CHROME’S FRIEND’S WORDS reverberated inside my head as I read an article online. ‘THE FAILURE HEIR OF THE DE SILVAS’ was the headline that made me stare at my desktop computer for an hour straight. I don’t normally read articles when working, more so about famous people; wala akong interes sa kanila. Pero dahil nasa headline ang apelyido ni John ay agad na napapindot ako. And finishing the whole article made me feel guilty for whatever reason.

John and I have been almost inseparable lately as we’ve been taking our precious time to get to know each other. Yet I could still say that I really still barely knew him. Madaldal siya at maraming bagay na sinasabi tungkol sa sarili niya. Minsan nga nagsasawa na rin ako dahil paulit-ulit niyang nababanggit ang mga interes niya. Pero hindi ko rin maitatanggi na lahat ng nalalaman ko ay mababaw pa lang. Although he talks about himself too much, I could still feel this invisible mask that he was wearing. And that I was still not allowed to see right through it. Ganoon siya kamisteryoso sa akin.

Kahit nga ang mga personal niyang problema ay hindi niya sinasabi sa akin. Ako lang naman talaga ang nagkukuwento tungkol sa mga problema ko. I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t want me to worry, or that he just didn’t like other people to make a fuss about it, but I sometimes felt like an outsider. I couldn’t help but to pry.

Ngayong umabot na sa limang article tungkol sa pamilya niya ang nabasa ko, doon ko lang din na-realize na sa pagitan naming dalawa, marami akong pagkukulang. I guess I was too self-absorbed that I failed to really go out of my way to give him the comfort he very much needed.

Sabi ko sa sarili dati ay may limitasyon lang sa mga bagay na maaari kong itanong sa kanya. But now that I’ve read all those bullshits, I realized na kung ako lang din naman ang nasa sitwasyon niya, hindi ko kailanman sasabihin sa kahit na sino ang tungkol doon. It was just so . . . cruel.

I didn’t know the scandal circulating about him was this bad.

Kaya naman kahit sa kaunting bagay lang ay pinapakita ko sa kanya na hindi siya nag-iisa. Kahit average lang ang cooking skills ko ay ako na ang nagluluto para sa aming dalawa tuwing nalalagi ako sa unit niya. Siya naman ay hinahayaan ko lang manood ng MasterChef o kung ano pa mang cooking show sa sala. Tinatawag ko lang kapag maayos na ang hapag at luto na ang pagkain.

Habang tinitikman ko ang niluluto kong kaldereta ay muntik na akong mapatalon sa gulat nang bigla akong yakapin sa likod ni John. He sniffled at my neck as his arms enveloped my waist.

“You’ve been cooking for me these past few days. Be honest with me, Victoria—meron ka bang ginawang kasalanan?” tanong niya sa nagbibirong tono.

Hininaan ko ang apoy ng electric stove bago siya hinarap. Mukhang ayaw niya pa ngang kumalas sa yakap, pero nang bahagya ko siyang itulak ay nagpatianod naman.

“Bakit? Ayaw mo ba sa luto ko? Hindi masarap?” tanong ko rin sa nagbibirong tono.

Kumunot ang noo niya at napahawak sa baba niya. Hinampas ko siya nang marahan sa balikat kaya natawa siya.

“I like your cooking, Victoria, really. Nagtataka lang ako kung ba’t lagi kang nagluluto para sa ˋtin. I’m the chef; I should be cooking for you.”

“That’s exactly why you should let me,” sabi ko naman sa kanya. “You’ve been cooking nonstop in your reataurant for the whole day. Rest and I’ll cook our food. ˋDi man kasing sarap ng gawa mo, masarap pa rin naman.”

He chuckled and buried his face on my shoulder. He was really clingy. Dati kapag clingy si Alex sa akin ay naiirita ako. I somehow despised skinship. Or maybe it was just because of the person. I never really hated it; I just liked doing it with someone I was actually comfortable with. Unfortunately, the word comfort and Alex didn’t really go well together.

Nang nag-angat ng mukha si John ay hinawakan niya ang magkabilaan kong pisngi. “Is this still because of my father?”

“What? No!” mabilis kong sagot.

