E D E L W E I S S

[leontopodium nivale] ➳ courage.

ONE AFTERNOON IN GRADE nine, I'd perched on the steps behind our house and picked a yellow dandelion out of the ground. As the late summer beat down on my skin, I'd plucked the flower's petals one by one. 

Will he? I'd asked myself silently, dropping the first petal to the ground. Or won't he?

Obviously, I was being silly, and the outcome had nothing to do with whether or not Anthony Ruiz would ask me to be his girlfriend. But I still tore off each petal, revelling in a gush of satisfaction when I touched the last one. 

Yes, I'd thought giddily, watching it fall. He will.

And he did, on the same day he gifted me a silver butterfly necklace. He'd helped me clasp it around my neck, then claimed my first kiss before I could even process my good fortune.

At the time, that had been the best day of my life. 

But even so, that was not the day dandelions and wishes became a recurring motif in my life. Instead, will he, won't he? became just one iteration of my least favourite game.

Because he would just leave his sister there to cry, and he would let his parents take the blame. He wouldn't come after the people he had hurt and he definitely wouldn't apologize. He would break my heart, even if I broke up with him first, and his memory wouldn't leave me alone, not for months. 

Not until I found a way to move on. 

And in the shadows of this small-town graveyard, which already looked more alive than it had ever been, I realized I had done exactly that.

I paced along the grass next to Isaac, both of us holding cardboard boxes that overflowed with pink roses. Using sparkly tape and an excess of the tissue paper, we'd put together tiny bouquets of several flowers each. 

Now it was time to distribute them to the graves.

A gradient stretched from the tip of the atmosphere to the uneven ground; the skies were saturated with bright oranges and purples that melted into dusty browns and faded greens beneath our feet. Side-by-side, Isaac and I delivered the bouquets in sync, speaking softly as we drifted between the rows.

Our conversation had fallen to the topic of my old gang. I did most of the talking, explaining how we'd all met, and how each of them had at one point given me grief about loving plants more than most people. 

Isaac had laughed at that. 

"Out of everyone you've told me about so far," he said, fiddling with the tape on around a bunch of flower stems, "I think I like Priya and Chloe the most."

"They were my best friends," I agreed, bending down to place a bouquet in front of a headstone. I was using the past tense because I had spent months ignoring them before initiating a conversation this morning, but — "Maybe you'll get to meet them someday."

I didn't know if they still associated with Anthony, and I had been too wary to ask. But that was a bridge I could cross at a later date. 

Expecting a response, I casted a glance in Isaac's direction, but he only fumbled with his roses. Unperturbed, I stood up, brushing dirt off my pants as I approached the next grave in line.

"It's crazy, right?" he asked a moment later. "Some things are a huge deal in one place, but mean literally nothing the second you cross from one town to the next."

I plucked a bunch of roses out of the top of my box, which was balanced on my left forearm. "Yeah. Don't worry; my friends have never heard about your realtor-sign-stealing video mishap, and they wouldn't care even if they had."

Isaac's face reddened slightly. "It's not that." 

"Oh. Is this about Doug at all?"

He paused, and the silence stretched between us for a second too long. "Yeah," he said, glancing into his own box and mirroring my movements as he acquired a new bouquet. "When is Jackie moving into your place, anyway?"

I shrugged. My parents were good at making arrangements, and I trusted them to get Jackie settled while I focused on my own life — my grades, my relationship, and the fact that I was meeting Isaac's family in less than three days. "Maybe Saturday? My dad wanted it to be after exams, and we're going to your stepbrother's party on Friday, so that's the earliest possible date."

"Cool," he replied, punctuating the word with another extended pause. He pressed his lips into a line as we walked among the sparsely laid-out headstones, curving around the bumpier parts of the ground.

I blinked at him, unable to hide my surprise at his concise response. Isaac had spent more than twenty-four hours holed up alone in his room, studying for our math exam. I had assumed he would return to his normal self once we handed in our tests, but something was still off about him. 

Or maybe I was the weird one. After all, I had spent most of last night trading hugs with my parents between breaking their hearts — trying to convince them that nothing had been their fault. I was now a different person than I had been twenty-four hours ago.

That was probably it.

"Last row," Isaac said. Scanning the area, I realized he was right: we had successfully placed flowers at almost every grave, and only a dozen were left at the edge of the cemetery.

