I ALWAYS THOUGHT walking away from broken relationships would be easier for those who chose to leave, but that thought was only a lie. Because if leaving was any easier, I would’ve just gone on with my life like usual.

But I couldn’t immediately do it.

Cutting Tanya off of my life hurt me more in a way that I could never have expected. Dalawang linggo man ang lumipas, hindi pa rin bumabalik ang dating sigla sa katawan ko. Dinadalaw pa rin ako ng pagsisisi at guilt. Siguro dahil naroroon iyong mga kaisipan na baka ay mayroon pa namang mas mabuting option kaysa doon sa napili ko. Pero kahit anong kutkot ko sa utak ko ay wala akong ibang maisip na paraan.

Dahil si Tanya na mismo ang nagdesisyon.

I just heard about her successful marriage from Chrome, but other than that, I didn’t even bother knowing. Naging busy na rin naman kasi ako sa ibang bagay tulad ng trabaho at pagsama kay John na kumausap sa lawyer para sa isasampang kaso kay Alex. We were able to file a restraining order against him, so I knew that my family could rest easy. For now.

I wouldn’t even have chosen to push through with the case had Tanya chosen to leave him, but she didn’t, so we had to do what we had to do. Kung hindi kasi namin gagawin iyon, alam kong patuloy pa ring magkakaroon ng lakas ng loob ang lalaking iyon para guluhin kami. And I think everything fell into their right places.

Naging busy na rin naman ako dahil ilang beses din ako sa loob ng isang linggo naaya ni Tita Daphne na bumisita ulit sa mansion nila. Dahil doon ay na-distract din ang utak ko sa ibang bagay at nakahinga ako nang maluwag-luwag. Nga lang, sa bawat pagpunta ko sa mansion ng mga De Silva ay halos palagi ko ring nakikita si Danielle, ang ex ni John.

I knew why she was there, of course. Nakuwento sa akin noon ni John na anak siya ng mayordoma ng mansion. But I never really imagined that she still stayed a servant in that house given the history between her and my boyfriend. I guess nasa lahi ng mga De Silva na hindi magsisante ng mga empleyado dahil sa mga personal na isyu.

Wala naman din akong issue tungkol doon. Kampante na rin naman ako na naka-move on na nga sa kanya si John. Pero isang hapon, nang bigla akong iwan ni Tita Daphne sa island counter ng kitchen para sagutin ang isang urgent na tawag, lumapit sa akin si Danielle at naglahad ng isang baso ng tubig. Tiningnan ko siya diretso sa mga mata at binigyan niya naman ako ng isang malaking ngiti.

“Hi,” bati niya.

Tiningnan ko siya mula ulo hanggang paa. Suot niya ang puti at itim na uniporme ng mga kasambahay. Hindi tulad sa maraming pagkakataon ko siyang nakita ay hindi na nakapusod ang mahaba at tila-alon niyang buhok. Mas lalo ring nadepina ng kakaunting ilaw na nanggagaling sa bintana ng kusina ang kulay ng kutis niya. Tumikhim ako nang matapos siyang suriin bago ibinalik ang ngiting natanggap. Hinintay ko siyang magpatuloy sa pagsasalita dahil hindi ko alam ang isasagot sa pagbati niya.

“Girlfriend ka ni, uh, Sir John?” tanong niya na nagpataas sa kilay ko. Tumikhim siya nang lumipas ang tatlong segundo ay hindi ako sumasagot. “By the way, I’m Danielle.” Inilahad niya ang kamay sa akin.

Nagbaba ang tingin ko roon at nagdadalawang-isip kung tatanggapin ba ang pakikipagkamay niya. I sighed before shaking her hand. I didn’t want to be rude. “I know.”

“Huh . . .” Nagtagal ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko na parang biglaang napaisip sa sagot ko. Kung hindi ko pa hinugot pabalik ang palad ko ay mas mapapatagal pa panigurado ang pagkakatulala niya.

“What do you want from me?”

It wasn’t my intention to sound irritated, but that cold tone naturally went out of my throat. Wala naman sa aking ginagawang masama itong Danielle, pero siguro ang naging reaksyon ko ay dala na rin ng katotohanang siya minahal ni John bago ako.

