EVERYTHING ABOUT MY relationship with John has taken me like a storm. Who would have even thought that I’d become so attached to him even though we’ve just started to get to know each other? Our personalities are like two opposite poles; while he was outgoing and experimental, I was aloof and reserved. On paper, we shouldn’t be getting along so well like this. But I guess the saying, “opposite attracts,” is really true.

Magkaiba kami, pero iyon din ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong mahila niya papalapit sa kanya. He was like a living magnetic field, he was constantly pulling me, and I didn’t have any plans of resisting. In fact, if we would stay this close for a longer time, I wouldn’t mind being completely sucked in.

And I was honestly terrified for myself because of  it.

“Right now, you look like you were suppressing your excitement of seeing me again,” was what John said as he greeted me at the parking area of the Ciscal Group. He reached for me and I willingly took his hands. “It’s okay if you’ll greet me with a warm hug or a passionate kiss. I’m giving you my consent, Victoria.”

“Ang dami mo talagang alam,” sabi ko. “How about I welcome you with a warm and passionate punch? Would you give me your consent?”

Tumawa siya. “Is that how you convey your affection? Kung oo, puwede naman.”

“Look who just told me last time that he wasn’t a masochist.”

Nagbiruan pa kaming dalawa ni John hanggang sa magsimula na siyang mag-drive. Naging masigla na naman ang gabi ko dahil sa mga kuwento niya tungkol sa araw niya ngayon. He also played an unfamiliar song to his radio, and that added more to the liveliness of the mood. Normally, I would’ve been drained by his enormous energy, but strangely, we just get along so well I thought I might’ve recharged whilst consuming my energy.

I was always good at explaining, but I couldn’t really explain well how this man affects me.

“Sa’n tayo pupunta ngayon?” tanong ko.

“Hulaan mo.”

I looked outside the window and then tried to guess, “Sa restaurant mo?”

“Unfortunately, no. Baka pagsawaan mo agad kasi palagi na tayong kumakain do’n. So, para maiba naman, I’m taking you to some other place.”

“Where?”

“Do you like surprises, Victoria?”

“I hate surprises.”

“Shame,” he murmured. “But I like surprises so I’ll keep you guessing for now.”

I didn’t even notice how long the time had passed as we talked about random stuff while we drove through the busy streets of the city. While were both humming to some new songs he introduced me to, I noticed that the car was heading to the outskirts. Maraming tao sa kalsada na naglalakad, ang iba ay mga estudyante na galing pa sa eskuwelahan at ang iba ay nakatambay lang at nagkukuwentuhan. We stopped by the parking area of a lively pub. Kahit sa labas pa lang ay naririnig ko na ang tugtog ng mga instrumento at mga tawanan ng tao.

“Ever watched a live band before?” tanong ni John nang pagbuksan ako.

Ngumisi ako. “What do you take me for? Of course, oo na.”

Nagtaas siya ng kilay. “Kailan ˋyung huli?”

Napanis ang ngisi ko at napaisip nang malalim. “Ah—I think . . . when I was a freshman in college?”

“Tagal na!” malakas niyang sabi at kita ang tuwa sa mukha niya.

Seriously, natuwa agad siya dahil doon?

We went inside and we were instantly greeted by the loud rock music. Maraming tao ang nakiki-sing-along sa live band, at kahit nga si John ay nakikikanta na kaagad. He glanced at me so he caught me staring at him. Ngumiti lang siya at tinuro ang kamay ko.

“Can I hold your hand?” he asked, his voice almost got drowned by the loud music.

“Para saan?”

Ngumiti siya. “Para ˋdi ka mawala sa tabi ko.”

Tumawa ako at tumango. “Dami mong alam.”

“Tara na,” aniya at tuluyan nang hinawakan ang kamay ko at hinila papunta sa bakanteng table.

There was a whiplash of emotions in my chest as the night with him in that local pub went on. I couldn’t understand why, I always felt this way whenever he brought me to places I haven’t been in before. He was a person full of surprises. And I didn’t know until now that a person like him was all that I needed to continue living my hellish life.

“. . . sa isang munting harana para sa ˋyo.” After singing a song he dedicated to me, he smiled and the whole crowd cheered. Nagtakip ako ng mukha ko dahil ako ang nahihiya para sa kanya—at dahil na rin nahihiya akong makaramdam ng kung ano na naman sa tiyan ko.

