Abuse is a topic
I find hard to discuss.
Especially as this time,
It's me that I've sussed.

Not quite sussed completely,
But there's one more part I know.
I abuse myself mentally
And that's something I'll never show.

I'll tell you, of course,
You're my mother after all.
But no one else but Father knows,
With what I've built my walls.

Yes, that's right, I told him.
I hope that you are proud.
We talked and I trust him again,
And I have said that loud.

To only him of course,
But his smile made my time.
I can't believe I never let him
Hold me as I cried.

I have him now so thank you,
You may not have spoken words,
But without talking to you here,
Our situation would only be worse.

So he knows where my mind is.
He knows what I believe.
That the world no longer needs me,
I have no reason to live.

Of course he corrected me,
But part of my brain still thinks,
You are up there waiting,
And my life down here stinks.

I'm not a good older brother,
I'm not there for my siblings.
It's taken this long to talk to Father,
All other issues are only lingering.

I watch the people in the kitchen,
As they pick up the sharp knives.
They never harm themselves of course
But I trace the blade with my eyes.

I look away quite quickly,
'How has it come to this?'
I never thought I'd be this way,
My childhood was bliss.

I hear people talk of the bathroom,
In the way only troubled people do.
I wonder if they're correct,
And then I'd be back with you.

But of course they're not, don't fear,
I'm not on my way yet.
But in case you see me soon,
I'm here to say don't fret.

It sounds horrific I know,
And to hear this from your son.
But no one here needs me
Except Father, he's the only one.

I know I have to stay strong,
Even if it's only for him.
But Mother please know that's hard,
My sanity's wearing thin.

I abuse myself mentally,
I thought that you should know.
Please don't worry too much,
This smile's not just for show.

And yes, I am smiling,
Because I have my dad back.
It's the best feeling I've had in a while
And that is certain fact.

But that doesn't change
Much of how I feel.
I have to be strong to stay here,
And Mother, I don't have a strong will.