I STOPPED KICKING rocks at the parking area when I saw John walking towards me. Hindi niya na suot ang uniporme niya kanina kaya medyo nalungkot ako. Though he still looks good whatever it is that he is wearing. He was now wearing some casual clothes: a white T-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts. Ibang-iba na ang disposisyon niya habang pinaglalaruan ang key fob ng sasakyan. He ran his fingers through his hair while it was being messed up by the eight PM breeze. There was a sly smirk in his lips as he approached me.

“Sorry for making you wait.”

I looked away momentarily. “Ten minutes isn’t that long.” I shrugged. “Besides, ako ang nag-aya kaya ethical na ako ang maghihintay.”

Bahagya siyang tumawa dahil sa sinabi ko. Pinanliitan ko siya ng mga mata dahil mukhang may komento na naman siya sa akin. Although, after a few seconds, the expected teasing never went out his mouth. Instead, he just stared at my face. Bumaba ang tingin niya mula sa mukha ko hanggang sa dibdib ko. Nailang naman ako sa malaswa niyang tingin kaya tinakpan ko ang parteng tinititigan niya.

“Are you sure you wanna go with me somewhere?”

Naiilang man ay inagaw ko ang hawak niyang key fob at in-unlock ang sasakyan niya. Agad iyong tumunog. “Yeah. Unless you have somewhere else to go to?”

“Nah,” mabilis niyang sagot at inagaw rin ang key fob. “I literally cut my work for you. Sa’n pa ba ˋko pupunta?”

Binuksan niya ang pinto ng passenger’s seat para sa akin. Inilahad niya ang loob at matagal ko naman siyang tinitigan bago pumasok. Umikot siya para makasakay na rin sa kotse.

“And where would we go, huh?”

I hated how his voice sounded so malicious. Bahagya ko siyang tinampal sa balikat at humalakhak naman siya.

“Hotel? Motel? My condo? Your house?”

“Stop making fun of me, De Silva.”

Humalakhak siya nang sobrang lakas. Kahit nakakairita ang mga sinabi niya ay hindi ko napigilan ang sariling mangiti na rin habang sinusulyapan siya.

“Whoa!” bigla niyang sigaw kasabay ng pag-andar ng makina ng sasakyan. “So you can also do that!” mangha niyang dagdag.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Do what?”

“That.” Itinuro na ang mga labi ko kaya napahawak ako roon. Dahil sa malawak na ngiti ni John ay doon ko lang din napagtanto na hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong mapangiti.

I immediately forced my lips to rest in a thin, straight line. John sighed.

“Maka-react ka parang ngayon ka lang nakakita ng taong nakangiti,” nakasimangot ko nang sambit.

“Don’t misunderstand me. Hindi ikaw ang unang taong nakitang kong nakangiti; it’s just that this was the first time I saw you smile around me. It’s fascinating. You look even more beautiful.”

I suddenly felt hot. I even had to clench my fist. John finally started maneuvering the car out of the parking space while I was left speechless.

“Is it really that fascinating . . .” bulong ko. Agad ko namang pinagsisihan dahil mukhang narinig iyon ni John.

“It is, Victoria,” he said in the most sincere way I’ve heard of him. “Lagi kang nakasimangot or poker faced kapag kasama mo ˋko. I even thought you maybe hated me so much.”

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na nagkakamali siya pero hindi ko ginawa. Paano ko naman siya kamumuhian? He was the one on my side while I was having my intrusive thoughts. Had it not been for him—who knows? Maybe the alcohol in my system that night made me really jump off that run-down bridge.

He basically saved me.

Dahil sa awkward na katahimikan sa loob ng kotse ay nag-connect na lang si John ng cellphone niya sa radio. An unfamiliar song started playing and he hummed along with it.

“By the way,” aniya nang tumigil ang sasakyan dahil sa red light. “I know that you’ve been visiting J. Guerrier these past few days. And you kept asking my employees indirect questions about me. May I ask why?” Sinulyapan niya ako kaya mabilis akong bumaling sa bintana. “More importantly, why would you even look for me? Akala ko ba ayaw mong lumagpas tayo—”

“Let’s go there,” I said instead of answering his questions. Umandar na ulit ang sasakyan kaya alam kong hindi na siya sa akin nakatingin.

