San has tried to contact Mingi many more times over the past few days to no avail. Mingi won't answer his phone or any of the texts San has sent him. San's head has hurt so bad that he wishes someone would just blow his brains out (before he does it himself) so he wouldn't have to feel anything. He's wanted to get drunk, but he doesn't have any more whiskey.

He doesn't have the energy to get up to buy more.

It's getting to be too much.

He feels so empty.

San can feel what's about to happen coming and he begs for it to stop. He feels the fear. The dread. It's creeping up on him like a tiger creeps up on its prey. His emotions being the tiger about to pounce and San being the prey, frozen still as it waits for its inevitable demise. He covers his mouth with his hand as his eyebrows knit together, starting to sob uncontrollably.

Too much. Too much. Too much.

San can't move as a bunch of intrusive thoughts invade his head, tearing his mind apart piece by piece until it's a barren wasteland.

What has a piece of shit like him been doing these past few days? Absolutely nothing.

He can't even get out of bed.

He hasn't felt joy or pleasure in anything.

He can't seem to understand how he can be so mind-achingly numb, but still feel enough to be crying like he is now.

Nothing makes sense to him.

His mind is flooded and he's so confused.

San cries out, letting out a desperate whine for Seonghwa as his eyes become blurry from all of the tears arising.

Where is Seonghwa?

San looks around his room, getting even more confused when he sees that Seonghwa isn't there with him.

Hwa...?

San's breathing hitches as he frantically maneuvers his head side to side to look for him, too weak to actually get up from his sitting position in bed. San wails from the pain of his headache and from the overwhelming fear and dread taking over his body. He needs Seonghwa here with him.

It's never been this bad before.

San shakily gets his phone from the nightstand, tears starting to pool onto the screen as he dials Seonghwa's number.

...

...

...

No, no, no. Please pick up.

Seonghwa isn't picking up the phone. San starts to freak out, even more, when he sees Seonghwa not picking up. He tries again. Please answer. Please answer.

...

...

...

San cries out loudly when Seonghwa doesn't answer again, going to yet another voicemail "P-Please..." San curses between his sobs, his voice as shaky as his hands. He hangs up a few seconds later, ending up leaving a three-second voicemail for Seonghwa's phone. San doesn't notice. He can't focus.

San hiccups, breathing heavily as he cries.

He needs someone here. He can't handle the pain alone.

He's just so scared.

Can't the thoughts just stop?

San grabs his head, putting his eyes into his palms as he rocks back and forth. His hands get wet from his tears, and his body starts to shake from the fear that's consuming him. He can visualize his parents in his muddled mind, a picture of them holding him up to a large Christmas tree to put a beautiful star on top.

San moves one of his hands from his eyes and looks back at the phone. No returning call from Seonghwa.

Nothing.

San reaches back over to his phone and trembles as he types in Wooyoung's number.

...

...

...

"San? You always seem to call me at night, huh?" Wooyoung chuckles, but stops when he hears quiet weeping from the other end, "San...? Hey, is everything okay?"

San breaks down when he hears Wooyoung's voice, falling apart after hearing that someone finally answered his pleas, "P-Please help m-me," San manages to get out, afterward letting out a soft wail.

"Yes-- San, I'll be right there, okay? I'll be there as fast as I can. You have your location on right?" Wooyoung asks in a panic, immediately getting up to get his jacket on and grabbing his keys, keeping the phone held up by his shoulder.

San hums back, unable to get anything else out over the loud memories blaring through his mind.

"What do you want for Christmas, Sannie baby?"

At this age, San knew better than to wish for the whole truth of what he wants, "I want mommy and daddy to stay happy like this forever," he settles on a partial truth, instead. He wants them to be like this forever, true, but his real wish was for them to pay more attention to him instead of all the drugs. He wanted his parents to be happy because of him and not them.

He doesn't want to be too selfish, though.

Wooyoung checks and, yes, San's location is on for friends. Wooyoung's heavy breathing can be heard over the phone as he rushes out of the house and gets into his car, "Do you want me to stay on the phone until I get there, San?" Wooyoung asks, turning the ignition on and he begins his drive to San's house.

