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Past diaries II- Daehye

Currently there wasn't any problem. Daehye secured a score good enough on her SAT and the entrance exam in Kaist too. The academic pressure wasn't weighing down on her. Nothing was. Except one thing.

Her parents planned a trip to Japan. Apparently because they didn't really go anywhere for a vacation from past five years and her parents had a big contract finally.

But they planned a trip with the Park family. Which means Jay would be coming too. Since the day he said 'you make me jealous' ; she had officially lost her cool around him. She shrugged his words off but internally she gave it a thought.

It's evident. She remembers screaming 'stop' when a lyric from a Taylor swift song went like 'I'm so chill but you make me jealous.' They were so awkward around each other and so much tension had been built up in the past one month.

No way she could go on a trip with him. "Papa can I attend the summer school Kaist is launching." Her father's focus stayed on the phone screen. "Yeah sure."

"It's next week."

"No then not, we're going for the trip remember?" Yeah she did, that's why she asked in the first place. "It's gonna save you money from my side." It was a nice tactic, but it won't work.

"We're practically paying nothing Lavya, Jaesung got us such a heavy discount on the hotel stay." A sigh left from her lips. There was no option, communication is the key they said. So she would communicate the fuck out of this weird vibe Jay created between them.

"Okay." She tapped the table and left for her room. With nothing much to do and with the revision left for the upcoming class she finally mustered up the courage and took out the big some five thousand pages long book. It was a book which was enough to make anyone cry.

'Basic fundamentals of mathematics and physics' and then her professor's statement made a way back to her head. "If you want to make sure that you achieve a high rank and get a doctorate from say- Harvard then this is your lifeline. You see there's not much difference between someone who has mastery on basic physics and someone who has not but it will indeed be visible when you go in cancer studies, or eye optics engineering. Or the branch of genetic alteration."

So here she was. On her table. Sighing for the third time in the last two minutes. She couldn't give up without trying. She had to do it. She can't leave her second dream because there is a gigantic speed breaker. She had to get over it.

After two hours her head was in her hands. "Bitch how is the chain rule related to genomes." She believed that she would go haywire any fucking second now. "Make me study biophysics, why are you asking us the instantaneous magnetic field at the centre of the square." She rubbed her eyes and got up to take a damn break. She walked up to the nightstand and removed her phone from the charger. There were a few texts from Ara, and one from Jay.

One from Jay.
It was two hours back.
'Wanna hangout?'
She had been trying to do PHD in physics from past two hours.

A facepalm and then she decided to call him. "Hey." He picked up at the very first ring and for some reason she was all cheeky. A smile spread on her face.

"Sorry I was doing some school work, you wanna to catch up now?"

"Yeah I'm already walking towards your society. Just come downstairs." She was already outside her house, straightening her sweatshirt, pressing the escalator button. "Okay." She cut the call and saw her face in the mirror when the escalator opened. She was thankful that Korean skin care had been treating her with such care. "Wipe that damn smile off your face Eklavya." She said to her reflection and pressed the button for the ground floor.

A ding and then a greeting. "Heyo." A deep voice welcomed her, she just slightly smiled. "Hey." She extended her hand for a high five but yet again his actions weren't really in control of his brain right now. As if it was a reflex he grabbed her hand held it. He could've sworn that he caught her almost gasping.

To not make it obvious, he simply pulled her out of the lift. "I wasn't going to stay there forever." She let go off his hold, she wasn't liking how warm it was- or how good it felt. She had held hands with other people but not romantically.

"It's a habit, I pull Jake like that too if it makes you sleep at night." Of course it will now. There is no absolute reason for her to believe that Jay developed a microscopic crush on her. "Yeah, like I want you grabbing my hand out of the blue." Eklavya Min was perfect at hiding her emotions by spewing sentences which differed from her beliefs at times.

"Japan's not gonna work if we keep this up." He added. "What? What are we keeping up?"

"Debates, you proving me wrong- me holding arguments, doing that shit."

