"Good morning, San," Dr. Kim smiles and sits down in the chair across from the couch where San is already laying against the arm, legs curled up and stuffed under the throw pillows.

San hums, glancing towards behind Dr. Kim's head where the calendar was during his last visit, and a flash of appreciation crosses his eyes when he meets hers again, "Thank you..." He mumbles, knowing that she will know what he's thanking her for. She's a psych for a reason, yeah? At least, that's how San's always thought of her, just being able to read his mind without much explanation.

Even with the calendar not up, San still knows that Christmas is in a week's time, next Tuesday. It's something hard to not keep track of when it's held him in such a tight grip for years.

Dr. Kim pleasantly smiles back and crosses her legs, a silent 'you're welcome' tucked behind her closed lips before she begins the real session, "I didn't get to ask you in our last visit, but I was curious if Seonghwa was still in your life. I remember him being someone you brought up often in our previous sessions."

San swallows back the surprised look on his face, having expected her to bring him up, but for some reason, he really thought she wouldn't. He's glad though, knowing that he wasn't sure how to bring up what happened properly.

"He was... Until a few weeks ago, he uhm, he wanted to stop seeing me as much," San admits, "Really at all," He forces out a small laugh that settles into a frown, "His boyfriend didn't like us spending time together."

"Why is that?"

San lays his head back, resting it on the back of the couch as he stares up at the ceiling, "Hwa and I would still mess around. He didn't like that... He's not like me," he pauses for a while with a sigh, "Yeosang, he doesn't understand Seonghwa like I do, o-or did. Seonghwa doesn't like to be tied down to just one person, he doesn't do boyfriends, he's not a serious person in that way. For as long as I knew him, he never had only one person... When we'd go to parties, he would always find someone else, but when we left, he always came back to me... I accepted him, I-I," San hiccups, roughly rubbing his face to rid it from the tears he didn't realize were dribbling down, "I loved him... A-And when Yeosang came into the picture, I knew things were changing. I knew, but I didn't want to believe it, I just brushed it off and figured Seonghwa was just trying to make him happy because that's what Hwa does. He wants to make everyone happy. So when he told me not to leave marks on him anymore, not to use my nails to scratch him up anymore, I thought... I don't know..."

"Take your time, San," Dr. Kim encourages in a gentle tone, "We're in no rush here, okay?"

San takes a moment, stewing in the way his chest and throat are tightening up and straining from the tears he attempts to hold back, "Maybe he just never found the right person before that... Maybe I wasn't made for him like I always wished and thought I was. Whenever I thought about the future, my future, the first thing I saw was never even myself. It was him. A-And... I think that was the problem," He lifts his head and looks at Dr. Kim, who's looking right back at his bloodshot eyes with a calming expression.

"Could you explain that further?"

"I don't even know who I am, I never did, and I want to so badly now... I feel so lost now like I'm an empty, soulless body walking around trying to find where I'm supposed to go or where I'm supposed to fit in and I can't. I don't even paint anymore... It feels like I've forgotten how to."

"Why do you feel like you don't know yourself?"

San's bottom lip trembles, "I feel," He takes a slow, deep breath, "I feel like I spent so much of my life trying to be what Seonghwa would've liked, and what he would've wanted me to be, that I don't recognize who the real me is. Like right now... Am I still trying to be the one 'made for Seonghwa' or is this the real me? B-Because I don't like who I am right now, Dr. Kim," San's words fall apart at the end, a single tear streaming down his red cheek and down to pool on his chin.

"Who are you right now, San?"

"I'm... I-I keep slipping up. Recently, I actually met someone new," He chokes out a laugh again, but a small smile appears on his face, "And I think he might be good for me. His name is Wooyoung, and he introduced me to his younger brother Jongho and his friend Kyelin, and they're all just so nice and welcoming... They're so wonderful," He says in a dreamy voice, "They even got me to try out this game they like to play, and as we were playing, I felt the inspiration to want to paint again. I wanted to paint one of the characters on one of the cards..."

"Tell me more about Wooyoung," Dr. Kim says, wanting to lead to something lighter before going back into the heaviness that she knows will make its way back around.

