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The whole day just tired me out. Sobrang nakakapagod umiyak. I realized, your choices, no matter how you think na it's for the best, at the end of the day, masasaktan ka pa rin.

Kasi pakiramdam mo nagkamali ka. Kasi pakiramdam mo dapat 'yung isa na lang 'yung pinili mo.

I keep on thinking, who gave me the rights to cry over someone I rejected, and then hurt somebody else? I chose this, but screw that, why are we hurting?

Why are we all hurting?

Kung pinili ko bang mag-stay na lang at i-endure ang lahat, magiging okay na ba? Will everyone have their happy endings?

Will I not hurt Unique in any possible way?

It hurt me. Seeing him walk away, shoulders down, still whimpering. Gustong-gusto ko siyang yakapin at humingi ng sorry, pero ito na naman ako, gumagawa na naman ng desisyon na baka pagsisihan ko ulit.

Pero hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang saktan siya. I could never afford being with him and still think about Blaster. Kung kumusta na siya, kung okay lang ba siya, kung may pag-asa pa ba.

Sobrang unfair naman no'n.

He's had enough fair share of the pain.

Nagpaikot-ikot ako sa kama ko, pero hindi pa rin ako makatulog. 10 pa lang naman ng gabi, pero ipinangako ko sa sarili ko kahapon na matutulog na ako nang maaga para naman mabawasan na rin 'yung eyebags ko. Nagsusulputan na rin kasi 'yung pimples ko sa mukha kakapuyat, at dahil na rin sa stress.

No'ng hindi na talaga ako makatulog, I decided to come down para uminom ng gatas. Nagulat ako kasi may kausap si mama sa may living room kaya medyo bumaba ako para makita kung sino.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko kaya nagtago ako nang kaunti para hindi nila ako makita.

"D-dad..."

I was never a fan of eavesdropping dahil alam ko namang kawalan ng manners 'yun, but I just couldn't help but to listen to their conversation. Pakiramdam ko mas lalo lang akong hindi makakatulog kapag hindi ko narinig.

I'll just wonder over and over again.

"Isasama ko muna si Cassandra sa London. She needs space to breathe, masyado pang bata 'yung anak natin para masaktan nang gano'n," sabi ni Dad, dahilan para manlaki ang mga mata ko. Narinig ko pang napa-buntonghininga siya. "I don't want my only princess getting hurt. I may not be able to shower her with love because I let her become independent, pero ayaw ko namang makitang gano'n siya. She deserves more than that."

I bit my lower lip.

It felt nice. Hearing those words from dad. Hindi ko na napigilang mapaiyak.

Just when I thought hindi niya ako mahal.

Tinignan ko lang sila. Hinawakan naman ni mama ang kamay ni dad, hindi ko maaninag ang mukha ni mama dahil nakatalikod siya sa'kin pero pakiramdam ko ngumiti siya, dahil ngumiti rin nang bahagya si papa.

"Do whatever you can, mahal," sabi ni mama. "Ayaw ko na ring nasasaktan si Cass. I may not be her mom, pero anak na rin ang turing ko sa kaniya. Lalo na't ngayon nagiging close na kami. I can't stand seeing her bear the pain, and I can't even do anything to ease it. Masakit." Narinig ko ang mahinang paghikbi ni mama. Napatayo naman si papa at niyakap nang mahigpit si mama.

Napangiti ako.

"Thank you for loving my dad," I whispered.

***

I woke up with a heavy head. Siguro dahil hindi rin ako nakatulog nang maaga. Though, I loved hearing dad saying that he doesn't want me getting hurt, I still couldn't fathom the idea of running away from everything.

Sinimulan namin 'to. Hindi dapat ako nagpapaduwag lang. Masakit, oo. Pero mas nakakatakot takbuhan na lang ang lahat na parang walang nangyari, na parang walang nasaktan.

Na parang hindi siya naging dahilan ng kasiyahan ko, kahit panandalian lang.

