Waving you goodbye tonight, waving you goodbye. Watching you die alone in your lover's arms.

- What would you have done if you hadn't met me?

- I would have kept looking for you, I guess.

- Really?

- But of course. You are my soulmate.

- I wonder how many people you've told that.

- I won't deny it, but with you I mean it.

***

- Can you play some music?

Without replying you get up, grab your phone and plug it into the stereo, letting one of those songs I really like fill the silence of our room, then you go sit at the desk and dive back into the book you are reading, without looking at me.

You never look at me, lately. Your light blue eyes, so rare and unusual for a creature like you, are always looking somewhere else and, even when you look at me, you don't see me. I wonder if you can't find anymore the beauty that you used to say you had never found in anyone but me during your long life.

- Thank you.

My voice is so tired, but I never get tired of talking to you, even when you don't reply. I miss your voice. I wonder what goes on in your head.

- Is something bothering you, my love?

You look up from your book. There is no emotion on your young and beautiful face.

- No - you say, without adding anything else. Depriving me of the joy that your voice offers me. And you go back to reading.

I feel like I'm bothering you, I am annoying you just by looking at you, so I let my gaze wander around on the walls covered by books, my books and yours. Soon my books will be yours, because I will not be here anymore. You never told me how many books are actually yours and which have been given to you by... all those people. I don't know if I really want to know.

I want to know everything about you, but I realise that it will never be possible. Even after spending my entire life with you, I can't fully know you. It is not just a matter of time... I know that there are parts of you that you don't want to show me not even now that I am old and tired and ready to tell you goodbye. I feel, somewhere in the depths of my soul, that something has changed inside of you a long time ago. But I trust you... and I want to believe that, if my sixth sense isn't mistaken, you'd talk to me, you'd tell me what has changed, right? Right?

You sigh. I wish I could get up from the bed and massage your shoulders like I used to, when my hands were strong and would never shake, not even when I was paralyzed by anxiety or fear. But I don't have the strenght to get up and I don't think you would appreciate my touch.

You put down the book you were reading and take a different one, a big, dusty tome whose pages are yellow, thin and frail, ready to turn to dust under the sun like your diaphanous skin.

I want you to bury me in broad daylight, so maybe you will feel a little bit of pain, even though it will not be caused by my death. You have already said goodbye to an infinite number of people, I am not going to be any different, right? You will start over again, after me. As you always do.

My tired eyes want to cry.

- Turn the music off, please.

I prefer the silence, the one that has been accompanying us for decades. A loyal friend, that one day appeared at our door and began to slowly take up space in our life, before taking the place of the laughter and the sound of kisses and the long talks under the stars and the songs in the car and the "I love you"s whispered against the pillow.

You turn off the music and, unexpectedly, you sit on the edge of the bed, next to me, instead of going back to reading. Your cold hand finds mine. Your eyes avoid mine, focusing on our hands.

- Is there something else I can do for you? - you ask, kindly. I don't know. Can you love me like you used to? Loudly, carefree. I don't doubt that you love me and I'm aware that with time love changes, the routine sets in in our life together... but I miss the way you used to love me.

- No... nothing. You already do enough for me.

If I ignore your silence, your elusive gaze, your missing answers, you have never stopped taking care of me. I want to believe that you do it out of love, not out of habit.

***

I saw you being born (not literally. I didn't know about your existence, when this world welcomed you in it). I will watch you die. That is how your mortal life works. Loving you is so beautiful, and so tragic. You know how to transform your brief lives in something extraordinary. And you... you have painted my millennial existence with new colours, at least for a while. I don't remember when was the last time I loved someone like I have loved you. I have never stopped loving you, let's make that clear, but... I was wrong. I made a mistake. I thought you were my soulmate and I realised too late that you are not. Our story should have ended a long time ago, when I realised that you weren't right for me, but how could I leave you? How could I abandon you, after promising you that I would stay with you until the end, after all those years of burning passion? Your love could have turned me into ashes and I would have thanked you.