An image of a smiling Wooyoung flashes into San's mind and his eyes soften, looking down into his lap at where he's been picking at his nails and nailbeds, "He's been helping me out a lot, getting me to do things without being pushy or deceitful. It's like... He really wants me to be happy, you know? He's so caring and positive, and god... The best big brother that Jongho could ask for," San lifts his legs up onto the couch to wrap his arms around them, laying his head on his knees as he continues gushing, "We're all going to this thing on Friday night, and then Woo invited me to go dancing with him on Saturday night..."

Dr. Kim notes how much San smiles when talking about Wooyoung, but San isn't finished.

"It makes me so afraid... So afraid that it's all going to go away, and I hate feeling like that. I hate it so much," San whines, "I want to change, I don't want to be like this anymore... I want to be a b-better person," He hides his face in himself, his voice coming out raspy, "I just never thought I would make it this long to see it really happen. It's like I'm living in the past trying to break free to finally live in the present, but I can't stop."

Dr. Kim knows, of course, what went on in San's past from his previous sessions, so she sits without a sound to allow San to talk about it again now that he's older. To see how he explains it, and see if how he's dealing with the trauma is different than when he was younger.

"Y-You know what's coming up," San mumbles, "I just... I just want to be happy. I want to be able to move on a-and stop relying on things from the past that continuously brings me back down... It's like I can't accept anything good for myself. I've become just like them, Dr. Kim..." He looks back up at her in shame, "I don't want to do it, I don't... I try to stop, but something happens and I find myself right back at square one. I feel like I'm sabotaging myself."

"You should try to do something for yourself again, San. Even something small, okay?"

San nods slowly, "I'll try to."

Dr. Kim stands up and goes to her desk for a moment, San watching her with curious eyes as she pulls something out and walks back over. When she holds out her hands to San, he looks down and sees something so familiar to him.

A small square painting of a bird with two heads sharing one pair of wings painted entirely in shades of blue. The two-headed bird is suspended in the air because they're both trying to move in opposite directions, but the resistance from either side keeps the bird in the same spot.

"Do you remember when you painted this for me?"

San subtly nods once, still staring at the painting that he'd done years ago, remembering that he just painted how he felt when Dr. Kim handed him the paper and a few pots of acrylic. Back then, he couldn't properly convey how he was feeling with his words, so he did so through a different medium, "It's me."

Dr. Kim nods too, "Do you think you could paint me something else someday, San? I want to see the 'you' now."

San rests his feet back onto the floor, giving the painting back to her, "I will let you know when I'm able to do that," He takes a breath and stands up, "I think I'm done for today..."

"One second, San," Dr. Kim sets down at her desk with her computer, typing a few things while she talks, "I'm going to try you on the weekly meds instead of the bottle like we did last time, okay? You'll have to go to the pharmacy more often, but I believe this will help in the long run."

San nods with a small smile, "Thank you, Dr. Kim..."

Once San leaves the office, he begins his drive home with a warm smile on his face. He doesn't want to go downtown, he doesn't want to go to Seonghwa, he just wants to go home. His own home, and he wants to paint, to do something for himself.

And he feels excited about it.

As soon as he gets through the door, he quickly goes to the hall closet where he remembers throwing the tote full of his art supplies into who-knows-how-long ago. He digs out a fist full of fiery-colored tubes of acrylic, finding them perfect for what he has in mind. When trying to find a canvas, however, the two that were tossed in here got damaged and already had some kind of art already started on them, so San settled on the tubes and brushes from the closet and went to the kitchen.

"Surely there's something, right?" San mumbles to himself, setting his phone on the kitchen table along with his supplies, "Hmm..."

San opens the cabinets and smiles widely at one of the large plates, pulling it out, "This'll do for now," He can't contain his excitement any longer as he puts the ceramic plate on the table and starts unscrewing the paint tubes to squeeze out a few dollops of each color.

Ring!

San doesn't look at his phone when he hits the answer call button, "Hello?" There's a certain cheer behind San's simple greeting that makes the person on the other side of the line's heart beat an extra palpitation.