I mean, partly, it was because of his father. Mr. Jonathan De Silva has made my John’s life miserable already based on the articles. I just wanted to make him feel that, despite all the hardships he’d been through, I was at his side to give him a breath of relief. I want him to find comfort in me whenever he’s feeling lost.

“Victoria . . .” tawag niya sa akin nang yakapin ko siya. Dinig ko ang malakas na pintig ng puso niya.

Mali. Baka sariling tibok ng puso ko ang naririnig ko.

“I think I’m falling for you a little deeper; it’s quite scary,” bulong niya.

Hindi ako sumagot at mas humigpit lang ang yakap sa kanya.

“I hope you won’t leave me just like everyone else did. I’d lose myself if you do.”

When he said that, it has come to me that it would also be the case for me if he ever leaves—I’d lose my sanity.

▪ ▪ ▪

“GIRL, NABINGI BA ˋko o talagang totoo ˋyung narinig kong sinabi ng bobang ˋto?” tanong ni Chrome habang nanlalaki ang mga mata.

“You’re engaged?” nanlalaki rin ang mga mata kong tanong kay Tanya. Tumango lang siya sa amin nang mabagal, impit na tili ang pinakawalan niya at niyakap kami ni Chrome.

It has been a week since I last saw this girl. At iyong huli ay noong nakita ko pa talaga sila ni Alex sa restaurant ni John. Thinking about that night made me feel so uncomfortable. Hindi ko man gustong mag-assume base sa nakita ko noon, hindi ko maiwasang tingnan si Tanya na para bang alam ko na ang mga susunod niyang sasabihin.

Oh, but I hope my intuition is wrong at this moment.

“Oh, my gosh! Congrats, bakla!” tumitili ring sabi ni Chrome bago pinakawalan si Tanya. Pinunas niya pa ang gilid ng mga mata dahil medyo naluha siya “Pero ba’t biglaan? Nakakaloka! Akala ko ba sugar daddy lang ang inaatupag mo? Akala ko ba walang seryosohan hangga’t ˋdi mo pa nabibili ˋyung pinapangarap mong Porsche?”

“Well, akala ko rin!” Tumawa si Tanya. Sunod ay ako naman ang pinakawalan niya sa yakap. Umupo kami bago siya nagpatuloy, “Pero kung binigay na sa ˋkin ng sugar daddy ko ang dream car ko at husband material pa siya, ba’t pa ˋko aayaw?”

“Ay, I like that! Tamang behavior, sissy! Marry rich and die happily, gano’n!!”

Nakitawa ako sa kanilang dalawa kahit halatang pilit. Kahit ano’ng gawin kong tanggal sa isip ko ng mga akala ko ay hindi talaga mawala. Hindi ako mapakali. Why do you have to feel like this, Felicia Victoria? You should be happy for her, right? Baka hindi naman ang kinasusuklaman mong ex ang papakasalan niya. Hindi niya pa naman sinasabi kung sino. Bakit ganito ang reaksyon mo? You’re being unreasonable.

“Hey, okay ka lang ba, Fel?” tanong ni Chrome nang mahalata ang pagkabalisa ko habang nagtatawanan sila ni Tanya.

“Uh . . . Oo, okay lang ako,” sagot ko saka ininom ang alak na nasa baso ni Chrome. Mas kumunot pa ang noo niya.

Napahinga ako nang malalim nang hindi ako pinansin ni Tanya. “Don’t worry! Kayong dalawa ang una kong si-send-an ng invitation next week ˋpag natapos na ang pag-print!”

“Taray! Next week na agad ang invitation cards?” tanong ni Chrome na masayang tinanguan ni Tanya. “Aba, dapat lang na kami ang una mong bigyan! Kayo kaya ni Fel ˋyung unang nakaalam na kami na ni Dom!”

Nagtawanan ang dalawa at nagsimula nang magkuwentuhan kung paano namin noon nalaman na may boyfriend na si Chrome. Nadawit pa nga iyong panahon na silang dalawa rin ang naunang nakaalam ng tungkol sa amin ni Alex. Sumisimsim ako ng tubig habang nakikinig sa kanilang dalawa.

“Grabe pa ˋyung tuwa natin no’ng una nating malaman na nagkaro’n na ng boyfriend si Fel after almost two and a half decades!”

