La Finale (pt. 1 of unknown)

(drabble series)

Dear,

This will be the last letter I ever write to you. As I sit here, determined to find some closure in this letter, I have resolved: this is the last time you will ever hear from me.

It isn’t your fault. It isn’t you, but it isn’t me either. Your memory lingers, I hope you know that. I hope you know that in every shadow of whim, every turn of the block, every smile, every couple holding hands, I see you. And I remember you. How could I not remember these things? It was always the little things that held you to me the most. It was the smallest of things that compelled me to love you. I use that word, ‘compelled,’ with a sober diction. It is hurtful to use it, for it makes everything that I thought we stood for seem forced. To compel myself to love you was not my choice. It was on accident, on purpose, by swift action, by some other force of nature that no one really has control over. 

If I could have picked, if I could have chosen specifically who I would love, I am not sure I would have chosen you. 7 years and counting was quite some time, though, and it was quite a ride. I enjoyed the things we shared and even the things you chose not to share with me. Looking back, I enjoy it all. I regret it all.

It was nice knowing you.

Sincerely,

undersigned

(pt. 2 of unknown)

There was a girl with bright hair sitting in a dark car with dark windows in a dark place. The clouds were dark, the gate her car was parked in front of was dark, and even her sunglasses were dark. It did not matter: it fit the occasional well. She knew where she was going, where she was supposed to be (exactly where she was not). She knew the past and dreamt for the future.

The leather of her seats were black, her coat was black, and her nails were painted black. It suited her.

The night was awfully clear as she pulled out of her driveway, past the dark gate and onto the night road. Unbelievable cold it was for her as she sped off; she left a tall building behind her. The building had many windows, and pressed up against the glass of one of these windows was a woman.

She had dark, dark hair and an odd expression. A soft smile formed on her pale lips as the moonlight illuminated her delicate face and the dark car sped away. She would go back to bed and pretend to sleep until her other returned, like she did every night. She would pretend to sleep because it would make her other happy. She thought love meant making somebody happy. She didn’t know making somebody happy didn’t require any love at all.

yes, happy happy. Be happy, indeed.

Fog began rolling in from somewhere, converging somewhere.

But she couldn’t know from where. They couldn’t know to where.

La Finale (pt. 3 of unknown)

There was a moan from the woman who had taken off her dark clothes and dark sunglasses. It was perhaps 3, 4, in the morning. She was lying on the bed and there was someone hovering on top of her. A man.

Their bodies were tangled like cords, like strings often tangle when left to tangle for too long. She gasped, he breathed. Hard. Deeply. Exhaling, inhaling. 

Bodies rising together, in motion, in parallel. They weren't wearing very much at all. 

"Jessica," he breathed after he rolled off her body, "Don't leave."

Her eyes were closed and she responded:

"But I must."

-------

She dressed and drove back home, leaving the man behind. She drove towards her lover in the house, the lover who waited by windows every night for her return. Both knew the other knew; both afraid to say anything. Kisses were quaint and polite now.

Now was a span of 7 years.

The next night, Kwon Yuri began to pack her bags. One piece of clothing at a time.

"Yuri," asked Jessica one morning, "Are you alright?"

Their smiles were forced.

"Yes, yes. I'm perfectly alright."

She forced a smile.

"Okay then, if you say so."

Jessica kissed Yuri good-by before one of them left for work. She kissed her goodbye for the last time, because she wouldn't be home. Jessica was not home when Yuri was, later that day. 

A part of her knew she was gone forever. A part of her had known, had noticed, for the past 3 years when Jessica would leave in the middle of the night. She watched for 3 years through windows, waiting by windows, for her lover with the golden hair. She was quiet and faithful for 3 years; they had both been faithful to each other for 7 years in heart but never in body. It could never be for them, though Yuri did not know till now.

It was a dark night when Yuri finally packed her last bag. Jessica wasn't home, but Yuri decided anyway that she would leave tomorrow night. She just wanted one last night.

La Finale (pt. 4 of unknown)

"It happens, Jessica. People drift. It's what happens. Once it starts, it can't be stopped. Just let it be."

They were having dinner at a cafe. Jessica could not stop feeling guilty. She had never been this obvious. She had only disappeared in the middle of the night.

"I don't know. I just don't know."

The man begged for her again. He wanted her almost as much as Yuri once had, before 7 years had started. Before love had compelled them to.

She sighed, and felt guilty again.

-----

Yuri was halfway in between attempting to drown herself in the shower and enjoying the heat. It was consuming her, just a bit. The steam began rising and she felt her muscles relax. There was a time when her other would give her massages, when she would caress her. Before she began to disappear in the middle of the night. There was no more time for love, no more love to be made between them.

She stepped out of the shower and wrapped her hair in the towel. Water droplets covered the mirror and even she didn't want to look, because someone she loved seemed not to want to either. She opened the little drawer to pull out the toothpaste.

She sighed quietly. The tube was empty.

She didn't have much energy left for cursing or swearing or overreacting because she didn't have what she needed.

Carefully, cautiously, she tiptoed, as if afraid to make noise, downstairs to the supply cabinet, looking for toothpaste; she found instead Jessica sitting on the couch of the living room quietly, looking out the window.

She stopped dead in her tracks. Something about the overcast made her look simply precious. Gorgeous, beautiful. Jessica smiled lightly at her, a genuine smile, so she could break her heart some more.

"Hey," said Jessica.

Yuri could feel water droplets sliding down her back. She felt cold.

"Hi," said Yuri.

Maybe they both knew.

"Looking for something?" asked Jessica.

"I didn't hear you come home."

"You were in the shower."

"Oh," said Yuri quietly, happily, "I'm looking for toothpaste. Bathroom upstairs is out."

"Hang on," said Jessica, jumping to her feet, "I'll get it for you."

She was so polite to Yuri, mystifying her, breaking her heart some more. Yuri watched as water droplets slid down her back some more and Jessica pranced to the cabinet and pulled out a tube of toothpaste. She was so beautiful, like their apartment, like the sun, like the moon, like the golden hair that fell upon her face. She was even more beautiful now that she did not belong to Yuri.

"Thanks," said Yuri, as Jessica stopped in front of her.

Yuri reached out for the small tube and instead found Jessica's hands. Eyes met.

She released Jessica's hand and the tube dropped to the floor. Jessica reached down to pick it up, but before she could, Yuri stopped her.

She held her, held her hand. Frozen.

"Don't," said Yuri quietly, "No need."

Jessica straightened up as Yuri still did not release her hand. Jessica could see the water droplets, sweat droplets on Yuri's forehead. She had seen something similar a long time ago, wondered if it could be the same again.

They were frozen, until Jessica moved - she moved in to Yuri.

La Finale (pt. 5 of unknown)

Her towel was on the floor. Her clothes were coming off. They looked into each other’s eyes, slowly. It was a slow, passionate process. It was a process of abandonment – neither of them had felt this way for quite some time.

Yuri could see the tension in Jessica’s eyes. She could see the yearning, the love (but for who), the guilt. Jessica wanted to apologize now, as she was straddling Yuri’s hips on the sofa, as she stared into her eyes. This was the only way she could tell Yuri she was sorry.

(Did Yuri even know?)

Her hands were trembling; her lips quivered. This mass, this body, beneath Jessica, had not been felt for a while. And it showed. This feeling, emotions of lust and desire, were shown. She had lost that expert touch of long ago when she knew exactly what Yuri wanted and how. Now she was careless and sloppy. It was like the first time – only that time it was for love. This time was for closure, for forgiveness.

Yuri gasped. She accepted the apology. 

She let it enter her, let the feeling of sorrow make her body quiver. She shuddered, over and over, until there was nothing left to say. She released. She exhaled. Long, long breaths.

Yuri laid there for a while, although Jessica rose almost immediately. Nothing was said. Yuri closed her eyes and let her go. She could hear the door closing and the engine starting. She could feel Jessica leaving.

