she - ed sheeran

Cara

Leaving the last show, a number of things ran through my head. Each one adding more pressure on my shoulders than the last. It isn't so much my call with Harry, but rather one I haven't had with Lana.

Her texts have stopped coming in, as well as her calls. And I don't know if that makes things better, or worse. But i'd rather not think about that right now.

This is all a boiling mess, and perhaps I am making it out to be more than it actually is, but there is this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't disappear. The mere possibility that I could have cheated on Lizzy is tearing me in half. And then there's Harry.

Adoration has always been there for him, as it always will be. We promised each other that much. However, all I can feel right now at the thought of him is anger, frustration, sadness, and even betrayal. A flash of disappointment goes through me.

"Babe, stop that." I hear Jourdan say, and feel her hand come to my forearm. My head stays buried in my hands and my elbows firmly planted on the table. "You can't do that to yourself. You don't even know what really happened."

I look up, and feel that familiar pinch in my nose. A bitter laugh rises in my throat, and I shake my head in disbelief.

"That just makes it so much worse though. Like, how fucking wrecked was I?" I tell Jourdan. Her eyes soften. "Jour, you know how I am when I drink. Hell -- Lizzy knows, I'm sure that's why she kept trying to reach me. God, I royally fucked this up."

The tears that threaten to leave my eyes blur my vision just the slightest, but I try my hardest to keep them in. I don't want to cry in this restaurant, no matter how secluded we are from the rest of the customers.

"Hey," she states firmly, demanding the eye contact I give her. "You don't know that."

She's right. But it's not enough to settle me, and she knows that. Jourdan has been able to read me just as well as Nina, and with the absence of my best friend, Jourdan has been here to substitute. Rather well, I think to myself. I might even smile at the thought if I wasn't so upset. I let out a sigh.

"I should have listened to you, Jour." I look around momentarily before settling my eyes on Jourdan. She won't say I told you so now, not when I'm like this. She's too kind for that, but I need her to say it. Even if I am the one doing it for her. "When Lizzy and I weren't talking, when we were in that stupid fight. You said I shouldn't have acted the way I did with him -- acted like I was interested in... in starting something again, like I was completely free too. I led him on, I see that now. Even that night -- if we did do something... it would have been totally... welcomed. Expected, even. God,"

I exasperate, once again burying my face in my hands.

"Alright, this, needs to stop." Jourdan's hands come around my wrists and my head snaps up. She sets my wrist down on the wooden table, laying her palms on top of them to keep them in place. There's a certain authoritative fire in her eyes, one I have seen a handful amount of times. The majority being when Riley is in need of a scolding.

"Listen, babe. You don't know what happened. That's unfortunate, it is. But there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Now you can do one of two things." she speaks sternly, and all I can do is shrivel down internally and listen. "Keep this guilt charade over something you don't even know surely happened going. Or, do your best to get over it, women the fuck up and call your girl back. She's worried about you, Cara. Those texts and calls show that. She didn't do anything to deserve you ignoring her."

I let out a short breath and look down. She's right.

"So feel the guilt. Just don't let it stop you from acting on what's right. And in time, let her know what happened. She'll understand if you explain yourself."

Maybe. But Jourdan doesn't know Lizzy as I do. Jealousy is a trait of hers, so is jumping to conclusions. However, I am big enough to admit that I can be the same. Patience has been my enemy so far in this relationship, and I know now that I need to hear her out completely. This up and leaving needs to stop. It doesn't do any of us any good.

"You're right." I whisper.

"I know." Jourdan replies, rather cocky. I look up and see a knowing smile on her lips. My lips curve and I remove my hands from under hers to give her a playful smack. We laugh lightly and I slide closer to her in the booth.

"Thanks, babe." my arms come around her and give her a squeeze as she does the same to me. When I pull away, I check the time on my phone. It's getting late.

"I'll see you tomorrow, babe. I need to head back to the hotel." I give her a goodbye kiss on the cheek. "I have some calls to make."

"Mmm." Jourdan hums. "You better. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye babe."

"Bye." I say one last time as I slide out of the booth, dropping some bills on the table to cover my share.

I rush to the car once I exit the restaurant, this time around ignoring the paparazzi completely and just walking through. The driver wastes no time once I tell him the desired location, going through the streets faster than I was expecting. It isn't until I am past the paps in front of the hotel that I start giving my phone another check.

