39
Letter

Dear Jimin,
I hope this letter finds you well (I know you're not well, don't worry I'm miserable myself)

Losing you is a lot like losing a best friend, an elder brother who gives the right guidance, a husband whose love brings me peace. We've never gone this long without talking, there would always be communication. The way I would tell you the smallest details of my day, the way you would at times bitch about the other not so preferable people in your life. Gossiping with you hits differently.

I don't know what to say because I have so much to say, I don't know where to start from because I don't know where it would all end or even if it will end.

Park Jimin, I love you. I love you so much, the time I would be away from you would be no less than torture in the beginning, and I don't know if these feelings would faint away, just that I would get used to them. You know my obsession with sad endings but to have them in real life is not ideal.

The truth to be said, I'm petrified, scared of what these two years might do to us. I'm not insecure but I'm afraid that you might fall out of love with me, or maybe I will. That maybe you would think in your selflessness that I'm more at peace without you, or maybe I in my selfishness would meet someone whose life is of the quiet and not that of whispers which scream, not the life of cameras and flashes. I'll just say one thing, I don't know about the uncertain but I know damn well that your love, your gentleness with me, your touches and the silence you would give me with are evergreen in my brain, you are a constant, the memories I have with you are unforgettable.

I will never be able to love someone the way I love you. And to be with you I can give up all my peace and quiet because it's you. My chest aches with this pain, only you could make it go away. That's all I have to say, I don't want this agonizing letter to get long. If you see my pendant and one of your black sweatshirts missing then please know that I came to your house on your birthday, to both my disappointment and relief you were gone.

I don't want this letter to hold you back, I don't want to tie you with invisible strains. The only thing I want is you to be happy, you deserve the world Jimin, and I can only give you what I have. If you ever feel even just a bit sick of what you'll receive from me then please tell me. It's not like I would forget you, it would just be that I would let go of this bright hope you have filled me with.

Your one and only,
Eklavya.

Jimin folded the letter, took a deep breath and opened the bag pack, it was sky blue in colour, with a small C&K label attached to the front pocket. She sure loves to spend money on me. A sad smile crept his face as he opened the second zipper and found a shacket.

'To keep you warm.' That was all the sticky note said,  he put the backpack on his study and was about to pick up his car keys again but something distracted him, a thud when he had placed the backpack on the table.

'Here goes nothing, I bought this for you a long time back. And I bought the same one for myself. There was this couple deal going on, I thought to first give it to you in August then in September, but circumstances weren't kind. I hope you wear this often.' It was a watch, all black with silver markings, the brand was unfamiliar but it looked pretty expensive.

He left all her presents in his bedroom for now. He had to meet her at any cost. He couldn't, wouldn't end things between them.

"God baby pick up please." He had called for the first time but his patience was running out, he knew his face was a mess now, but he didn't care enough. 

"Hello?" Only he knew how much he had missed this voice, only he knew how much his ears wanted to hear her, "Hello?" She said again, she must've been outside, judging by the background commotion. "Hey." Jimin barely managed to let out, "Where are you right now?"

"I..... about to depart." She wasn't outside, technically she was, if the airport could be considered outside. Yeah she was outside. "Jimin?" No, rational thinking was off grounds now,

"Did you take an early flight?" He asked, his steps coming to a halt, "Yes."

"Why?" He wanted to scream but all that came out was a slight whisper, a tremble in his voice.

"I was staying back because of you." I was staying back because of you, things ended. That's what he heard, he also heard a warning call for the passengers of Seoul to Dubai. "Is that your flight?"

"Uh-huh." He sensed her voice crack, what could he do? He couldn't go and hold her now, or maybe he could-

"Should I follow you?" Ridiculous, he was being ridiculous. "What? No. No, I'm not worth it."

"You are worth it Eklavya, you're worth everything for me." Was she though? It didn't seem like it, all those dumb internet people screaming of her unworthiness, what right did they have? "Listen baby, I need you to listen to me okay?" He asked her, he took the support of the wall, leaning his back on it, the only physical thing which might've provided him with the support he seeks but it wasn't enough. Nothing would ever be in, she had this- to put everything to shame for him.

Lavya, Lavya. My love Eklavya, I need you, right here, right now. I can't do this-

"Okay." Her voice fragile through the phone. "I'm gonna wait for you, I have no other option. I'm incapable of options. I'm too accustomed to your presence." Another flight warning came audible to his ears.

"I love you Jimin, I feel like everyone is going against us." Daehye didn't coax her tears, she stood there in the middle whilst people rushed past her to and fro as tears cascaded down her face. It was as if she had gone back to square one, no one was there to wipe away her tears anymore.

"I know, I know but but- this is the only resolve we have." He tried to get a grip of his emotions, one of them had to be strong. "And I love you too, now cut the call. Don't miss your flight, you've worked very hard for it." And that was the voice of the man she had fallen for, her cutting the call meant not hearing each other's voices for some good time but he told her to do so regardless.

"Jimin." She said his name like it was a prayer in itself, an oath she would repeat again and again,

"Do you promise to wait for me?" She was crying now, full fledged. "Yes, god yes. I promise." He tried to gulp and when she cut the call. He let himself drown in silence and sadness, the emptiness and the hollowness of the penthouse which he had called home. The walls yet again had no life, filled with a shallow darkness and the barely lit light giving only the outlines of the furniture. The chair she always sat on, the couch where they often would fall asleep, the kitchen island where she would come to give him a back hug, not all that hungry for food but hungry for him.

Flashbacks and flashbacks, playing before his eyes like a videotape. He clutched the pendant she had given to him, tracing the letters carved upon it. He knew by heart what they said.

Be my mess and I'll be yours.

--

Somewhere along the lines she wanted to ask him,

'Jimin, why is the final act of love letting go?' And somewhere she imagined what his answer would've been like.

'You really think that this is our final act?'

Indeed, he had made her very hopeful.
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