Good closure, she thought. Good, good, good.

Yuri stood up and sighed. It was time to brush her teeth while staring into an empty mirror in an empty bathroom in an empty house.

----------

Yuri left the bathroom and went into her study. She pulled out her laptop and opened up a blank document.

Dear Jessica,

She stopped. Would typing be too impersonal? Perhaps it would be suitable to counteract the hurt? 

Yuri closed the laptop moved it aside. She found a piece of paper and a pen, and began to write.

Dear,

This will be the last letter I ever write to you. As I sit here, determined to find some closure in this letter, I have resolved: this is the last time you will ever hear from me.

It isn’t your fault. It isn’t you, but it isn’t me either. Your memory lingers, I hope you know that. I hope you know that in every shadow of whim, every turn of the block, every smile, every couple holding hands, I see you. And I remember you. How could I not remember these things? It was always the little things that held you to me the most. It was the smallest of things that compelled me to love you. I use that word, ‘compelled,’ with a sober diction. It is hurtful to use it, for it makes everything that I thought we stood for seem forced. To compel myself to love you was not my choice. It was on accident, on purpose, by swift action, by some other force of nature that no one really has control over. 

If I could have picked, if I could have chosen specifically who I would love, I am not sure I would have chosen you. 7 years and counting was quite some time, though, and it was quite a ride. I enjoyed the things we shared and even the things you chose not to share with me. Looking back, I enjoy it all. I regret it all.

It was nice knowing you.

Sincerely,

Yu –

A tear fell onto the paper. Her hands trembled. The sound of her sobs consumed the room. She looked a little blank, wondering if a paper and pen and some emotional writing could really do what she wanted to. Her bags were packed and Jessica hadn’t even noticed.

Another tear fell onto the paper and the house was dead silent until –

The doorknob to the study turned slowly. Yuri looked up in alarm at the clock: 3AM.

She looked at the door as it opened and wanted to close her eyes. She did not know why.

“Hey,” said Jessica as she walked in.

Yuri crumpled up the paper and threw it into the trashcan right next to her desk.

“Hi –

“What was that?” asked Jessica.

She was holding something behind her back. It looked like flowers. Yuri thought it looked like a decent apology. 

She looked into Jessica’s eyes and saw something sorry. She saw the real apology she had accepted a few hours before.

Jessica raised her eyebrows, waiting for Yuri to answer. Yuri took one final glance at the crumpled paper in the bin before locking eyes with Jessica and smiling.

“Nothing. It was nothing at all.”

And there the letter stayed.

End.

Blackbird

(dedicated to a special someone)

Jessica had dark eyeliner, black streaks in her blonde hair, black nail polish, and a cigarette in her mouth. She pulled out a lighter and enjoyed her last source of recourse.

She took a long breath, a long puff, exhaled deeply. She was standing outside a building that attempted to look happy but could look nothing but neutral.

It was overcast above, so when she breathed it looked like she could breathe the sky: where she wanted to be.

“Hey!” said a security guard who had just exited the hospital, “No smoking here! Are you crazy?”

She took one last breath before throwing the cigarette on the floor and extinguishing it with her boot.

“Yes.” She walked away.

---------

A young girl with blonde hair was standing on a stool, reaching up to a birdfeeder. She was in a handsome garden, with lovely rosebushes and pathways and fountains. She stayed in the garden for several hours a day, smiling as she watched a blackbird come and eat the food she left in the feeder.

It had a white spot on its forehead. Its eyes seemed to smile at her. Birds always seemed to be smiling, animals always seemed to be happy to the young girl. So she was happy, too.

She named the bird “Peter.” Everyday, she would feed Peter, and Peter would visit her in return. They laughed together, smiled together, and forever the happiness was etched on her face, in her smiles.

The girl grew into a young woman, perhaps 11 or 12 years of age, but still thought that animals were forever happy. She smiled almost everyday, even after she attended school because Peter visited her. One day, after receiving less-than-stellar comments from a teacher, she came home crying, wishing to see Peter.

“No, miss!” said her gardener, “I am sorry but you should not out here,” as she tried to enter the garden.

“No! I need to see Peter!”

“Please go inside and do you homework first, then see Peter after.”

“Ugh!” the little girl ran past the gardener and into the garden.

She smiled a child’s smile when she was there and looked to the feeder, but it was empty. Instead, there was a massive trail of ants leading somewhere. Curious, anxious, the girl followed the ants. She followed them right to Peter, who was lying on the edge of her lawn. His chest was open, his flesh was showing; his flesh was covered in insects.

“P-Peter!” cried the girl, trying to reach out for the bird.

The gardener had followed her and was scared to approach.

“Don’t,” said a woman quietly behind her. It was the girl’s mother.

The gardener looked at her and nodded. They walked away together as the girl tried to touch Peter, always retreating when her hands were within several centimeters. Peter’s eyes opened and he looked at her. She smiled softly.

“P-Peter?” she asked, voice cracking, “Smile?”

Peter’s eyes closed after he smiled for Jessica, for just a second. He stopped squirming as the insects continued to crawl. 

“Peter? Please smile! Smile, Peter! Smile! Please!”

Nothing ever hurt Jessica more than Peter’s inability to smile. After a few hours and night came, Jessica took down the feeder, no longer needing a stool like she did many years ago, went inside, and washed her hands. She stood in front of the sink and washed her hands for several hours. When she went to bed her hands and eyes were parched.

Several years later, on a rainy day in the middle of Spring, her parents were driving to somewhere, and she was sitting in the backseat. It was setting to be a remarkable vacation, except for the truck in front of them whose driver was sleepy that morning and didn’t bother putting on tire chains. It would have been amazing if only he had not dozed off on that rainy day and lost control of his 18-wheeler. Her parents didn’t brake in time, but it was alright. The truck driver died instantly so he didn’t feel any pain, and this time, unlike with Peter, she could reach out to her parents. They lay there, on the side of the road in the rain, holding the hand of their only daughter.

“Mommy, daddy,” said the girl, now almost an adult, “Smile?”

“J-Jessica,” choked her father. A line of blood could be seen on his head, past the mass of shattered glass.

“I-I love y –

He died smiling, though he couldn’t finish his sentence. He had not told her how he felt since she was a child, but supposed that now was the time.

Her mother came next.

“Mommy,” said the girl, “Please. Smile?”

Her mother opened her eyes and smiled, then closed her eyes like Peter had several years before.

She took the necklace from around her mother’s neck and slipped it into her rain-soaked pocket. She took the watch from around her father’s wrist and put it into her other pocket. The cops came and the rain stopped. She did not cry, because she could think of Peter now.

She finished high school under the care of her aunt, who was a loving lady. The aunt had taught her how to smile again, and when she came of age and they asked her what to do with the money, she said, “Half for a hospital, half for auntie.”

She packed her bags that night and left, turning down her letters for college, turning away from the life that had stripped Peter of his smile.

----------

Tiffany awoke one morning, just a little late. Jessica, her best friend of several years and roommate, was asleep on the couch in the living room, just visible from where she was. 

She sighed and leapt out of bed, heading towards her closet to look for clothes.

“Damn! Nothing to wear!” She walked to the doorway of her bedroom and yelled to Jessica, “Jessi! I have nothing to wear. I’m going through your closet, okay?”

Jessica grumbled something from the couch.

“I’m taking that as a yes!”

She had never seen Jessica’s closet before, though she guessed it was enormous. It was an odd thing for a girl with so many nice clothes and with such nice mannerisms to work in a low-paying journalism job. She interned and freelanced in and out over the years but never met anyone quite like Jessica. Quiet, but sometimes loud. Happy, but sometimes unexplainably depressed. Afraid to talk, but loved the sound of her own voice.

She was digging through Jessica’s walk-in closet. There were so many clothes and after several minutes, she opened up a drawer to find a box. It was a dusty old shoebox, and she wondered what could be inside. Jewelry? Perhaps.

