Sitting down on the couch that brings back so many memories, many of which that he'd rather not remember, San looks around at the cluttered walls. They may look cluttered at first glance, but if he looked closer, they were rather organized and seemed to be thought out as to where every frame and plaque should go to fit perfectly. However, as he's scanning over the walls, San's eyes linger on one thing in particular.

A calendar, a cat-themed one, to be specific. The date circled in red sharpie with his full name 'Choi San' written below it to match.

December 1st

He knows his heartbeat quickens and he forces himself to look away from the dreaded piece of glossy paper pinned to the wall, instead, focusing on this big ceramic head on the table in front of him labeling every part of the brain with what San would call 'psych humor' instead of the real scientific words.

Anything to take his mind away from the calendar.

When he notices it creeping back in, he tries to look at the photo of a cat above the actual calendar part, making him think of Wooyoung. He's glad Wooyoung is now occupying his mind, allowing him not to really see the Christmas tree behind the cat.

"San," A warm voice causes San to look towards the door, seeing Dr. Kim walk in and sit in front of him in the armchair that matches the couch he's on, "It's been a while since our last session, hasn't it?"

San nervously shrugs, avoiding eye contact, "I guess."

"You contacted me about restarting your-"

"Meds, I want to get back on them," San says, cutting her off, hating how rude it was, but he can't help but want to leave. He's starting to feel vulnerable like he always used to when he sat in here with Dr. Kim, "I stopped taking them a while ago..."

"How did you feel when you stopped taking them, San?" Dr. Kim keeps her eyes on him, giving him her full undivided attention, no pen and paper to jot down every word he says like in the movies. San always liked that about her.

San stays quiet for a while, his eyes flicking towards the calendar before he lays down, thinking that if he lays back on the couch, the calendar will be less visible, "Better at first, I guess. I didn't like the thought of taking pills every day," He admits, "It made me feel..." Like my parents.

A moment of silence passes before Dr. Kim speaks again, wanting to give San time to say anything else if he was going to, "And later?"

"Later..." San sighs, an aching in the back of his head flaring up.

San scrambles to the bathroom, tears streaming down his face as he opens up the medicine cabinet, "Wh-Where are they? Where are they?" He sobs, the faint Christmas melody coming from the radio he and Seonghwa were listening to while they were decorating.

♫ I'll be home for Christmas

If only in my dreams ♫

San falls to the floor along with the various pill bottles, none of them being the right one.

That's when he remembers the night he opened that little orange container and poured all of the pills into the toilet bowl, flushing them down the drain, adamant that he wouldn't become addicted to them. He would make sure of that by doing this. He couldn't take them anymore.

The melody came to an abrupt stop as soon as San dropped to the floor, Seonghwa immediately enveloping him in his arms whispering apologies and stroking his hair.

"I still knew the reason I stopped taking them, but there was a part of me that knew they would've helped me," San says, but quickly goes on, "But I also hated that as well... Feeling like I was being dependent on them, I guess," He tries to explain, laying all of his feelings on the table, "L-Like, I knew the memories and thoughts would stop if I took them, but knowing that I needed the pills to make them go away is what bothered me. I don't know why I can't get them to go away just on my own. Just me."

"Sometimes it's hard to do everything by ourselves," Dr. Kim says, "Sometimes we need help, and that's okay, as long as we don't overindulge that help."

"I never took more than my prescription for it... I don't know, it just felt... Weird?" San can't describe the feeling perfectly, but he hopes that Dr. Kim can understand what he's trying to say. She used to have this strange way of being able to do that, and sometimes it would unsettle him, but mostly, it made him glad. To feel like someone finally understood.

"Maybe having the full pill bottle was the issue. We could try weekly packets instead," Dr. Kim suggests, "That way, it might not feel like you have so much at your disposal."

San thinks it over, turning his head to look at Dr. Kim, but in the midst of doing so, he sees the cat and Christmas tree from the calendar peeking over her shoulder, taunting him. His head only pulses more from how hard he's thinking and from the memories bubbling back up, and he wishes it would all just go away. It's been a while since he's had a headache, and this is the last place he wants for them to start coming back.

