We're getting close to the end of this book

I think I'm terrified to end this book because I have no rebound book

When I ended DLMBG, I had this book to fall back on

I base a lot of my self worth around how my books do and if I don't have a book that's doing well that I'm currently working on, I fear I'm gonna start beating myself up about it

We're chapters from the end, and not many at that

And none of my other books are doing very good right now

I'm scared

Siiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhh

TRIGGER WARNINGS :

Remus POV
My head hurts.  But that's nothing compared to how much my heart hurts when I have to watch Evan have seizures. 

Evan was twitching and jerking violently.  Seconds later a doctor and two nurses rushed into the room.  Evan's heart monitor was beeping extremely quickly and I didn't like it. 

Usually I don't give a shit about other people's feelings.  But with Evan, Quinn and Damien, I care a lot.  I don't like seeing them in pain.  Usually I like hearing people scream in pain and fear but I don't want it coming for any of my boyfriends.

I didn't even realize how tightly I was holding onto Damien's arm until he had to pull me off.  I didn't bother with an apology, just watching wide eyed at Evan had a seizure. 

Slowly, Evan's screaming reduced to whimpers and then he fell silent.  His body stilled and his heart race seemed to slow down.  The doctor let out a relieved sigh and stepped away. 

He grabbed the clipboard at the end of the and stared writing something on the paper.  He conferred a bit with the nurses who then put something into his IV.

"We're going to have to up the dosage on his epilepsy medication right now,"  The doctor said while turning towards Damien.  "We're lucky we managed to control the seizure.  But it has reached the level where I'd he doesn't wake up, he will die.  And even if he does manage to wake up, seizures this violent could have possibly caused brain damage.  Which could result in severe memory loss, the loss of certain limb function and death."

I hate crying, but this brought tears to my eyes.  I quickly forced them away before anyone could notice. 

With that, the doctor and the nurses left the room again.  Damien let out a long sigh, wiping away the tears slowly sliding down his cheek. 

Quinn let out a chocked sob behind us.  I turned to see him.  He was curled up tightly with a hand clamped over his mouth.  Damien stood up and carried Quinn back over to us. 

"We'll leave you four alone,"  Virgil said, standing up from the couch.

"What?  No, we can't leave-"  Roman started to say but Virgil places a finger to his lips to shut him up. 

"They need time and we don't need to be here for this,"  Virgil told him. 

Roman stood up but walked over to me first.  He pulled me into a tight hug which surprised me.  I hugged back.

"Don't die Re,"  Roman mumbled, using my nickname from our childhood. 

"No promises,"  I couldn't help but laugh.

He laughed a bit too before pulling away.  He silently follows Virgil out of the hospital room.  Once the door shut, I didn't bother to stop the tears.

I know that Quinn and Damien won't judge me.  They were crying too anyways.  We all just held on to each other and cried.  Quinn sitting in my lap while Damien held both of us. 

Things wouldn't be right if one of us died.  We shouldn't be crying in a hospital room while wishing and hoping for Evan to wake up from a coma.

We should be at one of our houses.  Goofing around and kissing and cuddling.  Watching tv and eating.  Well, trying to get Quinn to eat. 

"Is he going to be okay?"  Quinn mumbled.  One of his hands was holding tightly to my shirt while the other held onto Damien's shirt.

"Yes,"  I lied for Quinn's sake.

"We're all going to be okay,"  Damien added.

"Don't lie to me,"  Quinn cried. 

I prayed to Satan that Evan would wake up.  That he's just open his eyes and be okay.  I'd give anything to keep my boyfriends safe.

Evan started moving again.  We all jerked our heads up to look at him.  He was moving his head back and forth slowly. 

Then, Evan opened his eyes. 

His beautiful green eyes.  He stared up blankly at the ceiling clearly confused.  Instantly, the three of us rushed over to him. 

Evan jumped a bit in surprise when we all leaned over him worriedly.  I started smiling and then I pulled him up for a hug. 

"Be careful with him,"  Damien chastised, but tried to hug him too. 

But Evan wiggled out of our arms and have Damien and I weird looks.  As if he didn't trust us.  Or as scared him. 