She pried open the cover. It felt like it had not been opened in years. Dust flew as Tiffany removed it and looked inside. There was a birdfeeder, a watch, and a necklace. They all looked expensive, shiny, and like something Tiffany would never be able to have. She picked up the necklace. It was gorgeous and had something written on the inside of the pend –

“What are you doing?”

“J-Jessica!” cried Tiffany, spinning around.

“What are you doing?” repeated Jessica.

Tiffany stowed the necklace back into the box quickly and closed the cabinet.

“I was just looking through and I thought –

“I said yes to the closet. Not to prying into my life.”

“Jessi, I’m really –

“Get out.”

-----------

Tiffany walked home from work that day as night fell. She had come in late to work, so her boss made her stay late. She couldn’t catch a cab, missed the bus, and all her friends had left. She didn’t have the stomach to call Jessica, so she decided to walk home. 

It was several blocks down, past a row of alleys when she noticed someone following her. It was a man wearing a dark colored coat.

It was not the best day to wear heels.

She walked more quickly and knew that he was accelerating, too. She didn’t know where to turn. She was almost home, just a few blocks away. Maybe she could make it. 

She decided to run and soon she heard footsteps chasing. She felt something grab her and shove her into an alley. It was him.

“Help!” cried Tiffany, screaming.

The man pulled something out of his pocket: it was a knife. “Shut up!” he said.

“Help! Help!”

She felt something pierce her body and the blood begin to run, she wanted to scream but could not. He punched her, again and again. She could feel him using the knife to rip open her shirt and he did a messy job, hitting skin more than once. He tore off more than just the shirt, and soon reached for his own pants.

A crime against all body and soul and spirit.

When he was done, he emptied her purse and left her body there. Broken, bloody, bruised.

She was discovered early next morning, barely alive, and brought to a hospital.

Jessica sat by her bedside almost all day, holding her hand. The doctor had said that she would be lucky if she made it. 11 stab wounds and loss of blood. Lucky if she made it one more day, she had said.

Jessica listened closely to Tiffany’s heartbeat. The heartbeat of her best friend. Her best friend with kind eyes and a kind smile, who always seemed to be smiling.

For a moment, Tiffany opened her eyes and Jessica squeezed her hand.

“Tiff,” she said quietly, now a woman, “Smile? Please?”

“Jessi?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

Tiffany smiled before her eyes closed and a loud flatline could be heard from the heartbeat monitor. Jessica took the bracelet from around Tiffany’s wrist, the only thing the man had not taken from her, and put it into her pocket. As the nurses ran in, Jessica was walking out.

She stood outside the hospital and lit up a smoke. She was wearing dark eyeliner and had black streaks in her blonde hair. Her hands, black nailpolish and all, were inside her pocket, feeling the bracelet.

A security guard came.

“Hey! No smoking here! Are you crazy?”

“Yes,” she said, before she walked away.

She went home and stowed the bracelet away in her shoebox, left undisturbed for so long. She packed her bags so she could move away from all the memories of Tiffany, but brought the box along with her. 

The hospital called several hours later.

“Hello?” said Jessica.

“This is Peter Blackbird Regional Hospital. We understand that you –

Jessica hung up the phone. She picked up her bags and headed downstairs, leaving the landlord a note, an envelope filled with money for breaking her lease, and was soon in front of the apartment building.

She lit up a smoke as she waited for a cab. She blended in with the sky, where she wanted to be.

She closed her eyes as she sat in the cab and it drove away, letting herself cry for the first time in a long time, clutching a shoebox filled with memories.

She drove away from the life that had taken her smile.

P. S.

RIP

Pulp Fiction

Being lost meant nothing to her. It was only being alone that mattered. She thought it would be obvious, in the way she looked at her, that she could tell. But somehow, she seemed to be lost whenever she looked long enough.

"Hey," she said one day to Yuri, "I feel like going hiking. You know, for a walk in the mountains. Come with?"

She wanted to be on an adventure and not be alone. Being lost would be no fun if Yuri wasn't with her.

"Is it cold outside?" asked Yuri before they headed on their way, "Should I bring a blanket?"

Jessica looked at her, standing in the doorway, asking clueless questions. She could be so much like a child sometimes, and then at others, so...not like a child.

"Are you cold?" she asked with a smile.

"No, I suppose not." 

Yuri turned into the house to put the blankets away. Wandering would be fun, cold or warm. It depended on the wanderers.

-----

They walked along the ridge of the cliff. It had been two slow years together, too slow but too fast. Jessica walked slowly and Yuri walked too fast, but one sped up for the other and the other slowed down, so they were right on track. 

"You know," Yuri said, "I really like this weather."

"Not too cold?"

"Nope," she said, turning around with a smile, "It's perfect."

Somehow, when she looked at Jessica, Jessica could tell that she didn't mean the weather. It was alright with her if Yuri was clueless, so long as she knew how to make things right. Warm summer nights like these took away excuses for cuddling, but gave them reasons to miss it.

And Jessica missed those arms now. It was the denouement, she supposed, that every couple had to go through after the kisses got a little tiring and bodies got a little too familiar. She wanted to salvage that, salvage it in a maze where two people wandered aimlessly. Forever.

"First one to the top loses!" cried Yuri, taking off.

She spun around after a few steps, realizing that Jessica wasn't quite in the mood. Walking back to her, she said nothing. She knew how comfortable silence could be when shared at the right times. 

They walked in comfortable silence, holding the warmth of each other's hands. Jessica could place a finger on this missing now - she missed the touch and the rising, climatic, stormy, passionate, romantic days of their relationship. She never thrived on stability and needed conflict from now and then. Yuri provided that for her, being spontaneous and out-of-this-world almost all day. It was so perfect and left so much room for wandering and sentimentality.

They reached the top and Yuri took hold of Jessica's other hand. She knew now what to do. Exit the maze. Stop wandering.

She stared at Jessica and Jessica stared back.

"Nice view," said Yuri. Jessica looked down the peaks of the mountain. City lights and buzzing life. But that wasn't nearly as nice as anything in front of her now.

She turned. "Yeah, beautiful."

Moon shone overhead on two travelers, traveling and wandering and a-roving together.

They kissed, kissed, kissed.

It was the perfect night for getting lost in a dream, remembering the past and letting go so they could move on to the future.

It was the perfect time for two wanderers, meeting and passing, where one had come and the other had passed.

---------

xx

by the Flame

It was the prime of summer, long ago, on now forgotten hills. A small tribe was deep in the valley, surrounded by all that nature and mankind had to offer.

They were a peaceful, content people, who never bothered anyone with anything except their very presence – they were on the border of a growing kingdom, a kingdom willing to expand at all costs, willing to crush the stability that its neighbors cherished so deeply.

----------------------------

The tribe was celebrating the birth of a newborn, the chief’s son, who would one day succeed his father. They were joyous, though it was an unusually cold day in the middle the season – the sun was covered by overbearing clouds, and fog had settled in the valley and on the hills that encompassed it, so that the tribe could not even see the heavens clearly – so that they could not know what would descend upon them.

Less than a mile away from the heart of the tribe’s festivities, over the hills, was a camp belonging to a growing kingdom and in the largest tent was a prince who longed to be king.

“What are they doing?” said the would-be-king.

“They are celebrating, your majesty.” replied a gentle, but deep voice.

“Are the troops ready?” said the would-be king.

“Yes, sire, but -”

“Send them in.”

The gentle voice felt a shiver run down his spine, and his eyes became sad and murky. It was an unusually cold voice to feel in the middle of summer joy.

The tribe did not see the troops descending, were too overcome with happiness to hear a gentle, but deep, voice give a fatal order – did not see anything until it was too late. Men and women yelled and screamed in shock, children cried, and before long, there was nothing left but fog and ashes and corpses, save one newborn that could not distinguish between noises of horror and noises of cheer. All were gone except this newborn, this baby boy, who was spared by the man with the gentle voice and sad eyes.