"Our basic relationship is established on the basis of arguments and debate. If my mom is gonna slap my head from behind while we're arguing, then so be it." She said nonchalantly.

"We can put a pause on these banters jagi."

"Did you just call this.." she spin her index finger between them, "banters? And no I'm not your Jagi, dude." 

"Banters means debates."

"Banters means playful teasing genius, we are not teasing." Jay took out his phone, googled the word banter and Daehye went beside him as the site loaded. Playful teasing in a good humored way.

"We have full fledged, as if we would lose our lives if we don't win this argument dissensions." She folded her arms and looked up at him, only to realize that they were standing close. Close enough that she could smell his cologne.

She backed a few steps immediately. "But I like the way we test each other's limits, that's why I called you today."

"To get on my nerves?" She asked him while they started walking towards the exit. "In all honesty- we were having this strange tension and I wanted to put an end to it."

"Yeah that's true." She chuckled, at least he was good at sensing the atmosphere. "For what reason do you want, to be good enough for me?" She asked in a go, with stuttering- straight up putting her thoughts up front because this question was not letting her focus. It was leading to blacking out in the classes and she didn't want that at any expense.

"Be brutally honest with me." She warned him. "You sure you want that?" He double checked. What if. That question was going round and round in his head too. Strange how they both occupied each other's thoughts. Strange how they wanted clear cut answers, reciprocity instead of baseless queries.

"Yes." He breathed in. Drawing in his courage. "I wasn't aware that you were coming back. But when I was, I didn't even had a second thought. I tricked my teacher into believing that I had a stomach ache that day."

Daehye at least came to realize, in these two months that Jay would never let go off his practice. He had the ambition and he had the support of his parents to achieve his dream of performing on the stage. And he put all his blood, sweat and tears in his rehearsals.

"You never do that." Was all she said while keeping her eyes at the road. "Exactly but I went to that extent for you and I would do that again if that chance was given to me twice." It was now that she stopped. Finally looked at him. For a second which seemed too long before she added. "I like you too."

Did she really just say that? She did and now she was brisk walking at god knows what speed. "Wait." He ran towards her and then grabbed her hand. She looked at their intwined fingers and then he quickly asked. "Can I please hold your hand?"

"You like me that much? Damn."
—

Standing right here, in a Japanese book store with people mumbling around in a language she didn't understand at all. Jay inspecting the comic book section as if it were a crime scene. "I don't know shit about manga and anime." Daehye said lowly, he picked up a book. "What else do we expect from a virgin nerd Indian?"

"Guess I'll just take a stroll in the fictional section." He supposed she didn't hear him correctly, or the fact that she maybe ignored his comment. Did she get triggered- he immediately grabbed her wrist and turned her around, almost in a cringe Bollywood style.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" She asked him, "for calling you an Indian virgin."

"According to data, which was told by my father- forty percent of Microsoft is working on Chinese and Indian brains, it's the calculations of IITians which actually have got USA so high, and you know what? We Indian bitches are so intelligent without even trying that people gape at us, at our abilities. Going to accept that India is an corrupt full of potential but doesn't use it country. But I'm proud of my culture and tradition." She breathed finally, after a full monologue. 

"You give me reasons after reasons, to just make me like you more than I should." He reached for a book behind her. "Just shut up and stop bugging me." She turned around and went to the mythology section.

The trip to Japan paid to be worthwhile. Every second of it was utilised well, from eating japanese noodles to going to lakes, moss gardens and then Daehye telling Jay the folklore of Kisaragi station. They also do remember watching a video called 'things you should never do in Japan' while they were flying back to Seoul and then snorting about how they broke at least half of them. They remember the kiss they shared in their hotel's washroom, and how he used her thigh as a pillow almost all the time. Obviously, they do remember sneaking into each other's rooms and cuddling. They reached a long way in the matter of a week.