He was out of tune.

His singing voice was bad.

The crowd was probably cheering because they found his singing funny.

And yet . . . when he finally returned to our seat, with those stupid smiles plastered on his lips. I couldn’t stop my hands from cupping his cheeks.

I wanted to kiss him.

“Thank you,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Pero nakakahiya. Ang pangit ng boses mo.”

“I fucking know right? But at least I made you smile,” he exclaimed, laughing, as he held my hand on his cheeks.

Umiling na lang ako at pabiro siyang sinampal. His annoyed face when I pulled away made the whole night memorable.

▪ ▪ ▪

“RELAX KA LANG, FEL,” ani Chrome habang pinipisil-pisil ang mga balikat ko. “This night is supposed to be fun! ˋWag kang umupo lang dito sa couch.”

I laughed when Chrome weakly slapped my shoulder. Hinarap niya ako at pinamaywangan. Her dark blue hair was now reflecting the neon lights. Mas nadepina pa ang hubog ng katawan niya dahil sa suot na pulang polo shirt na nakabukas lahat ng butones at denim jeans. Sa isang tingin, hindi aakalain ng sinuman na lalaki ang gusto niya, hindi babae. Halos hilain niya na nga ako patayo pero natatawa lang akong umiling.

I really had no plans to get wasted tonight. If only I wasn’t indebted to Chrome, I wouldn’t even go with her here tonight. Humingi kasi ako ng pabor sa kanya last week na iabot ang bayad ko kay Alex para sa mga nagastos niya sa pamilya ko. I haven’t seen nor heard of that guy for three-months straight ever since he went to our house. Kahit pa gusto ko nang putulin ang koneksyon sa kanya nang mabilisan, hindi ko kaagad nagawa dahil nagkaroon siya ng sudden business trip sa Singapore. He came back to the Philippines last week, and I wasted no time to really cut the thread.

Hindi na rin naman niya ako nagagawa pang kulitin dahil either busy siya, o masyado lang akong nakadikit these past few weeks kay John para mahanap niya pa ako.

Actually, mas gusto kong kasama lang si John pagkatapos ng nakakapagod kong araw. Dahil halos puno ngayon ang bar ng mga kaibigan ni Chrome, kailangan kong makihalubilo sa mga tao. And it was draining me a lot.

“Just enjoy your anniversary with your fiancé tonight, Chrome. ˋWag mo na ˋkong isipin dito. I’ll just join you later.”

Tumawa siya at kumalas. “Okay, fine. Pero promise me na mag-e-enjoy ka nga? Masyadong depressing kung nakaupo ka lang dito. Cheer up! Hindi invited si Alex Uy.” Lumapit siya sa tainga ko at bumulong. “And I banned him here tonight, so you don’t have to worry about him.”

Napahagalpak na ako sa tawa dahil sa narinig sa kanya. Agad akong napatakip sa bibig dahil na-realize kong napasobra ako sa reaksyon. Kinindatan niya naman ako at sinabayan din ang lakas ng tawa ko. “I really owe you a bunch, Chrome. How can I even repay you?”

Hinampas niya ang balikat ko. “Makapagsalita ka naman parang ˋdi tayo magkaibigan!”

Magkaibigan . . .

“Gosh, I think they’re calling me now,” aniya at napalingon sa dancefloor kung saan naghihiyawan ang mga kaibigan niya. “Sige na, I’ll just check you later. Landi ka rin, girl, kung bet mo, habang may chance. ˋWag sayangin ang binigay na ganda ni Lord!”

Humalakhak ako. “Mas maganda ka, Chrome.”

“Kaya mas bet kita kesa kay Tanya, e!”

Ilang segundo pa kaming nag biruan bago niya ˋko tuluyang iwanan. Pinanood ko pa siyang lumundag-lundag habang china-chant ng mga tao ang pangalan niya at ng boyfriend niya. Kinuha ko ang cellphone sa dala kong sling bag para tingnan kung mayroon bang bagong messages. Nang makita ang pangalan ni John sa lockscreen ay agad akong napangiti.

John DS: wru?

Kumunot ang noo ko bago magtipa.

