41
Long- distance

"Third month complete." Ara flashed cardboard which had the words 'second trimester' written by a black sketch pen, in a haphazard way but it didn't matter.

"Hey you're starting to show." Daehye herself didn't know how to hide her excitement, not even amidst the chaos ensuing in the back. "Is your friend crying?" Daehye looked nowhere surprised, it was most probably Ivan who had lost to both Saanvi and Johan in the game of UNO.

"You can't tell me to draw sixteen cards." He was crying indeed, Saanvi for sure enjoyed seeing her boyfriend in misery.

"It's nothing," Daehye still continued to stare at them, with a bit of adoration and a bout of annoyance because her drawing room looked like there were three five year olds running around all the time, throwing pillows and shifting sofas just so their cardboard house could fit.

"Isn't it late over there?" It indeed was, and it wasn't like it was a non working day tomorrow. They still had to wake up by seven, reach by eight only to perform tests and run data bases on the results. Would it be enough to say that she was overworked, a bit dehydrated, wasn't getting proper three meals in a day not because she couldn't afford them but because the schedule was merciless. She would've beared with it, should've if the stipend was worth a million dollars per year. She would've beared with it if she had started getting grants from the very first year. But not everything goes along the way one wishes to.

"Who cares about sleep?" Her dark circles did, a bit of acne on her chin did. Her body did care about her sleep. "Don't push yourself too hard sweetie." Ara said, she had started folding her washed clothes now, the cardboard now lay on the floor.

"Yeah, I'll send them and catch up on some sleep. Take care of yourself, I'll call you tomorrow." Daehye said that all in a breath, waited for Ara to say 'bye' and then declined the call. She got up, shook her numb feet from criss cross sitting and then clapped twice. "Ivan, you don't have to draw sixteen cards because I'm kicking you people out."

-

The urge to eat real, homecooked, Indian food and not just a stale sandwich was getting real. It might even slowly deprive Daehye of rational thoughts, of the ability to walk and maybe she might would just lose all her motivation to see the next sunrise and simply commit suici-

"Eklavya." Johan's curly hair was neatly swept back, a smile on his face and his coat hanging loosely off his shoulder, clothes ironed neat and crisp, green condescending eyes complimenting his bright smile. She didn't know how he managed to look so good at even 2pm, wasn't sure if he was insulting her with his sunshine appearance, "Oh hi." Daehye lowly said, shifted her notepad and laptop to her side to give him space.

He took a seat opposite to hers, "Not in the best mood I see, do you want another chocolate cake?" He was good looking for sure, he would've made a crazy effect on her if she had moved on from Jimin. "No, it's fine. I'm just tired." She picked up her second coffee cup, only to realise she had finished it. She looked at her notepad, messy calculations done and then gazed on her laptop screen, which was blank because it had been turned off. Johan on the other hand was most probably reading another article in his favorite magazine, or maybe simply scrolling across the pages whether his article had earned a publication.

He was a senior actually,  he had received the things Daehye had wished for, a good stipend, a million dollar grant, he was already a teaching assistant in the bachelor programme now. "Hey, did you ever feel like dropping out of the PHD programme?" Daehye asked him, Johan took a long gulp and looked at Daehye, really stared into her soul for a second after dropping his phone, "Why? Do you feel the need to?"

"No, I mean I don't really know- the idea of PHD looks very smooth on the surface but its not really." What was she implying? That she wanted to give up? No, maybe yes, It wasn't all black and white, the grey area was prominent. Jimin, yes him. And their life they wanted to build together, would the academia allow them that? What if she had to move back to korea? Could she teach there, become a lecturer and conduct research in korean? Speaking it was one thing, teaching in it was another. And was it about korean? Really? A voice inside questioned her. It didn't feel like the right thing, and it sounded so lame.

