HE STARED AT HER GRAVESTONE.
They buried her today. They buried their mom.
He crouched down and read the letters engraved in the stone.
"Hey, Mama." Namjoon took a moment to swallow. "I hope you're not disappointed in me. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when I should've been, but I won't apologize for who've I fallen for. I know you wanted to marry me off and you even had women in mind that you thought I'd be good with. I'm happy with the man I'm with. He treats me well and Min has grown really attached to him and his nephew."
He chuckled. "Yesterday he barely paid attention to me when he came over for dinner. He and Min—they make a good cooking team. They cooked for me and then baked cookies afterwards. For a moment she looked like you when she smiled. The very few times you showed that blinding smile—she looked like that. It's nice to know some of you is in her, because despite all of our arguments I didn't want you to go so soon. It's nice to think in a way you're still here. Through her. Anyway, after that we convinced Jungkook to play Uno with us—you know, the idiot I was telling about through the phone with those two other guys who tried to bully me? You probably weren't listening, which is no surprise. But I guess we're okay now, even after he attacked me when he thought I was trying to rape my own boyfriend last week. Yesterday was still fun. Jin-hyung brings a lot of joy into my life. I hope you can still love me even for my choices."
He bit his lip and frowned.
He remembered butting heads with his mom a lot as he grew up. She wanted one thing and he wanted another and when that happened his grandmother always stood up for him. He always could count on her. But after she died things only got worse between them. He often went to his fathers' house, secretly glad his parents had divorced. But then his father passed away from liver cancer (he always had a smoking and drinking problem) he had no where to go, so in order to stay away from her Namjoon often lied about his age and got a job and an apartment. (When he was fifteen people often would mistaken his age for seventeen.) He relied on his cleverness to dodge any age regarding issues. He barely turned sixteen when he got his first job.
Not too long after, Nurse Kim told him about his mother's breast cancer and revealed that she had had it for quite a while. Namjoon wanted to ask his mom why she didn't tell him sooner, but he knew he was asking for an argument if he did. So he did the best he could for a few months, visiting her more often, taking her to doctor's appointments, etc., etc. However, the sicker she became the more desperate she was to finish the things she wanted to do before her time was up, and she often took her stress out on Namjoon.
"You need to marry," she said numerous times before when he drove her to see the doctor. "I have good women in mind for you. You need to marry so I can die knowing I will live on in my grandchildren."
"Mom," he said each time,"I'm not going to marry anybody anytime soon. Times are changing. I know Grandma was very old fashion and made you marry at seventeen but—"
"No buts!" she'd shout. "You must!"
He'd sigh. "Father taught me well. He said that focusing on myself and my grades was what mattered."
"To hell with him! What would that old loaf know? He smokes when is hungry and gets wasted when he is thirsty! The idiot cannot even take a decent shower! How could you listen to him? I know what is best!"
"Whatever you say, Mom."
Some arguments would last longer than others, but they got worse every time. Finally, it got to the point where Namjoon stopped being so consistent on visiting her and Min began to care for her instead.
It was really hard on all of them.
"I should have stayed," he whispered, the guilt settling like a blanket over his heart. "It was just a few more months. I'm sorry. I really am a horrible son, aren't I?"
He tensed when two arms gently landed on his shoulders from behind and slid down to his abdomen. However, the feeling of warm lips pressing against his jawline made him retract into the persons' embrace and sigh, know exactly who it was.
"Greetings, Mrs. Kim," said Jin, smiling at the gravestone. "It's nice to finally meet you, though I wish we could have met under better circumstances. I'm Jin, your sons' boyfriend. He must've told you a bit about me, I hope." He cleared his throat. "I would like to share a few words with you, too."
Namjoons' gaze shifted to his boyfriend as Jin wrapped his arms around his waist. Jins' eyes, however, did not leave the stone.
"I hope it's okay if I stay with your son. He brings me a lot of happiness and having him around is my alcohol to forget my problems. He's told me of your rocky relationship, but I hope above all of his flaws you've been able to see the great person he is and has become. He means a lot to me. It's not just because we're partners, but because he was my friend before he was my lover, and I hope you can tell that I'm with him, not because I'm lonesome, not because of lust, but because I know an angel when I see one. I hope you can accept us. I didn't imagine my first meeting you would be like this and it disappoints me. You're daughter was very upset today. I like her, too. Min is a good, smart kid with a sweet heart. You must have done something right because you raised wonderful kids."
