It's always been Seonghwa.

San only feels a sense of wanting when he's with Seonghwa. He's wired himself to think that Seonghwa is the one who brings out the best in him. He's the only person that's ever stuck around him so long, after all. Seonghwa has helped San through a lot in his life and continues to help him even now that they're older and San isn't constantly going through such unfortunate circumstances. Their lives are relatively much calmer now, yet Seonghwa remains,

Seonghwa grabs the back of San's head, entangling his fingers within San's hair as their kisses turn into a passionate make-out session. Their tongues fight for dominance until Seonghwa inevitably takes over, flipping San onto his back on the bed so now he's the one hovering over him.

"S-Seonghwa..." San pants when their kiss breaks with the sudden switch of position, his breaths heavy as he pants from exhilaration. His lids are hooded, looking up through his lashes at Seonghwa's beautiful features that make his chest ache in the best way.

"Is something wrong, Sannie?" Seonghwa asks as he caresses his face, genuinely caring about San's well-being. He doesn't want to hurt him or do anything he doesn't want to do, especially under the influence as they both often are.

"Ah... Nothing, I just... I love being with you," San's heart is pounding as he stares up at the boy on top of him. San has revealed his feelings for Seonghwa many many times over the course of knowing each other, and Seonghwa insists he feels the same way, but his words speak differently from his actions. So San has tried to stop himself from uttering the three words that he knows Seonghwa won't genuinely return. San can't accept that he feels the same way for him.

He just can't.

If Seonghwa felt so similar, why isn't he with him instead of with Yeosang? Sure he's with him now, but the cold hard truth is that if Yeosang were to show up right now, Seonghwa would go with him. San knows that Seonghwa means well by what he does, but he doesn't realize how much what he thinks is right, hurts others around him. Especially San.

Deep down, San feels that Seonghwa only ever said he loved him back so he wouldn't be sad by his rejection, but he shouldn't do that. That's how someone is going to get heartbroken... And San already is. He has been for a long time now.

"You know I love being with you too, San," Seonghwa whispers to him mindlessly, leaning back down to gently kiss all over the supple skin of San's neck, not leaving any marks on him. He brings his kisses up to eventually end on San's sweet lips again, going back to kissing him, each motion of his lips full of desire. Seonghwa's heart jumps when he feels San's hips try to grind up into his.

San can't control his body when he pulls Seonghwa down further onto him, needing to feel his every touch, every inch of his skin. His body floods with tingles as he runs his hands up under Seonghwa's shirt, feeling his tight back muscles contracting against his gentle touch. Their lips part to take a few deep breaths. San instantly nuzzles his face into Seonghwa's neck, sucking and nibbling all over it to distract himself from Seonghwa's words.

"San, you can't... Mmm," Seonghwa tries to tell San, not wanting him to leave any marks on his skin, but he can't help the groan of euphoria San's lips against his neck give him.

San moves one of his hands up to hold the back of Seonghwa's head firmly, "Ah, why not? You used to love when I would mark you..." He says through panting breaths, pressing their foreheads together. Every touch sends sparks through San, wanting more and more for Seonghwa to touch him back in the same way, but knowing he won't.

Seonghwa puts his hands on either side of San, holding himself up above him so he can look directly into his eyes, "I-" Seonghwa tries to start, but San kisses him again, afraid of the answer Seonghwa will give.

Seonghwa feels a pang straight through his chest, knowing he can't tell San that he and Yeosang have started to get more serious about each other. It would break him.

Yeosang has asked Seonghwa to try and stay away from San, but he just can't do it as easily as Yeosang wants. It would be impossible for Seonghwa to cut San out completely like that. He has this feeling deep inside of him that yearns for San, that will always yearn for San. There's no way he can just...

They hear the door to Seonghwa's room start to squeak open, similarly to his bed, and Seonghwa breaks their kiss, "Shit, I forgot to lock the damn door behind us..." His words trail off as he turns to look at who came in, stiffening immediately when his eyes fall upon the last person he'd want to walk in at a time like this.

Yeosang's eyes begin to well up with tears as he looks at the scene unfolding in front of him, "Seonghwa, I-..." He barely gets out, his eyes unable to look away from Seonghwa being on top of San. They were clearly kissing before Yeosang entered, having noticed their clearly messed up hair and swollen lips.

"Baby, it's not what it looks like," Seonghwa says frantically, getting off of San, but he hits his leg against the nightstand as he gets up. He winces, holding back from cursing in an attempt to reach Yeosang, whose face is contorted with pain.

San gently lifts his hand to Seonghwa's shoulder, worried that he got hurt, "Are you-" Seonghwa tugs his arm away from San's touch, cutting him off.

"Don't," Seonghwa warns, clearly annoyed, as he straightens out his clothing.

"You told me you would try to stay away from him!" Yeosang whines, seeing the nightstand where Seonghwa hit his leg and the straws that lie on top of them, "A-And you're doing coke again?" Yeosang turns his head away from him and starts walking away, his shoulders slumped and shaking ever so slightly.

Seonghwa had told Yeosang he was going to try and quit doing drugs, at least the hard stuff. Seonghwa tried to tell Yeosang that cocaine wasn't as hard as he thinks it is, but he didn't believe it. Not for one second.

Seonghwa instantly goes after Yeosang once he disappears from the doorway, leaving San on the bed alone without looking back. He has to apologize and fast. He really messed up this time.

San watches as Seonghwa leaves him, sitting up and staring down at the nightstand with a different kind of ache in his chest. Didn't Seonghwa tell him that he and Yeosang weren't very serious...? Why did Yeosang react that way?