“Go where?”

“Sa . . . tabing-ilog. Kung sa’n tayo unang nagkita.”

I heard him gasp. “Whoa, woman. Are you, perhaps, insinuating a reenactment? Sana sinabi mo na lang nang diretsahan, wala namang kaso sa ˋkin ˋyon.”

“Stop teasing me, Johandrille. Magmaneho ka na lang papunta do’n.”

He shrugged his shoulders in defeat. He just drove joyfully while banging his head. Sinasabayan niya pa nga ang kanta. And I wasn’t going to lie, although his speaking voice was beautiful, his singing wasn’t.

“Whatever emotions that we’re feeling at this time. When we got issues, we can solve ’em down the line—” he sang and I just shook my head.

“Nga pala, puwede ko bang itanong kung bakit isini-sikreto mong meron kang pinamamalakad na restaurant?” tanong ko para hindi na siya kumanta.

It took him some time before he responded. Akala ko nga, ayaw niyang sumagot o kaya naman ay nag-iisip ng pang-asar dahil sa medyo personal na tanong ko, pero hindi naman dahil sumagot din naman siya, “My father wouldn’t like it.”

“Bakit naman? Hindi ba mas maganda ring negosyo ang restaurant? That can add more to your growing businesses. You can never go wrong in the hospitality industry, unless you’re stupid at marketing your business,” litanya ko sabay kibit ng balikat.

“You’re right, it would be,” he whispered, his voice almost drowned out by the music, “if only I wasn’t stupid.”

Napakurap-kurap ako dahil sa narinig. “What—”

Saktong red light na naman kaya biglang tumigil ang sasakyan. Matalim kong tiningnan si John, pero inosente lang siyang ngumiti sa akin at sumabay pa talagang kumanta sa musika.

He was obviously trying to piss me off, but what he said really got into my head so I ignored it. “What do you mean by stupid? Nalulugi na ba ang J. Guerrier? Hindi ka marunong mag-promote ng restaurant mo? You know what? Maybe I can . . .” I trailed off, unable to say the words that I wanted to say.

The street light turned green so he continued driving. “It’s not what you think it is, Victoria. Mas komplikado pa diyan ang nangyayari. You don’t need to stress yourself thinking ’bout it,” he uttered. “Anyway, enough about me. I wanna talk about you, Victoria. Ano’ng pumasok sa isip mo’t bigla mo ˋkong dadalhin sa lugar na ˋyon? Well, in our case right now, ako naman talaga ang magdadala sa ˋyo. But still . . . this is all too suspicious. Didn’t you want us to remain strangers?”

It was so obvious that he wanted to change topics by diverting it to me. Ayokong maging awkward kaya sinayaban ko na lang. “So many questions, De Silva. Why so talkative?”

Nakita ko ang paghaba ng nguso niya. “Oh, so do you want me to shut up for the rest of the night then?” tanong niya pero hindi ko sinagot. Pinagtaasan ko lang siya ng kilay. Mas humaba pa ang nguso niya “Fine, then!”

At nanahimik nga siya.

Hindi ko na rin naman siya inimik dahil akala ko, mag-iingay din naman ulit siya. Pero nakaanimnapung bilang na ako sa ulo ko ay hindi pa rin siya kumikibo. Kahit pa halatang gusto niyang makikanta sa tugtog sa radyo, nanatiling nakatikom ang bibig niya.

“Hey, are you being serious right now?” tanong ko sa kanya. Hindi niya ako sinagot. “Johandrille?”

Okay . . . this is so childish.

Tinusok ko ng hintuturo ang balikat niya nang hindi pa rin siya sumagot sa tawag ko. Iritado akong suminghal nang makita ko ang multo ng ngisi sa labi niya. Ah, I knew it, he was just messing with me. And, man, I could say that it was really effective. Naiinis na nga ako!

“Maybe I’ll talk again if you answer my questions,” aniya matapos kong sumuko.