Many months later, the prince who finally became king had a child of his own, on a spring day in April – an unusually rainy day in the midst of an unusually foggy week, so that the rain cleared away all the fog – though only for one day. 

-----------------------------------------

The boy Yuri knew he was an orphan, though he didn’t know why. He was taught by General Kwon with the happy eyes – taught kindness in the trade of war, but it was the only trade the General could teach, so when Yuri became a man, he enlisted and served under his General.

Yuri had kind eyes, but all he knew was the fight, so he became a kind, quiet, cold man. 

The coldness covered a longing to know warmth – it had been covered by fog since birth, secretly praying for rain to clear away all the uncertainty and doubt and loneliness. He spent two years fighting through fog and doubt and loneliness, becoming an officer before he suffered his first real injury – a slash wound on his right arm, his fighting arm – the arm that had fought away all he could not face.

----------------------------

The princess was an unruly girl. She was a free spirit trapped in the confinement of her castle walls; betrothed to some prince in a neighboring, powerful kingdom since birth. For the sake of her father’s peace of mind, she was rarely permitted outside the castle, so that the unsettling, strange fog that had covered the land nonstop for nearly two decades now would never be cleared by rain and sun.

It was in this castle that Yuri was stationed, ordered to protect the Princess Jessica until his arm healed, ordered to ensure that the rain and light would never meet the fog. 

But even the densest of all fog can not resist the natural course of rain, would not be able to prevent the sun from breaking through the clouds.

It was an unusually cold day in the middle of summer, even if the land was eternally shadowed. Yuri was patrolling the halls of the wing where the princess was said to be living, and where she was supposed to remain for most of her waking, unmarried life. He had never seen the princess, and only heard that her hair was the color of sunlight and brightness. He wondered what it looked like, the sun. 

There were some guards here; most of them immobile like statues, so that if anyone walked down the hall they would think it were cold and dead.

From a hall somewhere in this wing came a female voice, one belonging to a personal servant of the princess, frantic with concern and fear.

“The princess! She is not in her chambers!”

And the guards of the princess were sent out to search for the princess, but no one longed to find the girl with hair the color of sunlight and brightness more than Yuri, who could not understand why fog would want to see the light of day so badly.

Jessica was walking through the forest, where she hid away from time to time, to breathe the air and wonder why there was so much fog, and to pray for rain and sun. It usually rained, in the midst of the fog, when the princess was outside of the castle; and after the rain, the sun always tried to push through the clouds, but even the girl with hair the color of sunlight and brightness could not compel it to stay for long.

The fog was growing thicker, and the hours were passing more quickly. The guards began to grow frantic and split up to search for the princess, but the fog pulled them apart and they were all alone, all searching for sunlight on their own.

The princess was lost now, deep within the forest and fog, and looked up to the heavens, though she could not see them, and longed for rain so that the fog would finally be cleared. 

A certain man with a deeply buried longing for sunlight was approaching, feeling that the rain would come soon, and with it, the sun.

A few drops fell from the clouds as Princess Jessica heard a voice yelling her name. She whipped her head around, but could not tell where the voice was coming from in the freedom of the forest. 

The rain fell harder and harder, and the fog began to clear as Yuri saw a girl with hair the color of sunlight drenched in rain far ahead.

The fog was gone now.

A guard with kind eyes approached Jessica. 

“I’ve been searching for you, princess.”

---------------------------------------

The king was wide awake in the dead of night, yelling at anyone and everyone in sight. It was too dark for him to see that the fog had been vanquished; too dark for him to see that a guard with kind eyes was approaching the castle gates beside a girl with hair the color of sunlight and brightness.

The king grabbed a vase and threw it on the floor as his daughter entered the hall.

“Jessica! How dare you, you ungrateful child. Do you know what you have put me through?”

The king with an unusually cold voice had wanted the fog to stay.

The princess opened her mouth to speak, in rage and anger.

“Father –

“I’m sorry, sire. It was my fault. I was supposed to make sure the princess would not leave, but I fell asleep at my post and she escaped.” said Yuri.

The other guards had not returned yet. They could not recognize the land without fog.

“What about the other guards?” said the king, planning to punish as many as possible.

“There is always only one guard for the princess’s chamber, and that was I. Everyone else did their job.” said Yuri, with his kind eyes.

Jessica looked at the guard when he spoke. She had always been surrounded by cold statues and cold walls and had only heard cold voices. She did not yet know warmth, did not yet know that anyone could have such kind eyes.

She had never known anything besides coldness, until now.

----------------------------------

Yuri was beaten that night, as Jessica sent back to her chambers, worrying about the guard with kind eyes.

The king, when he was finished with Yuri, ordered him to return to guarding the princess’s chambers. This time around, Yuri was told, the princess would not escape, or his life would be on the line.

All who lived in the kingdom woke up to an unusual sight the next day – the sun.

Jessica peeked out of her window, and felt warmth for the second time in her life. She felt the warmth from the brightness, from every ray and drop of sun, felt warmth from outside her door.

She walked towards the door, wanting to speak to the guard with kind eyes. She knelt down and put her ear and hands on the door, so she could hear and feel warmth like never before.

“Guard.”

And from the other side of a door, a pair of kind eyes shot open.

“Yes, Princess?”

The princess recognized the voice.

“What is your name?”

“Yuri, your highness.”

“Yuri. I command you to get me out of here.”

“I’m afraid I can not do that, your highness.”

“Call me Jessica.”

“I’m afraid I can not do that either, your highness.”

Jessica was disappointed and withdrew her hands and ear from the door.

“You’re boring,” she said, as she walked away, returning to her bed to sleep.

And from the other side of the door, Yuri regretted that he let sunlight float away.

-----------------------------------

When the sun had set that day, and all the guards in Jessica’s wing had fallen asleep – except for Yuri, who feared for his life – Jessica awoke and once again walked to her door.

“Yuri.”

“Yes, princess.”

“Unlock this door.”

“I’m afraid –

“Unlock the door or I will escape through my window again.”

Yuri swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I thought your window was blocked off now.”

“Not yet.”

“What will you do, princess, if I unlock the door?”

“I am going to go for a walk.”

“I am going to unlock the door, but you must let me walk with you, so I make sure that you do not run away.”

Yuri heard the princess groan from inside the room.

“Fine.”

------------------------------------

They were walking now, in the courtyards of the castle. Yuri walked behind Jessica, but Jessica moved to level with Yuri, so they could walk together.

“Where are you from, Yuri?”

“Nowhere, your highness,”

“Where is your family, Yuri?”

“They are dead.”

“Why are you so quiet, Yuri?”

No response.

Jessica sighed and looked at Yuri more closely now, as Yuri saw her turn her head his way, but continued to look forward.

“You have nice eyes, Yuri.”

And Yuri could not help but to smile.

-------------------------------

Every night thereafter, Jessica and Yuri would walk together, and when the other guards did not fall asleep, Jessica would put her hands and ear on the door and talk with Yuri through the night, until she fell asleep laying next to the doorway of her warmth.

She did not know that from the other side of the door, Yuri put his hands on the door to better feel the warmth and sunlight he had grown addicted to.

Months went by. Yuri’s arm was almost done healing now, and he wondered who would walk with Jessica when he was gone.

-----------------------

It was another night, and the two were walking together. As usual, Yuri was quiet when Jessica asked questions and spoke of all the things on her mind.

“Why are you so quiet all the time, Yuri?” Jessica asked.

“I am thinking, princess.”

“What are you thinking about all the time, Yuri?”

Yuri stopped walking, and turned his head to look at Jessica.

“The sun.” and continued walking.

When Jessica saw those kind eyes, she smiled.

“What do you want most, Yuri?”

“I wish that we could walk during the daytime.”

“Why?”

Yuri stopped again, look at Jessica again.

“Because I need the sun.”