"Are you still experiencing flashbacks, San?"

San didn't realize how long of a silence passed until Dr. Kim asked another question, his eyes focusing back on her for a second before he faces the ceiling again, "I... Yes..." He felt the odd urge to lie, but he didn't, "E-Especially, uhm," San's heart starts to race, the third-person image of his father holding him up to a shining tree, his mother handing him an unlit star with a cord poking out the back.

"Put the topper on, Sannie!"

"Especially now," He whispers, swiping at his eyes and he abruptly sits up, "I-I... I think that's all I can do for today, I'm sorry," Getting up from the couch and quickly moving toward the door to go, "Can... Can you, uhm, please take the calendar down before my next visit...?"

With that, San leaves, not waiting to hear Dr. Kim's response, only knowing that he wants to get out of here. Not that he knows where he'll go or where he should go, but he just has to get out.

His mother takes his hand and helps him put the plug into the outlet, the tree and the star topper coming to life as soon as he turns around.

"Isn't it beautiful, Sannie?"

San gets into his car and starts driving, not paying much attention to where he's going until he realizes that he's ended up downtown, just like he was days before.

Mingi still hasn't replied to him, and at this point, he wouldn't be surprised if he blocked his number.

He was supposed to be going over to Wooyoung's house tonight to start learning Magic with Jongho and Kyelin.

But... What would a little pitstop downtown hurt?

The indulgent part of his mind creeps in, and no matter how much San didn't want to do anything like that anymore, it's still there pushing him closer to the edge.

Until he falls.

San pulls off of the street, badly parallel parking and nearly hitting the grey minivan that's parked in front of him. Thank god he's not that terrible of a driver, or else that would've taken a chunk out of his bank account, where he still has money from his parent's life insurance. The only thing that's been keeping him afloat the past few years, if he's honest. He could never bring himself to work.

He gets out of the car, slamming the door harder than he expected before he stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jacket and starts walking down the broken sidewalk, trying his best to keep his head down. He only raises it to glance at people, trying to find the right kind of people.

Passing over a few shadier-than-he-want-to-deal-with people, he's frozen when he catches sight of a familiar-looking face that's slipping drugs to people inconspicuously.

The heavy piercings and inked skin sticking out in his mind like a sore thumb, brought together in a perfect drug-filled bow when he sees the messy black hair and shit-eating grin.

Is that... Hongjoong? Kyelin's brother?

Wait... is he?

San doesn't expect him to catch his eye, meeting for a second longer than wanted. Shit. San turns around and starts going the other way, back toward his car, but is quickly stopped in his tracks when he hears that voice.

"Hey! Sexy piece of ass, is that you?

Hongjoong is by San's side with a sly smirk in no time, wrapping an arm around his shoulder like they're old friends.

"What are you doing 'round here, pretty boy? You know what goes on in this part of town?" Hongjoong nudges him with his hip.

San avoids eye contact with Hongjoong, glad his shaking hands are hidden in his jacket pockets, "I wasn't doing anything," He mumbles, "I was, uh, shopping for gifts or whatever..."

Hongjoong narrows his eyes with a laugh, "Mmm, what, you gonna buy Woo a pack of cigarettes or sumn for Christmas?" He teases, knowing that the nicest gift he's going to get around here would be a carton of Marlboro Reds. But, Hongjoong knows better. The only reason people come downtown is for one thing.

"No, uh-"

"I've got some stuff, you know?" Hongjoong starts, his lips spreading to show a more toothy smile, "Good gifts, alright. Though, I'm not sure Woo will like any of them," He can't help his small chuckle.

San realizes that Hongjoong is offering to sell to him, but he still looks anywhere but at him, choosing to look at the sky as he says, "Is it... going to snow soon?"

Hongjoong takes his arm away from holding San, using both of them to open up his coat and dig around, "It is," He pulls out a small plastic bag, the kind that San's grown accustomed to, "Y'know, I'm surprised you like this kind of weather."

San hears the sound of plastic and looks down, seeing Hongjoong's gloved hand holding a little baggie, which San quickly takes and shoves into his own pocket, "Y-Yeah," He replies nervously, pulling out his wallet, looking up at Hongjoong to see how much.