Kinagat ko ang labi ko nang makita ko ang repleksyon ko sa salamin. Magkakaroon na kasi ako ng tuka dahil sa narinig kay John. Pareho na kami ritong magiging pato dahil sa kakanguso. Humalukipkip ako at bumuntonghininga.

Gusto ko ring itanong sa sarili ko ang mga tanong niya. Bakit biglaang bumaliktad ang mundo at ngayon ay parang gusto ko nang malaman ang lahat sa kanya? Kahit na alam ko naman—at nasaksihan pa ng dalawa kong mga mata kung paano siya umakto noong nakaraan sa likod ng restaurant. He was basically still into that Danielle. No. He was not just into her, he’s head over heels. But . . .

I swallowed the lump in my throat as the surge of words came rolling down the tip of my tongue. “Bakit ko ˋto ginagawa, you asked? Well, it’s because you’ve been running a lot in my head . . . since the last time we talked.”

Why was I so honest when it came to him?

“Hm-mm.”

Tiningnan ko siya at nahuli kong sumilay ang malawak na ngiti sa mga labi niya. Nag-iwas kaagad ako ng tingin nang sumulyap siya sa akin.

“Did you drink?” tanong niya. “I bet not. ˋDi ka naman amoy alak.”

“Why do you keep asking stupid questions—”

He cut me off. “I guess that makes us two, then. You’ve been in my mind too, Victoria. A lot. Staying rent-free. Ever since the night we fucked.”

Halos malagutan na ako ng hininga. I didn’t expect that response from him . . . since I thought he hated me when I rejected him.

“But I can’t blame you, though. What we did before was very sensual . . . and addicting—and it makes me want more . . . of you.”

Hinawakan ko ang magkabila kong pisngi dahil sa pagkahiya sa narinig. Sumiksik ako sa gilid ng kinauupuan at hindi alam kung ano’ng magiging reaksyon.

And here I thought he was finally taking me seriously tonight!

“Y-your vulgar mouth is slowly getting under my skin . . .”

I stopped talking when I realized that my choice of words was making me feel way more uncomfortable.

“Didn’t I already get under you, Victoria?”

I hated how I knew immediately that he would say that!

Humalakhak si John kaya tinalikuran ko na. Nakakainis dahil ako lang din naman ang nagbibigay sa kanya ng tsansa para pagtripan ako.

“We’re here.”

Kung hindi niya pa iyon sinabi ay hindi ko pa mapapansin na tumigil na ang sasakyan at naroon na nga kami sa lugar kung saan kami unang nagkita.

“Wait here for a sec. I’ll just buy us some things.”

Hindi na ako nakapagsabi pa ng kung ano dahil agad nang lumabas si John. Dinungaw ko siyang tumatakbo papunta sa may malapit na sari-sari store. Sinampal ko ang sarili ko para matauhan ako sa pinaggagawa ko.

“What will you get out of this, Felicia Victoria?” tanong ko sa sarili.

Ilang sandali pa ay bumukas nang muli ang pinto ng sasakyan at pumasok si John. Nakangisi niya sa aking inabot ang isang supot ng mga binili niya. Nagtataka man ay kinuha ko iyon at tiningnan kung ano ang nasa loob.

“Ba’t may alak dito?” tanong ko at inilabas ang isang bote ng alak. Mayroon din doong isang isa’t kalahating litro ng Coca-Cola, isang pack ng tube ice, dalawang bag ng chips, at plastic pitcher.

“Favorite mo ˋyan, ah?”

Umirap ako. Sa dinami-rami talaga ng pipiliin niyang alak, Alfonso pa talaga? Gusto niya talagang mang-inis lagi?

“Just to be clear with you, ˋdi kita inayang pumunta dito para maglasing at gawin kung ano’ng ginawa natin no’n.”

He titled his head. “Then why are we here exactly?”

Natikom ko ang bibig ko at nagbaba ng tingin. Actually, hindi ko rin alam. I just started suggesting to go here out of impulse . . . and probably on a whim. When I saw him earlier in his restaurant, wearing his chef’s uniform and giving me his familiar smirks, I thought that maybe . . . I just missed him.

A lot.

Which was very weird since I barely even know him? To tell the truth, he was still a stranger to me. Kung wala lang nangyari sa aming dalawa noong gabing iyon, siguro ay madali lang siyang mawala sa sistema ko.