That night, though they did not speak again, Jessica fell asleep leaning against the door, and from the other side, so did a guard with kind eyes.

----------------------

The next day, Yuri realized that his arm was done healing, and he would not be staying in the castle much longer; his platoon was already at the castle, reporting to the king. 

Jessica was allowed outside that day, on her birthday, and was accompanied by Yuri. 

Never before had the sun shone brighter.

When the sun set and all the guards had fallen asleep, Jessica walked to the door.

“Yuri.”

“Yes, princess?”

“Are the guards asleep?”

“Yes, your highness. But I do not think we can walk tonight.”

“Why not?”

“My platoon is in the castle. They are on watch, and we will be leaving tomorrow.”

“What? We?”

“I am leaving tomorrow, your highness. My job here is done. My arm is healed.”

“How long will you be leaving for?”

“I do not know, Jessica.”

Jessica did not know how to respond. She had grown to love warmth, did not remember how it felt to be cold.

“Open the door, Yuri.”

--------------------

Yuri hesitated before opening the door. He swung it open slowly, and saw Jessica standing on the other side. The moon was shining behind her, and she was glowing. The fabric of her flesh was white – the color of a pure, pure wedding dress. Yuri held his breath; he was transfixed and immobile, could not move. He wondered what it felt like – the pure, pure fabric.

Jessica looked at him in the eyes, wondering if he could read her thoughts. His eyes locked onto hers, and she floated towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck and staring him in the eyes. His eyes lingered on her body, undressing her with his eyes as he leaned down and kissed her, kicking the door shut with his foot and picking her up in his arms as she wrapped her legs around his waist – they were moving towards the bed. He looked into her eyes once again before he let his body say all that he could not during the day.

The moon was shining brightly, as Yuri finally collapsed, breathless, next to Jessica, who was breathing heavily. She looked at him, at the moonlight reflecting in his eyes; covering the smooth skin all over his body, covering all the scars and marks he had gained in battle. 

Yuri stared at Jessica as her hands traced his scars with her fingers, lingering softly over each and every single one, wanting to feel him more and more. 

Her touch was burning him alive, and desire consumed him again; giving birth to something else altogether.

It was a strange winter, with hot, short days and long, long nights.

--------------------

Never before had Jessica slept so peacefully, so that when she awoke, it was noon and the sun was shining brightly in the sky. She awoke to an empty bed, so that she felt cold and knew that there was no more warmth just beyond the door. 

But when she saw the sun shining in the sky, she could not help but smile.

A few leagues away, Yuri looked to the skies and smiled.

---------------------

Later that day, after the sun had gone and the coldness of the night dawned upon the world, the princess was called to dinner by her father.

Jessica was sitting down across a small table from the king.

“Jessica.”

“Yes, father.”

“A neighboring kingdom will be coming to the castle in a fortnight.”

“And how does this concern me, father?”

“Do not make this difficult for me, Jessica. You have known since you have been able to talk that this was inevitable,” said the king, pausing only observe his daughter’s face more keenly.

He saw nothing.

The king continued, “Their prince will be coming. I have heard that he is a good man –

The king stopped talking, for he noticed that Jessica had turned to glance out the window now, at the moon. 

Jessica gazed longingly at the cold orb, wondering where her sun was when she needed it. She closed her eyes and mind to all thoughts of yearning, and turned to look at her father.

“So you want me to marry him.” said Jessica. 

Her voice was cold. Her face was cold. Her eyes were cold.

“Yes, and there is nothing you can do that will stop this.” said the king.

Too far away, the wind extinguished the last flicker of a platoon’s campfire, and a soldier with kind eyes shivered.

-------------------------

Jessica was sitting alone in her room. She had not spoken much in days, not that she ever spoke much; but now there was no more hint of a smile tracing her lips, no more cause of affection. Her world stopped all motion.

She sat at a table next to her window, whispering quietly to someone in the distance. She wondered if Yuri could hear her. 

I love you I love you I love you and that’s all I have to say.

She was called to dinner with her father, and when she walked, she stared out the windows when she could, watching the sun set.

I’m going to miss all the light.

When the princess sat down, she again looked out the window and not at the man she blamed for everything wrong in her life. There were flocks of birds flying across the sunset, sifting from flock to flock, random and decided and altogether at once.

“Why are you looking at the birds, Jessica?” asked her father.

“I envy the birds,” she responded.

“Why? You have everything you could possibly want.”

“But not what I need, father.”

“And exactly what is it from these birds that you need, child?”

“I need to fly.”

The dinner was a quiet affair. As Jessica was just leaving,

“I just want you to speak to me, Jessica. Please say something.” said the king.

“I have nothing to say to you.”

And the king never felt colder in his life.

Jessica did not return to her chambers, but instead went to the castle scripture room, where she sat down and read by the candlelight till it was deep into the night, to stop her thinking about how the sun had already set. But she could not. Every time the candle flickered she was reminded that her sun was long gone and there would be no more warmth flooding in. 

She stared at the candlelight until her eyes drooped and she fell asleep on the table, whispering quietly to someone far away.

Soon later, a gust of wind blew out the small flame.

It did not matter. It is only the course of nature that air is both the cause and remedy to fire.

-----------------------------

The neighboring kingdom and its crown prince came. Jessica had hoped they wouldn’t.

The day of the wedding came, and after the outfits had been fitted and halls decorated and priests ready, tuneless music from somewhere played; and alone sat a princess who could not hear the music, staring pleadingly at the clouds that covered her sun.

The servants had already been dismissed. Jessica was looking out into the openness of the heavens, saw that the sun was just behind the clouds, and closed her eyes, in earnest.

Please, just let me see the sun one last time. Can I please see you just one more time?

The procession had started and the princess was still closing her eyes as the sun broke out from behind the clouds. Jessica opened her eyes and she saw what she longed and so desperately needed to see, needed to know was still there.

I’ve missed you so much. Can you show me that you need me, too?

She did not know that the warmth could burn so much, and she finally let out all the longing she had left unspoken and buried, in hopes that she could move on. Her eyes closed again.

Please, I hope this will not be the last time, please let it not be the last time. 

I need to feel this warm again. I don’t want to be cold, please don’t let me be cold.

She did not know just how much she needed the sun as the beach does not know the value of sand.

And the princess cried.

The tears fell silently at first, when her eyes were still closed and she did not know if she could bear to look at the sun. But there were too many for her to close her heart forever, and so she opened her eyes. She saw the sun and thought of her love, thought of the nighttime walks, and the silent weeping turned into choked sobs. She gripped the sides of the table and collapsed onto its surface, not knowing what to do, not being able to breathe – choking on salty water and being blinded by longing. 

For these moments, she could only feel the rays of the sun consuming her. She had forgotten what it felt to be one with the sun.

I only want the sun. I don’t want to be in the dark anymore, save me from the dark.

The more she wept, the more the clouds moved back in to threaten the sunlight, and seeing this, the princess only wept harder; but she knew that she had to leave now, had to release all emotion so she could marry. Her eyes stopped running, but now the clouds turned grey and dark and rain began to fall, softly at first, but harder and harder as Jessica tried harder and harder not to think about the sun, just out of sight, behind the clouds.

As she walked out onto the majestically decorated courtyard she thought of the day she saw the sun with Yuri. She could not help but to cry again, looking up at the sky and praying again for the sun. She closed her eyes as she walked towards the altar, praying again, in earnest.

Please, just one more time, that’s all I want, just to see you one more time.

But the rain kept falling, and the clouds only turned darker as the sun was pushed farther and farther away from Jessica.

And the sound of the rain drowned out the silent whisper to someone far away.

I love you I love you I love you…

---------------------

The prince turned out to be a good man, after all. The marriage was never consummated, at Jessica’s request, so she could sit at her window everyday blankly and stare at the clouds that had been raining on the empire since her marriage.