Tumawa si Tanya. “ˋDi ba?! Actually, kayo nga rin ang unang nakaalam ngayon ng tungkol sa engagement ko, e.”

“Okay, then, it’s settled! Mamadaliin ko na si Dom na magpakasal para may maipagmayabang na rin ako sa inyo—kidding!”

They went on and on about the marriage topic while I just remained quiet, unable to formulate any thoughts to contribute on the conversation.

“Ah, that reminds me. Tayo ring dalawa ang unang nakaalam na wala na si Fel at Alex noon. I really love this friendship,” Chrome said. Mukhang nahalata niya na ang pagiging tahimik ko kaya isinali niya na ako sa usapan.

Though, upon mention of Alex’s name, Tanya oddly went quiet. Biglang naging awkward tuloy ang atmosphere sa pagitan naming tatlo. Sumimsim muli ako sa aking baso at unti-unting nanginig ang mga kamay ko nang maikonekta ang reaksyon ni Tanya sa assumptions ko kanina. Nagkatinginan kami ni Chrome.

She cleared her throat. “By the way, Tanya. Who’s the lucky guy? Is this someone we . . . know? Gaga ka kasi, tagal na nating ˋdi nagkakaro’n ulit ng girl’s talk! Ni hindi ka man lang sumasama sa night outs. You’ve been so busy with that man, huh? Super secretive na and for what?”

Tumawa si Tanya pero halatang peke. “Uh . . . oo nga, tagal na nating ˋdi nakakapag-usap-usap nang ganito since biglaan din akong lumipad pa-Singapore last month.” Tanya diverted her gaze at me. My eyebrow shot up as I looked at her and then sipped on my glass. “Balita ko rin jowa na ni Fel ˋyong tagapagmana ng DIME, ah? I even saw you with him sa J. Guerrier last week. You two suit each other,” she added.

Humalakhak nang pilit si Chrome at nanatili naman akong tahimik. It was so obvious that she was avoiding the topic about her fiancé.

“Hindi pa kami, Tanya,” tipid na sabi ko. “Pero, oo pala, nagkita tayo last week na may ka-date ka,” I added, adamant about making her talk about her fiancé.

Kabado siyang tumawa sabay tingin kay Chrome. “Uh.” She sipped on her glass and then cleared her throat. “Basta ˋpag nakapag-set na kami ng fiancé ko ng date, dapat cleared na ang scheds n’yo by that, ha? Bawal ang ‘no show’ special day ko.”

“Of course! Magpa-file na agad ako ng leave niyan kay Mamita,” Chrome said.

Tumango lang ako bilang tugon. After that ay napalitan na ang topic. At that point, I have already connected the dots and got my answer. Itinago ko ang mga kamay ko sa ilalim ng table dahil hindi ko na iyon mapigilan sa panginginig. Parang numinipis na rin ang hangin sa loob ng bar at tila sasabog na ang mga tainga ko sa ingay ng electronic music. As minutes went by and I couldn’t handle my anxiousness anymore, I hastily excused myself to go to the washroom.

Nang makaalis sa maingay na lugar na iyon ay nagpakawala ako ng mahabang buntonghininga. I tried to take a deep breath and calm myself while looking at my reflection in the mirror. My right hand unconsciously turned the faucet on. The sound of the running water slowly penetrated my mind, calming the chaos and washing away my ridiculous thoughts.

The ugly memories of my past came crashing down on me. There were a lot of ugly memories, but the ones who sit atop would always be those years I spent with my ex, Alexandre Uy. Which I now know is Tanya’s fiancé.

Ridiculous.

I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. How? When? Why? Of all people, why would it be him? Alam ko naman na hindi pa direktang sinasabi sa akin ni Tanya na ang ex ko nga ang papakasalan niya ngayon. Pero hindi naman ako tanga o bobo. Sa mga reaksyon niya kanina at sa nakita ko, alam kong hindi ako nagkakamali sa mga hinala ko.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang dapat kong maging reaksyon. Dapat ba akong matuwa? Ha! Bakit ako matutuwa, e, ang kasuklam-suklam na lalaking iyon pa ang napili niya? Dapat ba akong magalit? Hindi ko alam kung mayroon pa bang ganoong emosyon sa loob ko gayong matagal ko nang itinapon ang pakialam ko sa lalaking iyon. Dapat ba akong malungkot? Bakit ako malulungkot? Hindi ko alam.

