Two weeks later
Iris POV 

They say that death often brings families closer together, I can't help but wonder if that'll be the case if I were to die right now, even though I already know it won't be. Especially with the way things are. Ever since papa was killed two weeks ago, nothing has been normal. It's as if somehow, despite barely ever being around; papa was the glue that held us together. 

Without him, we don't stand a chance at being a functional family, apparently. I wasn't close to him, but if I feel this horribly brutal sense of loss then I wonder what it is my brothers are going through. They spent years with him, and from what I've been told, he was an incredible father until mama came along again. 

A part of me mourns that loss too, I lost the mother that I thought loved me and the father that I hadn't bothered to know on the same day; but a much larger part of me blames myself. I could have stopped it all. I could have protected mi papa better, I could've done so much more. 

Should've, Could've, Would've. Three words that seem so insignificant until they plague your mind after a disaster and force you to confront what other outcomes could have been made if you reacted differently. 

Slater, the only person keeping me sane at the moment, claims that I have survivors guilt. I feel guilty for not dying. How he knows that is beyond my comprehension because I have not confided in him for the sole reason that I don't know what I feel either. 

My very being feels like it's fading away, and I don't care enough to stop it. In the beginning I tried to distract myself from what I was feeling by making sure my brothers were okay; but every single time I looked at them, all that I saw was mi papa bleeding out. 

I suspect that they felt the same way, because they never made an effort to talk to me. It's like nobody even talks here anymore. Maybe they blame me for papa's death, I can't fault them for that though - not when I blame myself too. 

Some days, I spend most of my time on the balcony just watching the outside world. It feels a lot like I'm going insane on those days, because I feel oddly peaceful. Other days - like today - I can't go on the balcony, because if I do, I might jump right off it. 

The door to my room suddenly opens, the sound of heavy footsteps making their way to my bed - where I've been bundled up for the whole day - tell me it's Slater who's here for his daily visit.

He leans down, pulling the blanket off me before kissing my forehead. "Good morning, solnyshko." (my sun) 

I smile, a genuine one, of course because Slater makes me feel like I have to be absolutely real with him. "G'morning." I mumble, scooting over so Slater can get into the bed with me. We aren't dating or anything, but he's been coming over every single day to  make sure I'm okay. I wonder if he knows that him coming over means nothing if I don't want to be okay, but I appreciate the gesture nonetheless.

Slater's presence offers me a reprieve from the messed up space that is my mind. He offers me the one thing my brothers couldn't - comfort. Again, not that I blame them, I'd probably hate me too if I were them. I still do miss them though. 

"Do you want to try coming out of your room today?" Slater asks, getting into the bed and pulling me into his arms. I sigh, burying my head in his chest. 

"Not really, no. I don't want to come out of my room." 

"Why not, Iris?" He questions, his tone still soft and patient. 

"Because I don't want to come out of my bubble and realise that all of this isn't just a figment of my imagination and face the reality where mi papa is dead, and my brothers hate me. I tried for the first few days and realised that maybe they needed space from me, but I cannot come out of this room and have all my nightmares confirmed when I realise that they hate me." I explain, my throat closing up a little. 

Slater sighs, running a hand through my hair. "They don't hate you, Solnyshko," (My sun) He pauses, "they have a crappy way of showing it, but they love you and they're trying to give you space too." 

"It doesn't matter, I'm not taking any chances. I do not want to face that reality." I whisper, my voice holding an undertone of vulnerability that makes me want to cry. Why the hell am I so weak? 

"Okay, I won't force you then." Slater agrees, kissing the crown of my head - which makes me blush. Of course, since nothing escapes his notice, Slater sees the blush. He leans down and kisses both my cheeks and laughs when his actions only make me blush harder. 

"Why must you torture me, Svetlyach?" (Firefly) I ask teasingly. 

"Because, solnyshko, you may not know it yet, but you are my salvation." He replies, his tone serious. Is he being real? 

Damn, I wish Carmine was talking to me, I'd ask him what the hell this means. I mean, I'm not stupid, but there is still the possibility that the direction my mind is going in is wrong. Besides, if I'm right, then no. It can't be happening, not right now when I barely even know who I am. 

But Slater is also someone who'll allow me the opportunity to grow, which is why, instead of panicking, I simply smile and kiss his cheek. Maybe my life isn't all that bad after all. 

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I started this chapter in January, but it kept deleting, so I got irritated and never came back. Oops???

Anyway, so much has changed since the last time I wrote, how's things going with the new year???

Or well, it's more of an old year now but...... Anyway, my year mostly sucks so far, hopefully it'll get better. ALSO I HAD ANOTHER BOOK IDEA BC I'VE BEEN READING RINA KENT BOOKS AGAIN. 

AND THIS WAS INSPIRED BY ONE OF HER DUETS. SO LET ME KNOW IF YA'LL WANNA HEAR THE IDEA. FAIR WARNING, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN HER BOOKS, AND HAVEN'T READ JONOTHAN KING'S BOOKS, YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.