Dumiretso na kaagad ako sa school kahit may pagkain nang inihanda si mama. Wala rin akong ganang kumain kaya nonsense lang din kung susubukan ko. Baka isuka ko lang din.

Takang-taka ako habang naglalakad sa hallway ng SHS Building. Lahat sila nakatingin sa akin, 'yung iba parang galit, 'yung iba nagbubulungan.

"Cass." Nagulat ako nang tawagin ako ni Andrea. Ngumiti ako nang bahagya.

Nakakapagod din palang maging malungkot. Minsan mas masarap na rin sa pakiramdam itago na lang lahat.

"Ang daming nagagalit sa'yo," sabi ni Andrea. "May nakakuha ng video na niyakap ka ni Unique pero pinaalis mo siyang umiiyak."

Nabigla ako.

What the hell.

"A-anong sabi nila?"

Napasimangot naman sila Rinoa, "Inaagaw mo raw si Unique kay Jules."

Isa pang what the hell.

Natawa naman ako sa sinasabi nila. "Why do they keep on concluding when hindi naman nila alam kung ano'ng nangyayari?"

Carissa sighed, "That's what media is for you, Cass. Kung ano'ng gusto nila paniwalaan, 'yun ang paniniwalaan nila. That's how far their toxicity will bring them."

Napapikit na lang ako at ilang beses napa-buntonghininga.

"Bitch." Rinig kong sabi ng mga babaeng dumadaan sa gilid namin. Napakuyom na lang ako ng kamao. As much as I want to defend myself, ayaw ko namang magbigay pa ng problema kay Unique. Mas ayos na siguro 'yung ganito. 'Yung hindi nila alam kung ano'ng nangyayari, 'yung ako na lang mag-receive ng hate kaysa kay Unique. Ang alam ko kasi, hindi naman nagsasalita si Unique tungkol sa kanila ni Jules, so people just conclude na sila—that they're in a relationship.

And I'm just a pest destroying them for my own gain... that's just how people want to believe it.

Then so be it, just for him to be okay.

Nginitian ko na lang sila Andrea, "Hayaan mo na," sambit ko. "They can hate me all they want, huwag lang nilang aanuhin si Koi."

"They hate him already." Nagulat kami nang biglang may magsalita sa likod namin. "They hate him because they thought niloloko ako ni Unique."

"Jules." Ngumiti lang siya nang bahagya.

"I really wanna talk to you," she said with a hint of sadness in her tone. Napatingin naman ako kila Andrea at tumango naman sila.

"An hour will do," said Jules.

"Vacant namin next subject." Napangiti naman si Jules. Agad niya akong hinila palabas ng SHS building. Tahimik lang kaming naglalakad papunta sa may café rito sa may campus. May mga estudyante rin pero kaunti lang.

"It's about Unique right?"

Jules smiled, "Order ka muna."

"Hindi na," sambit ko. "It's Unique, right?"

She sighed, "Yes," she said. "Unique's always been silent about us, that people still think that there's still something between the two of us. But it's been years, and there's none already—for him."

I paused and stared at her.

"I still like him," she uttered. "But I don't want him hurting himself, Cass. So please, help me. If this is the only way to lessen the pain he's feeling right now, then I'll take the risk."

"I'll risk anything for him."

She scoffed and closed her eyes, letting her tears fall.

"I'd be ready. I will release a statement, I will be honest. I'll tell everyone that we're already over, and that we just chose to end it privately. I'll clean both of your name—just please, please promise me you'll make him happy."

I chewed on my lip. Hindi ko na alam.

"He likes you. So much. It hurts but I want to see him happy again, and it's you Cass. You are his happiness. Please make him happy and I'll be happy too." She held my hand and smiled, tears still falling from her eyes.

I didn't know what to say or what to do.

And I don't know if I will regret it.

But I nodded.

"I will," I said and heard my heart breaking after.

Because I know I won't. I will never make him happy.

When somebody else is still my happiness—we'll just continue breaking each other.