"That is understandable, PHD is tough shit that's why not everyone is joining it, but your ideas are bright Eklavya. You'll get through this." Johan patted her back, but the doubts still lingered, "You'll get through if you really want to achieve them." She shrugged her shoulders, in obviousness and continued,

"What if I don't want to lead the academia life anymore?" It wasn't that she had started hating academia, but the process was too long, when she had entered as a Phd student she had her compassion intact, but it was falling off now. She wasn't sure if she wanted the life Phd offered her, she longed for financial stability, for weekends maybe, for things which weren't placed in a plate for Phd students. Life had been quite monotonous lately, Daehye on no basis was someone who thrived on adventure and adrenaline and she knew that her Phd course won't stay the same forever but it was like she had developed a minor OCD since she had joined the programme.

Persistent thoughts of Am I doing the right thing?  Am I doing the right thing? She didn't know how to put a stop on them simply, even if she took the alternate path she wasn't sure if the question would stop echoing in her head. "Change of plans? If you wanna do it then do it now, it isn't too late to apply for a masters with Juris doctor." Juris doctor because it was one of the only few options left on the plate. Daehye was even ashamed to admit that she felt too lost, not knowing what to do next, not knowing if it would be right to switch now.

"Juris doctor doesn't sound half as bad, but how do you know that I'm leaning towards that idea?" "You, for starters, aren't my first student, second is that it's a nice idea. I had considered it, but still you'll have to take the bar." Bar yes, Daehye still didn't know what she would do. Would she join a firm? Open her own startup? Who knew?

--

Dayfly by Dean, or maybe my liberation notes. These both things had one common point, except being masterpieces they were also used to present an unvaried life. A life wherein one wasn't unhappy but they weren't happy either; it was such a stillness in the vast expanse of ocean that one would find himself wishing for a tidal wave, to let that wave take them with the flow. Lead to a possible better circumstance.

That's what Jimin felt like right now, it wasn't that being in the army wasn't interesting. It was very much so, a group of his juniors tried to sneak a picture of him in the shower. So yay! Very interesting, in the worst ways possible. He was normal, surprisingly normal. Maybe the idol trauma had made him immune to all this fuckery. Maybe the last incident with Daehye gave him the worst of the pains that anything else didn't even come close to its threshold.

He would rather die than to listen to another second of silent cries of suffering. These early twenty something members of male species, freshly out of teenage but still vulnerable, strong minds which were meant to be nurtured but they experienced the worst of bullying by the elders here in the higher positions.

Like at this very moment. Jimin still had a hard time understanding why people were even bullied. Why did they make fun of someone else when they themselves looked like an uncultured swine. Jimin had learnt new things here, no not just combat but how to talk less, reveal minimal.

Hey, were the scandals true?

No- no they weren't. It wasn't serious.

Silence would usually follow, with a ting of regret. Why did they even bother to talk to him in the first place?

He also learnt to hide, hide to eavesdrop, hide in the shadows to listen. Because he, along with his members, was a part of a very intricately designed propaganda. Now it wasn't as serious as it sounded but it wasn't just a joke either. Everyday new pictures of them leaked online, showing them laughing, as if they were having the best time of their lives. And by no means was the experience of the military bad, it was fine really, except for the fact that the new recruits had a hard time. The first few weeks would be hell for some of them.

At this very instance Jimin was standing outside the dressing room. Eavesdropping again. A newbie getting bullied again. The division head was a dickhead really, Jimin felt sympathy for his wife quite often, on his kids because god his gene pool was on something. He wished deep down that if the Division head didn't have kids in the first place, it would be easier for his wife to divorce him.

"Yaah how did you pull her? Isn't she too pretty for you?" Silence followed after the question and then soon after a thrash. "Answer me you shithead." And more muffled cries, "What have you been writing in this journal?"

The corridor was too silent, so much so that flipping of pages could be heard. "Cringe shit." This fucker's existence is cringe. "This journal is a waste, it could be used either way." Jimin waited for another sentence, another wail but after a minute what he heard was a scream. "No please. Please sir, please don't." Jimin summed the courage to take another step, just so that the view became visible.