Umupo siya sa bar stool sa tabi ko at tahimik na tumawa. Kung hindi ko lang alam na naging mag-ex sila ng boyfriend ko ngayon, hindi ko babaliwalain ang magaan at palakaibigan niyang hangin na bumabalot sa aming dalawa.

“Actually, ilang beses ko nang gustong lapitan ka para sana iabot ˋto.” Inilapag niya sa counter top ang isang pamilyar na sobre bago iyon inilagay sa harapan ko. “Gusto ko sanang imbitahan kayo pareho ni John sa kasal ko.”

I pursed my lips and blinked several times. This conversation took me back to when I first saw her arguing with John at the back of the restaurant. She was also convincing him to attend the wedding. At kung tama pa ang pakakaalala ko sa nakita kong detalye noong basahin ko ang parehong sobre sa condo unit niya, mukhang nalalapit na rin nga ang kasal niya.

“Why . . .” I whispered, staring blankly at the piece of paper in front of me. “Bakit mo kami gustong pumunta?”

“Alam kong nasabi na rin sa ˋyo ni John ang . . . tungkol sa ˋmin. At alam kong maiintindihan mo ˋyung pakiramamdam na hindi bigyan ng maayos na closure ˋyung mga nangyari. Ayokong matapos lang ang lahat ng pinagsamahan sa ganito.”

“By saying that, do you mean that you want to restore your broken relationship with him?” I wanted to say, but I remained quiet. Kung talagang gusto niyang makipagbalikan sa boyfriend ko, matagal niya nang piniling itigil ang kasal niya at bumalik—tulad sa tinangkang gawin ni Alex.

“I know na siguro naiisip mong wala naman nang silbi ang closure kasi matagal na rin namang nangyari ˋyung mga nangyari. But I know na nararamdaman mo sa sarili mo na kahit papaano, kailangan niya rin nang maayos na pamamaalam sa amin.” Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at inipit doon ang wedding invitation. “Pag-isipan mo nang mabuti. Alam kong may magandang idudulot din sa ˋyo ang magiging desisyon niya.”

Hindi ko siya tiningnan nang tumayo siya’t naglakad palabas sa kusina. I stared at the piece of paper on my palm, unable to process anything at that moment. Bumalik na rin naman kalaunan si Tita Daphne kaya mabilis kong inilagay sa dalang handbag ang sobre.

Sa ilang araw na nagkakausap kami ni Tita Daphne, naging mas magaan na ang loob ko sa kanya. Naikukuwento ko na nga rin sa kanya ang nga maliliit at halos walang kabuluhang bagay tungkol sa akin. I even mentioned about Mr. Narciso’s unfair treatment to me in his company (apparently he was her younger brother), that’s why she convinced me to resign from Ciscal and just apply to one of their companies. Iyon ang pinag-usapan namin magdamag hanggang sa ihatid niya na ako pauwi sa harap ng apartment building na tinutuluyan ko.

“Anyway, hija. We would also like to meet your family sometime. It would really be fun if our families get along na, ˋno? I can already feel that my son is cooking up something tasty . . .”

Natawa ako dahil sa mapagbirong tono ni Tita Daphne. Nakuha ko rin ang gusto niyang ipahayag kaya mabilis akong napailing. “Malabo po, Tita. He’s busy with his work.”

Tinapik niya ako sa balikat. “Oh, come on! I know my son. He’s never too busy to do something he really wants to do.”

Napaiwas ako ng tingin at tipid na ngumiti.

“By the way, don’t forget to inform your family about the plan, okay? When do you think it is possible we can meet all of them?”

“Next month po ang sem break ng mga kapatid ko, kaya baka magkaoras sila para maipakilala ko po sa inyo.”

“That’s great!” Pumalakpak si Tita Daphne. “Well, just text me the possible date that we can meet so that we can arrange it ASAP, okay?”

“Okay po.”