Hindi ko alam.

It took me almost twenty minutes to gather my composure. Gulong-gulo pa rin ang utak ko, pero wala na ang panginginig ng kamay ko at paninikip ng dibdib. When I finally felt like I could go back to our table, I took a last deep breath.

Nang makabalik ako sa table namin ay pansin ko ang pagiging seryoso ng pag-uusap ni Tanya at Chrome. Nang umupo ako sa upuan ko kanina ay sabay silang napatingin sa akin. Tinanong ako ni Chrome kung bakit ako natagalan kaya nagsinungaling ako kaagad. Binalingan ko ang mukha ni Tanya na hindi ko mabasa ang ekspresyon. Samantalang ang kay Chrome naman ay mahahalata ang pag-aalala.

Tumikhim si Tanya bago inabot ang bote ng beer. I was about to just tell them something that would lift the mood, maybe about my relationship with Johandrille De Silva, but Tanya spoke and my mind was then blank once again.

“I’ll tell you something important, Fel,” aniya sa seryosong tono.

I couldn’t respond.

“But promise me you won’t get mad . . .”

I couldn’t respond, again. Nagkatinginan sila ni Chrome. Wala sa sarili ko lang siyang tinitigan at hinintay na magpatuloy. Pero mukhang hindi siya magpapatuloy magsalita kung hindi ko sasabihin ang mga salitang gusto niyang marinig.

“Hindi ako magagalit.”

I don’t even feel anything anymore.

Si Chrome ang nagsalita nang hindi kaagad umimik si Tanya. “Well, Fel, kasi—”

“Si Alex ang papakasalan ko, Fel,” mabilis na sabi ni Tanya at napapikit. I remained passive as I watched her face get striked by obvious guilt.

See that, Tanya? I didn’t get mad. Really. I didn’t. Because at this moment, I couldn’t really feel anything.

“W-well, no’n kasing umalis ka sa kumpanya at nakipag-break kay Alex, nagsimula siyang lumapit sa ˋkin para magpakalulon sa alak,” pagpapaliwanag ni Tanya. “He needed someone to ease his pain, so I . . . I . . . He’s my boss so I can’t really decline, can I? And then, it just . . . happened. I understood him better on a deeper level. And then we both realized that we both loved each other and then—”

Suminghap ako at pinatigil sa pagsasalita si Tanya. “You don’t need to explain,” sabi ko at nag-iwas ng tingin. “ˋDi ako galit, Tanya.”

“O—of course! Ba’t ka nga naman magagalit,” aniya at tumawa. “It’s not like you loved him, right?”

Napatikom siya ng bibig nang sikuhin ni Chrome. Uminom na lang ulit ako ng alak at pilit na ngumiti. I congratulated her and wished her happiness. I was even amazed how I managed to remain composed even though my insides were already screaming.

It’s not like you loved him, right? Her words reverberated inside my head. That was right. I didn’t love Alexandre. But . . . but why did I feel all of these emotions at once that I couldn’t even name them all?

Pilit na tinanggal ni Chrome ang awkwardness sa aming tatlo sa pamamagitan ng pagbibiro. Tumatawa na lang si Tanya at sumabay sa kanya, ako ay ngumingiti lang dahil hindi ko na talaga alam kung bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko.

You didn’t love that man, Felicia Victoria. It was all about money and your job and using him as a sort of rebellion . . . since the very start. You knew that. Tanya knew that. Kaya bakit parang hindi mo tanggap na ganito na ang nangyayari?

Blanko na ang utak ko habang umiinom ng alak. Nagsasayaw na sina Chrome at Tanya, kaya naiwan akong mag-isa sa table. I guess they left me here to give me space to process everything. Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko. At tuwing hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko, maging kung ano ang dapat kong gawin ay bumabalik ako sa bisyong matagal ko nang tinalikuran. God. I swore a lot of times to not drink again, but there I was, breaking it for countless times already.

I was such a fool.

Tumunog ang cellphone sa pouch ko kaya kinuha ko iyon. Mayroong chat mula sa taong pinakakailangan ko ngayon kaya mabilis ko iyong binuksan.