Namjoon stared at him in disbelief, though he wasn't sure why. He sort of assumed all the things Jin said, but hearing them aloud. . .maybe that was why. Not once did he only mention a specific part of him that he liked. He mentioned the whole package. And the way he spoke. . . like he was actually talking to her.
"Hyung. . ." He wasn't sure what to say.
The elder continued to smile, but he still did not look at him. "Did you finish it?"
Namjoon furrowed his eyebrows, taken aback. "Finish what?"
"The book. Did you finish Demian?"
"Oh. Yeah. Why?"
"It was a good book, wasn't it?"
Namjoon looked back at the stone. "Yeah. It was."
He glared at the T.V. It did nothing to him. It wasn't even on. It was just sitting there, monotone, staring back at him with no expression.
Min was gone. Jungkook took her out for ice cream to make her feel better since she had been crying all day.
Jin was gone. He went to the store to buy some things and said he'd come back soon after Namjoon robotically refused to join him.
Namjoon was gone. He was in a void of emotions. He was panicking inside of his mind, not knowing how to handle the pain in his chest. He spent so much time trying not to feel that he almost forgot what it was like. He hated it. He hated all these emotions. He wasn't sure what triggered them. Maybe it was seeing his mom peacefully laying in her coffin, or maybe it was seeing Min sobbing her eyes out during the whole ceremony, or the gravestone, or Jins' words, or the fact that he kept thinking about what could have been—what could he have done to have a better relationship with her?
He replayed his whole childhood in his head, but despite everything—all the possible scenarios, he couldn't find a solution. She was always so cold to him. Maybe she wanted a girl and that's why she treated Min a lot better. Maybe it was just a bond thing. Maybe it's because she birthed him so young.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
As he sat on his couch maybe was all he could think of.
He stormed over and ran his arm through his T.V stand, knocking off all the objects neatly placed on it. Rage possessed him. He threw pillows at his T.V, flipped over his round table, broke a lamp, ruined some pictures. . . He didn't want to stop.
For a moment he felt free. He felt like he had been holding something in for so long and now that it was out he was relieved. It was as if someone released an angry lion from its cage. It was as if a tornado was born. It was as if a stampede took place. It was like water fighting its way out of a broken dam. He didn't want the feeling to end!
He found himself in a steel grip too soon. There were still so many things he wanted to destroy. He struggled like a toddler having a tantrum.
"Let me go!" he shouted. "Let me go!"
"Joonie!" he heard Jin call. "Joonie, please stop!"
It was him. It was because of him he felt this way. He allowed Jin to enter his life and become a part of it. He was doing just fine before he met him.
With all of Namjoon's might he ripped himself from Jin's grasp and turned to him, infuriated.
"Why me?" he snapped.
Jin furrowed his eyebrows in puzzlement. Of course he was puzzled. He was oblivious as to what he was really doing to Namjoon.
"Nam—"
"Why did you have to come into my life and make me feel so weak?! Why me?! WHY?!"
Jins' eyes glossed over, his whole expression revealing his exhaustion as his gaze softened. He reached over for Namjoon, but the younger boy wasn't having it.
He only shook his head and ran out of his apartment.
He ran for a very long time.
He ran out of the complex, out on the sidewalk, to nowhere in particular. He ran, barely breathing, but he didn't care. He didn't care about the countless people he shoved his way through. He didn't care about the cars that honked after almost hitting him. He only cared about running. It was the closest thing to flying at the moment.
Namjoon only stopped when he tripped over his own feet and collapsed on the ground, but he was too numb to feel the pain. He sighed and stood up. He realized he was near a beach.
Kids played in the sand, couples teased each other in the water, parents hung out and ate under umbrellas, teenagers played volleyball. . . Everyone looked so happy.
Namjoon clutched his chest as his heart beated faster than he must've been breathing. It burned with a passion, throbbing with fatigue. He wiped the perspiration from his forehead, not wanting to think, not wanting to feel. He watched as the people carried on with their lives. He was a ghost that observed the little boy eating his ice cream with his mom, the girl who was laughing on the phone, and the two guys who wrestled on the sand.
In his moment of lucidity he realized what an ass he was to Jin. In truth he did not blame him for this. He knew it was his own fault that he lashed out like that. He wasn't looking at Jin. He was looking at himself. He was screaming at a mirror, not the one person who made him feel like he could fly.
"Namjoon," came a quiet voice.
