The next morning, San wakes up with a loud continuous groan, rubbing his eyes in a hope they won't be blurred by sleep when he opens them, but it's no use. He blinks rapidly a few times, and turns his head to the other side of him, seeing no one, but he does notice that he's not on a bed. He's on the floor, a blanket thrown over him haphazardly, tangling in his legs, and he assumes that happened during his slumber.

"Where am I?" San croaks out, exhaustion present in his voice as he sits up, the blanket falling in a pool around his lap. A breeze instantly hits his bare chest, wait, bare chest?

San starts to freak out a bit when he realizes that he's not just bare on top, but on the bottom too, only the thin blanket shielding his naked body from the air surrounding him.

Why the hell am I naked? What happened last night?

San tries to rack his brain for the memories, but nothing comes at his will. He then tries to go for his phone, forgetting his situation for a moment before coming to terms that if he has no clothing, he has no phone.

He looks around and doesn't see anyone in the room he's in, but he does see a bed a few feet from him. He begins to wonder if he fell off somehow, but he can't be sure.

Wrapping the blanket securely around himself, San gets up and leaves the room, trailing down the hallway to try a few different doors until he eventually ends up in an oddly familiar room with a loveseat in the corner. A lit up phone screen shining from it catches his eye and he hurries over, picking it up and immediately recognizing it as his lost phone.

San hits the home button again after the screen went black and is met with a mass of notifications.

Missed calls from Seonghwa (6)

Voicemail from Seonghwa (1)

Seonghwa

San, where are you?

Are you safe right now?

Was that Hongjoong? Please get away from him as fast as you can, Sannie.

He's bad news.

San?

Answer the phone, please.

Call me as soon as you see this

Wooyoung

Goodnight, Sannie <3 I hope you sleep well tonight, sweet dreams~ <3

Good morning beautiful~ Would you like to hang out today?

Looking through the first notifications makes him worried, wondering why Seonghwa would call him so many times like that.

Should I call him...?

San then gets to the messages from Wooyoung and his heart flutters, but as fast as he warms up, he cools back down and the guilt starts to set in, afraid of what he did last night to wake up naked on the floor of someone's bedroom. He didn't... Did he? San's worries start to eat at him like termites.

He and Wooyoung may not be officially together yet, but he could feel it coming, and he was ready for it.

He was, at least, he thought he was.

But now, the warm fleece being the only thing covering his bare body that he shared with Wooyoung not too long ago, he's terrified that he messed up everything that he was building with the boy that brought light into his dark and shadowy life. 

Maybe he will be able to explain everything to him... and maybe Wooyoung will forgive him.

In the midst of San's internal struggle, a hand claps onto his blanketed shoulder, freaking him out even more, but he sees the raccoon eyes of Hongjoong, who clearly didn't care to wipe his dark, heavy makeup off last night. He's shirtless and his completely tattooed torso is on full display for San's wandering eyes.

Seeing him makes San remember being with him last night and he panics, realizing that if he did what he thinks he did, then he must've done so with Hongjoong. Kyelin's older brother. All roads in San's body lead to heartache, knowing that Wooyoung would find out about what he did so fast.

We're not dating. We're not dating...

But...

I want to... I want to so badly...

But, am I ready?

San clenches his teeth before he meets Hongjoong's eyes, needing to know the answer one-hundred percent before he lets himself spiral completely and drive directly to Wooyoung's house to apologize and beg for forgiveness on his knees, "Hong- Did we, uh," San stutters, his throat incredibly dry and making it hard for him to get any form of a sentence out.

"Nah, we didn't fuck, pretty boy," Hongjoong sighs with a dopey smirk on his face, "You were high off your ass, goin' on n' on about how tired you were. Whining about Woo while you stripped down to nothing," He let out a loud laugh, "Goddamn, you were hilarious, kid. Can't say I didn't wanna, though, but I ain't fuckin' with someone that can't agree."

Looking down at San's state, Hongjoong chuckles even more, "I see you didn't bother finding clothes in my room? I'm not really sure what you did with yours, so gimme a min."

With that, Hongjoong leaves the room and comes back with a random shirt and sweats, San waiting there, freezing his buns off, until Hongjoong shoves the clothes into San's chest.

"Here," Hongjoong says and then hums for a moment before continuing, "So, uh, I hate to kick you out, but my sister's comin' over soon and I ain't tryna have any addicts lurking around, y'know? Even hot ones," He winks, but San stills at his words.

Addict...?

Is that what I am?

The word rubs him wrong, knowing it's what he always called his parents and what everyone else called them too. He never wanted to be like them, yet here he is. Never say never, he guessed.

Every December it seems to be getting worse, and on the surface, it doesn't look like it's getting better, but San feels like he doesn't have to be like this forever. He met Wooyoung and Jongho and Kyelin recently, and they seem like good people, they even introduced him to a new hobby that he can see himself really getting into.