John DS: tell me when youre done partying w your friends. ill drive you home

Bumuntonghininga ako at mabilis na nagtipa ng tugon.

Ako: Tapos na kami. Please fetch me, John.

Wala nang reply mula sa kanya kaya mabilis na akong nagpaalam kina Chrome. She even suggested to drive me home, but I told her that John will, so she just let me go. Nagpaalam lang sa akin si Tanya at ang guilty niyang mukha ang naalala ko bago ko sila talikuran at lumabas. Habang mabilis akong naglalakad palabas ay tumunog na naman ang cellphone ko.

John DS: be there in 5

I anxiously waited for him to come. Niyakap ko ang sarili ko at dinama ang malamig na simoy ng hangin sa labas. Funny how whenever I felt lost, it was always him who I ran to. Tulad noong una naming pagkikita, kahit hindi pa namin kilala ang isa’t isa, ganoon na lamang kadali sa aking buksan ang sarili ko sa kanya.

He was my safe place. He was the home I return to when I was a wreck. I needed my home right now . . . now that I am not me again.

Limang minuto nga ang tinagal bago dumating si John. Lumapit kaagad ako sa kotse niya upang pumasok, ngunit lumabas siya bigla. Hindi muna tuloy ako pumasok at hinintay na lang siyang makalapit sa akin. Agad niyang hinawakan ang magkabilang siko ko at tinitigan ako sa mga mata. It was like he was examining me—my whole being.

“You’re not okay,” he said with certainty. His calm but laced-with-concern voice made me sigh in relief. “Ano’ng nangyari?” dagdag niya.

Niyakap ko siya at isinubsob ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya. Naramdaman ko ang paninigas niya sa kinatatayuan dahil sa ginawa ko. Pinakinggan ko lang ang tibok ng puso niya nang ilang sandali. Hindi ko na nga napansin na nababasa ko na ng luha ang dibdib niya.

“Victoria,” tawag niya. He started caressing my back.

“Let’s go there,” mabagal at nanginginig kong sambit.

Malumanay akong tinulak ni John para makita ang mukha ko. He started wiping the tears off my cheeks, but it was useless since the tears kept falling from my eyes. “Where to?” tanong niya sa nang-aalong boses.

“T-to that run-down bridge . . . by the riverside . . . where we first met.”

John immediately tended to my request. Pumasok kami sa sasakyan niya at nagsimula siyang magmaneho. Hindi tulad ng laging nangyayari ay tahimik kaming dalawa. Wala siyang sinasabi o tinatanong. He let me have my peace by not saying anything. I appreciated him more because of that. I fell for him even more . . . even in the midst of losing myself.

Nang makarating kami ay nauna akong bumaba sa batuhan. Nauna kong sinalubong ang malakas na hanging umiihip sa balat ko. Niyakap ko ang tunog ng mga kulisap pati na rin ang tunog ng pumasadang motorsiklo. I then went back to that fateful night . . . where I first met the man I truly fell for, even with how broken I was before, even now.

Hinarap ko si John na nakatingin lang sa akin at nakasunod. Hindi mabasa ang ekspresyon sa mukha niya pero alam ko na nag-aalala siya sa akin. Kapag tahimik siya ay alam kong malalim ang iniisip niya. At dahil sa mga mata niyang naglalabas ngayon ng libo-libong emosyon, alam kong sa akin ang pag-aalalang nararamdan niya.

“You know what?” panimula ko nang tuluyan na rin siyang makababa. Hindi siya sumagot. “I have never fallen for anyone in my entire life, I almost thought I was incapable of loving someone other than my family.”

Nilakad ko ang kakaunting agwat sa pagitan namin ni John. Tumigil siya sa paglalakad at pinagmasdan lang ako. On normal days, I would be embarrassed if someone would intensely stare at me like that—if John would stare at me like that. But because the alcohol’s making me determined again, I could just easily stare back at him, without being flustered and shy.

“Siguro dahil wala rin akong interes at talagang inuuna ko muna ang pag-ahon sa pamilya ko sa hirap. Romantic relationships for me, back then, just seemed like a nuisance.”

Hinawakan ko ang dalawang kamay niya. He was still staring at me, a bit calculating. I didn’t mind.