Namjoon turned to find Jin standing a fair distance away, but not to the point where they couldn't hear each other.
A pained look on was on his face.
"Hyung. How did you—"
"I followed you," Jin said. "I'm sorry, Namjoon. I'm sorry for whatever reason you are like this. I don't know what caused you to push people away. I don't know what caused you to run from things you don't fully understand." His expression hardened. "But I'm not sorry for being the reason you are beginning to feel things you haven't felt in a long time. I want you to feel these emotions because I don't want you to lose yourself and just be left as this machine. Believe me. I've seen it happen to my brother. Please understand that I don't mean to hurt you. I really like you and I mean it. You're my friend just as much as you are my partner. I almost lost you once and I don't want to lo—"
Namjoon pulled him into a loving embrace. He could hear Jin quietly gasp, but in no time he was returning the gesture.
"Please don't apologize," Namjoon whispered. "It's not your fault. It's mine. I was yelling at myself, not you, okay? Not you. I promise. It's not your fault. I don't blame you for anything."
He could feel the elder relax in his grasp.
"Okay."
He tightened his grip around him, as if he was afraid Namjoon would disappear.
"Let's go back, Joonie. The boys want to hang out with you."
Namjoon pulled away and nodded.
The walk home was spent with Namjoon telling Jin why he yelled and explained his past about Min and the fire. As he talked it felt like a burden was being lifted off of his shoulders. He hadn't told anybody about this before and he remembered the doctor saying that Min wouldn't remember anything that happened when she woke up that day at the hospital, so really nobody knew except for him and his parents, but they were dead. So he was the only one. . . not anymore.
Jin held his hand the entire time, silent, nodding his head every once in a while to let him know he was listening. Namjoon was taken aback by his silence. He wasn't used to people just hearing what he had to say that wasn't related to facts and statistics. His mom never cared to listen, either, and while he had his grandmother and dad he spent most of his time with his mom. But he never told his dad anything anyway. He was always wasted when Namjoon would come visit him, but never abusive. He never did anything cruel for the fun of it to his son or daughter. He and Namjoon just never had that close relationship. The only person he really went to was his grandmother.
When he was finished they were standing at the door to his apartment.
Jin turned to him and pecked his lips. When he pulled away he smiled. "Thank you for telling me, Joonie. I understand now. Please don't be afraid anymore."
Namjoon bit his lip.
Jin cupped his cheek and looked at him lovingly. He didn't say anything more. He just smiled at him for a few more seconds. Namjoon felt a sense of security and warmth in his gaze. His heart beated a million miles a minutes and it felt like he couldn't breathe, but at the same time he felt like he was floating high above the clouds.
Jin then turned back and opened the door with the spare key Namjoon gave him.
The sight made Namjoon feel better.
There were his friends. Taehyung was flapping his arms wildly. Everyone one else--Min, Hoseok, Yoongi, Jimin, Jungkook, were seated on the couch, shouting different answers, trying to guess what he was trying to act out. Hoseok was almost jumping out of his seat. Yoongi was cursing and shouting insults to Tae. Jimin was laughing hysterically while Jungkook was still shouting out answers and Min was staring off into space.
Namjoon followed his partner inside and the sound of the door shutting caused everyone to look at them.
"There you are!" Hoseok shouted, jumping from his seat and running over to them.
"Where have you been?" asked Tae.
"We were out," Jin said. "We needed to get some air."
"I'm guessing Min let you in?" asked Namjoon.
"Yep!" said Jimin, running over to them.
"All right, guys," Jungkook called from the living room. "Give some them some space. Let's come back."
The group obeyed and took their previous seats.
Namjoon and Jin sat the on the chairs by the his dining table. When Namjoon rested his hands on the wooden surface he barely realized that his apartment was put back together, almost exactly the way it was before he destroyed it.
"I forced the boys to help me clean your apartment," Yoongi said, as if reading his mind. "Everything was too messy. It looked like an earthquake happened and my O.C.D got the best of me."
Namjoon nodded. "Thank you."
"Yeah. Why did it look like that in the first place, hyung?" demanded Tae. "Did you get mad?"
"Um..."
"Namjoon was sleep walking!" cried Jin. Everyone looked at him. He smiled. "I walked in and found him destroying everything in his sleep. Probably a bad dream, huh, God of Destruction?"
Namjoon pursed his lips. He decided to go along with it, feeling too embarrassed to admit the truth. "Yeah."