Speaking of Magic, he remembers the other night when he was looking at the cards while learning, Jongho gave him one of his spare decks to practice with and added a Chandra card in there just for him.

San doesn't want to do this anymore. He needs to stay away from drugs and all the shady people, and for good this time. He knows that. He's known that for a while now...

"Y-Yeah, no problem," San realizes he has to get out of here and get back to his house where he can sort everything out with everyone, getting dressed in the clothes that he found.

"See you soon?" Hongjoong questions, one corner of his lips perking up as he turns around to pick up a few more things before Kyelin arrives, not expecting an answer.

As soon as San is about to turn the knob to leave, mumbling incoherently in reply to Hongjoong but he gasps loudly when the door opens in on him and he bumps into someone. Not just someone, but Kyelin, of course she's already here.

"I- Oh, sorry I was just leaving," San tries to hide his wide eyes, but Kyelin catches them and narrows her eyes in confusion as San brushes past her without stopping, pushing right through the intense awkwardness that just clouded around them so thick it was hard to see.

San's brain runs a mile a minute as he speed walks to his car, immediately putting 'schedule another psychiatrist appointment' at the top of his mental to-do list, right alongside 'be more honest with everyone, especially himself'.

He needs to start working on himself seriously this time and not allow the little lies he feeds to himself get through. No, this is going to be the start of a new him. He just wants to get better, so why is it so hard...?

꘎ ♡ ━ ꘎ ━ ♡ ꘎

Kyelin looks back at San's retreating figure before walking into the house, getting away from the cold. When she turns to meet Hongjoong she makes a fake vomiting noise, "Ugh, gross, put a shirt on! It's freezing!"

Hongjoong rolls his eyes, "Yeah, yeah, you're lucky I'm in pants."

"What was San doing here?"

"Just having some fun," Hongjoong winks.

This confuses Kyelin, not knowing what to think since she and Jongho swore that San was with Wooyoung. Aren't they together?

Kyelin looks around and knows there was a party here last night, knowing her brother better than he thinks she does. She's well aware of what he does, has been since he was disowned by their parents back when she was in early elementary school. She might not have been fully aware at the time, but when she got to the age of ten and overheard their parents saying that Hongjoong got arrested, she started to put things together.

Hongjoong still would hang out with Kyelin and drove her to most places she wanted to behind their parents' backs, and since they were seen together, it never surprised her when people would come up asking if he was really her brother. When Hongjoong got released from jail on good behavior at twenty, she figured out that drug dealing was likely the reason he went in the first place.

Only because he returned to doing that very same thing.

So seeing San coming from Hongjoong's the morning after a party she was ninety-nine percent sure was littered with drugs and alcohol confused her. Especially since Wooyoung and Jongho both don't like drugs or anything of the sort because of what happened to their mother.

San and Wooyoung seemed so close... She and Jongho even witnessed them that one night when they banged through the door about to rip each other's clothes off. She didn't peg Wooyoung to be the type to have sex outside of a relationship.

Is San cheating...?

As much as she wants to go right to Jongho to talk to him about it, she wants to confront San personally first.

꘎ ♡ ━ ꘎ ━ ♡ ꘎

As soon as San gets in his car and starts driving, he knows where he has to go, turning right to go to Wooyoung's place instead of left in the direction of his own. On his way, he dials the psychiatrist's office and schedules another appointment with the receptionist. When he shows up at the front door with a knock on this late Sunday morning, Wooyoung opens it and smiles warmly when he sees San standing there.

"Hey," Wooyoung laughs, "I didn't expect you to just show up," He says, referring to the text he sent earlier asking if he wanted to come over sometime today, "But I'm glad that you're here, come in, Sannie."

San's heart does a flip at the smile that spread across his face right when he saw him, it making him feel good that Wooyoung gets just as excited about seeing him as San does.

"Sorry I didn't text back before coming," San nervously tucks a piece of his short brown hair behind his ear, but the blond pieces still hang in the front, "Did I wake you?"

Wooyoung shakes his head, leading them both to the couch, "Nope, I've been up for a while. Today was supposed to be the day that Jongho and I decorated for Christmas together, but that little shit ditched me to put it all up on my own," Wooyoung groans playfully, leaning into San's arm as he looks up at him with puppy-dog eyes, "Do you wanna decorate with me, Sannie?"

"I-" San feels goosebumps start to rise all over his arms and legs when Wooyoung lays against him and meets his eyes like that, but the only thing that's going through his mind is Christmas. He wants to put up Christmas decorations together... Just the thought sends a different kind of chill up San's spine, suddenly feeling jumpy.

"If not, that's okay!" Wooyoung reassures, "I just thought it might be fun. Do you usually decorate?"