Bumalik sa alaala ko ang relasyon namin ni Alex. He was my first in everything. Everything. My first kiss, first boyfriend, first dance, first sex, first heartbreak, first everything. Though I never loved him, there was still a feeling inside me that felt for him. Siya ang una ko, e—sa lahat-lahat.

Kaya kahit wala akong pakialam sa kanya, ganoon na lamang ang pakialam ko na ngayon ay matatali na siya kay Tanya—which is someone I somewhat cared for. The thought of him ruining her as well made me so lost. Just because of that, I felt like I was gonna lose myself too.

Pinisil ni John ang mga kamay ko kaya napaangat ako sa kanya ng tingin. Ngumiti ako nang mapait. There was the wave of what ifs. What if I was strong enough before to refuse that man to enter my life? What if I never met him? What if there had not come a chance for him to ruin me like this? What if I met this man in front of me sooner? Kung . . . kung sana lang ay mas maaga kong nakilala ang taong ito . . . hindi kaya masasayang lahat ng una ko? Hindi kaya . . . hindi ko na iisipin pa nang ganito kalalim ang pagpapakasal ni Tanya kay Alex at buong puso ko siyang mababati sa pagpapakasal niya?

“Now . . . I don’t think relationships are that bad.” Hinila ko si John papunta roon sa puwesto kung saan kami unang nagkausap.

“Victoria,” tawag niya. Pangalan ko lang ang sinambit niya. Wala nang iba.

God, I loved how he was the only one who calls me by that name. I didn’t even feel anything when Alex called me by my nickname or by any romantic endearments. Parang natural lang ang pangalan ko. It wasn’t as magical as when John calls me.

“I know this is sudden and you might think that I’ll only be saying this just because I’m in an emotional and drunk state, but . . .” I took a deep breath. “Let us put a name in our relationship. Please, be my boyfriend, John,” seryoso kong sabi nang naroon na kami sa batuhan.

Rinig ko ang buntonghininga niya. Pinanood ko kung paano nagtaas-baba ang balikat niya dahil sa paulit-ulit na malalim na paghinga. Umusbong ang kaba sa dibdib ko nang hindi kaagad siya makasagot.

He was the only one who made me feel all those kinds of emotions. Because of him, I learned how to actually care for someone other than my family. Because of him, I learned how to laugh even though I was facing a lot already. Because of him, I learned how to feel jealous . . . how to be possessive . . . how to be protective. Because of him, I learned how to become the best version of me. When he’s around I am the best version of myself.

Even now, the pile of emotions I felt earlier that I couldn’t sort out, I could just easily understand every bit of it.

His mere existence affected me that way.

“Please say something, John,” sabi ko nang hindi ko na makayanan ang pananahimik niya. Kada minutong lumilipas ay parang pinapatay ako ng antisipasyon. Biglang nawala iyong lakas ng loob ko dahil sa katahimikan. “I-is it a yes or a no?”

Nakatitig lang siya sa akin kaya napapikit ako nang mariin.

“I’m sorry.” Nanginig ang labi ko pero pilit akong humalakhak para hindi niya maramdaman ang pagkabigo ko. “You must think that I’m crazy right now. Don’t worry. No rush. It’s okay if you don’t want to—”

“I want to, Victoria,” putol niya sa akin.

Parang malalagutan na ako ng hininga dahil sa sagot niya. Nang kainin niya ang distansya sa pagitan namin ay akala ko tatalon na palabas ang puso ko.

“You agree . . .”

“Of course, I do.”

There were the tears that were threatening to fall from my eyes again. I bit my lips as John completely filled the spaces between us.

“Why wouldn’t I?” he asked, tucking the strands of my hair behind my ears before he slowly claimed my lips.

I gasped as I felt how sudden his kisses went from soft to harsh, almost like the strings that were holding his anticipation for this moment snapped. Nabitawan ko ang hawak sa kamay niya at napakapit nang mahigpit sa balikat niya.

Because of the overwhelming emotions he was giving me, I soon forgot about everything else. How upset I was over Tanya’s news. How upset I was about my own emotions. How I almost lost myself once more. And how this man made me feel at home again.

All that mattered to me at that point was his hot kisses and everything that transpired that night.