I shuffled and shifted in my seat as I waited for the doctor to come speak to me. It had almost been an hour since Daniel had been wheeled into the operation theatre. He had only been semi-conscious. And there was no doubt that his tumour had caused the sudden seizures or whatever they called it.

I still wondered what had gone wrong in those few hours which had caused so much deterioration in his health status.

We were there wrapped in each other arms for a moment and I knew we were struggling to maintain our composure against raging desires and then he started screaming, clawing at the air as his entire body twisted and turned in sickly convulsions.

I could do nothing but call the ambulance and as I saw him writhing in pain, pain I’m sure I had never experienced in my lifetime., it was as if I was seeing his life ebb out of him.

I couldn’t but help feel it was my fault. He was fighting for control and in one way or the other, I was the one who was luring him. His weak brain had been unable to handle the stress. But if his tumour was that precarious, why didn’t he doctors admit him before? They shouldn’t have let him go.

The more I thought, the less hopeful I felt. Maybe he was the one who had delayed the surgery so that he could come and speak to me. Whatever that meant, didn’t change the reality though. I was the culprit, the sole reason why he was in the OT. So near, just beyond the large glass windows and yet so far, as far as a whole new universe. He may go anywhere from there, nearer or farther till he would be beyond my reach.

The room had the blinds drawn and I couldn’t see a single thing inside. My heart pounded in my chest and I was afraid that I would be the one to pass out next if I didn’t control my emotions.

And it was then I realized that in the melee of shifting Daniel and everything, I had completely forgotten about myself. I had no doubt banged myself into objects once or twice. My bandage was still spotless but I wondered how much internal damage it had caused myself because my hands had a feeling of heat and it was the same feeling I had when a massive blister was waiting to pop up.

It was what seemed like an eternity that someone appeared at the door. He was masked but lines of worry were evident on his forehead.

I rushed to him, demanding an answer and he told me that there was a hematoma in his brain because of the tumour. It had damaged a major vessel and the blood pooling up in his brain had caused the sudden fit. They were still in the middle of the surgery, trying to rescue him, neurologically sound.

The doctor, however, helped me keep my emotions in check, giving me the full reality of the situation and yet reassuring me that it wasn’t the end of the world.

It proved of little help in calming me. Blood in his brain? It was as if I was reliving those moments from fifth grade. I was one of the many friends who had actually waited for Tim to come out of the OT. Only he never made it out alive.

My breath caught me as I desperately struggled with the raging emotions in me. I was such a fool to lead him on when he was in that condition. Maybe the hematoma could have been stopped if I had let him spend a quiet night, away from the emotional turmoil.

“Phoebe,” I heard my mother’s panicked voice before I saw her. She came and wrapped me in an embrace. I had never realized how cold I was before that. I shivered as my body touched her.

“Oh Phoebe,” she exclaimed, touching my arms. “You’re burning with fever. You need to go home and take rest.”

“No,” I cried, backing off. “I need to stay here. Stay with him. I need to see him safe and sound before I could go and take rest. For all I know he’s dying in there.”
I shivered again as a cool blast from the air conditioner hit me.

“Straining yourself is going to help no one. If you are going to get sicker every minute with your childlike stubbornness, I would be forced to drag you out of this place and Daniel will be truly alone then,” she chided.