Ako: What?

His message was sent half an hour ago so I wasn’t really expecting to get an immediate response from him. However, he instantly saw my message and three dots appeared, indicating that he was typing.

John DS: where are you?

Ako: I already told you, I’m attending a party.

John DS: without me >:((((

John DS: just making sure u aren’t there partying to replace me xD

John DS: anw with ur gay friend?

Ako: Yes.

He sent me a bunch of emojis and I just shook my head. Chatting with him like this made me feel like I was dating a teenager. Well, I guess that was to be expected since I was almost four years older than him. Even online, he knew how to overwhelm me with his burst of energy. But strangely, I liked talking to him more like this than partying and mingling with people I barely knew.

Habang nakangiti at tumitipa sa cellphone ko ay naramdaman ko si Chrome na bumalik sa couch at tumabi sa akin. She came back with a pack of newcomers and she was urging them to drink and enjoy themselves. Sumulyap ako sa kanila at pinatay ang cellphone.

“Hi, babe! Nasa’n si Tanya? Hindi kayo magkadikit tonight?” bati ng isang babae matapos nilang magbeso ni Chrome.

“Ayaw pumunta! She’s ‘out of town with my boyfriend,’ she said. Can you believe that, Jenny? No’ng tinawagan ko pa, muntik nang sabihin sa ˋkin ˋyung full deets ng fun niya with his boy toy.”

I was about to excuse myself since I wasn’t really acquainted with these people, but Chrome turned to me to introduce me to them. Although kilala ko naman na ang iba sa kanila, dahil either sikat sila or ang mga magulang nila, halos kalahati naman ay hindi pa.

“I know you, ikaw ˋyung palaging kasama rin ni Tanya except from Chrome!” sabi ng isang lalaki matapos akong makipagkamayan.

“Do’n ka nga, Gerard, kami ang magtatabi ni Fel,” mataray namang sabi ni Chrome sabay akbay sa akin.

Tumawa ako. Dati, kapag pumupunta kami sa bar ay humihingi ako ng tulong lagi kay Chrome. Dahil madali lang kasing makakuha ng atensyon ng mga lalaki sa ganitong lugar kapag mag-isa, hinihiling ko kay Chrome na dumikit sa akin hanggang sa makakaya niya. Wala naman iyong kaso sa kanya kasi ayaw niya ring may lumapit sa kanyang babae. She already had a boyfriend, so she liked to avoid them as much as possible.

It was basically a give and take between us. Having someone like her was unquestionably a privilege.

Nagsimulang magkuwentuhan sila Chrome habang ako ay nakikitawa lang at paminsan-minsan ay umiinom. Kailangan ko pa ngang tanggihan ang iilang shots na ibinibigay sa akin. May biglaang plano na naman kasi kaming puntahan ni John bukas, kaya hindi na talaga option ang malasing. The funny thing is he planned everything while I was chatting with him earlier.

I couldn’t believe how I just went along with his crazy ideas. I normally don’t like sudden or unexpected plans. Mas gusto kong nagpaplano nang mabusisi beforehand. But with that guy, I learned how fun surprises could actually be.

Goodness. Para na rin akong teenager dahil sa kanya.

Sakto namang nag-vibrate ang cellphone ko para sa isang notification. I was expecting it to be John’s, and I wasn’t disappointed when it was really him who messaged me.

John DS: can i go there?

John DS: pleaaaasssee? :(

Ako: Chrome rented the bar. Not sure if you can enter if your name's not listed.

John DS: that shouldnt be a prob

John DS: im omw :D! be there in a min

Bahagya akong namawis dahil sa nabasa. That guy. Bago pa man niya sinabi sa akin na pupunta siya, nagda-drive na talaga siya papunta! Naramdaman kong lumuwag ang pagkakaakbay sa akin ni Chrome kaya mabilis akong nagtipa ng reply. He was no longer online, so I thought that maybe he really already arrived. Bumuntonghininga ako at iginala ang mga mata sa buong bar.

“Oh, my gosh!” Jenny’s gasp caught my attention. “Is my eyes playing tricks on me or is that Johandrille De Silva I’m seeing?”