Nang magpaalam na ako kay Tita Daphne na papasok na sa unit ko ay hinalikan niya na ako sa pisngi. Pinanood ko siyang maglakad pabalik sa kotse nila bago ako napabuntonghininga. Nang tuluyan nang mawala sa paningin ko ang sasakyan ni Tita Daphne ay tumaas na ako papunta sa unit ko. Mahigpit ang kapit ko sa strap ng sling bag ko habang lumulutang ang ulo sa loob ng elevator. I almost even forgot to go out when I was finally on my floor. Mas lalo pang lumutang ang isip ko sa kawalan nang buksan ko ang bag para kunin ang susi ko.

I sighed when I finally held my keys. I was about to unlock the door, but it already opened even before I could slide the keys to the knob. John’s tall figure surprised me, and when he closed our distance to envelop me into a tight hug, my tensed nerves calmed.

“You’re home,” he whispered while still embracing me.

“Hm. I’m back, hun,” I replied.

I felt his shoulders vibrating as he giggled. “I was just about to fetch you. Ba’t ang tagal mong umuwi?”

“Well . . .” Nag-iwas ako ng tingin nang manliit ang mga mata niya.

“Don’t tell me my mom kidnapped you again?”

Natawa ako. “Grabe sa kidnap. She just invited me for tea. I wasn’t obligated or forced, you know?”

“Really, huh?” He didn’t bother to hide the suspicion in his face.

We talked about his mother as we went inside the unit. Nabanggit ko na nga rin sa kanya ang napag-usapan namin tungkol sa paglipat ko sa kumpanya nila, at mukhang hindi naman siya against doon. I just couldn’t lighten up my mood when I remembered the piece of envelope that I got from his ex earlier. Habang kinukumbinsi niya rin akong magandang mag-resign na nga ako sa Ciscal at lumipat sa DIME, lumulutang na naman ang utak ko.

Thankfully, John didn’t notice the shift in my mood. He just prepared food for our newly adopted cat, Aries, while a show was playing on the television screen.

“Anyway, your internet browser friend went here just a few minutes before you arrived.”

My eyes slightly widened. John crouched in front of Aries while watching him eat his cat food. “Really? She didn’t tell me she would come. Ano’ng ginawa niya dito?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Just invited us both for a party tonight. She jokingly said, ‘You two should loosen up. ˋWag date nang date na kayo lang dalawa. Baka magsawa kayo sa mukha ng isa’t isa.’ and she literally just disappeared after telling me that.”

Napahalakhak ako dahil sa paggaya niya sa way ng pananalita ni Chrome. I kind of knew why she took an extra mile just to invite me to her party. She knew what happened between Tanya and me, and she’s been trying hard to console me. I appreciated her more for her efforts.

“And, by the way, she also mentioned that that Tanya girl won’t attend. So don’t worry if you think you’ll bump into her if you come.” After Aries finished eating, John went to my side and pulled my shoulders. He urged my head to rest in his chest. Aries jumped to my lap and curled up in a fetal position. I started rubbing his head. “Do you want to attend?” he asked while playing with my hair.

“Ikaw? Should we go?”

“I’ll go if you go.”

Marahan ko siyang siniko kaya napatawa siya. “Para ka namang ano.”

“I’m serious! Wala naman akong gagawin na mamaya and I have my day off tomorrow. I’m free to do whatever today, so it’s all up to you, really.”

“Okay, then.”

“Hm?”

“Let’s go.”

“Okay.”

After talking, we stayed for a long while in that kind of position. We didn’t really talk as much as we usually do. I appreciated him for doing that. Wala rin naman kasi ako sa mood na magsalita lalo pa’t maraming bagay ang bumabagabag din sa utak ko. I guess, even though he wouldn’t say it, he also wanted me to attend that party. He’s been coming a lot in my unit these past few days. His presence really calmed me. Kaya siguro bahagya ko na ring nakakalimutan ang nangyari sa amin ni Tanya ay dahil sa pagiging considerate niya sa nararamdaman ko.

I am the luckiest girl alive to have him.

I glanced at my bag, and then on the television screen.

I wonder if we should attend his ex’s wedding?