One could say that their relationship was page turning, ever moving forward and kinda fast tracked but no. After they returned Daehye had to resume to her college and then Jay had this impeccable dream of becoming and debuting as an idol under Hybe. As the pressure and realization of welcoming adulthood settled on their shoulders they grew farther away in terms of communication. Jay went on from excuses like 'I caught you typing' to all the way 'sorry for the late reply'. But they still stood the test of long distance, it seemed ironic, how he was just a few miles away yet it felt like he was living on a distant planet light years away.

He would never forget the moment it was announced that he would debut and then how at the dinner the following day he gave her a full fledged boyfriend hug right in front of their parents. "It's the nerves. I'm just so excited." he released her a moment later, as he realized that their parents were still here. They met at least once a week, no matter how fucked up their time tables were. He once took her to the Hybe museum and introduced him to his teammates. Their relationship was composed of almost late night meetings and karaoke nights and deep conversations, asking questions of affirmation,

"Are you sure that you're handling this just fine? the weight of our relationship isn't much right?" she would ask, genuinely concerned. Hoping for an honest and straightforward answer. "The only thing you give me is relief Miss Daehye so don't worry, we'd be alright" and she would ask them time and time again, because opinions change and the only constant is change.

The promise of weekly meetings was then broken, once, twice and then they were going without meeting each other for a span of whole month. There sure was a point where Daehye felt that she was the only one checking up on him, keeping scores of how many times he was the one who texted her first. Picking up her phone every now and then just to see if there were any kind of messages but no, there were notifications youtube telling that Enhypen has uploaded content.

But they were the ones who signed up for this shit, she had almost no problem in handling it as well. She wished to universe to stop making her look desperate, to stop making her look so damn excited every time he called or texted.

"Hello?" Daehye said, her voice almost a step away from letting out a squeal, "how did you even manage to call out of your debutant idol schedule?"

"Shut up and listen, date night on saturday." His voice was muffled by background noise, "what on saturday? You're not audible" he got up and excused himself for the washroom, he thanked his luck as it was empty and hoped that no one would come in for the next two minutes.

"Are you free on saturday?" he reframed his question, "Yeah, why though?"

"Our parents have this business meeting coming up, so I was wondering if we could catch up in either of our houses."

"Ask the direct question, I don't have time for your riddles"

"Date, I would very much like to spend an evening with you Miss Daehye." he could see an obvious blush on his neck as he looked up at his reflection, "Oh my god, if it isn't Jay oppa himself asking me for a date- I think I'll faint really out of his busy schedule he takes out his time for me-"

"Shut up." He wanted to continue but was stopped when he heard her laugh, god he missed her too much, too much for his own good.

"What's the time, what's the place?" she asked, already feeling a little lighter, she forgot about how fucked up her life was academically, or how tired she was feeling as it had been only fifteen minutes since she returned from the gym.

"Late, probably 10 pm since we have to go to a shoot."

"What about our parents?"

"They'll return by morning, the meet is in Busan." Oh fab, she wondered where he got all the information from but then she was thinking about what she should wear.

"Saturday is too far." He spoke up. "It's five days away and I'll call you later. I have this test on Friday that I'll have to study for."

"Okay." neither of them cut the call, "thanks for clearing my monday blues, bye now"

"Bye." and by that time she had already declined, he stared at his phone screen for a second and registered that saturday did feel far away.

--

There were times that he would reply under a minute and times where she texted him in the morning and then saw his message pop up when she set up her alarm for the next day. It was okay, she empathized well and understood his conditions.

But what she didn't really get was why he hadn't answered her calls from past four days and she wanted to know if he was even coming, it was 11 pm, fucking 11 pm and he was an hour late already.

The problem was that he seemed to purposely ignore her, Jake was picking up and replying to her texts just fine.

After ten minutes she decided to give up and tied her hair into a messy bun and headed to the washroom. By the time she returned Jay was already sitting on the edge of her bed and swiping through his phone.

