TRIGGER WARNINGS : talks about the following - abusive relationship, drugs, cutting, suicide, hitting, rape, sex

Remus POV
I glanced over at the clock again.  I was laying frozen in fear on the couch where Issac made me sleep.  It's almost 3 am.

Issac got to sleep on the bed.  Even though it wasn't a good bed, it's still better than this stained falling apart couch. 

This isn't working anymore.  I can't take it.  I need to get away from Issac.  But he'll hurt me if I leave.

He loves me, right?

Letting out a long sigh, I pushed myself up off the couch.  I tried to move as slowly as possible so that I didn't make the rusted springs creak. 

Slowly, I moved around and tried to find my clothes.  I had to work by the small amount of moonlight coming in from the window.  I pulled my boxers back on and then scrounged around for a shirt and some pants. 

Issac was laying on the bed under the window.  Asleep only a few feet away.  I don't want to wake him up so I have to remain as silent as possible. 

I slowly opened the closet door begging it to not make any sound.  Once the door was open enough, I grabbed the tattered messenger bag laying on the floor. 

Then I worked on pulling my clothes out of the closet.  I didn't have much and most of it was slutty.  Half of it was stuff Issac forced me to wear to please him.  I'm into a lot of kinky things but it was different when Issac made me indulge in them. 

I stuffed all my clothes into the messenger bag and then tied my combat boots to them.  I carried my favorite pair of heels in my hand, sad to have to leave the others. 

My hands paused over all the pill bottles and bags of so many drugs on the kitchen table.  I need them.  No I don't.  But they make me feel better.  But they'll destroy me.

With much forced self control, I pulled my hand away from the drugs.  I did grab my blades, tossing them into the side pocket. 

I didn't bother packing food.  I can scrounge if I'm not welcome back home.  It won't be the first I've been homeless. 

I also decided against bringing any of my sex toys.  I don't want them.  They remind me of things Issac made me do. 

I'm done with Issac.  I'm done with this life.  I know he's an abusive asshole but I still stuck with him for so long.  Hoping that someday he'd turn around and love me like he did back in high school.

Which I learned later was stupid to believe he'd change.  He's only gotten worse and he's just going to keep going downhill.  I don't want him dragging me down with him anymore.

I want to be free of Issac. I want to get clean, from both drugs and cutting. I want to stop drinking so much. I want to get better.

Those are all things Evan told me. Things he wished for me. The things he said stuck with me. For some fucked up reason he sees good in me. Evan thinks that I can get better.

Evan. Satan what is he doing to me. I can't be with him. He has two other boyfriends. And they don't like me.

Evan with his adorableness. His skirts and pastel aesthetic. The freckles. Those bright green eyes that somehow see good in me. His soft brown hair. I just want to kiss him.

He's also underage. Evan's still seventeen. He told me his birthday is February 13. Not too far away but these...feelings I have for him. I don't know what to make of them. Does this make me a pedophile?

I smacked myself on the side of my head. Why should I even worry about something like that. There's no way in hell that Evan actually likes someone like me. Especially since he has two other amazing boyfriends.

Damien with his bad boy aesthetic but how he's also incredibly smart. The leather jacket that shows off his muscles. The scar that's so badass. His brown eyes and brown hair. He's so hot. Is it bad that I want him to fuck me?

Quinn and his preciousness. He's so soft but tries so hard to be dark and emo. Those unusual but beautiful grey eyes of his. And his freckles. His curly black hair that I really want to run my hands through. I want to kiss him too.

I smacked myself again. I know that Damien thinks of me as a psychotic idiot. He's said that himself. And I know that Quinn's afraid of me. That I scare him.

I need to stop. They don't like me like that. They will never love me. It's never going to happen.

Sighing, I picked up my phone and earbuds. I started Car Radio by Twenty Øne Piløts. Not my usual kind of music but I need this song right now. I shoved my charger into the bag.

There's nothing else here for me to bring. Just parts of memories I don't want to remember. I took one last glance at Issac asleep on the bed.

I'm done.

I turned quickly and headed out of the apartment before I could chicken out. But once I shut the door, the reality of the situation hit me like a bag of bricks.

He's going to come for me. And he's going to be furious. He might hurt me again. He might rape me again. Or maybe, hopefully, he'll be glad I'm gone.

Slipping my combat boots on, I headed down the hallway. The flickering lights gave me a slight headache. The smell of pot and piss was overwhelming.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that this is probably a good thing I'm getting out of here. It's only a matter of time before Issac gets busted by the cops for making and dealing drugs. Or this place gets condemned and demolished.

