sOmEoNe cLaiMeD tO bE bEtTeR aT aNgSt tHaN mE

yOU kNoW wHaT tHaT mEaNs

Sorry I took a break, I'll try not to again

I still wanna die

Fair warning, my theater nerd self will be coming out in this chapter and I'm basically doing what my school did for this musical

TRIGGER WARNINGS : anorexia, lots of self hatred and negative body imagery

Roman POV
The musical is tonight! I couldn't be more excited and also nervous. But why should I be nervous when I know I'm going to be amazing?

I was standing in the music room of the school. It was the only place I could hide without getting in trouble or risk running into someone.

While singing my heart out to my songs in the musical, because the room is soundproof, I worked on how I am going to ask Virgil to prom. It needs to be grand, perfect and extravagant, like myself.

My Virgil dearest will absolutely love what I have planned. It's absolutely amazing, but also in a way that hopefully won't make Virgil anxious.

I'm going to try and make sure it's in private so he doesn't feel pressured or in case what I have planned is too much.  And I'll do my best to stay by his side the entire night because I know he doesn't like big crowds. 

The way I'm going about this is slightly stereotypical.  But I think it's emo enough that Virgil can appreciate it.  Hopefully. 

I had a big black poster covered in purple and red hearts.  I wrote his name on the top in beautiful purple calligraphy.

And of course, there had to be an emo pun. So, also in purple calligraphy, as the statement;

If it's still me that makes your sweat, come to prom with me?

Virgil had to appreciate it. I spent hours in my room researching emo bands and songs to find the perfect lyrics. I ended up with this quote from Panic! At The Disco.

But this isn't romantic enough. Of course I'll buy him roses. However, I can't decide if I should use red or roses. Maybe I'll just do both.

There should be candles too. It'll have to be dark when I ask then. Oh! I'll do it outside during sunset! That will be so amazing romantic. Rose petals everywhere!

I squealed to myself. I'm more excited than I probably should be. I'm just a romantic and I can't help it.

Shocking me from my singing and thoughts, the door opened. I turned around with an apology already ready, expecting the music teacher.

But Damien was standing there, hands in his pockets. He was laughing a bit at me with an eyebrow raised.

"Don't look!" I yelled, trying to cover the poster.

"I can already see it," Damien continued to laugh. "Virgil will like it I'm sure."

"Good," I sniffed. I think Damien and I have finally gotten over whatever jealousy over Virgil that was separating us when he first arrived.

"But speaking of prom, I had a question," He mumbled embarrassedly.

"If you're here to ask me to prom, I'm afraid I already had someone else in mind," I joked with a smirk.

"I wouldn't go with you if someone paid me a hundred dollars," Damien fired back with a laugh.

"Well obviously," I scoffed, going along with the joke. "I'm worth more than only one hundred dollars."

"My sincere apologies," He laughed. "I meant a hundred and one dollars."

"You're mean," I pouted, turning away from him.

"You're too dramatic for your own good," He sighed.

"Oh, I know," I smirked, trying to impersonate Remy and sassily crossed my legs.

"Anyways," Damien said. "Back to why I spent my entire study hall trying to hunt your ass down."

"If you wanted my beautiful ass you just had to ask," I teased. Planning prom proposals seem to make me more flirty than usual.

"You're a lot more like Remus than you might think," Damien told me.

"Now that's just rude," I said, letting out an offended humph.

"Can I please just ask my question?" He sighed.

"Fine," I mumbled, rolling my eyes. "What do you need?"

"How does prom work?" Damien asked.

"You're kidding right?" I asked with a laugh. We stared at each other silently for a while. "How do you not know? Have you been living under a rock your entire life?" I asked in a more shocked and annoyed manner.

Damien sighed and raised his eye brow again. I thought for a good minute until it finally hit me. I let out a little gasp, shame filling me.

"Right...New Dawn...sorry," I coughed awkwardly.

"It's fine," He mumbled, looking at the floor.

"Well Prom is a school dance, obviously," I started, trying to move on from that embarrassing interaction. "It's just seniors allowed. Basically just ask you're boyfriends to come and then you guys get to spend the night dancing."

Damien stared silently at the floor for a while, deep in thought about this. I went back to working on my poster.

"I have no clue how to ask all of them," He admitted.

"Well you could just ask," I suggested. "Or with a poster, like I'm doing. You could try something more extravagant but I don't see you as the person to do that."

"I'll probably just ask," Damien said finally. "Will Remus and Evan be able to come?"

"Evan will if he can get a permission slip signed by his principle and our principle. He'll have to bring his student ID and pay extra though."

"You have to pay to dance at school?" Damien asked, shocked in an angry way.

"Unfortunately," I sighed. "Remus could sign up to be a chaperone and than just spend the night dancing with you three."

"That could work," He numbed with a soft smile.

"I wish you the best of luck," I told him. "Oh, and Evan knows the musical is tonight, right?"

"Yes, he'll be coming," Damien answered.

"Good," I said. "See you all there!"

~•~

I was bouncing foot to foot in the dressing room. Nervousness and excitement caused butterflies in my stomach.

Even thought this isn't my first time performing, I always get first night jitters. There's still an hour till the shower and I'm already freaking out.