All Wooyoung can hear is San's sobs and whines coming from the other line, "I'm not hanging up, okay? Is the door unlocked?" Wooyoung steps on the gas, going a few more miles per hour than he should over the speed limit.

San sniffles, "Mhm..." He hopes Wooyoung is able to hear his agreement, still shaking as he lays in his bed. His mind won't stop remembering. It just won't stop.

San limps into Seonghwa's house, body aching badly, but not bad as his heart and mind. He falls to his knees and begins sobbing into the worn carpet, "Sh-She's gone, Hwa," His voice chokes on each and every syllable, "It's all my fault," He repeats a few times before he's drowned out by Seonghwa's arms enveloping his broken body into a tight embrace.

"I'm here, Sannie. I'm here."

A few minutes pass and San thinks he can hear a car pulling into his driveway, "San, I'm here. I'm coming, okay? Everything is going to be okay," Wooyoung says and the last thing San hears over the phone before Wooyoung hangs up is his car door slamming shut. The next thing he hears is the front door of his place opening up and a familiarly sweet voice.

"San? Which room is yours?" Wooyoung calls out, his voice notably shaken as he walks around San's house. He hears crying from behind one of the doors and he opens it quickly, opening to see San curled up in a ball on the bed.

San lifts his head and sees Wooyoung, seeing someone being there for him brings him some sort of hope in the emotional pit of despair he's found himself in. San tries to sit up, but he feels like he can barely breathe anymore through the intense sobbing and stays down.

Wooyoung rushes over to the bed, climbing onto it and wrapping his arms around the shaking boy, "San... It's going to bed okay, I promise. Please breathe for me, okay?" Wooyoung asks in a serious yet comforting tone, wanting to be able to calm San down as soon as he can. He doesn't know how long this has been going on, but from his knowledge about what he thinks is happening to San, he could pass out from being overloaded. Just like his mother commonly used to.

San weakly lays his body against Wooyoung, trying to take deep breaths, but his breathing won't stop hitching.

"Breathe in slowly, San..." Wooyoung gently strokes San's hair, talking softly to him in an attempt to ground him.

San does as Wooyoung says, his body shaking in Wooyoung's arms.

"Now hold that breath, and then breathe out slowly," Wooyoung instructs, knowing that this is the same way he would always get his mother to calm down from her panic attacks.

San does this a few times, remembering that this is what Seonghwa has told him to do in times like this as well as his old therapist and psychiatrist. He covers his puffy face with his hands as he continues the instructions over and over, not wanting Wooyoung to see him like this.

Why has it been so bad the past two times...? Of course, San knows why, but he hates acknowledging the truth. He knows he shouldn't be so dependent on Seonghwa or anything, especially drugs, but it's getting so close to the bad month.

December.

Wooyoung hums softly as he continues to stroke San's hair, holding him close to his body so he can hear his heart beating, "Everything is going to be alright. You're not in any danger here, San. It's okay," Wooyoung carries on in reassuring San, repeating the mantra until he believes it's true.

They lay there like that for about twenty minutes before San calmed down enough to stop shaking, but his breathing is still quite erratic.

Wooyoung gives San a tender kiss on San's forehead, "Have you eaten today, Sannie?" Wooyoung asks, wanting to make sure San has been taking care of himself.

San shakes his head as he shrugs, his bottom lip trembling, still trying to shield his shameful face from Wooyoung's view.

Wooyoung puts the back of his hand against San's forehead to test his temperature, "Have you been sick?" Wooyoung looks around San's room, seeing it looks like it hasn't really been touched for a while other than a small baggie on the floor on top of a pile of clothes, some white powder specks around it.

San shrugs again before gripping onto his head, his headache becoming more noticeable after calming down from his breakdown, "I-I just haven't been able to do a lot recently... I've felt so exhausted..." San tries to explain what's been going on to the best of his ability.