▪ ▪ ▪

“FEL!” CHROME’S HIGH-PITCH voice was clearly heard despite the loud electronic music. She ran towards me with her arms widely spread. John removed his hand on mine to give me a chance to hug my friend. “I’m so glad you went!”

Ngumiti ako nang kumalas siya sa yakap. “Yeah. Kailangan ko rin naman ngang mag-take ng refresher. It’s been hell in my work lately, and . . .”

Tinapik ako ni Chrome sa balikat at tumawa. “I know! Kaya nga I hosted this party rin. We all need a refresher!”

Habang nagsasalita si Chrome ay naramdaman ko nang lumapit ulit sa akin si John. He snaked his arms around my waist. Chrome and I simultaneously glanced at him. He was smiling widely.

“Oh, you also brought your boylet along,” Chrome loudly whispered. I knew John heard it.

“Of course, my wife will bring me along,” John said teasingly. “At in-invite mo rin ako, remember?”

“Wife?!” Nanlalaki ang mga matang tanong ni Chrome. “Kinasal na kayo?”

“No. Gusto niya lang talagang tawagin ako nang ganyan,” mabilis na sagot ko kay Chrome.

“Oh,” anas niya. Sunod ay malakas siyang tumawa kaya napangiti na rin ako. “Of course, Mr. De Silva. I’m just teasing Fel! Invited kayo pareho and you’re free to enjoy your night here.”

I was laughing a lot as I listened to Chrome and John’s exchanges of banters. It was a shock that they both get along so well. But I guess that was actually to be expected. He’s John, after all.

Magkahawak-kamay kami ni John na nakipag-socialize sa mga taong naroon din sa party. Nahagip pa nga ng tingin ko iyong kaibigan ni Chrome, na kung tama ang pagkakaalala ko sa pangalan ay si Jennie. Medyo matalim ang tingin niyon sa akin kaya napapailing na lang ako. Although hindi naging masaya ang huling memorya ko sa kanya—she’d become a subject of my jealousy, after all—I was still glad I met her that time. Kung hindi dahil sa kanya, hindi ko agad mare-realize ang nararamdaman ko para kay John.

It was quite inevitable that John got borrowed from me by his other friends. I really underestimated how popular my boyfriend is. Paano, halos nalalagi na lang kami sa condo niya at unit ko mula noong naging kami. I never really met any of his friends until tonight. I just nodded at him when he was being dragged by a tall, muscular guy. Kahit pa naging mabigat na ulit ang pakiramdam ko na naiwan niya ako sa may couch nang mag-isa, alam kong hindi ko siya dapat pinagbabawalan sa mga ganitong klaseng bagay.

“Hey,” Chrome was holding a glass of martini as she sat beside me. “Looking blue, huh? Asan na ˋyung jowa mo?”

“With his friends,” tipid kong sagot.

Sumimsim ako sa baso ng beer na hawak habang pinagmamasdan ang maingay na grupong kinabibilangan ngayon ni John. There wasn’t any girl on that circle so I wasn’t really bothered. Though, there was a strange feeling in my chest that I couldn’t quite name as I watched him laugh with other people that weren’t me.

“How are you coping lately, Fel?” asked Chrome.

She now got my attention so I glanced at her. “The usual.”

“Hmm . . .”

She looked like she wanted to say something but she was hesitating. I smiled bitterly because I somehow knew she wanted to talk about Tanya.

“How is she, anyway?” I finally asked.

Chrome tilted her head before answering, “I heard they flew to Florida for their, you know, honeymoon. Kagabi lang sila nakauwi dito so I really don’t have much info din.”

“Uh-hm.” Tumikhim ako. Ayoko nang pahabain pa ang usapan tungkol sa babaeng iyon dahil babalik na naman iyong mga kaisipan kong bawiin ang naging desisyon ko.

I was almost there. I was almost at the acceptance stage. And though I still have regrets in my heart, I know that everything that happened was for the better. I allowed myself to regret pushing people away, again, because now I feel even freer. I told Chrome about everything that I truly felt. I don’t know why, but the timing just felt perfect. She listened willingly as I vented to her. I felt heard. Even without saying anything to comfort me, I felt validated.