We proceeded through them at the same languid pace, taking the time to brush off each headstone and read the name inscribed at the top. When we reached the final grave — the one belonging to Leo's mother — and still had bouquets leftover, I placed an extra bunch of flowers down.

Stepping back, I admired our work. Between one wall of evergreen trees and the next, the landscape was dotted with pink, like cartoon blush marks on the overgrown grass. The greys of the headstones still dwelled somberly between the bouquets, but their names felt much less forgotten than before.

"We did it," I whispered. Isaac snuck his hands around my waist, pulling me into him as I nestled my head into his chest. His pulse came in rapid beats that didn't slow down — because we weren't quite finished yet.

"Are you ready?" he asked, referring to the second half of our plans.

I nodded, and swept my hair onto my shoulder. He circled around to my back, his fingers grazing my bare neck and sending a tingle of excitement across my skin. I heard a little click, then swiveled back to face him. 

Isaac held my undone necklace up against the setting sun.

"I mean, we don't have to do this." He dropped the necklace into my open palm. "You can keep it in a box or something, hide it away and never look at it again. That might be better than losing it forever."

"No," I said. "This is what I want."

Isaac chewed his lip again. "Okay." His lips quirked into a tiny grin. "I'm proud of you."

"Thanks." I laughed breathily, the butterfly necklace dangling over the edge of my hand. The breeze filtered through my fingers as I held my hands in front of me, glimpsing the dirt lodged in my nails. "Me too."

We both knelt down and found an empty spot near Oberon's grave. I miraculously had possessed the forethought to bring a shovel I'd borrowed from the community greenhouse, and Isaac used it now to dig a modest-sized hole in the soil.

Once it was a few inches deep, I dropped the necklace inside, its butterfly pendant face-up. Its angled wings didn't glimmer despite the glow on the horizon, and its tiny antennae were invisible, already covered by specks of dirt crumbling over the edge of the void. 

Another heartbeat clapped behind my ribcage, and I blanketed the necklace with soil, burying it with the memories that had spent so long tainting my head. The silver butterfly disappeared, smothered by the earth just as a torch ignited inside of me.

I wasn't forgiving Anthony, or forgetting him. I was carving out a future where he didn't exist.

The summer wind fed my flame, sending bits of dirt and torn grass into the air as I peered at Isaac. I was warm with accomplishment, but the colour of his sky tinted him with cool tones. 

"You good, Ren?" he asked, picking at a stray weed. His tone had shifted, his syllables much smaller than they had been before. 

When I nodded, he pulled the weed out, focused completely on the ground. "Thanks for sharing this moment with me, of all people," he added in a whisper, throwing his arm over my shoulders to give me a familiar half-hug.

I chuckled, assessing him in my peripheral vision. "I don't know what you're talking about. This is a totally normal couples-bonding activity."

Isaac went quiet again. I assumed he was cringing, but then I saw his face and could easily put a name to the emotion that lingered on his features.

It was longing, mixed into the puppy-eyed sadness that had drawn me to him in the first place. "Hey," I said reassuringly. "We've spent way too much time here, thinking about stuff that barely matters anymore. We should get going, yeah?"

"I —" he started, but seemed to think better of what he wanted to say. "This night is about you. Don't make it about me, if you'd rather stay."

"Fine." I tilted my head and leaned it against his upper arm, the fabric of his shirt slightly less of a comfort than it had been before. "But are you okay?"

"Yeah. Of course." Isaac exhaled, embracing me a little longer before slipping away. "Sorry if I'm making this weird," he said. His irises glimmered, lips parted but his real words swallowed whole. "I'm happy if you're happy. Really."

Trying to accept that we were just fine, I slid from distress into something more comfortable — a smile — and hoped for the best. "Good," I said. "I am happy." 

But for the first time, Isaac didn't smile back at me. Not really. Not with the kind of smile that lifted my heart and crinkled the skin beneath his eyes. And even on the way home, I had no idea what to make of that. 

A/N: Hey everyone, not to make things even angstier than they already are, but just a heads up — there are only four chapters left! Also, this is the last update that deals with Anthony in any capacity, so hopefully this feels like enough closure for you guys? Things should be much more fun next time around. 

If you have any guesses as to why Isaac's acting up, let me know! I love hearing your theories, and this is the home stretch so you won't get many more opportunities to speculate. Otherwise, don't forget to vote if you enjoyed this chapter, and thank you for sticking around ♡