"Who are you two?"  Evan asked.

Those four words.  They managed to cut through my heart in the most painful way.  Fate sure is a bitch.

"What?"  Damien asked in reply.  "Evan...it's us, your boyfriends."

"N-No,"  Evan stuttered.  "Where's Quinn?  Why am I here?"

"I'm right here,"  Quinn mumbled.  Evan grabbed onto Quinn's hand quickly. 

"What's going on?  Who are these two?"  Evan asked.  "Wait, how are you here?  Your dad would never let you come to the hospital."

"He's dead,"  Quinn mumbled, worry clouding his gaze. 

"But I just saw him yesterday,"  Evan said determinedly.  "He threw the chair at you."

Quinn visibly paled which is surprising considering how pale he is already.  How much of his memory did Evan loose?

"What year is it Evan?"  Quinn asked.  Evan gave him a confused look.

"It's 2016,"  Evan replied finally.  "We start high school in four days.  And you're worried because we aren't going to the same school so we tried to get out for the day.  That's why your dad threw the chair at you."

Quinn pulled away from Evan and went back to the chair by the window.  He started sobbing and curled up again. 

I couldn't even process this.  The doctor did say Evan might loose bits and pieces of his memory, but four years?  How?!

"No, Evan it's 2020,"  Damien said gently.  "You're a high school senior.  I'm Damien and this is Remus.  We're your other boyfriends.  The four of us...we're in a poly relationship.  You had an accident..."

"I'm confused,"  Evan said.  "You're lying to me...this is true...this can't be real..."  He started breathing heavily in the way I've seen Quinn do before a panic attack.

A sudden burning anger filled me.  So much hatred towards everything.  At myself for not catching Evan.  At Damien's dad for causing this. 

I turned and stormed out of the room.  I need to get high or get drunk.  Or beat the shit out of someone for no reason other than I wanted someone to feel the same way I was.

A horrible pain in my heart.  The deep gut wrenching feeling of total pain and sadness.  I hate these feelings.  I wish I could rip out my heart so I didn't have to feel like this.

I stormed out of the hospital with no clue where I was going.   I just had to get away.  Away from all the pain of having a boyfriend that didn't even remember me.

Eventually I ended up back home.  I stormed into the house and slammed the door shut behind me.  I headed right to the kitchen, not bothering to look into the living room where everyone was sitting. 

The cabinets being devoid of any and all alcoholic substances only made me angrier.  I need to get drunk right now and forget this is happening. 

"Where the fucking vodka?!"  I screamed, slamming the cabinet door shut hard enough that it cracked.

I threw the fridge door open and managed to find an old beer bottle in the back on the bottom self.  I forced the lid off and took big sips of it.  I enjoyed the feeling as the beer burned its way down my throat.  I let myself start sobbing, both hating and loving it. 

But then someone took the bottle from my hand and without thinking I raised my arm to punch them.  But Roman easily caught my fist.

"Remus,"  Roman said sternly.  "What's going on?"

Everyone else had father around.  Virgil, Patton, Logan, Remy and Emile.  They all had worried and confused faces.

Well, Logan didn't look concerned.  He was a look of confusion and a bit of worry on his face.  He doesn't understand emotions.  Neither do I. 

"Evan woke up,"  I mumbled.

"Isn't that a good thing?"  Logan asked.  "There was a good possibility that he could die if he didn't wake up soon."

"No!"  I screamed, tempted to throw something at the nerd. 

"Remus calm down,"  Patton said in his dad voice. 

"He doesn't fucking remember anything!"  I screamed.  "He's thinks it's the fucking summer of 2016!  He only knows who Quinn is!"

I broke down sobbing again.  Anger at the world filled me again and I grabbed a knife from from its stand.  I turned and stabbed it repeatedly in the bowl of apples on he island. 

Then I chucked on of the apples at the window above the sink.  I hate this.  I fucking hate this.  I need the beer again.  I need to cut.

Everyone had backed away from me.  All of them standing back by the table now.  I probably looked insane. 

"Remus, please calm down,"  Roman said.  "I'm sure Evan will remember again.  It'll all be okay."