Parang tumigil ang mundo ko nang sundan ng tingin ang itinuro niya. Maging ang mga kaibigan ni Chrome ay napalingon din doon. Nang makumpirmang si John nga talaga iyon ay nag-iwas ako ng tingin bago niya pa man ako makita.

He’s really here!

“In-invite mo siya, Chrome?” tanong kaagad ng mga kaibigan ni Chrome.

She shrugged her shoulders before answering, “Yes?” She chuckled. “But I never thought he would really come. Hindi kami close, e. I don’t think he even knows me.”

“Oh, my god! So why is he here then?”

For me, I thought. But I kept my mouth zipped as I don’t want them to unnecessarily put the spotlight on me. Kung anong scandal pa naman ang pinag-uusapan nila kanina. Baka sa susunod ay ako naman ang maging paksa nila.

“Bet he’s here for a girl,” ani Chrome kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. Nilingon niya rin naman ako at makahulugang nginitian.

“Girl, huh?” sabi naman noong Gerard. “Kinda impossible if you ask me.”

“That guy’s single. What would a busy guy like him do here except find a woman to fuck?”

“Jenny!” saway sa kanya ni Chrome.

“What? It’s true! You see, mamaya makikita mo na lang ˋyang nakikipag-make out kay Antonette—or actually, sa ˋkin!” Jenny giggled.

“You’re delusional, girl,” tawa ni Chrome.

“What did you even see on that guy?” mapait namang sabi ni Gerard. “Have you ever heard about his family’s scandal last week? You’ll ruin your image if you associate yourself with him.” dagdag niya pa.

“Scandal? What scandal? May mistress siya?” Jenny asked in horror.

“Gaga, anong mistress ka diyan? Wala pa ngang jowa ˋdi ba?!”

“Duh! Ako! Ako ang future jowa.” Tumawa si Jenny. “But, what scandal are you talking about?”

Yeah, what scandal? Though I hated listening to their childish conversation, I got intrigued about this scandal they were talking about. Ilang linggo na rin kaming lumalabas ni John. Halos magkasama na nga kami araw-araw. But I have never heard of any issues regarding his personal life. Or has he been keeping it from me? I have been so preoccupied with my work and my fun time with him that I never asked about his problems. I mean, kung mayroon nga siyang problema, bakit ko itatanong? I’ve known my limits. If he wanted to talk about it, he would tell me.

But why would he not tell me something so important after coming all this way?

“I heard his aunt was guilty of charges for tax evasion. She’s the chairman of DIME Holdings. And since she’s directly connected sa executive chairman ng DIME, mainit ngayon ang pamilya nila sa—”

Jenny cut Gerard off. “Oh, my gosh, he’s heading to our table!”

Unable to quickly process what I just heard from Gerard, my body froze. Ramdam ko pa ang paglapit pa sa akin ni Chrome at ang paghigpit ng pagkakaakbay niya sa akin. Nang lingunin ko siya at bigyan ng nagkukuwestyong tingin, kinindatan niya lang ako.

Bumaling ako sa harap para tingnan din kung nasaan na si John, at nakita ko naman siya kaagad. Totoo ngang papunta siya sa amin na may malalim na kunot sa noo. He was only wearing a white button-down shirt with sleeves rolled up to his elbow, a pair of black slacks, and his intense glares at our direction. Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin dahil hindi ko na naman alam ang ire-react ko sa kanya ngayong maraming taong nakakakilala sa amin ang nakatingin.

“He’s staring at you, Fel,” Chrome whispered, stating the obvious.

“He’s looking at me!” sabi naman ni Jenny.

Patago akong umirap at narinig ko ang mahinang tawa ni Chrome.

“Anyways, I saw you two last time sa isang restobar. Kaya naisip kong i-invite siya tonight for fun. I’m not gonna ask if something’s happening between the two of you. I’m just gonna tell you to be careful, Fel. I hope you learned something from your last relationship.” Tumango sa akin si Chrome. “Y’know, I don’t want to stereotype, but men like Johandrille De Silva is very unpredictable—”

I interjected. “Chrome—”

Ngumuso siya. “Malapit na siya, Fel.”

Huminga ako nang malalim at tuluyan nang naestatwa. Ramdam ko naman ang pagpipigil ng tawa ni Chrome dahil doon. Medyo nag-expect pa nga ako na baka hilain ako ni John papalayo kay Chrome . . . pero hindi nangyari.