Wooyoung fears that San might be going through some sort of withdrawal, "Have you- uhm, been taking drugs?" Wooyoung chances by asking, he has to know to be able to help. He knows these signs. He's seen it all before. Wooyoung doesn't think it's only the drugs that are causing this sort of reaction, though. Wooyoung is starting to see more of his mother in San's actions, seeing the signs of depression reflecting heavily.

San shifts his eyes, embarrassed of his own abuse. He used to tell himself he would never be like this, that he didn't think it would happen to him since he had been so careful... Or he thought he was being careful. Seonghwa always helped him be careful, too. He curses at himself in his head, wanting to blame Seonghwa for leaving him all alone, but he knows it's really all his own fault. It's hard to take responsibility for something so bad that you've done to yourself because it's so easy to shift the blame onto someone else.

San eventually nods, admitting his faults, and crosses his arms in an attempt to shut himself off from Wooyoung.

Wooyoung scoots closer to San, gently putting a hand on his shoulder, "Hey, it's going to be okay. Let me make you some soup. You really need to eat, San."

"Why are you so nice to me?"

Wooyoung gets up off the bed, going towards the door, "I like you, San. I don't know what exactly that entails yet, but I'm curious about you. I can't explain it fully, but I care about you."

Wooyoung's words bring a soft smile to San's face. Someone cares about him. Wooyoung cares about him.

Does Seonghwa still care...?

After a few minutes, San looks up to see Wooyoung coming back into his room carrying a bowl of soup. He can see the steam coming from the bowl and it makes his stomach growl, "You really made me soup..." San's eyes widen a bit, genuinely surprised.

Wooyoung laughs, sitting down on the bed carefully so as to not spill the soup, "Yes, I did. I told you I would," he winks at him as he hands him the bowl of soup.

San eats the soup right up, not pausing to make any conversation. Wooyoung doesn't mind though, seeing San eat makes him feel warm and happy inside. The soup will help his lack of food as well as his dehydration.

He wonders if San has gotten out of bed recently... Does he even have a job?

Wooyoung knows that he has to work early the next morning and that it's getting late, but maybe San won't mind if he stays the night. He's worried about leaving San here alone, anyway.

"Hey, San?" Wooyoung starts, laying back on San's bed, "Do you think it would be alright if I stayed over? I want to keep an eye on you," Wooyoung ruffles up San's fluffy hair.

San blushes when Wooyoung does that, loving the attention he's getting from him. San sets the now empty soup bowl down on the bed and crawls over to Wooyoung, "Mhm, I want you to stay," San says as a wide smile spreads across his face, but he winces when a sharp pain goes through his head, having to grab it with his hand.

Wooyoung's worries return when San grabs his head, gently lifting his hand to hold onto San's arm, "Does your head hurt that bad?" Wooyoung asks, it making him concerned about how intense San's headaches seem to be. Wooyoung thinks back to the baggie and white specks of powder near it. Could the drug San be doing be cocaine...? Wooyoung's eyebrows furrow as he thinks of San doing such hard drugs, but he just softly strokes his arm, not wanting to bring it up again so soon, "Do you want me to get you some Tylenol?"

San groans in an irritated manner, his headache causing him to get a bit frustrated, "I've tried Tylenol, I've tried ibuprofen, I've tried it all. None of it ever works. None of it ever makes my headaches go away, dammit!" San curses, holding onto his head as he curls up on the bed.

Wooyoung sighs when he watches San curl up in pain, "It's okay, Sannie... I wish you weren't in so much pain," Wooyoung hears sniffling coming from San and it makes his heart hurt, not liking seeing him suffer like this. He lays down with San and carefully wraps an arm around him, softly stroking San's head.

San hums as Wooyoung strokes his head and holds him. He's missed being held like this. Wooyoung feels so warm against San's back and he loves the feeling, wishing he could feel like this forever. When Wooyoung moves his arm around San's waist, San shyly reaches and holds onto Wooyoung's hand.

God, he's just so warm... San thinks that he must feel so cold to him -- he hopes that Wooyoung doesn't mind it too much.