“It’s a shame that you two had to go on separate ways like that,” she commented. “But I was also there when you two were facing your own struggles. And believe me when I say that I think it’s actually better this way, Fel. Parang ano kayo, e, nasa toxic romantic relationship. Nag-click nga, pero puro naman ng toxicity, lies, and betrayals. She was clearly in the wrong by choosing to marry your ex. Alam niya naman kung ga’no ˋyun kagago. Pinagsabihan ko na rin siya no’n, but she was clearly really into that guy. Hay . . .” She sighed.

I played with my lips as I watched her take a sip on her liquor. “Do you . . . think I made the wrong call?”

“Sweety, if your decision made you feel any less of yourself, then you definitely made the wrong choice. Pero kung hindi, be proud and panindigan mo ˋyan! We should put ourselves first.” Nagkibit-balikat siya. “And Tanya literally chose herself over your friendship. Do the same. Don’t feel bad. That’s what girl bosses do.”

Ngumiti ako at napailing. She was right; I should just remove all the traces of guilt left in me because we both chose this path. Matagal na akong selfish pagdating sa ibang tao, at kung pipiliin ko ulit ang sarili ko ngayon, wala ring ibang mangyayari. Iikot pa rin ang mundo. My life won’t stop at that single goodbye.

“Thank you, Chrome—for inviting us here and for checking on me kahit pa si Tanya naman talaga ang bestfriend mo.”

Siniko niya ako. “Uy, grabe, ah! You’re my friend, too. If you’re thinking na I’m doing these out of sympathy, you’re probably right—but it’s also because you’re my friend! Nakakalimutan mo lagi! Magtatampo na ˋko.”

Tumawa ako nang humalukipkip siya at magmaktol. “That’s right. Of course. We’re friends.”

After that ay nagkulitan na kami tungkol sa ibang bagay. May ibang tao na ring sumali sa amin kaya napunta na sa mga chismis at drama ng ibang tao ang topic. While they were laughing and giggling about this certain actress’s scandal, I really wanted to excuse myself. I felt like I had no business talking about other people’s lives and I have no right to laugh at them. But just before I was about to stand up, I made eye contact with a random girl I forgot the name of, and then she shifted the topic to me.

“Uy, ikaw ˋyung GF ni John ngayon, ˋdi ba?”

The others looked at me and then cheered. Napabuntonghininga ako nang ma-realize na ako naman ngayon at ang relasyon ko ang pag-uusapan nila.

“Yeah.”

They urged me to tell them how John and I met, but I was skeptical. Paano, dapat ba akong maging honest at sabihin sa kanilang, technically, naging one-night-stand ko siya after kong i-reject ang marriage proposal ng ex ko? Just thinking about how everything started makes me giggle in my head. Looking back, I was really thankful I met him at that riverside. I don’t know where I would be right now had I stopped myself from being drawn to his flame.

In the end, I didn’t tell them anything. Kahit pa nakasimangot na sila kakakulit sa akin, nanatili akong tikom ang bibig. Tinulungan na rin naman ako ni Chrome na patigilin sila kakatanong kaya lubos ang pasasalamat ko sa kanya. I glanced at John’s direction, hoping that he was also enjoying the night with his friend. Agad na nagtama ang tingin namin. Hawak niya ang isang baso ng beer habang malakas na nagtatawanan ang mga kaibigan niya sa table. Ngumiti siya nang malawak sa akin sabay taas ng kamay niya. He cutely waved his hands while that stupid grin was plastered on his face. His friends saw him doing that, so their laughter was soon followed by loud teasing. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin dahil sa hiya.

Nagsialisan na rin ang mga kaibigan ni Chrome, kaya kami na lang ang naiwan sa couch. Her boyfriend was already all over her while they were both watching me with those same teasing eyes. I sighed as I felt my cheeks burning.

“Chrome,” I said when I recalled something.

She tilted her head in confusion when I didn’t say anything more.

I realized—all of these—everything that made me feel content right now felt like it was about to end anytime soon. I have no idea how and why I started feeling this way. Maybe it was my fear of being abandoned—which ultimately didn’t make sense since there was literally no other person who would make me feel this way. And when my mind wondered back to that paper inside my bag, I realized I must still have my reservations on everything.