“Oh, he went past us.”

Namula ang pisngi ko sa hiya. Ano ba namang pinag-iisip ko? Anong hihilain ako papalayo ni John? Have I gone mad? What made me think that he’d do that?

Nagsimula na namang magkuwentuhan ang mga kaibigan ni Chrome habang siya naman ay malakas nang tumatawa. Napahawak na lang ako sa mukha ko dahil sa pagkahiya sa sarili. Kahit pa hindi ko naman sinabi kay Chrome ang nasa isipan ko ay alam kong nahalata niya ako base sa naging reaksyon ko.

Bahagya ko siyang siniko kaya mas lalo pa siyang natawa. “Gosh, Fel. You’re so cute! Are you that smitten with him?”

“Please, shut up, Chrome.”

Sinubukan kong ibalik ang komposisyon ko matapos mapahiya. Napansin ko rin na napapatingin na sa amin ni Chrome ang iba naming ka-table kaya pinatigil ko na siya.

Gusto kong lumingon kung saan na pumunta si John, pero hindi ako hinayaan ng pride ko. Medyo nahihiya pa rin talaga ako sa naisip ko kaya bumuntonghininga na lang ako nang paulit-ulit.

“Johandrille isn’t married nor engaged yet, ˋno?” tanong ni Jenny.

“Yes. But don’t you dare, Jenny,” Gerard exclaimed. “He’s an arrogant dick. Not to mention, a failure as well. Marami ring kinasangkutan na scandal no’n dahil sa pagiging babaero. He’s known as the failure heir of the De Silvas. He’ll just break your heart. Not worth your time.”

Something within me boiled with what Gerard said. Nagpatuloy pa siya sa pagkukuwento ng masasamang bagay tungkol kay John na wala namang katotohanan. How could he say something offensive about John when he didn’t even know him?

I was about to say something, but Jenny beat me to it.

“I don’t care, Gerard. He’s still an heir. Failure or not, sa kanya pa rin mapupunta ang mana ng pamilya niya at sa kanya lang. And see, he’s also hot. Watch me bag him tonight.”

Akala ko ay galit na ako sa naunang pang-iinsulto ni Gerard, pero matapos iyong sabihin ni Jenny ay mas lalo pa akong nairita. Tumayo na rin siya at mabilis na umalis habang chini-cheer ng mga kaibigan niya. Nag-init ang ulo ko kaya minasahe ko iyon para kalmahin ang sarili.

“Jealous already, Fel?” pang-aasar naman ni Chrome. “Kung ako sa ˋyo, ˋdi ako papatalo kung mas maganda naman ako.”

Tinanggal na ni Chrome ang pagkakaakbay sa akin na parang sinasabihan akong puntahan na si John. Tumawa na naman siya kaya halo-halong emosyon na ang nararamdaman ko sa katawan. Nang hindi ko na nakayanan pa ang pang-aasar niya, kasabay ang inis na nararamdaman sa loob, nagpaalam na ako para lumabas muna.

Ni hindi ko na nga nilingon o sinuri ang buong lugar kung nasaan si John. Baka makita ko pa siyang nilalapitan na ni Jenny. Baka mas lalo lang sumikip ang dibdib ko. I didn’t understand why just the thought of him being taken away from me by Jenny awakened some feelings inside me that I didn’t know existed.

Mariin kong kinagat ang labi ko nang tuluyan nang malanghap ang hangin sa labas ng bar. Sinapo ko rin ang noo ko at hinawakan ang dibdib. Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko kung bakit ganoon na lang katindi ang naramdaman ko. Hindi pa naman kami gaanong nagtatagal ni John. Hindi pa kami lubos na magkakilala.

We were barely even there.

Pero . . . bakit ganito kabilis na akong nakakaramdam ng ganito para sa kanya?

Sapo ang noo ay mabilis akong naglakad papunta sa parking lot. Pero hindi pa man ako nakakalimang hakbang ay may bigla na lang humawak sa palapulsuhan ko. Napatigil ako at agad na nilingon kung sino iyon.

I automatically rolled my eyes upon seeing John’s face. I pulled back my hand away from his grip and watched his foul expression grow even darker.

“Sino ˋyung nakaakbay sa ˋyo kanina?”