No way. Jimin gasped, he had to put a hand on his mouth, hold the door frame to still himself. The division head was jerking himself off, with the journal covering him. He was facing the wall but the hand movement was prevalent. Jimin mentally urged the other guy to move from his chair, to punch the man jerking to his journal. But no. How could he when he was handcuffed to the chair? Jimin couldn't see his face but there were a few dried blood droplets on the floor.

For the first few seconds Jimin couldn't decide whether to help or not, whether to intervene or not. Then quietly, steadily, he pulled out his phone. Hit the record button until he felt the intuition to leave.

—-

He took a leave after a few days, on a Sunday. It was due and free anyways, that warrior badge had earned him a holiday. He was pretty thankful for that. For just sleeping in the comfort of his bed, for taking a shower without any prying eyes or needing to worry about his privacy. And now, he sat on the bed praying,

"Please pick up." Five rings went off,

"Oh my god, wait I'm not ready for a facetime." Did he just see her hand covered in foam?

"I miss taking showers with you." Jimin sighed, pulled the laptop screen closer, as if it was her. He couldn't even see her response from here,

"Give me five and I'll call you back." Those were the ones of the longest five minutes for him, he kept looking at the time, took a look at the group chat but much to his disappointment there were no new chats. After torturous seven minutes his phone rang,

"Fucking finally I see your face, do you think you are an Eid ka chand or something?" He didn't understand the last part, he didn't even hear what she said. He was too busy ogling at her, missing what she smelled like after a shower. Her hair wet, the collarbones he would splatter kisses and love bites on.

"Jimin." She meanwhile was talking, to keep her mind busy so that it didn't drift off to places which would make her miss his frantic touches for the thousandth time. "Yes what did you say? Something in Hindi?" Guess, it was a guess and he wanted it to land in the right place

"Eid ka chand is Eid's moon, beautiful but rarely seen." Still not listening, his eyes still fixated on her, still thinking about throwing her on the bed like she weighed nothing and then pulling her close, taking off her night clothes she wore just for him to take them off himself.

"Stop eye fucking me." That grabbed his attention, or rather covered him with a very obvious blush. "You make it hard not to." He sheepishly said, looking away from the screen and getting up from the bed and pulling a self help book he had never bothered to read and setting it behind the phone to support it.

"Even you are irresistible but when I talk to you, I talk to you." The exaggeration on the last you would not hide the fact that she was very much thinking of him fucking the wits out of her too. But one of them had to start talking before the ranting and make the shift therapy session turn into a full blown session of phone sex.

"Talk yes. I have a lot of things I want to talk about." Jimin rubbed his hands together, cracked his knuckles and swayed his neck with such ferocity that Daehye had the urge to touch her own just to ensure that it wasn't dislocated. "You are not getting ready for war." She said with furrowed eyebrows- "No babe- it is war. Check the video I sent and see it on your laptop or tablet." She pulled the tablet from the bed and opened his text.

"What's this? Jimin I swear if there's a jump scare-" but she stopped talking a bit too suddenly, her face contorting to an ugly grimace, her eyebrows furrowed further and her mouth slightly parted as the video continued. This was more horrific than a jumpscare because that would've just given her an adrenaline spike instead of mental trauma.

"Jimin- who made this?" She asked him the second the video ended, "I did but that's not important." What was important was the content, and the fact that it was real, it wasn't based on real nor inspired from it. It was as raw, as genuine as anything was. "What for? I mean why did you make it? How and why were you there in the first place? What if someone saw you?" Her questions made all the sense, her tension was right but so were his intentions. "Lavya, no one saw me."

"The cameras saw you." She raised a point, "Yes that's the only thing holding me back from releasing this video." Daehye's mouth closed, maybe she replayed the video or it seemed so for him. "Is he like, I mean can you explain a bit?"

"I think the guy handcuffed to the chair had a journal and a photo of his girlfriend. You're intelligent enough to make out the rest." Something about his statement caught Daehye even more off guard, this was not the Jimin who broke up with her. The military had changed him, and she wasn't complaining and she wasn't disliking it either. It just was out of the blue, nothing more or nothing less. It might've been his mood, it wasn't the brightest and maybe Daehye was just overthinking in the span of merely three seconds.