Pero hindi . . . this attraction I have for him and the connection we had before just added more to this growing feeling.

Honestly, I didn’t even wanna admit that to myself. Dahil estranghero si John.

Hindi ko pa siya lubos na kilala.

“Halika na lang.”

Lumabas ako ng kotse niya at mabilis naman siyang sumunod. Nang nasa labas na kami ay hinawakan ko siya sa palapulsuhan niya at mabilis na hinigit pababa sa tabing-ilog.

“Victoria . . .” tawag niya.

Hindi ko siya sinagot. Hinigit ko lang siya at halos patakbo nang bumaba sa batong hagdan. Nang umihip sa akin ang hangin at marinig ang rumaragasang tubig ay agad kong naalala iyong gabi ng nakaraan. Pinilig ko ang ulo ko para maiwala ang hindi magagandang memorya noong gabing iyon.

“I didn’t bring a tent with me. Baka lamigin ka dito,” John said with a hint of concern in his tone.

Binitawan ko ang kamay niya at nagbaba agad siya ng tingin doon. “It’s fine. We won’t stay long.”

“Talaga?” tanong niya, may kung ano sa tono ng boses.

“May trabaho pa ˋko bukas, and I’m assuming that you’d be busy, too. Stop thinking na may gagawin tayong kababalaghan dito. Masyado kang ano.”

“Ano?” Nagtaas siya ng kilay. “Wala naman akong sinasabing may gagawin tayong kababalaghan, ah? You’re the one thinking about the nasty stuff, Victoria.”

Umirap ako. At ako pa talaga ang pinag-isipan niya nang ganyan.

“Just don’t say anything for a minute.”

Hinigit ko siyang muli papunta sa may malalaking bato. The rocks were lying flatly on the ground exactly as I remembered them. Dito ko siya unang nakitang nakaupo. Binitawan ko ang kamay niya at umupo sa may pinakamalaking bato. Sinenyasan ko siyang umupo rin sa tabi ko, pero tumitig lang siya sa akin na parang may ipinapahiwatig.

“Alam ko na ang iniisip mo. Please, ˋwag mo nang i-mention pa.”

It’d just make everything more awkward than it already is!

“You’re thinking so badly of me. I’m hurt,” John said. He sat beside me and then opened the bottle of alcohol and soda. I quietly watched him mix the two in the plastic pitcher with a smug look on his face. After mixing, he then added the tube ice and then proudly showed me the drink. I rolled my eyes. When he was finally finished, he stretched his arms to get something in the plastic bag. I watched how his eyes widened and then he exclaimed, “Fuck. I forgot to buy disposable cups!”

Pinanood ko siya na parang pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa habang natulala sa hawak na plastic bag.

Inagaw ko naman sa kanya ang pitsel at inirapan siya. Ngayon ay siya naman ang nanood sa aking tunggain ang alak sa bunganga ng pitsel na para bang tubig lang iyon. Agad kong nalasahan ang magkahalong pait at tamis ng alak at sodang pinaghalo niya. Not bad, I thought. This man knows how to mix drinks.

Inagaw naman sa akin ni John ang pitsel kaya sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. Inilapag niya iyon sa katabi naming bato at nagbukas ng chichirya. Ibinigay niya iyon sa akin at mabilis ko namang kinuha.

“Whoa, chill, woman! ˋWag mo namang ipamukha na mas gusto mo pa ang alak at chips na ˋto kesa sa ˋkin.”

“Ang dami mo talagang alam, ˋno?” tanong ko habang ngumunguya.

“Maybe,” he replied, smirking, “but when it comes to you, I still know nothing.”

Dahil sa alak ay nagkaroon ako ng kaunting lakas para tingnan nang diretso sa mga mata si John. He was very serious. And I hated how expressive his eyes could get sometimes. It made me understand his emotions more easily. So now, I knew that he was looking at me like I was a puzzle he wanted to solve.

