Seonghwa stares back at San with Yeosang standing behind him. Seonghwa's eyes go wide as he really gets a look at San's face, clearly seeing that he's been crying. His worry for San is uncontrollable, concerned that San might've had one of his breakdowns without him. Seonghwa knows how common they can be for San, especially this time of year.

But he hasn't had one in so long...

He feels a pang in his heart, realizing it's been the first one in a long time he hasn't been there to help him through it.

Seonghwa then notices his throw blanket wrapped around San's tiny body, looking at his bare legs coming down from under it. San was wearing jeans when he left him earlier.

Is he... naked?

"Why are you in here, San?" Yeosang asks from behind Seonghwa, grasping onto his arm instinctively, unafraid to be the one that tells San to get out first.

How protective of him, San thinks, holding back from rolling his puffy eyes. Even his thoughts are irritated.

San turns his head, "It's just a room. It was unlocked anyway," He answers, knowing very well he's the reason it was unlocked in the first place, and that he really shouldn't have brought Wooyoung into this room, but he wasn't all there mentally at the time.

Maybe he was just mad at Seonghwa.

Maybe San just wanted someone to take his mind off of him for once.

Seonghwa leaving him for Yeosang earlier that night made him realize that maybe things between the two of them won't be the same anymore. He's slowly losing him.

Seonghwa leans in, looking further into the room to see a half-naked man lying on his bed asleep, "Who in the hell is that, San?" He asks, not in a particularly jealous tone like San was searching for, but more of an actual anger-filled question.

This is the whole reason Seonghwa keeps his door locked during parties, to avoid people screwing in his room.

"Wooyoung. I met him tonight. Isn't that what you wanted me to do? Find someone? Find someone so that you don't have to deal with me anymore?" San asks Seonghwa, anger rising up within him from the mix of his pounding headache and his feelings for Seonghwa still simmering in the forefront of his mind.

"Yeah, San, sure whatever," Seonghwa scoffs, becoming increasingly annoyed by San's venom-filled words.

"Can you just leave?" Yeosang asks as he takes a step forward, impatience prominent in his voice and actions. He is sick and tired of San trying to make Seonghwa feel bad for not being with him.

Seonghwa is with him, not San.

Yeosang doesn't like how jealous and territorial he's being right now, but he needs to be more assertive with what he wants and he needs to show Seonghwa he's serious about the two of them being in a committed monogamous relationship.

San takes a deep breath, glancing back at Wooyoung who's still sleeping on the bed and he turns back to Seonghwa and Yeosang in front of him, "Yeah, I can leave, but give me a second. Okay?" San shuts the door on them without waiting for an answer, walking back to the bed to shake Wooyoung awake.

Wooyoung groans loudly as he rolls over, "Mmm, just a few more minutes please," he says, stretching his entire body out across the whole bed. San looks away when he sees the way his body stretches, not wanting to think about the incredibly sexy man lying in front of him right now. If he were to get even one glimpse, then he might not be able to leave the room after all.

"We have to leave," San says firmly, not wanting to be here any longer than he has to when Seonghwa and Yeosang are right outside the door. While Wooyoung groggily sits up and rubs his eyes, San gets dressed back into the clothes he was wearing, not bothering to button his jeans or straighten out his shirt.

"Ugh, I can't go home this messed up," Wooyoung complains mostly to himself, still having a lot of alcohol in his system and he's not about to drive under the influence.

"There are other rooms you'll be able to crash in, okay?" San sighs, leaning over by the bed when he sees the little baggie of cocaine fall on the floor. It's a good thing he sealed it after using it last. He shoves it in his front pocket.

Surely Seonghwa won't miss it too badly, San smirks.

Wooyoung looks up at San with soft eyes, sliding off of the bed and drunkenly trying to get his pants back on, "You're leaving, I take it?"

San hums, trying not to look at Wooyoung as he struggles to get his jeans on. He doesn't want his eyes to get stuck on the ripples of Wooyoung's abs as he contorts around.

Wooyoung finally gets them up and he goes over to San, smiling at him as he puts his hand under San's chin to lift his face up to look at him, "You sure you want to leave?" Wooyoung teases, still feeling this thing that draws him to San, not wanting to part from him just yet.

San shifts his eyes away, knowing they're still puffy from crying so hard and he doesn't like Wooyoung seeing that, "We have to leave, Wooyoung. I mean it."

Wooyoung brings his head down to San's, San able to feel Wooyoung's hot breath against his face. They drink the same thing, San thinks when he smells the whiskey on his breath with a semi-fresh mind.

"I know we have to leave, but are you leaving me?" Wooyoung asks blatantly.

San is a bit shocked to hear Wooyoung even wants San to stay with him, but he still doesn't like how he just broke down in front of him.