San sighs, knowing he would be upset if he ever caught Seonghwa and Yeosang together like they just were. He's not even in a relationship with him and he knows the pain that would destroy him from the inside out. It has before. San slams his fist down onto the nightstand, "Fuck," he curses, letting out his pain.

San can feel the stinging of tears start to come to the surface, but he tries his best to keep them back, blinking fast in an attempt to wist them away.

When San manages to keep his tears at bay, he sees the baggie still on the nightstand with both of their straws lying on opposite sides, one about to roll off. He rubs his forehead with two fingers, wanting to do another line -- no, craving to do another line. He can feel his high from their first line already starting to wear off, and he doesn't want to deal with coming down just yet.

San feels his hand shaking as he picks up the baggie, pouring out a little hill of the white powder just like Seonghwa had done. He haphazardly straightens it out into a line with the edge of the plastic bag before he snorts up the entire thing.

An insane rush envelopes him, his sadness fading away and being replaced with an enhanced feeling of happiness, not caring that the drug is the only thing that's causing it.

Meanwhile...

Seonghwa is chasing after Yeosang, catching up to him after weaving through all the people at the party and he grabs hold of his shoulder, spinning him around to look him in the eyes, "Yeo... Please-" He begs.

Yeosang shifts his eyes away from his boyfriend trying to get him to meet his gaze, unable to look at him right now, "You told me that you would stop all this, Seonghwa. How can I trust your word when I catch you blatantly going against it?" He asks, needing answers desperately.

"I just got caught up in the moment... The-" Seonghwa hesitates for a moment, but he knows Yeosang saw it on the nightstand, "The coke makes me do things I wouldn't normally do... I'm sorry," He tries to hold Yeosang's cheek, wanting him to face him, "I'm sorry, Yeo."

Yeosang's eyes are filled with pain when he finally looks at Seonghwa, seeing his completely dilated pupils, "That's why you said you were trying to stop doing it," He sighs, "Did San make you do that with him?" Yeosang asks, wanting to know who was the one that initiated taking the drugs.

Seonghwa feels conflicted as Yeosang asks him this, not knowing what Yeosang would do if he knew that it was Seonghwa who initiated the entire thing. He doesn't know what to say. He just wants to do things right and do things how the people in his life like, but San and Yeosang are so different. He can promise something to one of them to bring a smile to their face, but then the other one wants him to go against it, and Seonghwa doesn't know what to do.

"You did it, didn't you?" Yeosang asks, figuring it out from Seonghwa's silence. This fact hurts him deeply, gritting his teeth as he speaks, "Why, Seonghwa? We just decided to become more serious, d-didn't we?" A tear streams down Yeosang's cheek and he angrily swipes it away, but that doesn't stop more from falling. It hurts him even deeper when he sees the red marks adorning Seonghwa's neck and Yeosang knows those marks weren't from him.

So many broken promises...

"I'm sorry, Yeosang... I know you shouldn't, but I'm begging you to forgive me," Seonghwa pleads, wiping Yeosang's face before placing a soft kiss on his cheek before returning his attention to look him in the eyes, "Please, Yeo...?"

Yeosang allows the kiss, making his brain and heart feel the most confusion he's ever felt. He curses the way his heart races with Seonghwa's touch, the way he so easily becomes putty in Seonghwa's hands.

What should I do?

"Will you please try to stay away from San...?" Yeosang asks as he forces himself to look away from the hickies on Seonghwa's neck that he knows San gave him. San always seems so clingy and needy towards Seonghwa, at least that's how Yeosang sees it. The cheating is hurting him more in the moment than the drugs Seonghwa did behind his back.

Yeosang knows Seonghwa has been doing drugs for years and will talk to him about that more later, but he needs an answer on this San situation right now. He wants Seonghwa to be his and his only. That is what being in a monogamous relationship with someone is, after all. Yeosang can't handle seeing his boyfriend with another guy, not again.

Seonghwa feels at a stalemate with Yeosang's words. He knows how San gets when he's alone and that worries him greatly. He doesn't want to have to stop being around San in the slightest, he's his best friend, and he's been his best friend since their freshmen year of high school.

Would he throw away eight years of friendship so easily?

To be honest, he doesn't know what San would do without him and that scares him badly. It has been a while since his last breakdown, given that December is coming, and he hasn't had one at any of the parties Seonghwa's held this month. Maybe it's time for San to try and actually open up to others for once though, Seonghwa thinks, wanting to justify what he's about to agree to.

San can't grasp onto him forever, he tries to tell himself. San needs to learn to be independent.

"I will try, Yeosang. I promise you," Seonghwa says, stroking Yeosang's cheek, hoping his reply sounds as genuine as he means it to be.

Yeosang melts into Seonghwa's hands fully, his words making a smile spread across his tear-stained face. It warms Yeosang's heart to hear that Seonghwa is willing to try and make things work between them, but he can't get rid of the little part of him telling him how harmful their relationship really is.

"Thank you, my love..." Yeosang whispers to him before giving him a loving kiss on the lips.

This is one of the reasons they thought they should make their relationship more exclusive and serious.

They were talking to each other one night and Yeosang had revealed how deeply he'd fallen for Seonghwa. Seonghwa reciprocated Yeosang's feelings, having been afraid of accepting them for a long time. They confused him just as much as everything else, unsure which of his feelings were genuinely real and which he thought were real. He can hardly trust his own mind anymore.

There was one question that kept echoing in Seonghwa's head the more he tried to sort out his thoughts and feelings.

Can I really love more than one person at once?

End of Chapter Two