I heaved a deep sigh before parting my lips to talk. “I’m Felicia Victoria Guerrero Nervaez. Twenty-seven years old. born on the twenty-ninth day of December. The eldest child of Lonardio and Veronica Nervaez. Has five younger siblings. Graduated with a bachelor’s degree in business administration and majored in marketing management—which I only took for practicality. Only had one boyfriend, an obsessive and narcissistic one—who I never really loved. Hardworking, ambitious, stupid, and—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Chill . . .” John stopped me from talking. He laughed inwardly. “What?”

Nanliit ang mga mata ko habang pinagmamasadan siya. Mukha siyang natatawa pero naguguluhan din. Ganoon din siguro ang itsura ko ngayon, actually. Well, I just started rapping out all of the basic information about myself, even I would react like that if I heard myself.

“Sabi mo, wala kang kaalam-alam tungkol sa ˋkin, so there you go. Those are the very basic information about me.”

What the heck was I blabbering about?

Hindi kaagad nakasagot si John at tumitig lang sa akin. Nagpatuloy lang ako sa pagsasalita.

“How about you? Full name? Birthdate? Parents? Got any siblings? Bachelor’s degree? How many people have you dated?” I already knew some of the basic information about him, yet I still wanted to ask.

Umawang ang labi niya at bumuntonghininga. “Are we really going to do this?”

“Yes,” sagot ko.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

He chuckled. “Fine,” he said as he stretched his legs. “As you may already know, I’m Johandrille Callagas De Silva. Birthdate is May twenty-first. The only son of Mr. and Mrs. De Silva. Has a bachelor’s degree in culinary arts. I couldn’t remember how many exes I had. Hardworking, ambitious, stupid, and ready to give up on life—not until a drunkard started talking to me on this riverside.”

He said everything so nonchalantly, yet he was still able to make the tip of my fingers shake. There was something in the last sentence he said that affected my system. I was about to say something else but he interrupted, leaving me stoned on my seat once more.

“This is so silly,” aniya at uminom sa bote ng alak. “Let’s talk about trivial things next time. I wanna ask you something much more important, Victoria.”

My heart thumped. I held onto it in hopes that it wouldn’t jump out of my ribcage.

This man really knew how to mess with my system, huh?

“Tell me honestly . . . why was I running inside your head . . . that is, after you indirectly pushed me away last time?”

“John . . .” His name was the first thing that came out of my mouth.

Pumikit siya nang mariin at humarap sa ilog. Tumungga siya ulit sa hawak na pitsel bago humarap sa akin. Nagkatitigan lang kaming dalawa. Hindi ako nagsalita. Hindi rin siya nagsalita. Bumalot sa aming dalawa ang mumunting ingay na nanggagaling sa hangin, mga kuliglig, at rumaragasang tubig.

Why did I really bring him here? What do I really want to do?

Now I kind of regretted pulling him here. Wala naman ako matinong masabi. Talagang dahil lang sa kapritso ko kaya ko siya ginambala.

Niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko.

Sa gitna ng pagsisisi ko ay naputol iyon nang magsalita si John.

“Danielle . . . that girl I was arguing with was my best friend.”

Pumungay ang mga mata niya at kuminang dahil sa repleksyon ng bilog na buwan. Diretso siyang uminom sa pitsel. Inilahad niya iyon sa akin pagkatapos at malugod ko namang tinanggap.

“I’ve been with her since I was six. Anak siya ng mayordoma ng mansion namin kaya halos sabay na rin kaming lumaki.”

I pursed my lips. “John . . . why are you suddenly telling me this?”

“Because I want to, Victoria. You might not want to know me better, but strangely enough, I want you to understand me a little bit more . . . kahit konti lang.”

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. “Okay. I will listen.”

Tumikhim siya. “As I said before, we couldn’t be together. There was a lot of factors. But to name the worst, it’s the social status. I’m at the top, she’s at the very bottom. My family won’t approve—my father won’t approve.”

“That was tragic,” I mumbled. I really didn’t know what to say. “But I must admit, it’s like one of those shitty telenovelas. Your family is already filthy rich; why does it matter if you want to be with someone who hasn’t been showering in a bathtub of cash since the day she was born?”