"God of Destruction?" Hoseok laughed.
"Well if you haven't noticed he has been breaking things lately," noted Jimin. "When he was zipping up one of my suitcases to help me put it in the attic he broke the zipper!"
Namjoon grimaced.
"He dropped one of my picture frames!" Taehyung said.
"He spilled coffee on my shirt," Yoongi added.
"He broke my necklace just by pulling it to his face to see it better," Jungkook pitched in. "And Dimples had probably been breaking Mins' stuff since she learned to walk. Isn't that right, Min?"
Min snapped her head to him, brought back to reality. "Huh? Oh, yeah." She began to space out again.
Namjoon and Jungkook frowned deeper than anyone else in the room.
Jin merely shook his head and laughed with a bit of force while Namjoon felt the warmth rush to his cheeks, remembering what he was talking about.
Everyone looked at him.
Jin noticed this and ceased his sounds of joy. "What?"
"He hasn't broken anything of yours, uncle?" Jungkook asked.
Jin frowned in thought. "I don't think so. Not that I can think of." He eyed Namjoon. "Do you remember any times, Joonie?"
Namjoon shook his head. He would've remembered.
"So now we know who's playing favorites," said Yoongi.
Everyone, except for Jin, cried out in protests at Namjoon, all rushing to attack him. Jin laughed as they threw Namjoon down on the carpet and jumped on top of him. He shouted and struggled as they bombarded him, but it was no use. He lost his strength when he began to feel fingers run up and down his abdomen that caused his throat to involuntarily release fits of laughter.
"S-Stop!" he pleaded in between hysterical laughs. "Please!"
They wouldn't listen. They harassed him until they were satisfied, leaving Namjoon gasping for air and wincing at the soreness in his body.
Jin watched in amusement. "Wow. You guys are vicious."
"We all should go on a camping trip," suggested Taehyung as he continued to snuggle in Hoseok's arms on the couch. "It'll be fun!"
After they had dessert they all sat back down and continued the rest of their time watching T.V.
Jin smiled as he played with Namjoon's hair, his head in his lap. "I think that's a great idea."
"I've never been camping before," said Jimin, who turned away from the T.V to look at the guys.
Hoseok looked a little nervous. "Uhm. . . c-camping trip? You mean with b-bears and bugs and hard grounds and. . . a-and snakes?"
Tae wrapped his arms tighter around Hoseok's waist, looking up at him with puppy dog eyes. "Please, babe? I promise I'll protect you. Please?"
Hoseok bit his lip as he looked at Tae, but it didn't take long for him to sigh in defeat and nod his head. Taehyung wiggled in excitement and pecked his lips.
Jin looked down at the boy who was almost unconscious. "What do you think, Joonie?"
Namjoon nodded, half-awake as he drooled on Jin's thigh, but Jin didn't care. He marveled at how cute his boyfriend looked.
"That looks like a yes to me."
"I'm in. Min, what about you?" Jungkook asked her.
She was sitting by the window in her mother's old rocking chair that was moved into the apartment and was on the other side of the living room, staring out into the distance, her eyes veiled. She turned at the sound of her name, confused.
"Huh?"
Jungkook frowned. "We were asking if you wanted to go on a camping trip. All of us."
"Oh, yes. Sounds fun." She turned back to the window.
"Am I the only one who votes no?" said Yoongi.
"Yes," said everyone.
Jungkook walked over and carefully helped Min up by taking her shoulder.
"I'm taking her to bed," said Jungkook before he lead her to her room.
"I should get this baby to bed, too," Jin said with a gentle smile as he pushed strands of hairs from his face.
"Guess that's our cue to leave," Yoongi said, getting up from the couch.
Taehyung and Hoseok stood as well and then Jimin followed their actions after.
"So we'll start planning!" Tae beamed.
Jin nodded. "You do that. Get good rest, you guys. See you tomorrow!"
"Bye!" Jimin waved before taking the box of ice cream they were eating earlier and running out while laughing.
"YO!" shouted Tae, chasing Jimin out the door. "Hey! I wanted that!"
"Hey!" Jin called, but they were too far away. He shook his head. "Kids."
"I should go catch up with them," Hoseok said with a smile. "Bye, hyung." He patted Yoongi on the back before running.
"Could you please close the door on your way out?" Jin asked Yoongi.
Yoongi nodded before calmly walking out and closing the door.
Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: AzTruyen.Top