Umirap na naman ako. “Ano’ng pake mo? Does it matter?”

“Who is he, Victoria?” he asked and then closed the distance between us. “So I was right . . .? You—you’re going to replace me?”

He got a little too close, invading my personal space, so I pushed him a little and took a step back. I saw how badly my actions hurt him. He was reacting strangely, I thought. And when I looked up to meet his eyes, I suddenly felt a strange feeling in my chest.

Again.

“That’s just my friend, John,” I explained.

I hated that I was the one explaining now. I was also frustrated!

But with what? Dahil sa mga pinagsasabi noong Gerard? Dahil sa pang-aasar ni Chrome? Dahil hindi niya ako hinila papalayo kay Chrome? Dahil lalapitan sana siya ni Jenny?

Right now, Felicia Victoria, you sounded really pathetic.

Hinawakan ako sa magkabilang braso ni John kaya agad akong nagtago sa likod ng mga palad ko. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit halo-halo na naman ang nararamdaman ko. Dahil ba sa frustration? Sa pagkapahiya? Sa selos? Sa galit? Galit saan? Dahil hindi ko na talaga maitanggi na mabilis na akong nahuhulog kay John?

Heck, why did I even think that I was already falling for him? This fast?

Am I really . . .?

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Agad na nagbago ang tono ni John nang ibaba ko ang kamay ko at titigan siya sa mga mata.

“That’s just my friend, John,” nanghihina kong sabi. “Just Chrome.”

“Chrome?”

Tumango lang ako nang mahina at kumalas muli sa hawak niya. Tinalikuran ko siya at inisip na naman kung gaano ako katanga ngayon.

Siguro kailangan ko na naman itong isisi sa alak.

But . . . but I can’t since I haven’t drank a single drop!

Napansin kong may mga tao nang tumitingin sa akin na para bang nasisiraan na ako. Mas lalo pang lumala iyon nang maramdaman ang hawak ng magaspang na kamay ni John sa braso ko. Pinaharap niya ako sa kanya.

“Hey. I’m sorry for reacting that way. I just thought it was another guy. I’m sorry. Did I upset you?”

Mas lalo pa akong nahiya at iniwasan siya. Humigpit naman ang hawak niya sa kamay ko.

“Hey . . . Victoria?” tawag niya, pero hindi pa rin ako sumagot. “I’m sorry. I was just upset to see you with some other guys. I know it was immature, but I just felt really petty and really selfish and really . . . jealous.”

Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kanya matapos marinig ang huli niyang sinabi. He was jealous? How could he say that so easily? While here I was . . . still denying feeling that way because . . . it was still so early for this?

But when was the right time to feel something, honestly? Does it take months? Years? Decades? I haven't been in a lot of relationships in my life, so I couldn’t really fathom how romantic relationships work. In fact, if Alex hadn’t pursued me before, I wouldn’t even have had an experience until now.

That was why this blooming relationship between me and John was very new to me. Feeling upset for someone’s sake was new to me. Feeling disappointed because of petty things was new to me. Feeling jealous was new to me. John himself—all of him—was new to me.

This version of me was new but . . . I didn’t hate it.

I stepped forward feeling all giddy inside. Halo-halong emosyon pa rin ang nararamdaman ko, pero natatakpan na iyon ng kung anong init sa loob ko nang makita ang mukha ni John. He was more concerned now than jealous. Did my actions worry him? Did he feel threatened when he saw me with some other guy?

Hinawakan ko ang pisngi ni John at pumungay naman ang mga mata niya. “Why would you be jealous, John?”

Kumurap siya at hinawakan ang kamay ko. “Because I want you all to myself, Victoria.”

This time, I knew I could no longer stop myself.

I wanted to kiss him.

I badly wanted to kiss him.

I leaned closer to John to do just what I have been trying not to do these past few days. That caught him off guard. Nang kumalas ako at lumayo ay parang naliliyo ako sa sariling ginawa.

Damn. I was really mad.

I was mad over this man.

Before I even knew it, he kissed me again—but not just a quick one, it was the one that took me back to that very night by the riverside.

As we made out that night nonstop in his car, in the dark parking lot of the bar, under the star-freckled sky and the full blooming moon, I no longer doubted how fast my feelings were growing for him.