We already spent four hours after school going through scenes and dances. Tech week and rehearsal week have been brutal this year.

I claimed the very last section of the dressing room for myself. This one has the window too anyways. I could hear all the other guys in the musical joking around in the middle section.

I need to start getting ready, but it's hard to. This year will be my last ever year performing for this school. It's bittersweet and almost surreal. I'll definitely be crying tomorrow.

"Hey Roman," A voice said, getting my attention. I looked up from where I was sitting at one of the mirrors to see Thomas.

Thomas was leaning against the wall at the entrance to my section. He had already changed into his costume, now waiting for makeup.

"I know you like being alone before performances but I just wanted to say it's been fun these past for years," Thomas told me. "I'll miss acting with you in college."

"I'll dearly miss you too," I responded. I got up and pulled him into a tight hug.

We used to hang out all the time but drifted when I started dating Virgil. He stayed with his group while I joined the one I'm currently in.

Quinn mentioned one time that he met Thomas that time when he disappeared for three days. I'm not sure if they kept in contact though.

"I wish you the best of luck in future shows you do," I told him when we pulled apart.

"Thanks, and the same to you," He said with a smile. "Break a leg!"

With that, he turned and headed away. I looked back at the mirror. I need to start getting ready. I checked to make sure no one was nearby.

Slowly, I pulled my shirt off. I looked at myself with hatred in the mirror. I could count all my ribs. Which is a good thing.

I need to look good tonight on stage. I'll look better in my costume this way. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

I fell back into my old ways when Virgil and I 'took a break' from each other. I basically just lived off ice cream and would only eat once a day.

Once Virgil moved in with Quinn, I'm not around other people all the time. No one notices when I don't eat. As long as it looks like I'm eating at lunch and I eat when Mom's looking, no one suspects a thing. If I keep being egotistical, they won't realize my true self image. Which is also good.

But now this is just so I look good for the musical. I'll start eating normally and I'll gain back the weight. Maybe not all of it.

Grabbing my costume, I pulled it one. I didn't want to look at myself. And I definitely don't need people knowing how I truly see myself.

Some days are good. I'll still see myself as a very handsome man. But sometimes the self hate hits hard and I don't eat. I'll be pretty this way.

I grabbed my makeup bag and did my best to make myself look even remotely pretty. We have to wear heavy makeup anyway during shows or the lights will wash out our faces.

I took a deep breath to calm myself. Tonight's going to be amazing.

~•~

Virgil POV
I sat apprehensively in my seat. This theater is huge. And extremely crowded. With all these people here, it's also very loud.

Roman has been very excited for tonight and that makes me happy for him. I love seeing him happy like that. He deserves that happiness.

Patton was sitting to my left, talking to Emile over Logan. Somehow, Logan didn't seem to mind the two of them talking over him. Just focusing intently on the book he was ready.

Remy was sitting on Emile's other side. He had the aisle seat. His arm was laid around Emile's shoulders.

Damien say to my right, Quinn on the other side of him. Then Evan and Remus. Damien was talking to me about something to do with corrupt government.

Roman's parents, Emile's parents and Evan's moms were sitting in the row behind us. We managed to get very good seats.

Interrupting our discussion, the lights started to dim. The directed walked up onto stage and people clapped.

"Thank you all so much for coming out here tonight!" He started with a smile. "The students in the drama department and I have been working on this musical for many months now. I can't thank them and everyone in the audience for all your continued support of all of this. We hope you enjoy the show and come again tomorrow. I give you; Aida!"

He handed the microphone to someone off stage before quickly getting back to the audience. The lights turned off completely and the orchestra started.

For the longest time, they just played in the dark. Than the curtains opened and there was a small set made to look like a pyramid with a girl standing in a blue dress on it.

She started signing and she did have a very good voice. Lots of dancers started coming on the stage. I could only hope and dream to dance like that.

After a long solo, she stopped singing and the chorus started. A few seconds later, Roman appeared on the set.

He looked absolutely gorgeous. Roman was singing his heart out amazingly. It looked like he belonged up there. Singing and acting. The bright lights on his face.

When the intermission came, I was heavily invested in the show. Will Radames and Aida manage to overcome their differences and realize their love for each other? Will Aida manage to save her fellow Nubians from slavery and return to their home country of Nubia. Will Zozor kill the Pharaoh? Will Princess Amneries and Radames actually get married?

All of the actors were doing amazing. Everything from the singing to the acting to the dancing was perfect.

Finally the musical started again. And it was just amazing as the first Act. I was almost in tears when it ended. A lot of people in the audience were crying, Patton included. The ending was absolutely heartbreaking yet beautiful.

But I won't spoil it for you.

The chorus came back onto the stage for curtain call. I stood up with everyone else and clapped. I can't wait to tell Roman how amazing he did. He's amazing at acting.

Roman came out from the set and bowed deeply. I clapped a loud as possible. But everything seemed to stop when the loud sound of groaning metal came from the stage.

With a loud snap that sounded almost like a gunshot, one of the lights came crashing down from the wings.

I will never forget the scream of pure terror that came from Roman as the light fell on him.