There are no new messages or calls from Lizzy, and all I can do is go through the one's she has already left. I push the button for my floor once in the elevator and read over some of them, my stomach a mix of nerves and guilt.

Babe is everything okay??

Just reply

I'm worried

Sorry, you're probably busy. just text me when you have time. Xx.

The ding in the elevator goes off and I snap out of the small zone I was in. 24, the needle points to. I walkout and shove my phone into the back pocket of my jeans, taking out the room key from my bag as I continue to make my way towards the suite.

Opening the door, I shove the key back into my purse. I turn the lights on just the slightest, a dim glow settling around me. It isn't until I take my phone back out from my pocket and begin going to my contacts to call Lizzy that I get a glimpse of old leather boots.

I jump back, nearly dropping my phone in the process. Blood runs down my face and my stomach does a flip.

"Cara --" he gets up from his spot on the bed.

"--Jesus, Harry." I let out, taking another step back. "What the fuck?"

"I know, I know. Can we just... talk?" he continues, making strides towards me. The rush of my fright washes through out my body, and I feel the slightest bit uneasy.

"Wh-- Harry how -- how did you get in?" I ramble, setting my bag down on the table beside the coffee pot and placing my hands on top for some stability. Jesus Christ.

"Your room key. The spare, you gave it to me to hold the other night." he states. I think back, and realize he's right. I sigh.

"Of course I did." he's closer now. I make an effort to walk around him, but still feel his body towering over me just inches away.

"Cara, listen. Please. Just let me... explain." the last word he says sounds more like a question, as if he himself is unsure whether that is the word he was looking for.

I turn my body to look him from foot to head. He's wearing his regular attire; worn out boots, tight black jeans, black tee. I can't see his tattoos through his shirt like I can when he wears his white ones, but somehow am that much more aware of their presence on his skin. I continue my gaze, meeting his emerald eyes and feel my heart sink. He's pleading.

"Harry..." I start.

"I know you think what you're doing is right. And I know you feel this... guilt, love. But shutting me out completely won't help this."

Maybe he's right. But maybe that's just the selfish side of me who doesn't want to stop talking to him.

"We're just getting back to how we were. Don't divide us again." he pleads. "The other night... the other night shouldn't stand this much in the way. Not when we don't know if what we think... happened, truly did happen. We need this."

"Harry..." his big, cool hands come to my cheeks, cupping either side of them and completely cutting my thought off.

I feel them burning into me, that feeling I am so used to him giving me consuming me.

"I love you. Don't do this." he goes on. A feeling I can only describe as bittersweet goes into every limb I have, the adoration I have for this man burning me. "What your girlfriend doesn't know won't hurt her."

Tears begin to brim my eyes. I want to look away, but I can't. All I can do is stare back into the forest that are his eyes. He needs to look into my eyes as I say this, and vice versa. "I love you too."

Silence overtakes the room. We don't say another word in that small pause, only somehow go closer. But I know I have to speak first before it becomes too much to handle. "But I'm in love with Lizzy." he never breaks contact; his stare strong. "I want this to work, Harry. I need this to work."

My voice cracks towards the end, and I see him swallow. There is a stare down of sorts between us, unspoken communication taking place when a sudden blare rings through out the room, and I turn my head slowly. His hands never stop cupping my face.

The screen of my phone shines brightly, a picture I took of Lizzy in jersey in clear view as the phone buzzes on the table. I step out of Harry's embrace, still feeling his touch as I walk towards the device. I let it vibrate in my hand for a moment before answering and bring the phone to my ear, looking over at Harry. He stands still, his eyes speaking for him, showing his understanding.

Okay.

"Hello?" her sweet voice echoes in my ear. I feel a sense of relief. Warmth. Security. I take a seat on the edge of the bed.

"Hi baby." I say, rubbing the tip of my nose with the back of my index finger.

I watch Harry pull the room key from his pocket and place it on the table beside my bag. He turns to me, nodding faintly. I lift my lips up in a slight smile, knowing this isn't final, but necessary. I know he knows this as he leaves, as well.

"Are you going to explain how you died and came back, or do I have to guess?" Lizzy says. I let out a laugh.

"Depends. Which one gets me out of the dog house?" she hums, pretending to think.

"Neither." I smile.

an // Harold... come back. Come back!

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