It would've been enough to say that she was frustrated and now as his eyes went from her face to her legs. She could not help but simply let her emotions take over her, her blood was boiling at this point and no she wasn't angry because he was late, it was because how he ignored her like she never existed from past four days and now he was here like it was casual for him to see her wrapped in nothing but a towel.

"You cleaned up nice?" he asked as if he was oblivious to the answer, "You don't deserve to see me like this."

He got up and moved towards her, as if the smell of soap pulled him closer. "I'm sorry."

"For what exactly?" her grip tightened around her towel, "for being late, for not answering your texts."

"You have to stop taking us for granted Jay, you've been acting weird, going around like this relationship is the last thing you care about and if it is that way then at least tell me so that I can stop expecting-" and then he was kissing her, kissing her because that seemed like the only thing which would calm her down, because she seemed like a rescue, he forgot every. fucking. thing. when his lips met hers. But for how long would he continue to kiss her worries, it had to stop.

She placed her hands on his neck, tiptoed just a little to get better access and he secured his hands around her waist, pulled her closer. "I should go and wear something." she took a pause to catch her breath, "You should, yes." and then he pulled her in again and she kissed him back like it was the very first time. Everything else seemed like a blur, he was her only focus. Daehye didn't really have any idea how and when she was carried to the bed, just to see him hovering over her, unzipping his jacket in a swift motion.

He kissed her jaw as she unbuttoned his shirt. "I can't guarantee that I'll give you the best time of your life." Of course he couldn't, it wasn't as if he had any experience. "Well, I can say the same," she smiled and brushed his hair back. palpitations, a sudden haziness, sweat on his chest, all the symptoms a man would've experienced when he was on drugs were evident in him.

"I'm feeling a little out of sorts but in a good way." he shook off his shirt, "You don't know how tight my chest feels, I can mistake it for angina at this point."  She liked him to a point where she often questioned herself, is this love?

"Practice makes a man perfect." he unbuckled his belt, "so is this just a practice session for you?" she asked as if she was clueless, "This in my life Daehye, I'm committing to you, like have me the way you want, I don't care." she looked at him for a second. "I like you alot Park Jongseong, alot."

I love it when you call my name, I think I love you too. He thought to himself. His thoughts seemed irrational, dichotomy when he hunched about what would happen tomorrow.

"I like you alot too." and then he put on his entire body weight on her, knowing all too well that he won't stop at just a kiss.
--

Ache, pain "fucking hell." was the first thing and the first words which she thought about but that seemed to fade away a little too quickly when the spot beside her on the bed was empty. "How could he leave?" She picked up her phone from the nightstand to check the time, it was four in the morning and then she dialed his number. It wasn't surprising when it went straight to voicemail. Alternatives running around in her head, was it fine if your boyfriend who also fucked you for the very first time just leave like this? No.

"Pick up the phone." But this time it wasn't Jay who she called, it was Ara but she cut the call after three rings, why was she dragging Ara into her own mess? She got out of the bed, switched on the lights, grabbed a lower and sweatshirt and checked up on her brother. After that she grabbed a glass of milk to ease her lack of sleep.  But despite that she was awake for another two hours, was he cheating on her? Did he get bored? She ruled out the first question but didn't know about the second one.

By 6am, the temperature of the city hit its lowest for the day, the small but cozy apartment which made her feel less mitigated failed to do so for now. The chandelier, the yellow lights which she found comfortable and the white L shaped sofa she had spent three hours on, nothing helped. And suddenly her door bell went off, she was expecting Jay, but it was Ara and it was the first time she was disappointed.

"You called bestie? I figured out that it is unusual for you to call at such odd hours, what's up?" She entered the apartment and Daehye locked the door feeling sorry and cursing herself. Kim Ara could never disappoint, she did the opposite always.  "Jay and I." She wanted to continue but couldn't. "We fucked." and Ara conjured up the conclusion in a mere second, her face was hung. "But there's no post sex glow on your face." Daehye gave her a sarcastic laugh, "my point exactly, i regret this."