I paused once I exited the apartment building. I took a deep breath of the night air. But the air was toxic in this part of town. Just the overwhelming smell of exhaust, drugs, alcohol and sex.

The only car Issac and I have is technically his and I don't want to make him even more mad. He's going to be furious when he wakes up and I'm gone.

So I set out on foot. I stayed on the side of the street, trying to avoid the drunk drivers and homeless. Avoiding the prostitutes leaning against the walls trying to be seductive towards me but, news flash for them, I'm hella gay. Avoiding the druggies and alcoholics in the dark allies.

Getting back into the nice part of town is going to be hard. It's going to take a while. What should be a half hour drive is probably going to take an hour.

~~~~magical time skip~~~~

I stared up at my old house. Roman's so lucky that he's still allowed to live here. And that Mom and Dad still love him.

I will forever be the disappointment child. The black sheep of the family. The bad child. The mistake.

Sighing again, I walked to the side of the house. I walked around the house, looking up for Roman's windows.

His windows are in the back, right next to the deck. I tried to figure out in my head which of these windows is closest to his bed. But I'm very stupid so this is hard.

Virgil is probably in there too. So I'll probably have to deal with a grumpy Virgil and angry Roman.

I picked up small rocks and prices of gravel from the mulch. Then I started throwing them up at his window.

All the while I was working myself in an angry cry. Roman's just going to ignore me. Mom and Dad will show up instead and yell at me. Or maybe Roman will let me in but Mom and Dad will kick me out again.

After about ten small rocks, I was about ready to resort to throwing one of the large decorative stones through his window. That would wake him but.

But that's when Roman finally opened the window. He looked annoyed and tired. He stuck his head out the window.

"What the fuck Remus?!" He whisper yelled. "It's four in the fucking morning."

"Please let me in," I begged him.

Roman looked at me a bit before sighing. Then he shut the window again. He doesn't want me here. I started crying.

I have no home. I'm all alone. My brother won't let me come home and even if he did, Mom and Dad won't be happy to see me. Might as well get my hands on some drugs now to just overdose already.

This was a mistake. I should've just stayed with Issac. At least I'd have food and a roof over my head. No one but him is willing to put up with me.

But then the back door slid open. Roman steppes out in a pair of boxers and a loose red T-shirt. He motioned me inside.

I hurried over to him and went inside. I dropped my bag and tried to stop myself from crying. This was a mistake.

"What's wrong?" Roman asked gently. He didn't seem annoyed anymore. He looked genuinely concerned about me.

"I'm sorry," I chocked out, sitting down at the breakfast table. "I'm done. I'm fucking done."

"Done as in suicide or done as in with Issac?" Roman asked, sitting down across from me.

"Both at this point," I laughed despite the tears streaming down my face. Roman gave me a worried look.

"Please don't kill yourself," He whispered.

"Why not?" I asked, almost yelling it. "Everyone fucking hates me. All I've done is screw up everything. I want to blame Issac but it's my own fucking fault. I flushed my own life down the toilet. I let Issac hurt me and rape me and pressure me out of college and into drugs. It's my fault."

Roman didn't say anything. He looked concerned and confused.

"I started using again just after I got better. I stayed with Issac even though I know he's abusive. I let him do all these things to me because I'm so afraid." I sobbed, having to take a deep breath. "I'm so afraid. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to loose the one person that could put up with me. No one else likes me."

"I'm sorry Remus," Roman said. "I've been a shitty brother."

"That's me," I argued. "I'm such a horrible person."

"No, I'm the bad brother. You've been suffering all these years and I did nothing. I just tried to forget about you," He admitted. "It was wrong. I was wrong."

"I'm not mad at you, it's okay," I told him.

"I'm sorry," He told me again.

"How the hell am I supposed to get better though?" I asked him. "I'm a lost cause at this point."

"I'll talk to Mom and Dad," Roman said. "But I'm going to help you."

I pulled Roman into a hug. He hugged back, trying his best to comfort me. We stayed like that for a while until finally pulling apart.

"You can stay in your room, just be quiet," Roman suggested. "I'll talk to Mom and Dad, stay hidden until they allow you back in. Also Virgil's here still and he won't know you're here either."

"That's okay," I mumbled. A wave of gratefulness filled me for Roman. "How is Virgil doing?"

"Well, tomorrow is the court case for his dad," Roman said with a grim expression.