Yuri was now so far away from the kingdom that his sky was different from Jessica, but he didn’t know that. He looked at the sun until his eyes burned, thinking that they shared, at least, the same sun. But even that was gone now.

The marriage brought an ally to Jessica’s kingdom, so that there would be more troops than ever to crush all resistance, and it took an envoy on horseback two months to relay the message to the troops. 

Yuri was sitting down, staring into the campfire and sharpening his knife when he heard the envoy come. He did not raise his head so as to focus on the flickering flames. He heard the envoy tell his general that reinforcements would be coming soon, heard the envoy say that a favorable marriage on behalf of the princess to a powerful soon-to-be-king allowed for this to happen. 

Yuri dropped the knife. 

He heard nothing but the empty thud of knife on ground and the laugh of a princess in his ears, in the cackling of the flames.

His throat became dry and fists clenched. He stood up, felt his legs begin to collapse as he lost his breath and rushed to find water.

Yuri stumbled to his tent and grabbed his canteen. He choked on the water but felt his heart stabilize, as he knelt on the floor regained his breath. The shock and sadness turned into anger as he thought of the princess smiling at him, telling him she loved him…in a wedding dress with an unknown man…

One day passed, and the rage and hurt and sense of betrayal grew heavier still. Yuri was restless, as he was sitting on horseback waiting to engage in battle. Until now, he killed because he thought it for a higher cause. Now he wanted to see blood.

The battle began. Yuri was slashing madly, and even his own comrades grew afraid of him. He was always a civil man, but now there was only dirt and blood on face as his horse fell from the combination of exhaustion and an enemy sword. Yuri jumped to his feet and continued to fight. He cut and chopped until there were no enemies near him anymore. He saw a high ranking, enemy soldier on a horse ride towards him from afar, and Yuri wondered if that was what a prince looked like.

Yuri gritted his teeth as the officer rode closer and raised his sword to slash at him, and Yuri grabbed his knife and threw it at the horse, slicing a chunk of flesh open raw, tumbling the horse and officer to the earth. 

Yuri approached the officer and looked at the man with hatred in his eyes. He stepped on one of the man’s arms as he winced in pain, digging his heel onto the man’s wrist as he stepped over him with his other foot. Yuri hovered over the man now, with his feet on either side of the man’s hips, taking his sword and preparing to stab him in the heart while looking him in the eyes. He wondered if he would be able to see Jessica’s reflection wearing a wedding dress staring back at him; he wondered if she would be smiling, and the anger took him over as his sword began to descend. He did not see the officer’s dagger, hidden in the sleeve of his other arm.

At that exact moment, the officer moved up to quicken his death and stab Yuri in the gut. The officer’s eyes went blank as the sword pierced his heart and Yuri regained his focus, screaming in pain, falling down and yanking out the dagger in his madness. The blood poured out and his vision became dizzy and blurred and he fell to the floor. The blood was pouring even quicker now, as the enemy troops began retreating and the battle won. Yuri fell onto his back, looking at the sun as he watched it become blurrier and blurrier yet – choking on his blood and seeing the world go black.

-------------------------------

Yuri awoke in the outdoors on a cot, with his general looking over him.

“It’s been an entire day, Yuri. You are in no condition to fight.”

Yuri moved to get up and was about to respond, but he opened his eyes wide and the sun blinded him for a second, reminding him once again of the princess. He groaned in frustration as he felt his stomach lurch in pain and he collapsed back onto the cot.

“Don’t worry, Yuri, our new allies will be coming soon and we will be alright. You have done enough.”

“Where will I go now?” asked Yuri, as part of him already knew the answer, a part hoped it wasn’t true, and a part wanted it more than anything – wanted to return to the castle because a small flicker of hope still remained in Yuri, that it was somehow all a hoax. Yuri held onto this false hope, beyond all possibility but still what he wanted most.

“These men will take you back to the castle,” said the general as he motioned to a small group of men standing nearby, next to a wagon.

There was no carriage, so Yuri was simply lifted onto the wagon with the soldiers, who would see to it that Yuri made it to the castle safely. 

The wound was never properly addressed, so it would burst open from time to time when Yuri tried to get up too quickly or move at all. Problematic, the wound proved to be, for every time the sun was out Yuri grew angry all over again, and wanted to let out his frustration; but then the wound would prevent him from this, bursting open and reminding him even more of the reason he received the wound in the first place – a smiling princess in a wedding dress.

The journey took three months, and Yuri’s wound, never properly treated, had only grown worse and even became infected.

One day, Yuri awoke to the sun shining brightly and felt the wagon moving slowly; saw the gates of the castle, not wanting to believe it and not knowing what to do, so he closed his eyes and forced himself to dream.

---------------------------------------

For the past few months Jessica still did not speak or sleep next to her husband, still stared out her window all day long still fell asleep looking at the moon trying to break through the clouds – she still lingered by candlelight and torchlight and flame, still longed for warmth.

But in the last week, Jessica saw the sun slowly push back through the clouds, approaching her slowly. She felt a stirring begin to stir something in her depths…

One day, she awoke to a burnt out candle and melted wax on the table. That day, she was not cold. That day, she awoke to the sun shining on her face and her hair was golden once again. That day, she knew warmth – knew that she never wanted to lose it again.

-----------------------------------------

Yuri lay in the infirmary for the next four months, healing from his infection. He had not seen nor heard of the princess. He did not ask and did not want to know – was too scared of knowing the truth to ask. Most of his time was spent dreaming of his deepest buried desire; till he yearned and lusted for the princess so much it caused him physical pain when he was awake, set his wounds running again – so he dreamed and dreamed until he had almost completely healed and could move again. He only walked around the infirmary wing, because the nurses never let him out of their sight. He did not walk far, only to a window where he could sit and stare at the sun until his eyes burned and tears began to fall from the pain.

One day, after the sun had gone down and he was about to retire, he saw several nurses running frantically through the infirmary, carrying blankets and water and cloth.

“What is going on?” Yuri asked in curiosity.

One of the nurses stopped and looked at him.

“The princess is giving birth, soldier,” said the nurse, and continued walking as Yuri stopped.

He collapsed onto his bed and closed his eyes and pictured golden hair until his eyes burned and tears began to fall from the pain.

------------------------------

Jessica knew, and the prince knew, that the baby was not his. He had never even so much as touched her arm, so when she felt a kick and knew that she was pregnant, she begged her husband not to tell.

He obliged, since he was a kind, kind man and knew that she would never be his.

When she saw the sun come back, she wanted to know if Yuri had returned, but could not ask for risk of arousing suspicion; could not go down to the infirmary for she was afraid of facing Yuri; could not move much because her pregnancy was going into its final stages now – she couldn’t do anything but stare at the sun and hope it was not just summer that had arrived.

The day her water broke was the day she finally had the courage to ask a trusted maid if there was anyone in the infirmary, and received her answer.

“Yes, your highness, I have been there lately and it is the guard with the nice eyes that guarded your chambers about one year ago.”

Jessica grimaced and closed her eyes.

“Your highness? Are you alright?”

The princess crumpled under the pain as her world set into motion once again.

--------------------------------------

It is hard to tell who was in more pain the next several hours. Jessica suffered through labor and finally gave birth to a baby boy, knowing that the baby’s true father was somewhere in the castle.

Yuri could not stop picturing the golden hair and the sun, so he could not stop crying and was never in more misery than he was now. His wound reopened again, letting free all that he had been keeping in for the past several months. He would not stop bleeding, because he could not stop thinking, and so he bled until he turned pale and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.

The princess, likewise, had a complication from her birth – she was still weak at the time of her birth, had been kept away from the sun for too long that giving birth to more life only drained her.

The nurses found that they could not treat her in the same room as her husband, since there wasn’t quite enough room and the doorway too narrow for the care of many nurses if there was to be an emergency. Like Yuri, she couldn’t stop bleeding, and after a few days, it was decided.

She would be taken care of in the infirmary.