Hongjoong doesn't answer, but takes his wallet instead, picking out a few bills, "Hm... San, how 'bout you come to a party of mine this weekend? Gimme your phone."

San doesn't have much time to say anything before Hongjoong grabs the phone from his hands and immediately opens the notes app, typing in an address before tossing it up in the air with another laugh.

"See you then, yeah?"

San gasps and catches his phone, his heart feeling like it's about to jump out of his chest at the thought of it hitting the concrete. He looks back up to where Hongjoong was, but he's gone already.

"Yeah..." San says to no one, shoving his hands back into his pockets on his way back to his car, feeling slightly guilty as he twiddles the bag of white powder between his thumb and index finger.

The guilty feeling doesn't last long though, apparently, because as soon as San closes the driver's side door behind himself, he's already dumping out a small pile onto the center console. The dull ache in the back of his head easily numbs itself away, and he can't find a reason to be guilty anymore.

꘎ ♡ ━ ꘎ ━ ♡ ꘎

"Did you have a good day, Sannie?" Wooyoung kisses his temple as he sits down next to San, Jongho, and Kyelin all sitting around the coffee table, cards scattered around. He was looking at Kyelin for a moment, wondering if she knows what her brother does.

San turns away from Kyelin and smiles up at Wooyoung, but it falters a bit when he remembers what he did, "Me? Uhm, I guess, but I was really just looking forward to this all day."

"Oh yeah, I'm sure spending your night with these nerds has been top of your list of things you want to do," Wooyoung giggles, but gaps when a card deck box (that's thankfully empty) hits him in the cheeks, "HEY!"

"We're not nerds!"

"We totally are though, Jongie."

"Well, that makes you one too, Woo," Jongho rolls his eyes, "What are you doing here anyway? You don't even play with us anymore."

San watches the two brothers fight, finding them amusing as they can't truly be mean to each other. It's more teasing and bickering than anything.

Wooyoung lays his head on San's shoulder, looking up at him, "Just wanted to help."

Kyelin and Jongho both give each other a knowing look after seeing Wooyoung and San acting all lovey-dovey, the best friends making a fake vomiting action at the same time.

San giggles, "So what do I do first?"

It took San a minute to catch on, but Wooyoung, Jongho, and Kyelin were all there to help him. San got a bit preoccupied with the beautiful-looking art that decorated the cards, a million spurts of inspiration to paint flooding his mind as he learns the basics of playing the card game.

"Sannie, you have to untap your lands at the beginning of your turn," Wooyoung says, turning the land cards that are used to cast the spells and abilities of the game so that they're horizontal again rather than at an angle.

"I was going to after I drew," San whines, having already picked up the one card you draw from the deck at the start of your turn.

Jongho jumps in, "Yeah, but you have to untap before you draw."

San groans, helping Wooyoung untap the rest of his lands and other cards, "Fine, fine... I just don't see why I can't after I draw," He narrows his eyes at everyone, but can't keep the smile from coming to his face as he breaks into a giggle.

"Honestly, I was the same when I started too, San," Kyelin smiles, "I would always draw immediately and then do everything else."

Jongho nods in agreement, "She did! One time when we first were starting to go to Friday Night Magic and various mini-tournaments, Lin was playing against this jackass of a guy who couldn't stand it."

Kyelin rubs her wrists uneasily, "He ended up grabbing my wrist and yelling at me about how I needed to untap before drawing. Another of our friends was next to me and gave me the most scared face I'd ever seen, not knowing what to do, but Jongho was out of his seat instantly," She chuckles, looking over at Jongho, "He pushed the guy from his seat and was about to beat him up when the supervisors over the event asked us all to leave."

"Jesus... What a dick," San frowns, "I'm sorry that happened, Kyelin."

Kyelin waves her hand as if it's no big deal, but on her face, she's noticeably still a little put off by the memory, "Don't worry, we don't go to that area anymore and we never saw that guy again."

"Good, or else your big brother from another mother would have to finish what Jongho didn't," Wooyoung says, a protectiveness in his voice, "You two should've told me that happened... Was it that one time when you called to go home early?"