I know that you still love me like you did on day one. I can feel it from how you call me "my love", how you say my name, how you look at me, from the fact that you accept my silence and you never make me feel bad for anything, you endure everything, you adapt to everything. And I don't have the courage to tell you that I can't pretend anymore to love you like that.

That is the problem: I am a coward. Everything I have lived through since I was bitten hasn't taught me to be brave. To be brave and talk to you, look at you. I can't look at you anymore, but not because you have grown old, unlike me, or because I find you disgusting. No, your beauty hasn't withered, but my love for you has. If I looked at you, you would understand. Maybe you have noticed already. If I looked at you, you would kill me for real with the ardor of your love. But I can't die and I have to spend the rest of my eternity with this burden, knowing that I have taken your time and wasted it.

***

- Wouldn't you prefer to be with a person who will grow old with you and that one day will die, like you?

- No. Why do you ask?

- I don't know. Curiosity.

- Would you prefer to be with another vampire or immortal creature?

- No... it would be boring.

- Boring? Do you think that spending eternity with someone is boring?

- I didn't mean that. It's just... finding the right person is hard.

***

- Can you open the window, please?

I get up and open the window, letting the summer heat and the sounds of the night in.

- Thank you.

I go back to bed and I lay down next to you, avoiding to look at you. My eyes wander around the walls of our room, over your shoulder. Your light breath tickles my face.

It's your last night. I know by your heartbeat that is getting slower, your tired voice, by every little, insignificant detail. I know you so well...

I don't know what to do. It's not the first time that I say goodbye to someone I have loved, but you are different. You were different. And you want me to bury you in broad daylight, you made me promise that, and I always keep my promises, like I am keeping my promise now to stay with you until the end. I don't lack courage, I am just keeping my word. Who am I trying to fool... I should have found the courage to break my promise before the end.

It's too late to talk to you. I have to do the right thing... I have to let you go without letting you realise that our life together was a long lie.

I get closer to you, welcoming you in my arms. Your body isn't soft and warm like it used to be; wrinkles and scars constellate your skin and your bones are now protruding.

I don't have the courage to look at you - but I can't be a coward even while you are dying. Our eyes meet for the last time. Your hand, almost as cold as mine, weakly holds my hand.

- Atlas... - you whisper, smiling softly. I want to close my eyes, to look away, to run away. I feel like I am dying, even though you are the one who is dying, not me. - You should have told me. You should have told me...

Everything has been pointless. The efforts I made to keep you away from the truth have been in vain. One look was enough for you to read my thoughts... or maybe, who knows, you already knew. You've always been smart and your intuition has almost never failed.

I would like to say that I am sorry, that you are right, I should have told you, I am a coward; but I can't find the words, they are lost, buried under the pain that I am feeling in this moment.

- It doesn't matter, Atlas. Even vampires make mistakes. I forgive you.

I don't deserve your forgiveness. You could have found another person, a mortal, to spend the time you have spent with me, instead of living in a lie until your last breath. You deserved to share your life with someone who would have stopped loving you only in death. You deserved better...

- Thank you for keeping your promise - and, slowly, you close your eyes, forever.

***

The sun is high in the sky and unforgiving on my light and delicate skin, but I don't go back inside, even though my work is done. I want to look at the flowers on your tomb for a while more, while quiet tears run down on my face. I wonder if in the afterlife you are surprised to see me cry. I am not heartless, you know? I genuinely loved you and I haven't stopped platonically loving you even after the passion started fading and then died.

I am going to miss you. I didn't tell you... and maybe it's better this way. I didn't show you enough how much I appreciated your company and I didn't want you to think that I was lying to you. But I am really going to miss you.

I should have done differently so many things, too many things. Maybe, when I am done grieving, I will find someone new and I will not make the same mistakes I made with you. But right now... I can't stop the tears and the remorse is eating me alive.

- Goodbye...

I kept this promise, too. I buried you in broad daylight. You died alone in your lover's cold arms, but I hope you are happy, wherever you are, and may the sun warm you up like I could never do.

I wasn't the right person.