It's been God knows how long since I've written anything on this site. Really, besides this, I'm not sure if I will ever again. Keeping up updates and my personal life was just too much for me; that and the need to please others got too overwhelming. However, this isn't an apology book...it's a book for myself. For the past few years, my mentality has only gotten worse....it's only on the outside that I seem fine. I'm a pretty good actress, if I do say so myself. Call it manipulative or just sad, I've tried not to care about peoples opinions anymore. That's a bit of a cruel statement, but it's true.

Sometimes I've thought about deleting all my stories, or at least unpublishing them, but I could never bring myself to. I guess I didn't want all my work to go to waste, and I didn't want to take away the stories from the people who love them so much. Hell, I still gain followers today, which surprises me; gives me a bit of pride actually. I have picked of few of these stories back up in my private work, as I keep most of my writing work to myself nowadays; though sometimes I'll let close friends read them. It's just better to avoid rejection that way....and that's what I made this book for.

I guess you could call it a therapy book of sorts, since I don't have the funds for actual therapy, nor do I wish to take medication that some might try to give me. We all know what happened to Robin Williams (rest in peace, dear man), and I don't want that happening to me. I have been able to identify a few things that ail be mentally over the years, such as a high case of rejection sensitivity and depression. Hell, I may even have borderline personality disorder due to how life has treated me since I was little, but I don't want to get too personal. I'm more cautious than I was back when I was more active on here, and I do not wish to repeat the mistakes I made during that time....some that haunt and plague my mind to this day.

What made this book a reality was an email I got a few hours ago. I applied for an upcoming Fire Emblem Three Houses zine a week or so ago, and the results came back tonight....I was rejected from a writing position. I had put my heart and soul into my portfolio and work that I used to apply for the position, but it was all for naught. Once again, I have been rejected, and it hurts me more than I thought it would....so much more. This was the first time I had ever done something like this, and I had such confidence about it....now that I've been rejected, it's all gone down the drain. Again, it hit me harder than I expected to, and I've been awake ever since, hardly able to get over the pain of it all. This might sound silly to you, but to me, it meant a lot. I wanted to feel like I was actually worth something; that my work was actually worth something. That all my years of writing would finally be of use and pay off; I was wrong apparently. I know this doesn't necessarily mean I'm a bad writer -I know this because I've gotten a lot better over the years behind the scenes-, but I couldn't help that feeling that claimed my body, as it did many times before: I wasn't good enough. My old schoolmates have told me that, my step mother has told me that, my previous instructors have told me that....even my damned excuse for a father has told me that; throughout my entire life, I've been told I'm not good enough. Now to be slapped in the face with another rejection hurts all the more. I thought I had finally gotten a good grip and control over my rejection sensitivity, but it came back ten-fold when I got the email. I applied for two others, and those emails will be coming in tomorrow and next weekend....God help me then, if I'm to be rejected again. God help me if I'm rejected by all three....God knows what I will be like then.

Until then, I can only try to lessen the pain that seizes me, and distract myself with other things. Marble Hornets, Invader Zim (I've picked that up again after watching Into the Florpus), Code: Realize and Fire Emblem Three Houses are my current distractions and writing topics, so hopefully those will slowly ease the pain within me. I have thought about publishing a story or two concerning those subjects -mainly due to boredom concerning this quarantine we're all in-, but I'm still pondering on that. My biggest project yet has been Broken Marble, which is a non-canon, fan sequel to Marble Hornets (I have not had the privilege of reading the comics concerning the series yet, but I hope to soon). That will likely be the first thing I try and publish if I decide to revisit Wattpad for a short time, while all this quarantine business is going on. But, again, this book is mainly for myself, and these are yet the rantings of a madwoman. If any person bothers to read this nonsense, and shows interest in my private writings, I might yet consider it. However, if I do, I don't seek to pick up some old works, such as ones concerning Undertale and Five Nights at Freddy's. While I do show interest in them from time to time, especially in the new FNAF novellas, I'm not too into the fandom anymore. However, again, Invader Zim, Fire Emblem, Marble Hornets and the creepypasta fandom in general are still things I show interest in (though from current events concerning Ticci Toby leaving the cp fandom, I'm taking a step back on it until things cool down). I've even been working on an original work of my own, inspired by many shows I've grown up with, and new ones I'm currently following. It doesn't have a name yet, but the characters and story are in the works; I may even seek to publish it one day, if I decide not to procrastinate on it. We can thank Hazbin Hotel and the Fever King for sparking that story.

I think I've ranted and talked quite enough for today. I don't think this will be the last anyone hears from me, but I don't expect to be on here as fervently as I once was; I'm far too busy now to do that. However, I shall consider publishing one or two things during the quarantine, as a way to occupy myself and whoever else has cared to stick around during my absence. I've recently gotten back to this site in search of old and new reads, mainly for nostalgic and inspiration purposes; this is why I decided to publish this burn book. This will be deleted later, as it was only made to help me cope with the rejection, as well as to express the feelings I've kept within me for so long. However, if I do decide to publish anything during this quarantine, you will find it on my page eventually. Don't expect much, however, as I've grown to be a very private person concerning my work; it's amazing how a few years can really harden a person.

Anyways, I shall leave this book of nonsense and passing ideas, and cast it to the wind. I shall indulge in some soda and old reads for the rest of the night until I fall asleep; maybe I'll even watch a bit of the Mandalorian or the Golden Girls (I've already watched most of Too Cute and Buzzfeed Unsolved anyway). That is, if my insomnia will allow me, as well as my physical and mental pain. Things really have gone downhill these past few years, haven't they. For those who have bothered to read this page, may whoever you worship or believe in have mercy on you. Little did you know that you would be reading the babbles of a madwoman today; I do apologize for that. I hope you are all fairing well during these trying times, and are keeping in good health and happiness. May you have a good day, one far better than my own.

Thus ends this book and the rantings of a woman who has lost her mind.