The atmosphere was so silent. Crystal isn't saying a single word while she's check my dextrose. Pagkatapos ay ngumiti siya nang bahagya, umupo malapit sa'kin.

"You're still probably thinking about Blaster," she said, a faint frown appearing on her lips. "Stop, I'm telling you. It's... not worth it anymore."

My forehead creased, but Crys managed to smile. She held my hand, "It's been 4 years since we broke up," she said. "He couldn't find satisfaction, probably. When we're almost on our second year, he cheated on me, but we actually talked about it and moved on. I tried, but I couldn't. I realized I needed peace."

"So I ended everything with him," she said. "I'm telling you, Cass. He's not worth it, he'll never be worth it."

I didn't utter any single word, Crys just smiled at me before leaving my room. The tears I was trying to control fell down from my eyes continuously.

I can't deny. I'm still thinking about him—that I still need him, that I still love him.

The feelings just couldn't go away like some sort of barnacle. Kahit ano'ng subok ko, ayaw niyang mawala sa sistema ko. The more I try to remove him from my system, the more it lingers. Kahit hindi ko na siya nakikita, pakiramdam ko gano'n pa rin 'yung pakiramdam. Crys' words did nothing but just made me miss him more—even made me remember him.

Hindi ko alam. Gan'to na yata talaga ako katanga.

When I felt boredom while watching cartoons, I reached for my phone to check for some messages. My heart started to beat erratically when I saw his name on my Requests.

Blaster Silonga: i heard you're back
i missed you
i love you
i still do.
will forever do.

I bit the side of my cheeks to stop myself from smiling. But it was harder than I though, so instead of stopping myself, I let them be.

Probably the first time I smiled genuinely, again.

Blaster Silonga: i hope you'll give me a second chance because honestly, I'll always wait for you
whatever it takes
it will always be you

I'd probably be the biggest tanga in the whole universe kung pumayag pa ulit ako. I do believe Crys, I know he did that, I may not know the whole story but I just know that he did.

He did it to me.

He can do it over and over again just because he can't find something on me, or on Crystal.

Hindi naman kasi talaga sapat na mahal mo 'yung tao, dapat alam mo ring rumespeto ng pakiramdam. I know Blaster loved me, but despite of what he was feeling towards me, he still chose to cheat.

But it's harder to think that whenever I try to convince myself na dapat wala na talaga, the more I keep on digging for reasons kung bakit gusto ko pa.

Kung bakit gusto ko pa siya.

The pain will always linger. All the regrets I've had.

But one thing's more certain.

He'll forever have a place so dearly inside my heart.

I sighed and turned off my phone bago ko iyon binalik sa table sa bedside ko. I'm an adult already, and as much as I want to give him a chance, I still need to be mature—to think thoroughly. I've been such a clumsy decision-maker when I was still a kid, dito man lang makabawi ako para sa sarili ko.

To be honest, alam ko naman na iyon ang puno't dulo ng lahat. I keep on loving and caring for people, that I always end up leaving none for myself. Akala ko kasi mas magiging madali kapag mas minahal ko sila kaysa sa sarili ko, na baka they might realize that they shouldn't hurt me because I was even more than willing to give them my whole life just to prove myself.

I realized, people will never be like that. I realized na the more na ibigay mo 'yung sarili mo, 'yung lahat na ng pagmamhal at wala kang itira sa sarili mo, mas lumalaki lang ang ulo nila. Mas lumalakas ang loob na saktan ka, kasi pakiramdam nila, kahit naman ano'ng gawin nila ayos lang sa'yo dahil mahal na mahal mo sila.

Sa kanila ka pa rin babalik dahil mahal na mahal mo sila.

Siya.

Natawa ako. Sobrang akong-ako.

I didn't want to deal with Blaster, not now na sobrang gulo pa rin ng isipan ko kaya nanood na lang ako ng TV, sinusubukang iwasan ang mga news channel dahil alam ko namang for the past 6 years, lagi na rin silang laman ng news dahil sa world tours na rin nila.

Still, kahit ganito, I'm still proud of them, of him. It's an inevitable feeling that I can never stop.

"Cass?" Crystal knocked on the door twice before entering at ngumiti nang bahagya bago ipinatong ang isang tray na may lamang pagkain sa lamesa. "Kain ka muna, kahit kaunti. I realized you didn't really like hospital food so I bought food outside."