Wooyoung smiles as he feels San hold onto the hand he wrapped around him, liking how their temperatures complement each other so well. Wooyoung hopes that San doesn't feel too cold though, so he adjusts himself so he's holding San closer to him, resting his forehead against the back of San's head. Wooyoung wishes that the rest of their night together can go as wonderfully as this.

No more crying or pain, just a dreamless sleep.

꘎ ♡ ━ ꘎ ━ ♡ ꘎

Seonghwa and Yeosang are laying in Seonghwa's bed together that night breathing heavily. Seonghwa flops back onto his back on the bed after giving Yeosang a long heartfelt kiss, "God, I love you, Yeo..."

Yeosang is huddled up against Seonghwa's bare chest, smiling happily up at his flushed face, "I love you, Hwa," Yeosang says as the side of his face rests on the top of Seonghwa's chest, loving how he's able to hear his heart beating in his chest -- it sounds quite fast and it makes Yeosang chuckle to himself.

Things between them can get pretty wild given the situation.

Seonghwa runs his hand through Yeosang's silky blond hair before letting it fall to return back to stroking his cheek, "Yeo, I'll be right back. I'm going to go clean up a bit," Seonghwa sits up slowly, Yeosang sitting up with him and giving him a pouty face as he reaches out to him with grabby hands.

Yeosang needily grabs ahold of Seonghwa's hand, "Not too long, okay?" Yeosang looks at him with big shining eyes and gives his hand a squeeze before reluctantly letting him go.

Seonghwa leans over and gives Yeosang a loving kiss, "I promise," He breathes against Yeosang's lips as he gets up out of bed, leaning down and picking up his boxers from the floor. He puts them on before going into his bathroom to check his phone and wash his face.

As soon as Seonghwa turns on his phone and sees his notifications, he feels overwhelming concern flood his chest, straining it...

Missed call from San (2)

(1) New Voicemail

Seonghwa's eyes widen, then narrow again as he stares at his phone screen until it dulls to black, forcing him to hit the power button again to come back to life, showing the same notifications that made his heart stop.

San hasn't reached out to him since that night at the party. Is something wrong? Is all that goes through Seonghwa's head as he continues staring at the voicemail bubble, nervous to click on it, but he does.

The voicemail starts and all Seonghwa hears is all too familiar sobbing, then San's voice cracking as he curses and the voicemail abruptly ends. Seonghwa feels the fear rising within him, knowing San must be having a breakdown. His bottom lip starts to quiver as he thinks about San being alone again for one of them. It scares him, even more, when he sees that the message was left two hours ago.

I have to leave

I have to go see if he's okay

Seonghwa begins to get frantic, opening the bathroom door and hurrying over to his closet to pull on some jeans before stuffing his phone into his pocket.

He should be settled by now, but I have to go check

Yeosang sees Seonghwa hastily rush out of the bathroom and gets worried, "Hwa? Are you okay?" Yeosang asks, pulling the covers up over him so his bare chest isn't exposed to the cool air of Seonghwa's room.

I just hope he hasn't done anyth-

Seonghwa comes back down to Earth when he hears Yeosang's voice interrupt his racing thoughts, stopping in his tracks to look at him. Chan can't help the tears welling up in his eyes, knowing that Yeosang would hate hearing that he has to leave... and where he's leaving to.

He keeps breaking promises, but he just can't stop making them.

"I-I..." Seonghwa falters, his mind filled with San, but his heart aches for Yeosang. He knows he has to make a decision, and fast, "I'm so sorry, Yeosang... I have to go, I promise I'll be home soon. I promise. I'm sorry," Seonghwa stutters, going over to Yeosang to embrace him quickly. Seonghwa's mind is so focused on San, he can't seem to speak coherently, but he hopes that Yeosang will still understand.

Yeosang watches Seonghwa as he comes over and embraces him, his chest getting hit with this feeling of sadness as soon as Seonghwa's body collides with his. He wants to pretend he doesn't know why this dread hits him, but he knows. Yeosang knows that this has something to do with San. Of course it does. It always does...

Yeosang feels his voice catch in his throat, unable to answer back verbally, but he shows Seonghwa as much of an understanding smile as he can muster, adding a small nod for reassurance.