"God no offence to you but do you realise how fucked up your country is?" He nodded his head in obviousness, every country was in one way or the other very fucked up. But sometimes some particular things blew her mind nonetheless. "What are you going to do?" She asked him, knowing well that there was no straight answer.

"This is one of those situations where I'm so blatantly clueless." She could sense his frustration, understand his situation and confusion. That video alone could bring multiple changes in the system, or at least shed light to some necessary things. But Jimin had to be the sacrifice in it, he couldn't save his head and upload the video at the same time. His name would be the first to come up when the CCTVs would be checked.

"I really am of no help right now." Daehye told him, trying to think of something but her mind was blank. Her first thought would've been to say to release the video, but it wasn't a risk free option. "I'm not looking for help, I just wanted to talk to you." His eyes filled with so much love, he wished for a tight hug, a really tight one which would numb his thoughts, which would fade away his pains. He just wanted to melt in her arms, fall asleep beside her.

"I miss you so much Jimin." Getting choked is what it felt like, to have all this love and to have the person deserving this love so far. "Wait give me a minute, I need to grab a water bottle." She swallowed a lump in her throat and excused herself, only to keep a hand on her mouth to stop herself from crying. She hated how much of an emotional mess she was when she was close to getting her periods, she even hated it more for the effect he had on her. Here she was crying all because of a man and she couldn't do that in front of him, scared that he would get tensed over a mere moodswing.

"Baby, did you cry?" Did she rub her eyes too hard? No, she didn't even cry to the point where her eyes would be red- "No?",

"You can cry in front of me." His voice got softer, "It's not like you could come here to console me." She really was being a bitch, "I'm-" She cut him off mid way, "Don't." her eyes pooled with tears again,

What difference do your sorry make? What difference do they make if you can't be here-

My anger, god my anger- don't just dont Eklavya, don't say things you don't mean, Don't let the words climb up your throat only for them to make you regret later when you get them across. I hate you so much at times Park Jimin, I hate the way I'm thinking of changing my career just so it would be easier for us to settle, despite not knowing if we would even end up together. I hate the way I'm so ready to ruin myself for you, a million times at that. I hate the way I would still let you kiss my shoulder despite knowing that someone was holding the camera there, I would let you kiss me as deeply as you want to despite there was a camera hidden in your studio. I would do it because the happiness I felt for minutes overpowered the sadness I felt for weeks.

Loathe, detest, hate, and all the synonyms. They weren't enough to sum up what Jimin felt towards himself. She was crying. All because of him, and he couldn't even hold her, tell her it would be fine. Stroke her hair back and kiss her tears away, give her all the re-affirmation she needed. If only he knew, he would've restrained himself. Just a few more minutes, a mere hour and then I'll get close to her, not now. If only he knew.

"I'm sorry." She turned towards him again, "Jimin, I didn't mean any of that. You can't come here, nor can I. It's a lose- lose." That cracked a smile from him, "Lose- lose huh?"

She tried to change the topic, fast- anything to divert them.

"Also, are your hair long enough that I can pull on them?"

"Pfft- I- I love you and, I think they are quite grippable now."

--

"The head division is weird." Jimin was facing the window while eating his food, his ears perked up at the mention of the division head,

"Why do you think so?" Jungkook asked Gwangnam, one of the people in charge of the CCTV rooms,

"He keeps asking me to delete footage of corridor number twelve." Jimin still faced the window, trying to remain unphased by all of this. Jungkook, knowing everything well pestered further,

"Wait. Are you serious?"

"Yes I am- he even asked me to delete yesterday night's footage." The stars must've aligned, the universe was signaling in unparalleled frequencies. The only thing which held Jimin back from uploading that video was himself.

He knew the video would get traction in no time, he knew an inquiry would be set, cameras would be checked and he would be the first one to be called.

But now? With the evidence deleted, the road seemed clear.

The next day that video had been shared at least a million times.