I smiled at napaupo sa higaan. Inabot ko 'yung tray at nagsimulang kumain kahit sa totoo lang, wala talaga akong gana. Ayaw ko lang talagang tanggihan si Crystal.

After all, we're both victims.

"Kain ka lang, bantayan na kita. Tapos na rin naman duty ko, uuwi na rin ako maya-maya. Hintayin ko lang 'yung boyfriend ko."

Napatingin ako sa kaniya. Ngumiti lang siya.

Buti pa siya masaya na, samantalang ako, miserable pa rin.

Nagalit ako kay Crystal, sobra. It felt like she robbed me of a lot of things that should be mine, but hatred does nothing but make your life miserable, kaya kahit mahirap, sinubukan ko na lang kalimutan ang lahat.

Wala rin namang mangyayari kung magagalit na lang ako habambuhay sa ibang tao habang galit din ako sa sarili ko. Mas less ang burden kung susubukan ko na lang kalimutan lahat ng pain, dahil in the first place, kung sinunod ko lang ang sinabi nila Zild sa'kin noon na I should not rush things between me and Blaster—wala sanang ganito.

Sana payapa pa rin ang isipan naming lahat. Sana ayos lang din ako.

Tahimik lang si Crystal habang nakikinood ng TV at hinahayaan akong kumain.

"You feel better?" asked Crystal, ngumiti ako nang bahagya. Medyo marami rin ang nakain ko dahil paborito ko rin 'yung binili ni Crystal. "Caldereta binili ko since Blaster told me it's your favorite."

Napatitig na lang ako kay Crystal, I didn't know what to tell.

She sighed, "I'm not doing this for Blaster, I'm doing this for myself," she said. "Hindi ko ide-deny, minahal ako ni Blaster, I felt his love throughout the span na naging kami. But there are just times that he'll suddenly talk about you, and I felt envy, even anger towards you kasi kahit ibigay ko na 'yung lahat-lahat ng sa sarili ko, hindi ka pa rin niya makalimutan." Tears started flowing down from her eyes, but she didn't bother wiping them. Tuloy-tuloy lang siyang nagsalita.

"Until I realized that, I can never do anything for me to replace you in Blaster's life," she said. "Sobrang sakit, pero what can I do? I admit na inagaw ko lang naman si Blaster sa'yo. Sobrang laking kasalanan 'yun, that everyday in my life, his infidelity towards you just keeps on hunting me. Hanggang sa... he did it again. He cheated on me, pinalampas ko 'yung isang beses, pero no'ng inulit niya, I realized that I need peace and happiness for myself. Sobrang dami ko nang ginawang katangahan sa buhay ko, ayaw ko nang dagdagan."

"Naawa rin naman ako sa sarili ko dahil kahit ibigay mo na pala lahat-lahat, if he wants to do it, he'll do it," sambit niya, finally wiping the tears dropping from her eyes. Natawa siya nang kaunti, "So I'm doing this for myself, to properly apologize because of all the things I did to you. Sobrang dami kong nagawang kasalanan sa'yo, and I'm not expecting that you'll forgive me easily but—"

"I forgive you."

Napatingin siya sa'kin, napakurap nang ilang beses dahilan para matawa ako nang kaunti.

"Honestly, matagal na. Oo mahirap, but I realized it would do nothing to me but just make my life miserable. I'm no saint din naman, pero the more na isiksik ko naman sa utak ko 'yung galit ko sa inyo? Mas magiging miserable lang din ang buhay ko," sambit ko habang nakangiti. Hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Crys at napa-buntonghininga, "We all make mistakes, pero 'yung mga pagkakamali na 'yun, 'yung din ang magtuturo sa'tin kung paano magbago."

Crys smiled and hugged me tight, "Thank you," sambit niya.

I smiled.

I've never felt so at ease in my entire life. I may hate myself and the way I decide for my life... maybe I still do something righteous.

Right. One step at a time, and I'll finally be at peace.

"You should talk to him."

"Who?"

"Blaster. Settle everything." Napatingin siya sa phone ko na kanina pa pala nagva-vibrate at ngumiti, kaya napatingin na lang din ako. I grabbed my phone at napatingin sa caller.

Blaster.

Crys nodded.

Napa-buntonghininga ako.

"Hello?"