It makes him feel uncomfortable, no, it makes him feel vulnerable. That's a better word, San thinks. He can't just do that in front of anyone, in fact, he can't do it in front of anyone anymore it seems. Yeosang is trying hard to get Seonghwa out of San's life. This fact hurts San deeply, realizing that he might not have anyone to confide in anymore.

This whole time that Seonghwa's been trying to get him to branch out and talk to other people, he's been indirectly attempting to prepare San for this. For Seonghwa eventually leaving him. If only San actually tried. If only San thought he didn't only need Seonghwa in his life to be happy.

Seonghwa was the only person left in his life, and San knows how desperately he always grasped onto him, depending on him to keep him above water.

But now he's drowning, and he needs to learn how to swim.

"Are you upset because you cried?" Wooyoung asks another question, letting his chin go. Clearly San doesn't want to stay, but Wooyoung wishes he would, "Everyone needs to have a good cry sometimes, San. It's really okay... It's okay to be vulnerable and show your emotions."

"Not in front of you," San retorts, "Not in front of anyone anymore. I will not let someone see me like that!" His voice raises towards the end, "I didn't even want to sleep with you, okay? I don't sleep with anyone except- Ugh. You saw way too much of me tonight and that's just not..." San says shakily, his voice breaking down by the end. The thought of Seonghwa standing outside the door makes him say more hurtful things to Wooyoung. San's head is so messed up right now and he's unsure just how much more he can take.

"Listen, I know we just met, but I don't believe it's me you're actually mad at. If you ever want to talk or... uh, anything... you can find me," Wooyoung takes out a piece of paper from his pants pocket.

Does he always keep paper in there?

Wooyoung scribbles down his phone number and stuffs it into San's front pocket, ruffling his hair after, "Maybe you'll think differently after you've calmed down a little more, you know? I hope that you feel better, San," Wooyoung grabs his shirt from the floor and goes towards the door, opening it to see Seonghwa and Yeosang still standing there. He chuckles, winking at them, "Good night, fellas," and mimics tipping his invisible hat.

San feels himself getting worked up once again, his headache still feeling like it's destroying him from the inside out. Fuck, he needs more coke, he thinks to himself as he grabs his head from the unbearable pain. He can't think straight right now. He can barely even remember what he just said to the boy he brought to bed that night.

San's brow furrows as he heads towards the door, seeing Seonghwa and Yeosang again is most definitely not helping his headache, "It's all yours," San spits out, leaving the room quickly and heading towards the door leading out of Seonghwa's house.

He just has to get to his car.

It's not that far.

San stumbles a bit, going down Seonghwa's driveway as he keeps a look out for his car. He finally spots it and lets out a sigh of relief, rushing to it and getting into the driver's seat, slamming the door closed behind him. He lays back against the seat, taking long deep breaths as if he just finished a marathon.

Breathe in slowly... hold... breathe out slowly...

San can't handle all of this on him right now. He didn't sleep with that Wooyoung guy, but he can feel that he would've if he hadn't had a sudden panic attack -- at least, that's what he assumes it to be. He researched his symptoms before, when they first started happening, and panic and anxiety attacks came up as a possible name for what he experiences. With how severe and frightening they always are, San (and Seonghwa after San tried to explain it to him) decided they were likely panic attacks.

Later on, he found out that he was correct, and had also been diagnosed with an anxiety and panic disorder. He took medication for a while and that helped him a lot, but December was always a time where sometimes even the pills couldn't help. Seonghwa helped him experiment with different drugs, and sometimes they would work, but the after-effects always made it not worth it because everything hit him like a truck when he came down.

He doesn't know why it had to happen right then... All he can think of is that everything with Seonghwa leaving him, the cocaine leading him to partying with everyone and being around so many people just overwhelmed him to the point of absolute panic mode for his brain when his euphoric state fell apart.

Being about to give himself to someone that wasn't Seonghwa could've also been a factor, but San couldn't think about that right now. He wants Seonghwa out of his mind for at least one second in his life.

He hates that paralyzing fear that he feels every time one comes on. It makes him even more afraid, making the situation worse than it already was.

San closes his eyes and repeats his breathing techniques for a while, allowing himself some time to just be. After he's calmed down a bit more, he can't help but laugh a little at himself. He had a panic attack right before he was about to get blown.

I'm a fucking dumbass.

San sits up in his car seat, shaking his stupid thoughts away. He's still sitting in Seonghwa's driveway, of course. The outside air is so cold that it's made ice appear on his windows, creeping up from the corners, so he turns on his car and turns up the heat.

San thinks about the last few things Wooyoung said to him. How did he know he wasn't actually mad at him? Was he just guessing? Then he remembers what he said to make Wooyoung say those things. San wishes that shit like that wouldn't just slip out of his mouth from his own pain. It's not fair to anyone, he knows that.

Wooyoung really stayed with him through his entire breakdown, huh? That stupid drunk, San thinks to himself. He finds himself smiling at the thought, still.

Maybe someone else could be like his Seonghwa...

End of Chapter Four