The feeling that John was still hiding something from me, even when we literally made up with his parents, bugged me in ways I couldn’t understand.

“Chrome,” I called again.

Tinanggal niya na ang pagkakaakbay sa kanya ni Domi, ang boyfriend niya, para mas mainam akong pakinggan sa sasabihin ko. “What is it, Fel?”

“What would you do if, let’s say, Domi’s ex wanted him to attend his or her wedding to get the closure they never had after their relationship ended?”

“Huh . . .” Napakunot ang noo niya at napahimas sa baba. “I can’t say for sure, kasi ako lang naman ang naging jowa ni Domi buong buhay niya.”

I sighed, I was about to drop the topic but she continued.

“But, let’s just say na may ex nga siya, and, ˋyun, in-invite siya sa wedding para mabigyang closure ˋyung past. I guess I couldn’t really do anything against it? Especially kung alam ko namang mas makakabuti pa sa relasyon namin na super tapos na ˋyung kung anong business niya sa past niya?”

I nodded. That’s also what I think. “I get what you’re saying.”

“Magkakaproblema lang if aayaw na umattend si Domi sa kasal. Kasi—why? Ba’t siya tatanggi sa closure? That would only mean na he’s still affected, and that he really needed the closure.”

Bumagsak ang balikat ko. She really got what I was thinking and feeling. Since I watched how John reacted to Danielle back then at J. Guerrier, and how he tore the invitation letter into pieces, I was even more paranoid.

What if he still has unresolved issues with his past? What if he actually still have feelings for his ex? What would become of me? Would he abandon me—would he throw away everything that we built just because of it?

The thought messed with my head so much that when we went home, I couldn’t bring myself to talk. He felt my sudden shift in mood, that’s why he remained inside my unit while trying to make me feel better.

I couldn’t really ignore him for too long so I went to my room to get my bag. Inilabas ko doon ang papel na kanina pa gumugulo sa utak ko at ipinakita ko iyon kay John. I was attentive at watching the change in his expression, like how he reacted before, but he just gave me a questioning look.

“Kinausap ako ni Danielle kanina,” panimula ko at umayos siya ng upo. “She wants us to attend their wedding.”

Umusog siya sa kama at inilahad ang espasyo sa tabi niya. “Come here, Victoria.” Tinapik niya ulit ang kutson nang hindi ako gumalaw sa kinatatayuan ko. “So that’s why you looked tense all day. Let’s talk about it. Sit here beside me,” he asked in a soft and calm manner.

I sighed before following his request. Umupo ako sa tabi niya at agad niya namang kinuha sa kamay ko ang sobre. There wasn’t really anything in his expression other than confusion. Staring at him closely like this, like I usually do, I still have no idea what goes around his head. We’ve been together for months already, but he still remains the biggest mystery in my eyes.

He let out a long puff of breath before  saying, “Gusto mo bang um-attend tayo?”

I couldn’t immediately answer. Do I want us to attend? But that feeling of fear that instead of getting the closure he needed, he might actually realize that he still had feelings for Danielle, scared the shit out of me. But, at the same time, knowing that this might also be the reason why I would fully get the peace of mind that I needed, I badly wanted to tell him to attend.

“Ikaw?” I asked in a low tone. I have never been so indecisive in my life until this moment.

“Would you no longer doubt me if we go—”

“John,” putol ko agad sa sinasabi niya. “I’m not doubting you.”

Instead of saying something, he just smiled at me. “Let’s do it, then, Victoria. Let’s go to their wedding.”

Bumuntonghininga ako at niyakap siya nang sobrang higpit. Hindi pa rin mawala ang kaba sa dibdib ko sa mga mangyayari, pero dahil sa naging desisyon niya, nabawasan iyon, kahit kaunti.

We slept together that night. Lights were shut off and the only thing I could feel was his hot breath on top of my skin, our synchronized heartbeats, and the way he slid his fingers on my body. And though we made love a lot of times already, and I’ve gotten familiar with our rhythm, there was something in his touch that made me wide awake after.