----------------------------------------

Yuri woke up one morning, after the sun had risen; to see that a part of the infirmary was now blocked off with a curtain, being held by makeshift posts. It looked like a royal tapestry, and his stomach lurched. Perhaps he already knew, before he asked, who was lying behind the curtain.

“Nurse, may I ask why that section of the infirmary is sealed?”

“It is the princess, she had a complication from her delivery and she had to be moved into the infirmary.”

Yuri felt his heart stop, and his breathing slowed from a mixture of hatred and concern.

“Where is the child, and is the princess alright?” he asked.

“Yes, she’s making a speedy recovery. I think she’ll be out of here soon, when she finally stops bleeding. The child is with a caretaker half the time, and with her half the time.”

And he thanked the nurse, though a part of him secretly wished that the complication had been more severe, so that the princess would be near him longer, and a part of him wished the child had died. 

He looked at the curtain, and could not help but to imagine the blonde hair, until his eyes burned once more.

He did not know, that from inside the curtain, the princess had already awoken, had not been sleeping since she arrived; had been staring through the curtain for days – longing for the look of a soldier with kind eyes. She wanted to feel this warmth again, had not felt this warm in a long time; the blood was rushing to her face and her heart had been pounding nonstop for a few days, so that she was healing but the blood would not stop bleeding, letting out all that she was holding in.

----------------------------

Yuri did not know what made him do it, but that day, he left the infirmary to walk about the castle – and the nurses let him go because they though he would disturb the princess. He could not stay any longer and wallow in his pain; he did not want to hurt forever.

Later that same day, Jessica called for a nurse.

“Nurse!”

And two girls came running towards the princess, waiting just outside the curtains.

“Yes, your highness?”

“Remove these curtains, or get someone, a guard, to do it for you.”

“But, your highness, these are for your privacy. Why do you need them gone? There is a soldier in the infirmary.”

“Because I want to see the sunlight.”

And so several guards were called to remove the curtains, and Jessica closed her eyes, because she wanted to imagine Yuri’s face before she saw it once again. She wondered if he had changed much. She knew his voice had not.

“Your highness, the curtains are gone, as you wished. Rest well.” said one of the guards, as he bowed and left along with the other guards.

Jessica took a deep breath and opened her eyes, looking around. The sun was still out, but Yuri was not there. She saw an unmade bed and felt her breath quicken. He had been here, now she had to wait until he returned. She sat up in her bed, and was never more determined to stay awake.

Several hours had passed, and the princess, who had always been a heavy sleeper, fell asleep after the sun had set, under the exhaustion that childbirth was still causing her.

The sun had set, so Yuri had nowhere to look now; and he walked back to the infirmary, stopping dead in his tracks.

The princess was sleeping, while sitting up in her bed. There were no curtains. He remembered her face, her hair, her skin. He remembered everything, every detail, and when he saw her again all his memories of her were once again as fresh as day.

He walked to his bed, and looked upon her until he fell asleep.

It was like nearly one year ago, when an innocent guard with kind eyes and innocent princess with golden hair fell asleep near each other, hands pressed to the same door but heads resting on opposite sides – only this time, there was no door, no curtain. 

Never were they closer.

And Yuri could not help but to love her all over again.

------------------------------

Yuri awoke first the next morning, with his head still turned to the side, facing the princess. There was a kink in his neck, and he groaned loudly in pain as he tried to get up.

“AUGHHHHHHHHHH!”

And the princess awoke, annoyed.

“YAH! WHO –

She stopped, as she saw Yuri, and he looked up and saw her.

This was not how they expected to meet again.

“I’m sorry, your highness.” and he looked anywhere but at her.

Oh, how she had missed that voice; that face; that pair of eyes.

“You are forgiven,” said Jessica, as she stared directly at him. She could not help herself.

He felt her eyes boring into his skull, and after several minutes of ignoring her, he looked up. He could do nothing but remain transfixed to her face; she was calling him to her, gravitating towards him. She did not look away. They sat there for what seemed like an eternity, communicating with only their eyes.

Jessica closed her eyes as Yuri’s eyes moved from her eyes to her neck; her arms; her body; her legs. He was remembering every detail of their night together long ago, burning with lust and undressing her with his eyes.

And the princess knew exactly what he was doing. He was doing exactly what she wanted him to. Yuri’s eyes moved back to hers, and as they were about to speak what they were holding in for months.

“Jess –

“Your highness!” a voice called from down the hall, and footsteps approached.

They broke eye contact and Yuri sat up and stared at the doorway, just like Jessica, who was now watching the maid enter; both still burning.

She was carrying a baby.

Yuri felt his heart drop and he was being dragged back to reality, but it was too late.

The sun would always be the center of the universe.

It was an exceptionally hot day, even for the middle of summer.

-------------------------------

Yuri watched as Jessica played with the child, and found that he had to leave after a few hours. He walked out, looking at the floor and feeling Jessica’s eyes boring into his skull. He sat down at the end of the hall leading into the infirmary, because he wanted to return to Jessica as soon as the baby was gone.

He did not know if he loved Jessica more than he hated the child, and Jessica did not know if she loved the Yuri or the child more. She wanted to tell Yuri, to scream to him that it was their child. 

After all, the baby had kind eyes.

--------------------------------

Long after the sun had gone, Yuri saw the maids leave with the baby. It was sleeping; its eyes were closed, so when Yuri looked, he could not see its kind eyes. He did not linger; he still had unconsummated business.

He walked back into the infirmary and sat down on the bed next to Jessica, looking into her eyes, as she looked right back at him. All the nurses had been dismissed and Jessica ordered that the guards leave. The room was empty now...

She was wearing a nightgown, but one of the laces had fallen from her shoulder, exposing her flesh.

“It’s been a long few months, princess,” said Yuri, staring first into her eyes; then her shoulder; her arms; her body; her legs; and back up to her eyes again, undressing her with his eyes; burning.

“Call me Jessica,” said the princess, breathless, as Yuri moved to do exactly what she wanted him to, had wanted for months – while looking straight into her eyes, undressing with a lot more than just his eyes.

It was a night of many, many months; it was the night that had been long coming and would be slow to go.

It was a burning hot day with an exceptionally long night, even for the midst of summer.

----------------------------------

Yuri awoke in his bed, across from the princess, smiling. He sat up and looked at her, smiling even more widely than he had before.

“Jessica!” he called.

“….nhnnnnnnn…….”

“JESSICA!”

She woke up. 

“YAHH! What do you – 

She stopped, looked at him, and calmed down; happy that he wasn’t gone this time around.

“Yes, guard?” said the princess. She was never a morning person.

They heard footsteps coming down the hall.

“Good morning princess, how was your night?” smiled Yuri.

Jessica was still smiling as the maids walked into the room, carrying the baby. That stopped Yuri’s smiling, and his face hardened and grew dark; he laid back down in the bed and pretended to be sleeping so he wouldn’t have to look at the child and because he did not want to leave her.

Jessica looked at Yuri, then back to the maids, desperate, and said, “Can it just be the baby and I today, alone? And make sure the guards stay outside the door?”

The maids nodded, and looked at Yuri.

“He can stay,” said Jessica, “let the man sleep.”

And so the maids left, leaving the three alone.

Yuri stood up to leave as Jessica was speaking to him.

“Yuri! Please stay.”

“Why, princess?” his emphasis on the final, mocking word, “so I can look at you and your son? So I can remember that you are already married?”

“No, Yuri, please listen. I need to –

The baby was sleeping against Jessica’s chest, so that Yuri could not see its eyes.

“You don’t need to do anything, you harlot! You’ve already done enough to me, don’t you think?” Yuri was yelling now. 

“Who do you think you are speaking to, servant?” Jessica cried, with tears rolling down her face as the baby began to cry.

The guards had heard the yelling, and rushed in. Yuri was forced to kneel down before he was taken away, and he looked Jessica in the eyes. 

