verdammt noch mal! It's as safe as it can get. Now come in before I change my mind."

Captain McLean thought that was safe enough and stepped through the threshold. Luckily, he made it through, because if he didn't then this story wouldn't be here on this cesspool of badboy×goodgirl stories.

The laboratory was huge. In fact, it was so spacious that I am very tempted to say it was too large to describe, because I'm lazy and I want to get to the action. Alas, it seems we both are forced to see this laboratory through Captain Edward McLean's eyes.

Stainless steel panels spread across the uncarpeted floor, which was surprisingly cleaned to a gleaming polish. If McLean had to guess, Krauss kept it spotless through the use of cleaning robots (he did). The walls were plastered with blueprints of discarded projects, some of them torn down with frustration or contempt. They showed various inventions and schematics; automatic toothbrushes, self disposing instant noodles, telepathic caps, tactical nukes, and an extra large hotdog.

"Ah, I see you are admiring my marvelous creation," the doctor's voice mused from his right. Edward glanced over, and there he was, the mad doctor.

Ugh. Now we have to describe him.

Enigma Krauss was a scarecrow of a man, fully complete with the jittery smile and twitching limbs, just like your average garden scarecrow. He had thin white hair on a large, balding head, fit with the inevitable mad doctor's thick glasses drooping from his hawk nose and the stained white lab coat. All this made him look much older than he actually was. The mad doctor was fourty-six, but he looked at least sixty-nine. If he actually cared about his looks, Krauss could've probably brewed an age potion to preserve his young age. There are more ways to look young than stealing souls. However, the mad doctor seemed more interested in designing giant killer hot dogs.

"My most marvelous creation," Dr. Krauss cooed, stroking the blueprint of the hotdog with a surprisingly steady and gentle finger. "I bet you think this is a hotdog, Captain McLean."

Edward grinned uneasily. "You mean... It isn't?"

"Ha! Ignorant as always. This is the great Tolle Wurst, ingeniously fabricated in the heart of the German countryside by underpaid minors!"

"Oh, uh, that's cool. So, what does it do?"

Enigma Krauss smiled slyly and made no reply. McLean suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

"Well, Captain, come along. Roboter! Get Captain McLean a chair! And make us two cups of kaffee!"

Edward settled down on the comfortable beanbag chair, nodding curtly at the dog sized robot that did Krauss's bidding. The robot smiled, and Ed could swear it looked just like Marilyn Monroe. Then its face changed, and suddenly it looked like Keanu Reeves. Its synthetic face was changing to resemble famous celebrities.

"You called your robot 'Robot'?"

The doctor seemed taken aback. He raised a thin eyebrow at McLean with unfeigned surprise.

"How did you know? You speak German, Captain?"

"Well, uh... You called it Roboter, and I just assumed that translated to..."

"Oh," Krauss sighed. The doctor sounded relieved. "Anyway, let's get to business. What brings you to my humble workstation?"

'Humble,' McLean grumbled in his head. 'The hotdog's containment room is probably as large as my bedroom. I'd shove humble up his ass if I didn't need him.'

"It's Tolle Wurst. Not hotdog."

"Pardon?"

"You were staring at my Tolle Wurst's containment chamber, and the look on face suggested what you were thinking. You were thinking 'hotdog'."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Dr. Krauss shrugged, but the corners of his lips tugged up in a slight smile.

"You didn't answer my question, Captain McLean."

"Please, call me Ed."

"Very well, Captain Ed. What brings you to my humble workstation?"

Edward sat up straighter, knitting his eyebrows in what he hoped conveyed seriousness and professionalism.

"Dr. Krauss. Why do you do the things that you do?"

"Is that a riddle?"

"No. I'd like to know why you build illegal weapons and threaten the lives of people."

"Ah, so a therapy session?"

"No! Doctor Krauss, I'd like to know your supervillain motives."

"What? You want me to say something about how I want to rule the world or something?"

"Well..."

"Komm schon Captain Ed, do I look like your stereotypical mad scientist supervillain?"

"Uh..."

"That's because I am! I am a mad scientist! But I don't do this because I am mad."

"You're not leaving much room for character development..."

"I do this for my wife."

"Romantic. You see her often?"

"She's dead."

"Oh...? I'm sorry for your loss."

"I hated her."

"Well, the world is better off without her, if you ask me."

"Thank you, Captain Ed! I agree."

Edward silently cursed himself for not doing enough research. Still, it was better to hear this from the mad scientist himself.

"Well, Doctor, why are you a supervillain?"

"I do it to spite her memory! Hahaha! Stupid bitch! She hated my research, gave me hell for it her whole life. She was probably just jealous my sex bots were more attractive. Hahaha!"

"Oh," Edward said uncomfortably. On the floor, Roboter winked at him seductively. It didn't help that it was currently imitating Jack Black's face.

"Yes," Dr. Krauss said gravely. "I take my origin story very seriously."

"Understandable. I thought you were going to say something about devoting yourself to science to cure her cancer or something."

"Captain Ed, that's quite cold," Krauss frowned. "Also, not a very creative origin story. I like mine better."

"Yes yes, I'm sorry. Anyway doctor, I came here with a proposal."

"No."

"What?"

"You heard me. My answer is no."

"But I didn't even-"

"I figured it out. You were either going to ask me to be your husband, considering you are clearly homosexual. That's a no, I'm not looking to get married, no matter how attractive suitors can get."