"You know the whole thing Ara, he's been acting weird." yep he was and that was the moment when Ara called Jake, and Daehye didn't stop her, why would she? she wanted to get enough of this fuckery right now at this very second.

"Yeah, can you give the phone to Jay. Sure just pass him the phone, yeah lets' catch up. Hey Jay, we need to talk-" and then Daehye snatched the phone from her. "why won't you pick up my call?" Daehye now headed to her bedroom, and so must've Jay because she heard a door open and close. "My battery is dead."

"That's bullshit, just tell me what the fuck is up." her tears on the brink of her eyes, she could sense what was about to come, she continued "Was I not good?" she gulped, and still heard nothing. "I need you to fucking speak." and this time she screamed.

Disenchantment, anger, rage, ego deflated, fuck she couldn't do this anymore, I'm so sorry she repeated to herself in her heart, chanted that it would be alright. It would be, but in how long she didn't know.

"Dammit Jay, just say it." she whispered, " I can't do this anymore." He sounded emotionless, and she hated how vulnerable she felt even though he couldn't see her face.

"Why, what about last night?" she asked him, she remembered how over the course of past two years she asked him questions, he would reply with ease, with laughter, with all his love and how she could tell the determination behind his statement of 'We'll be fine Miss Daehye' when she asked him what would happen to them when it was announced that he would debut, when they couldn't find the time, when there was doubt.

'We'd be alright.'

'I will never leave you.'

'I like you alot.' This was just a few hours ago. "It was just another night for me." she felt so used, she felt the need to wash herself off, "Another? Just another night? I gave myself to you, I gave you my love, I gave you all my care and this is how you reciprocate? another night? how much are you even fucking? This wasn't the first time for you was it?"

Deafening silence, "I have questions Jay, I need explanations."

Tell me this is a joke, tell me you still care, assure me just like you always do.

Tell me you like me alot, just once. Even if you don't mean it.

"It wasn't." Tears spilled out but she didn't make a sound, "why would you say the things you don't mean-"

"Can't you see it? are you a fool? I'm tired of this, of handling this relationship. Of this façade and every time I call you it feels like it's a job waiting to be done with. I lost my feelings for you. End of the chapter." her head was a swirl of chemicals, half of them pouring sadness like an uninterrupted rain, half of them spiraling around like a thunderstorm filled with fury.

"Did you just come to fuck me?" another gulp, followed by wiping her tears with her sleeves. "Obvious reasons, hormones took control." she used to love his voice, on the phone or right when he was in front of her. Her own feelings, likings and biases took a one eighty degree turn on her.

She slaved on her body, worshipped it. For it gave the elegance when she ice skated, for all the pains it endured when she was met with an accident, for how beautifully it healed itself. Bones and flesh of hers, she loved them so much and to give it away to just anyone would be uttermost disrespect. But she did that, didn't she? She gave herself away to someone who used it and threw it away.

"Make sure that I don't see your face ever again." and then she cut the call. She hated herself, despised the fuck out of him. how could she let herself get carried away? How could she still hope that she'd be called back.

"Ara." she said loudly, she must've been on the door because she entered the moment Daehye called for her, "could you please switch on the geyser, I need to catch a bath."

"Sure." Ara said, after fifteen minutes, she heard a scream from the washroom, and then a shrill cry.

Ara knew that Daehye would scrub herself so ruthlessly that her skin would turn red, that she would inflict scratches to the most delicate parts of her body. It would be not because she wanted to harm herself, it would be because she felt unclean, as if tearing her skin would remove the corroded layer of iniquity and bring the fresh layer of innocence back.

|<|Au|>|
A chapter on valentines for my valentines but the irony is that this chapter is nothing like valentines.

My final examinations starts in a week and help I can't study T-T

Leave comments, suggest areas I should improve in and thanks for reading. xoxo.

Ps in Daehye and Jay's language;
I like you alot= I love you.

This chapter may confuse you but trust me I'll uncover all the details slowly.