Kyelin and Jongho meet eyes and nod, "Yeah," They say in unison, Kyelin speaking afterward, "But, we handled it, Woo."

"I just want you two to stay safe, okay?" Wooyoung gently squeezes San's hand under the coffee table, "The next event you guys go to, I'll come too, okay?"

San watches Wooyoung with a small smile on his face, wishing that he had some sort of older brother figure while he was growing up. All he had was his parents and eventually Seonghwa, but he never pictured Seonghwa as an older brother, far from. He wonders how he would've turned out differently if there was someone else there for him during everything with his parents.

"Yes! I was just about to ask San if he wanted to come to FNM next week," Jongho says excitedly.

Wooyoung nudges San, "Then I'm definitely going. That is, if you want to go, Sannie."

San looks around at the three of them, his chest feeling warm from Wooyoung wanting to be around him and from Jongho and Kyelin asking him to hang out with them.

He's making friends... Real friends.

"Of course I'll go," San shows a big smile, his dimples coming out, which Wooyoung quickly pokes his fingers into, whispering about how cute he is. San's heart only grows fonder of him with each compliment, wondering if this is how it feels to have someone want you as much as you want them.

"Now, here's the real question," Kyelin giggles, leaning forward with a spread of six cards, "Who is your favorite character that features on the card art?"

The six cards that Kyelin splays out to San are:

Chandra, a woman with fire as hair and balls of fire in her hands.

Gideon, a long haired man with impressive armor.

Jace, a hooded man with bright blue eyes and equally as bright blue scripture shining out from his hands.

Liliana, a woman with scary red eyes that could kill with one look.

Nicol, a large and powerful-looking dragon.

Nissa, an elvish woman that looks like she's one with nature and is also wielding a staff.

San doesn't hesitate in his choice, pointing to the first one, Chandra, "She looks really cool," He admits.

Kyelin's eyes light up, "Chandra is SO cool, San! Impeccable taste," She giggles, "She's exactly how she looks, a fiery and volatile personality. She's also adamantly independent, right, Jongie?"

Jongho nods in agreement, but goes on, "She's not as cool as Jace, but she's alright."

"Don't worry, San, you'll learn all the lore and other stuff eventually if you want to," Kyelin says before she and Jongho begin discussing and bickering about the characters.

San holds the card of Chandra in his hands, "I want to paint her," He says under his breath, not expecting anyone to hear, but Wooyoung does, of course.

"You should," Wooyoung smiles and sets his chin on San's shoulder, "I'd love to see your art, Sannie. I didn't know you paint."

"I used to... I haven't in a long time, though," San sighs, "You really think I should?"

"Hell yes! And I think I should be the first one you show it to," Wooyoung looks up at San, "I'll be like your muse," He chuckles, "What do you think? I could even model for you."

San blushes when he meets Wooyoung's eyes, "Model for me, eh?"

Wooyoung's smile becomes rather sinister, "Nude, if you want. I'd be a pretty sexy French girl." he shoots him a playful wink.

San bursts into laughter, wrapping his arms around Wooyoung as he laughs into his chest, "Ahh, I'm not sure I'd get much work done then."

"Mm, a different type of work," Wooyoung kisses the top of San's head.

San can't wipe the smile from his face, feeling this overwhelming sense of happiness in being here. It almost masks the guilt he feels for earlier when he slipped again, remembering the address of the party that Hongjoong typed into his notes.

One that he hates to admit he will probably attend, the burning desire to feel high overtaking his anxiety of being around that many people.

But, maybe he won't go.

Maybe if he lets himself get high off of happiness instead, then he can forget all about the party, about Hongjoong, about the drugs.

Maybe... If San wasn't so used to happiness leaving, never to stay longer than a normal high would. If happiness wasn't so hard to come by. If happiness was a thing that he could buy with what's left of the money he's got stored away in his bank account.

Then maybe it would be enough, but San is too afraid to take the risk.

He wants something dependable and trustworthy, something he knows won't inevitably let him down.

Maybe that something could turn into someone.

End of Chapter Seventeen