"But-"

"Or, you were going to ask me to design a series of weapons or armor for the CPD. Another no, I'm not interested in funding my greatest enemy."

"That wasn't-"

"Or you are interested in my sex bots and would like to purchase a copy or two. I have male versions if that's your preference. Hmmm... I might consider that."

"I don't-"

"Actually, there's a fourth option, but the chances for that are remote and closer to Null Prozent. That option is highly unlikely and I will only entertain it for plot purposes."

"Huh?"

"Basically, you, Captain Edward McLean of the Cleburg Police Department, have been alerted to a large threat that has placed this city in danger. The police force is unable to combat this threat, so you resort to employing some lesser threats, the city's local villains. You came to me first so I can help you convince them to join you. These villains will utilize their collective skills to fight this larger threat before it can destroy Cleburg and trigger the loss of many innocent lives. That, however, is unlikely."

"Doctor, I'm here to ask you to help me create a team. A team of supervillains working together with the CPD to fight off invading forces from the Western Kingdom."

"The Western Kingdom? But they've been peaceful since - well, forever."

"They've changed their policies. It seems a new ruler has taken over, and with the new King comes new priorities. They are marching towards Cleburg as we speak, Doctor. You have to help us."

"No."

"No?!"

"No."

"But... Why?"

"I'm just fucking around, count me in. It's my city after all, and no other place will have a police force so incompetent that I can retain my freedom."

Edward felt like he was smacked in the face, yet the smile on his face was genuine and relieved.

"That's great to hear, Doc. I'll call the department immedia-"

"You still didn't tell me what you're giving me in return for my help."

"You get to stay alive and keep your lab out of the hands of Western Barbarians?"

"And the police drop all charges against me. I want my records cleared out and handed to me."

"You know we can't do that."

"I also want three million dollars in cash. And all your junk electronics and wires."

"You're asking for too much."

Doctor Krauss took off his glasses and fixed Edward with a solemn stare.

"You give me all that I listed, and I will gladly lend you my assistance."

"You'll get them all except for our junk electronics and wires. That's my final offer. Take it or leave it."

Dr. Krauss fell silent. He thought. And he thought. And he considered. And he thought. Then, just when Edward thought he would refuse, the doctor nodded.

"Deal."

The two men shook hands, and Ed was surprised by how firm the scientist's grip was.

"So, Captain Ed, what do we know so far?"

"Not that much," Ed squirmed. "They're mobilizing thousands of troops and advanced weaponry. It seems they really took a step forwards in technology. I was hoping you'd know something about that."

The mad doctor's eyes widened.

"Sigmund."

"So you know who's helping them?"

"Of course! It's Dr. Sigmund Steiner, my Austrian counterpart. Those damn Austrians, always starting wars and blaming us for them!"

"This Sigmund Steiner... Who is he?"

"He's the most uninteresting anti-villain ever! So drab and unoriginal. Imagine a villain who commits crimes for revenge over an unjustly killed family. I call him Sigmund Wanksteiner, just for that cringeworthy backstory."

"So he's also a scientist. How good is he?"

The Doctor's response was a stream of German unpleasantries and rude hand gestures. McLean guessed this Steiner was at least as good as Krauss. Which wasn't good for the CPD and their growing team of villains.

"Anyway," Ed interjected quickly. "Next, we have to recruit Laguna Cane, mistress of stealth. I heard she's a real beauty."

That seemed to calm Krauss down, at least for now.

"Frau Cane, you say? What's the date today?"

"It's the... 27th of August."

"Ah... That'll be a little problematic."

"Why so? I have some intel on where she is currently staying. With your help, we'll convince her to join our cause. She's one of the more, uh, stable ones, so she should listen to reason."

"That's not the problem..."

"What is it, then?"

"I'm not sure how we can get close to her Residenz without losing our heads to throwing discs."

"Not sure I understand..."

"I'm not sure how I can explain this either, Captain Ed. It's... That time."

"What time?"

"Her time. It's now."

"... She's dying?"

"Blödhammel, nein! She's on her God damned period! Ihre Menstruationsperiode! The time of the month where she bleeds from her genital!"

"And...? We can buy her chocolate or something. Women like that, don't they?"

"Normally, yes. But we already have a bit of a bad history."

It was McLean's turn to let loose his stream of insults. Why was he so unlucky? First, he was assigned to form this deadly team. Now his future teammates had personal vendettas against each other?

"How bad is this... History?"

"Hmm... If she's in a good mood, she wants to cut off my testicles and feed them to me."

Captain Edward McLean groaned loudly, pushing the robot that imitated Jack Black's face away from his leg.

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I ended up posting this. The reason as to why I dropped Bounty Hard for the time being is that it's very energy draining and in need of major editing. It'll be on hold for some time but for now I'll be working on C.O.S.V.I.C.

So, if you enjoyed, please recommend this to your friends. Also, drop a comment and tell me what you think. Did you like the humor? Was it too far? Are the characters interesting? I'd like to hear everything, so if you'd like to do me a huge favor please leave some criticism, constructive or not. I'd really really appreciate that.

This is not a ripoff of suicide squad. I'm a huge DC fan but I only noticed the similarities after a friend pointed them out.

Bla bla, copyright, bla bla, any correlation with real life events or people is coincidental, the dark jokes are intended for comedic purposes not to offend anyone, etc. etc.

Have a wonderful day/evening.