“I know right? That’s my thoughts exactly! Parang ˋyong gasgas na trope na ‘rich guy meets poor girl’ and the main conflict is money. Fucking shit show. But let me commend you, though, it was like you’ve read my mind just now.” He giggled. “But it sucks that things that happen in those shitty telenovelas also happen in real life—in this modern fucking era. What’s worse is it’s literally my life.”

Malalim ko siyang tinitigan. Kita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata niya na pilit niyang itinatago. I tried reaching for his hand, but stopped midway.

“Did you not . . . fight for her?”

“I did . . .” He sighed. “I fought for her . . . of course I did.”

Umiwas ako ng tingin at uminom sa pitsel. Halos mahilo na ako dahil sa dami ng ininom ko. Grabe pa naman ang tama nitong alak na ito. Sana lang umuwi ako ngayong gabi nang hindi nagkakalat. Kung hindi lang ako interesado sa kuwento ni John ay kanina pa siguro ako nawalan ng malay rito.

“That night you saw me here, that wasn’t actually the first time she gave up on me. I’ve been trying to win her over since last year, but to no avail. And I got tired too, you know? Especially when I heard that she’ll get married soon. Though I loved the person, I have also reached my limit.”

Mahina akong ngumuya ng chips para mawala ang pait na nalalasahan ko. Binigyan ko rin siya at tumatawa siyang kinuha iyon.

“I can still see your longing for her, John,” seryoso kong sabi.

“I longed for the lost memories perhaps. But the feelings are no longer there, Victoria.”

Nagbaba ako ng tingin. I don’t believe him.

“I’m so sorry for rushing things between us. I just realized that you’ve been going through a hard phase in your life—with your family and Alexandre, that is. It’s just that . . . I was so overwhelmed with what I felt with you that night . . . I couldn’t get you off my head.”

“Don’t you think you’re just infatuated or . . . confused? Kahit pa sinabi mong isang taon na mula no’ng una kang iniwan n’ong Danielle, nararamdaman ko pa rin sa ˋyo na may nararamdaman ka pa sa kanya.”

Funny how I was telling him this, yet I thought I was also the same—madly infatuated with him. Kaya nga nandito na naman ako’t kasama siya. Kasi hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili ko. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit masyado ako sa kanyang nahahatak. It was like I didn’t have the option to pull out.

Tumawa siya at umiling. “She’s getting married—and not to me. Maybe I’m salty about it since I’m attached to all the memories we made, but I assure you that my feelings are no longer here.” Nagulat ako nang bigla niyang hawakan ang kamay ko at titigan ako sa mga mata nang malalim. “What I feel about you, Victoria, is different from what I felt with her. I know you’re thinking that I’m so quick with declaring my feelings. And I don’t want to rush you, but I don’t want to lie as well.”

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kamay niyang humaplos sa kamay ko. Naroon na naman iyong kakaibang pakiramdam sa tiyan ko na sa kanya ko lang nararamdaman. What was it called? Butterflies in your stomach?

Ugh. Tumitindig ang mga balahibo ko sa batok. Since when did I start becoming so lovesick? Dahil lang talaga sa lalaking ito?

“Believe me. I tried avoiding you whenever I see you at Ciscal. I did my best to distance myself in the hopes that what I felt three months ago was really just infatuation. Or maybe I just really wanted to convince myself that I have moved on already,” he said, pausing for a while, and then he sighed. “But in my free time, all I think about is nothing but you. Not my ex. Not about moving on. Not even myself. Just you, Victoria. Just you.”

Pumikit ako nang mariin at ambang iinom muli sa pitsel ng alak, pero bago pa man iyon dumikit sa labi ko ay pinigilan na ako ni John. Inagaw niya sa akin ang plastic pitcher at ibinaba iyon. Ngayon ay nagkatitigan na naman kami.

But I lost the staring contest. Para bang nawala ang alak sa sistema ko at napalitan na naman ng hiya. Tumitig na lang ako sa ilog at nag-angat ng tingin sa mga bituin.

It was funny how just two months ago, I wouldn’t even want to get near anyone because of my personal dilemmas. And then, now, I was allowing myself to get close to this man who had been inside my head since the night I laid eyes on him.

I didn’t even care about whether he was true to his intentions or not. I just . . .

“I want to get to know you better now too, John.”