The princess was crying, and he was still a servant – would be one until the day he died.

--------------------------

Yuri was taken to the courtyard and whipped, as Jessica watched from her chamber window. She was alone, crying more than on her wedding day.

Yuri winced every time the whip sliced at his body, and the blood was pooling on the ground now. But Yuri could not be harmed. His mind was not in the courtyard. He was lost in his thoughts, searching for Hope, because he had finally realized that the earth can only revolve around the sun; that the two could never be closer than gravity allowed them to be – the closer they came, the more the galaxy would threaten to pull them apart.

It is only the course of nature.

-----------------------------

Yuri was thrown, bloody and broken, into a cell. He still had not cried out in pain. He sat in a corner, quietly, to sit and linger in his thoughts, and longed for the sun as a bird reaches for the clouds; only passing through and never staying. He wondered what he had been thinking all this time. He wondered if there had even been any hope at all.

“…servant…”

The word echoed again and again in the confinement of his mind as he slowly drifted to sleep, staring at the torch on the wall.

----------------------

Jessica had fallen asleep crying and woke crying. The sun was still shining, but it was a cold, windy day that threatened to blow away all candle and torch light. Her husband knew, from the moment he saw Jessica, she was already in love with another – that he could never have her, even if he would eventually be beside her every night. Now, he knew who it was she loved.

She made her way to find her baby, and once she did, she set off, ignoring all those who asked her where she was going. 

She was heading to Yuri’s cell, so that the child would know its father; so she could finally say all that she wanted to.

----------------------------------

Jessica walked into the prison, holding the baby. She knew that Yuri was the only prisoner within, and she asked a guard where he was.

She made her way to his cell, holding the baby. She told the guard not to follow her.

The baby still buried its face into its mother’s chest.

Yuri had heard the princess’s voice. He heard the footsteps coming, and did not want to look at the sun anymore. He did not want to desire what he could never have, though he knew that the most evanescent pleasures lasted the longest; but now, he had wondered if he had been holding on too long to something that would not stay.

Jessica stopped in front of his cell.

“Yuri.”

No response.

“Yuri!”

Still no response.

“Yuri, look at me.”

“Is that a command, your highness?” asked Yuri from the darkness of the cell, his voice dead and cold.

Jessica could feel the tears coming, did not know that anyone could hurt her this easily.

“Why are you doing this, Yuri? After all this time, after everything, together?”

“Because, your highness, it is what you are. It is what you always were, from the day you were born.”

“I don’t understand what you mean by that!”

Yuri sighed and took a deep breath. He looked up at her.

“Your highness. That is what you are. What am I? I am a guard, an orphan. We –

“That means nothing, Yuri. It is nothing, it never has been, and it never will be.”

“But is always was something, Jessica! And it still is. Look at me, princess. What do you see? You see prison bars. I am sitting in a prison cell, behind bars, and you are on the outside. You have always been on the outside to me. You will always be just out of my reach,” said Yuri.

“But we always have the night, Yuri. You can stay in the castle forever, with me, Yuri.”

“That isn’t enough for me.”

“I’m not enough for you?” The princess was beginning to cry now.

“You are not.” said Yuri, as the princess cried freely now.

Yuri continued –

“I am a greedy, selfish person, Jessica. You make me this way. It is what you do to me, what you have been doing to me for too long now. You never leave my mind; you never cease to make me greedy. You already know what I am going to say. I love you. I can never say it enough, just like I can never have enough of you. I suppose, that is why you are not enough for me, because there is no end to me wanting you. It can not be a fleeting love, Jessica. It has to be forever or it is not enough for me – it will never be enough for me.”

The princess’s tears fell onto the baby’s head, and he awoke, not knowing anything, and then looked around in curiosity; first at his weeping mother, then at the man in the cell.

Yuri saw the baby’s head turn. He saw the kind eyes and did not know if it could be true.

The baby smiled, but began to cry when Yuri did not return the smile. He was in shock.

It was the wail of the evanescent and fleeting trying to remain; of the bird staying in the cloud for too long; of the earth being burned by the sun – beyond all force of nature, beyond all rationale, beyond everything.

---------------------------------

The baby would not stop crying, and neither would Jessica, so she had to return to her chambers. Yuri had not yet said goodbye when Jessica left.

Jessica quickly walked out of the prison, ignoring the guards as they rose to ask her if she needed anything.

I need more.

The baby quieted down now, and Jessica left to go find her husband.

He was sitting in the library, reading. He was good of heart, and Jessica might have seen this, were only she not already blinded by the sun.

“Artyum,” said Jessica as she sat down, “I need to speak with you about something.”

“Yes, my princess?”

“Who are you calling yours? I am not your princess, nor will I ever be. Please get that into your head.”

He was taken slightly aback, but retained his composure.

“I’m sorry, Jessica. What do you need?”

“Are you lonely?” asked the princess.

“Excuse me?”

“I asked if you were lonely. Are your ears alright?”

He was about to speak when Jessica interrupted him.

“I know you are. You don’t even have to say anything. Can you help me, if I promise to end your loneliness?”

And the prince listened.

------------------------------

Yuri was still sitting in his cell, thinking, as he always was, but no longer searching his thoughts. He had found hope; he saw it in the baby with kind eyes. 

A few days had passed since Jessica had visited his cell, and every time he fell asleep looking at the flame he hoped for something that could stay to visit him in the morning.

That night, he heard footsteps approaching, and his head shot up. It was the princess, wearing a black riding coat, but without the child this time. There was only moonlight now, as Jessica pulled out a key and unlocked his cell. 

The glow of the moon reminded him of a night long ago…

Jessica sat down in front of him, so they could be level with one another.

“Hello, Yuri.”

“Hello, Jessica.”

No response.

“What is it?” asked Yuri.

There was still no response as Jessica merely looked at him.

“Tell me, do you love being a soldier, Yuri? Do you love fighting?” asked Jessica.

“It is all that I know.”

“Would you sacrifice it for anything, for the rest of your life?”

“Tell me, do you love being a princess, Jessica? Do you like the title?”

“It is all that I know.” responded Jessica.

“Then you have my answer, princess.”

“What do you love, Yuri, if fighting is naught but all you know?” asked Jessica.

When she spoke, his eyes lingered once again over her body. He finally reached her eyes again.

“I love the sun. You know this already.” responded Yuri.

“Is that what you want me to be?” asked Jessica.

“No. You can not be the sun anymore.”

“Why not?” asked Jessica.

“The sun leaves me during half the day. It leaves me everyday, and it can be covered by clouds. I do not want that.”

“Then what?” asked Jessica.

“I wish you could be like the air, so you are always here with me; so I can breathe you in and breathe you out during the day, during the night – so I know you will never leave me. Can you do that?”

“I already have.” responded Jessica.

Yuri could not wait any longer. He threw himself at Jessica and kissed her, once again, in the light of the moon which covered her skin like honey.

Jessica fell back again the bars of the cage as he began to reach for her cloak, but she pushed him away.

“Not now, Yuri.”

“Why not –

And from outside, a cry could be heard, yelling about a fire.

Jessica stood up quickly and unlocked the cell door, then took Yuri by the hand and led him deeper into the prison, before anyone could know that she had run away. There was a passage leading into a tunnel, where some of the prince’s men had been digging for days now.

There was a horse waiting on the other side.

“Where is the child, Jessica?”

“The prince is going to sneak him out later. The baby and I are currently dying in the fire.”

“That was clever of you,” said Yuri, as Jessica got onto the horse.

He climbed on behind her and took hold of the reins, wrapping his arms around her and leaning forward to whisper into her ear.

“We’re still not finished,” he said with a smirk. 

The light of the moon lit their path as they rode off in the air of the long, long night.

Sometimes, events are above all reason, above the course of nature, above all rationale. Sometimes the fleeting and evanescent does remain forever.

And it was a clear, clear night in the midst of the winter chill.