It was already 7 pm. Unique was silent all throughout. Gusto kong magsalita pero hinayaan ko na lang na balutin kami ng katahimikan. Unique's always been that kind of man. No wonder his silence is comfortable.

"Pupunta ka naman 'di ba?" Napatingin ako kay Unique, suot na ulit niya 'yung bagong eyeglasses niya pero halatang parang namamaga pa rin ang mga mata niya. Napangiwi ako. Concert pa naman niya bukas pero pinapaiyak ko lang siya.

Ngumiti ako, "Oo naman," sambit ko. Gusto ko pa sanang sabihin na siyempre, kaibigan kita kaso sobrang insulto naman na 'yun para sa kan'ya.

Grabe, ang unworthy kong tao pero ito sila, umiiyak sa harapan ko na parang ang ganda-ganda ko, e sobrang walang kwenta naman ako. Nakakatawa lang.

"Hindi mo ba sila nami-miss?" bigla kong tanong. I always wonder about him missing his bandmates, because surely, halata naman sa mga ka-banda niya na nami-miss nila 'yung tao, lalo na si Blaster. Kulang na lang nga tumalon siya noon sa falls para lang maibalik 'yung dating samahan.

Kaso wala. They chose different directions.

Ngumiti si Unique at umiwas ng tingin, "Nami-miss," sambit niya. "Pero ito na 'yung pinili ko. Papanindigan ko na lang. Gano'n naman dapat 'di ba? Panindigan mo dapat 'yung desisyon mo kasi 'yun na 'yung pinili mo, 'yun na 'yung ginusto mo. Hindi sa lahat ng bagay pwede kang magpalit ng isipan. Baka mas lalo ka lang makasakit."

"Bakit?"

"Masaya akong ginagawa kong malungkot ang sarili ko," sambit niya at napatingin sa akin. "Masaya akong sinasaktan ang sarili ko, basta hindi masaktan 'yung mga nasa paligid ko."

I sighed, realizations came rushing to me, and things just started to hit me.

Grabe, gustong-gusto kong mamatay dahil pakiramdam ko sobrang bigat na ng nararamdaman ko, not realizing that other people are trying to live just because they care for others--like Unique. Kahit masakit na para sa kaniya, kahit nahihirapan na siya, God he even said it himself--it's okay for him to hurt himself just for other people to not get the same pain as he's feeling.

I just hope someone loves him the way he loves me.

Because seriously, hindi niya deserve 'to. He deserve something more.

Unique smiled at me, "Alam ko naman, may darating din. Pero, hindi ko na inaasahang mananatili. Kung ako nga umalis, siya pa kaya? Minsan, iniisip ko, mas okay nang selfless ako, tahimik, misteryoso, at least may defense mechanism na rin ako kahit pa paano," sambit niya. Kahit ano'ng subok kong hindi maiyak, naiyak pa rin ako. Pwede na talaga akong maging artista sa sobrang babaw ko, lahat na lang iniiyakan ko.

It was already 8:30 in the evening, Unique told me na magpapa-deliver na lang siya ng pagkain dito since hindi naman daw siya nags-stock ng pagkain na pwedeng iluto sa fridge. Minsan lang naman din daw siya nago-overnight dito, mostly kapag inaayos niya 'yung gallery. I was gonna volunteer to cook for him pa naman.

We were watching news when the food arrived, agad siyang lumabas para kunin 'yun. Pinipilit ko pa nga na ako na lang magbayad, pero nagbiro pa siya na para sa kaniya, date raw namin kaya susulitin na lang niya. Hinayaan ko na lang tuloy.

"I heard... you're going to London?" Napatingin ako kay Unique, gulat na gulat, kasi wala naman ako masiyadong pinagsabihan. Hindi rin naman sila nagkikita nila kuya Zild kaya imposibleng sinabi nila sa kaniya.

"Kanino mo nalaman?" Napangiti si Unique.

"Nakalimutan mo na yatang kinakausap ako minsan ni tita," natatawa niyang sambit at uminom mula sa soda niya. Bigla ko tuloy gustong sapakin ang sarili ko, sa sobrang dami ng pangyayari ang dami ko na ring nakakalimutan. "Tutuloy ka ba?"

Nagkibit-balikat ako kasi to be honest, hindi ko talaga alam. Oo, I decided na hindi na ako sasama, pero I realized, sa sobrang daming nangyayari kailangan ko ng restart, that I need to think for myself din naman. Pakiramdam ko kasi, kaunti na lang, mababaliw na talaga ako.

"I think you should go," says Unique. Tinitigan ko lang siya, wondering what's going on his mind kasi sobrang hirap niyang basahin. Para siyang Da Vinci's code na kailangan mo pa talagang i-decipher nang mabuti. "You need to find happiness, Cass. It's not here, it's not even in me. Kailangan mong palayain 'yung sarili mo sa sakit. You're not being you anymore."

Sapul.

Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko.

Tama siya.

"Hanapin mo ang sarili mo at mahalin mo naman ang sarili mo, Cass. Huwag mo akong gayahin."

Ngumiti ako at hinawakan ang kamay niya.

"Just promise me you'll find happiness, too."

Ngumiti naman siya at tumango.

***

Alas dies na ng gabi no'ng makauwi ako. Mom was already calling me hours ago, pero hindi ko muna pinansin—it's the least I can do for Unique, kasi sa totoo lang, sa sobrang dami na niyang ginawa para sa akin, hindi ko na rin alam ang gagawin.

It felt like I was indebted although Unique never made me feel that way.

He told me he's happy, just as long as he finds me safe. Pero in return, I just keep on hurting him over and over again.

Pagkabukas ko ng pinto, nagulat ako nang sumalubong sa akin si Ashton—which is very odd. Ashton never waited for me to come home because he's usually a very sleepy kid. Umupo ako sa harapan niya para magpantay kaming dalawa, and then I noticed his bloodshot eyes, parang kakaiyak lang.

"Why are you crying?" I asked and cupped both of his cheeks. Halos mag-panic ako when he started crying again, but then he hugged me tight.

"Huwag ka po umalis please," sambit niya, umiiyak pa rin habang nakayakap sa akin. "Sama ako ate."

"Cassandra." My heartbeat became faster, almost couldn't breathe knowing he's just a few meters from me.

"Dad." Napalingon ako sa likod ko. Ngumiti siya at binuhat si Ashton, kaya tumayo na ako. "Welcome home," I said, my voice cracking, tears almost dropping down from my eyes, but I needed to control myself.

I need to be tough.

My dad smiled even more and ruffled my hair, "Laki mo na, Cassandra. I'm sorry if I wasn't the perfect father, I thought I was giving you the love you need, then I realized, I wasn't giving any at all," he said, right on cue, my tears fell down. Lumapit sa akin si daddy at pinunasan ang pisngi ko gamit ng hinlalaki niya. He was carrying Ashton but he managed to hug me tight, "I'm sorry Cassandra. You don't deserve this pain. I should've been there for you."

I didn't speak, I just let my dad hug me as I cry. Bigla namang dumating si mama, "Sorry anak, I love you so much."

I smiled.

"I love you too, dad."

The hug lasted for like a minute or two, tapos umupo na kami sa may living room. I was getting nervous, I know it'll be about London.

"Are you coming with me?"

I looked at him and smiled.