"Hey beautiful," Wooyoung's soothing voice comes through the speaker, "I'm on lunch right now and thought I'd give you a call. What are you up to, baby?"

"Woowoowoo," San repeats eagerly, "Guess what I'm doing right now," He smears the paint all over in a calculating manner with his paintbrush, going off memory of what Chandra looked like when Jongho showed him all the Magic cards.

"Hmm..." Wooyoung thinks for a moment, the smile unrelenting from his face, unable to stop due to the happiness lacing San's already lovely voice, "I'm not sure, Sannie, tell me about it."

San finishes the underpainting and wishes he had more surface area to paint on rather than this uneven plane of a plate he chose, "I'm painting again, I'm really doing it! I-" San takes a deep breath, realizing he should probably calm himself just a little bit, "Can I come over tonight to show it to you? I'm going to for sure finish it by the time you're off work."

A swarm of warmth envelops Wooyoung's body, feeling so incredibly proud and happy for San, "That's amazing, San! What are you painting?"

"You'll see, you'll see! So can I come?"

Wooyoung chuckles, "No, baby, I'll come to you, okay? Do you still have the bag of clothes I brought over a few weeks ago?"

"Mhm, it's been in my room waiting for your return," San giggles back at Wooyoung, getting even giddier if possible. He hasn't felt this much genuine passion and joy in a while, and god does it feel good.

Indistinct voices come from Wooyoung's end of the line, causing him to be quiet for a moment, replying to whoever was near him before coming back to San, "I'll see you very soon, okay, Sannie? One of my co-teachers needs help with her lesson plans. You keep painting, put on some music, and I'll be there right when I get off," Wooyoung smiles into the receiver, "I can't wait to see you, and your painting."

"Awww, okay," San says playfully, "See you soon, Woo~"

꘎ ♡ ━ ꘎ ━ ♡ ꘎

"Yeah, I kept your bag in my closet," San smiles as he leads Wooyoung through his house and into his room, opening up the closet to dig out the backpack of Wooyoung's clothes.

Wooyoung doesn't take his eyes off of San the whole time he walks him back, not just seeing the happiness, but feeling it radiating off of him, and god, does it make Wooyoung's heart swell. He'll never forget the times he's helped calm him down from his panic attacks previously, and he's not saying there won't be times they happen in the future, because there likely will be, but seeing him like this... Especially given the timing and his past, Wooyoung couldn't be more proud.

"Here you go," San hands him the backpack, catching Wooyoung staring at him with a wide smile, "Better blink, Woo, your eyes might dry out," he teases.

"But if I blink, I'll miss a second of seeing you, and that just can't happen," Wooyoung matches San's smile and leans in to give him a soft kiss on the lips, which San falls into easily, unwilling to part, but he eventually lets him go.

San pokes Wooyoung's chest, "You change into your pajamas, I'll do the same, and then I'll show you my painting and tell you about my day because I'm sure you're dying to know, hmm?" The sparkle in San's eye is unmissable, so happy to be here now with Wooyoung, his boyfriend, so casually.

This is how it was always supposed to be.

San turns to look back at the closet to pick out some pajamas of his own, filing through the hangers quickly at first, but he gradually slows down as a realization hits him.

Every single piece of clothing that hangs in this closet doesn't belong to him.

He doesn't have any clothing that are actually his own.

They're all Seonghwa's.

"What's wrong, baby?" Wooyoung shrugs on his comfortable fleece pants the rest of the way and comes back to lay his chin on San's shoulder, looking at what he's looking at, "Can't choose?"

"They're, uhm, not mine," San says, glancing at Wooyoung on his shoulder, "The clothes, I mean. I think I want to donate these and get some new ones. They... don't feel like me anymore."

Wooyoung smiles toothily, kissing San on the cheek, "How 'bout I take you out Saturday morning before we go dancing to shop for some clothes? Clothes that are yours and yours alone."

San likes the sound of that.

A lot.

It's time to fully, and wholly, let Seonghwa go.

End of Chapter Twenty