"N-No, I..." San looks away from Wooyoung, "I never decorate anymore... That's, uhm, the reason I started seeing my psychiatrist again," San starts to open up a bit, unsure if he should tell Wooyoung this when he seems so happy, but he can't help but let it out, "My parents really liked Christmas, really, it was the only time we actually felt like a family. B-But my mom, she uh, she passed away on Christmas day," He flinches at first when he feels Wooyoung slide his hand into his, interlocking their fingers, but he eases immediately after realizing he's trying to soothe him and calm him down.

Wooyoung doesn't interrupt, he just lays there, head still on his arm and eyes still focused on his face while San looks anywhere else as he speaks.

"Then two years later, my dad also," San nervously clears his voice, "He, uh, passed away December first," He leaves out the details of their deaths for now, not wanting to get into the drugs or the abuse, "So Christmas, really December as a whole, isn't the best time for me... And I saw the psychiatrist I'm going to again now about it back then... She helped some, but I don't know. No, I do know, but," San sighs and squeezes Wooyoung's hand tightly, falling into a bout of silence for a moment while his mind starts to overwork itself.

"You don't have to tell me right now, Sannie," Wooyoung's voice is gentle, using his thumb to stroke the top of San's hand, "Whenever you're ready, okay?"

San surprises even himself when he looks back to Wooyoung, meeting his eyes with his own blurry ones, water settled on his waterline threatening to drop.

Wooyoung uses his free hand to wipe San's eyes and he gives him a soft kiss on the forehead, "Jongho and I lost our mother five years ago," he explains, attempting to relate to San as well as open up to him just like he's done, "We never had a dad, and if I'm being honest... We never really had a mom either even when she was alive," Wooyoung sighs as all of these old memories bubble back up in his head as he talks about his mother.

San doesn't take his eyes off of Wooyoung as he speaks, paying utmost attention to him, and even holding onto one of his hands even tighter than he was. His own tears had dried up after Wooyoung wiped them away, and he's thankful at the same time he is melancholic, knowing that it must take a lot for Wooyoung to be telling him this just like it was for him.

"She was dealing with a lot with her job, her depression, and her addictions, she didn't necessarily have time to put aside to care and love for us like the typical mom. Especially for Jongho since he was the younger out of us, but I always tried my hardest to be there for him and sadly, make up excuses for mom as to why she wasn't at his school events or the one cooking dinner," Wooyoung goes on, his hand that's not interlocked with San's finding its way into San's hair, gently stroking it as he tells the story.

"How did Jongho take that?" San asks, wondering about the younger boy he's become friends with.

Wooyoung presses his lips to San's head before continuing, "I like to think he didn't know any better, but I've never actually asked him if he knew what was going on. Jong always would get so excited to see me show up to one of the plays he was in at school. He'd ask about mom, but I generally would say she was sick or held up at work, but she sent him her best. At some point, though, he stopped asking..."

"Maybe he knew but was still happy because you were there," San suggests, having seen first hand how much Jongho loves Wooyoung despite all of their teasing and bickering.

Wooyoung shrugs, "I'm not sure, Sannie. I think I'll sit down and talk to him about it soon," He keeps stroking San's hair, noticing how sweetly he curls into him when he does, "Did you have anyone to look after you?"

San looks up at Wooyoung, studying his eyes for something negative, but he sees nothing but care, "I... I, uhm, I had a best friend at the time. I think you know him," He says, unable to help his shaky speech, "Seonghwa, right? We met at his party, so you probably know him."

"I met him at the nightclub a while ago when he came up to our table where me, Yun, and Mingi were sitting," Wooyoung says, "I don't really know the guy, I just remember him inviting me to his party that weekend, and I thought why not. I hadn't gone out much before that other than with co-workers. Tell me more about Seonghwa, was he a good friend to you, beautiful?"

San's eyes start to water again a little bit, thinking about the question Woooyung asked him, "He... He tried his best," San admits, "Seonghwa always tried to make me happy and offered me help countless times, but it came at the cost of me, too. If that makes sense," He attempts to explain, "It's just... When he would try to do good by me, he often wound up doing bad to others."

Wooyoung nods, taking in everything that San's explaining about Seonghwa, knowing that he's been an important part of San's life, so he's been looking forward to hearing more.

San shifts uneasily, "I, uhm, I was in love with him," He looks up to catch Wooyoung's eyes, hoping he doesn't see doubt within them, "For a long time I was... But he could never love me back like I wanted. I always knew in the back of my mind that I should spend my time with someone that actually would give me back what I gave them, but I had already invested so much time into Hwa that I couldn't think about anyone else."

"That's not healthy, Sannie," Wooyoung whispers, and San nods, his hair brushing against Wooyoung's cheek as he does so.