When Seonghwa kisses the top of Yeosang's head, he can almost hear Seonghwa whispering that he's sorry again. Yeosang watches sadly as Seonghwa rushes out of the room, having grabbed his shirt from the floor in the midst of his stride.

Yeosang sighs to himself as he lays back down in Seonghwa's bed, enveloping his small naked body in the warm covers that suddenly feel so cold. Curling up into a ball, not wanting to think too much about what just happened, or why Seonghwa left him, Yeosang closes his eyes.

Because maybe if his eyesight goes dark, his mind will too.

Out of sight, out of mind, isn't that the saying...?

꘎ ♡ ━ ꘎ ━ ♡ ꘎

Seonghwa drives over to San's house as fast as he can, knowing he shouldn't be that reckless when driving, but he hasn't had contact with San in so long that it's been getting to him. It's so different not having San around... and when Seonghwa heard his cries on that voicemail, all of his emotions rose to the surface.

Seonghwa gets out of his car and slams the car door behind him, quickly hurrying up the steps and opening the door to San's, knowing it's already unlocked. He used to always get mad at San about leaving his door unlocked like this, but in times like these...

Seonghwa's been here so many times, he easily goes back to San's room through the darkness and stops short in the doorway, a pang of indistinguishable emotion shooting straight through his chest.

The moonlight from the window allows for Seonghwa to see San curled up in bed. What he doesn't expect to see, however, is a boy holding him already. His eyes trail to see the boy's arm wrapped around San's waist and cuddling with him like he used to do, holding him like he used to do.

"San...?" Seonghwa hears his own words slip out of his mouth involuntarily, coming out as a whisper. Seonghwa sees San's body start to stir, and it makes him take a step back, startling himself.

San rubs his eyes, thinking he heard the door to his house open. He shifts his head and looks towards the door to his room, seeing a figure standing there. It's hard to see since it's quite dark in the house, only able to make out the dark outline through his blurry eyes.

"Hwa?" San continues to rub his eyes, thinking he sees Seonghwa standing in his doorway, but maybe that's just what his mind is hoping for. He almost wants to call out to the figure again, thinking the outline looks just like his Hwa.

San feels an arm around him already and gets a bit confused.

Who's here?

San looks behind him and sees Wooyoung's face, seeing him makes his memory of that night come back and his lips part into a smile.

Wooyoung was there for him.

Seonghwa sees San start to move and it makes him back up even more until his back hits the wall of the short hallway.

He shouldn't be here.

Why is he here anyway?

Seonghwa's heart pounds in his chest, turning around and quickly walking back out of San's house. Seonghwa doesn't even register the tears coming down his face as he gets back into his car, not noticing he left the door to San's place wide open.

San looks back to the open door of his room and sees that the figure is gone now.

Am I seeing things?

Why does Seonghwa have to continuously haunt me...

San shakes his head and curls back up against Wooyoung, who is still fast asleep, thankfully. What time even is it? San flips his phone over, the bright light blinding him for a second.

2:00 AM

San tries to get Seonghwa off his mind, hating that it feels like he sees Seonghwa everywhere he looks. He can't escape him. Now he's picturing him in his house...? San brushes it off as if he was seeing things and squeezes Wooyoung's arm tighter around him before making the attempt to go back to sleep.

Seonghwa presses his forehead against the top of his steering wheel, not sure what he was doing coming here like this. Hearing San cry like that in the voicemail he left did something to Seonghwa's heart.

Seonghwa worries what might've happened if he did answer San's calls two hours earlier. He knows he would've gone to him, just like he had now, but... That San would've been awake and he knows how easily they would've fallen into old ways once he helped San calm down.

Seonghwa shakes his head, almost thankful that someone else was there with San, but he can't deny the hurt feelings he felt when he saw San in bed with another man.

San has never been with anyone else but Seonghwa and Seonghwa knows that, but maybe things in both of their lives are changing.

The only thing he wonders is if the change is for the better...

Or for the worse.

End of Chapter Eight