"I know, I know... I'm going to try and talk to Dr. Kim about him at my appointment this week. She remembers Seonghwa from back then, so it should be easier to talk about. At least, I hope it will be," San sighs, wrapping his arms around Wooyoung's body in a hug, "Thank you, Woo," He clenches Wooyoung's hair in his hand as he squeezes him, "Thank you so much for talking with me..."

Wooyoung's skin prickles up with tingles and he squeezes San right back, "You know I really like you, right, San?"

San keeps his arms around Wooyoung, but he rests back a bit into his lap so that he's able to meet his eyes with a small nod, "I... I do. I feel the same way about you."

Wooyoung smiles and brushes the blond streak of San's hair back into his muss of dark brown, "I hoped that you did," He chuckles and his eyes crinkle into little lines as his smile grows wider, "That makes me feel more confident about what I've been thinking about asking you for a while now."

San's mind goes wild with anticipation, afraid, yet so curious about what Wooyoung wants to ask him. Especially now that he feels closer to him than ever, feeling completely bare and open to him.

Does he want to have sex again...?

But right now I just want to kiss him... and have him hold me...

"Will you be my boyfriend?"

Huh?

"Y-Your," San's cheeks instantly reddened, "Your real boyfriend? Like with the label and everything?" He asks, his heart beating faster than ever before. It feels like he just did a line with how exhilarated he suddenly feels.

It never crossed San's mind that Wooyoung would ask him that of all things, and when he thinks about it, that makes him sad. He never thought anyone would ask him that question since Seonghwa never did, and it made him feel like he would go through his whole life without a real boyfriend.

But here Wooyoung is.

"Yes," Wooyoung chuckles, "My real boyfriend, silly. Label and all," He says, puffing out his chest a bit, "I want to show you off to the world proudly."

San giggles, covering his mouth, "Really?"

Wooyoung gently removes San's hand from his mouth, wanting to see his beautiful smile and his laugh not muffled by anything, "Really," He leans his head down, nose grazing against San's as he tilts his head slightly to the right, "So what do you say?"

San's eyelids grow heavy watching Wooyoung lean into him, letting himself press that inch closer so he can capture Wooyoung's lips in his, the sweet taste of Wooyoung enveloping him. He doesn't want to lose this feeling. The feeling of safety and warmth, the sense of belonging and acceptance.

"Yes, god, yes," San smiles into another kiss, shyness evading him as he bites down onto Wooyoung's lip and grips his back as he settles himself further onto his lap.

Their joyous hums and giggles mix together to create one, countless kisses exchanged, and heartbeats coalesce into sweet harmony.

Wooyoung stands up, holding San up by his butt, his legs wrapped around his waist and his arms draped over his shoulders, "You're sleeping over, right, Sannie?"

"Mhm," San mumbles agreement, placing soft kisses onto Wooyoung's neck.

"I have to sleep early tonight," Wooyoung admits, laying San down into his bed before covering him up with the comforter.

San whines, "Woo~"

"Work, Sannie. Tomorrow's Monday."

San groans and rolls over against Wooyoung once he, too, lays down with him, attaching himself to Wooyoung like a leech, "Take me with you~" He pouts, but hearing Wooyoung mention work makes him think that he needs to look for a job as well.

"I wish I could baby," Wooyoung giggles, giving into San's affection, giving him a thousand little pecks, "Could I take you out dancing Saturday night instead?"

"You're keeping me extra busy, aren't you, Woo? Magic on Friday night and now dancing Saturday?"

"I can't help that I want to spend time with my boyfriend."

Boyfriend.

San loves hearing him say it, making it even more real with every time he does. And it is real, Wooyoung is San's boyfriend. His first, at that, and even that thought makes San's heart flutter. Twenty-three and never having a labeled significant other before now? San's over the moon that things are finally happening for him.

Before, it always felt like his life was stagnant. He hung onto Seonghwa, stitching himself into his life with the thinnest of thread, it being the only thing that made him think he was still living. But in reality, he was barely holding on. He wasn't living at all. He depended on Seonghwa for everything, and that wasn't fair to either of them.

San might not have been the one to initially cut the ties that kept him connected to Seonghwa, no, Seonghwa did that, but he didn't let himself drown in the ocean of the world that felt like it was out to get him for as long as he could remember. Seonghwa had been San's world, and now, San recognizes that there's so much more out there for him.

There's hope.

Hope for San to grow and find a home within himself.

He wants to be that dependable and trustworthy person.

And to do that, he has to be welcoming of change in his life.

End of Chapter Nineteen

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Hiya, everyone! I will be at an anime convention next weekend and will not be able to post an update (April 17th), but updates will continue the following Sunday as scheduled on April 24th. Thank you all so much for reading and I hope you return to continue San's journey for the last few chapters!

(Yes, that's right! The story will be wrapping up soon. Buckle up <3)