random person: heyyy, have you heard? chii-sensei released a new doujin!

random person 2: whoa, of who this time?

random person: it's a pretty unusual pairing of the armed detective agency's atsushi and the port mafia's akuta—

atsushi: HHHHHOOOLLLLLDDDDDD UP. hold that thought— what the—?

random person: oh, hey, it's atsushi-kun! speak of the devil...

random person 2: ohhh god, seeing him in person fuels my desire to read that doujin.

random person: control yourself. but same tho. *touches his arms* this will provide a cinematic experience—

atsushi: EXACTLY, WHAT EVEN ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

kyouka: they seem to be talking about a mangaka making something involving you and akutagawa-san.

tanizaki: uuuuuuuhhhhh kyouka-channnnnnnn let's leave. *sweats*

naomi: aw, don't mind her, onii-sama! let her learn about the ways of the fu—

tanizaki: funeral. yes. which is why we're going.

kyouka: tofu.

tanizaki: ... *checks wallet* ... y'know what, naomi, you can have her.

naomi: yay! this is why i love you, onii-sama~ you always give in to what~ i~ want~! *does the thing she does*

kyouka: *nods* this here is incest.

naomi: ofuck she already knows

kunikida: we will all die

atsushi: uuuuuuuh rather than that, kunikida-san, please help me—

kunikida, holding a bunch of books and running around like a hobo: we will all die we are going to die we are ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE

atsushi: KUNIKIDA-SAN WHAT THE FLOCK

random person: ah, he can't cuss.

random person 2: ah, he can't cuss (2).

random person: ehehehe that's cute~ how about when they finally—

random person 2: in that one doujin—

atsushi, holding up a cross and a bottle of holy water: GET AWAY FROM ME I DON'T LIKE WHERE YOUR CONVERSATIONS ARE GOING

random people: hmmm sureee *yeets away*

atsushi: anyways, KUNIKIDA-SAN! WHAT ARE THOSE?

kunikida: we have a new case to work on.

atsushi: oh, understandable.

kunikida: yes. so, uh, *calms down* gather everyone and let's meet at HQ.

atsushi, suddenly holding a megaphone: EVERYONE FROM A. D. A, PLEASE GATHER AT HQ IMMEDIATELY. YOU'VE GOT 15 MINUTES.

kunikida, voice still louder than the megaphone: BITCHES YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES.

atsushi: harsh.

- in the armed detective agency-

kunikida: so apparently, kingpin made a portal to other dimensions to bring back his dead wife and son, and not only did the spider people meet each other; we also apparently have gotten ourselves caught in the fray.

yosano: which is why?

kunikida: i found doujins lying around in the train station, under the pseudonym, "chii-sensei".

atsushi: ... don't tell me—

kunikida: yes. doujins of us.

the whole office: *big gasp*

dazai: idk why, but this is literally my first time attending a meeting, and it's so worth it.

kunikida: ... I APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE HERE BUT DAMN—

yosano: heyyy, chill your dicks. we need to finish this. and?

ranpo: the thing is... it's normal for people to have doujins of hot people like us, but the reason why kunikida is so worked up is because they are theorized to be published by an alternate dimension version of one of us in the armed detective agency.

dazai: pretty sure there's a lot of me and chuuya in there.

atsushi: and again, dazai-san guesses correctly. *claps sarcastically* fucking genius.

tanizaki: shush you now, atsushi. i know you're bitter about his brains, but please.

naomi: exactly. not only is he wasting bandages, he's also making a dump of all his capabilities—

dazai: stop dissing me please.

atsushi: t c h .

the entire world: ...

random person: nice change of pace. maybe he could be a yandere uke in one—

kunikida: GET THE FUCK OUT!

random person: geez, calm down, mom.

yosano: apparently, the otherworlders have nicknames for us.

kyouka: i've collected the data.

ranpo: same, i've memorized the data.

dazai: lol i helped make the data.

kunikida: ... dazai. what is the name of this city?

dazai: ...amahokoy.

kunikida: ok you're one of us.

atsushi: but he just said literally the reverse of yokohama?

kunikida: exactly.

yosano: all dazais are stupid suicidal pranksters, atsushi-kun.

atsushi: ... rrright. so, what are the nicknames?

kyouka: *reads list of all the cringey nicknames y'all fangirls thought of*

naomi: why am i called a molester

tanizaki: facts, naomi.

naomi: b-but, onii-sama!

tanizaki: exactly.

naomi: ah, shit.

ranpo: anyways, by the looks of it, these doujins are pretty lit. *is reading one*

kunikida: oh, it's dazai and the mafia kid. *also reading behind ranpo's shoulder*

ranpo: lol here's the se—

yosano: *slaps it away* are you guys serious?

kyouka: *peeking at the fallen magazine* ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so that's how these works go.

atsushi: AND WHY ARE YOU UNFAZED?!

kyouka: i've seen live action versions.

atsushi: i... i fail as a senior.

kyouka: i have lived in the mafia and the underground for a long time. what would you expect? you and i live in two different worlds, atsushi-san.

random person 3: AFUREDASHITA—

kunikida: WE SERIOUSLY NEED TO FIX THIS SHIT. A LOT OF COLLABS ARE HAPPENING.

kyouka: that's why... atsusheiji...

random person 3: NAMIDA NO YOU NI—

atsushi: kyoukash...!

random person 3: HITOTOKI NO—

kyouka: go back to that fucking orphanage, damn.

atsushi: are you literally condoning me out of this agency? after i rescued you from that stupid mafia place...

kyouka: i never asked to be rescued, you damn nerd!

random person 4: I KEEP MY IDEALS—

atsushi: but you looked like you were in need of rescuing...

kyouka: are you underestimating me, huh, useless atsushi?!

atsushi: no, it's not like that, kyoucchan—

random person 4: SORE~ZORE—

kunikida, whacking everyone with his notebook: WE HAVE LARGER ISSUES TO FOCUS ON!

tanizaki: i was enjoying the spectacle, but oh well.

kenji: lol i see this is how b*****f*** and b***n*h***a******* look like in real-time...

yosano: you were asleep this whole time? also, you don't watch them when they air?

kenji: yeppp. anddd nope. i stream from illegal sites.

yosano: yo same.

kunikida: anyways, we seriously NEED to find kingpin's laboratory. and also... the armed detective agency member who made these. *flashes doujins*

ranpo: even my ultra deduction can't solve that...

dazai: *dramatic-ass gasp* WHAT?!

ranpo: like i said... i can't. i don't know why. it's as if some a. t. field is shutting me out—

kunikida: *facepalms* so the shitstain just finished eva**eli*n, huh?

naomi: who?

atsushi: eva**eli*n?

kunikida: n*** g***si* eva**eli*on.

mori, skydiving and falling through the roof: I SHALL FORM A PACT WITH THIS AGENCY!

fukuzawa, appearing from a random door: get the hell out, you pedophile.

mori: *dusting his clothes* exactly why i came here. i want to help you find the culprit behind those doujins.

kyouka: ... questionable, but o—

dazai: because they didn't make any doujins of you and elise?

mori: sharp as ever, daza—

that cop from bl**d s: there is no other place you're going to besides the jail, sir. *cuffs mori*

mori: AVENGE ME, MY BROTHERS!!! *is led away in chains*

fukuzawa: ok. *sits down on an empty seat and sips some magically appearing tea* let's do a meeting. but i do want you all to know that i am extremely spontaneous— *stands up* let's fight crime.

- 3 hrs -

dazai: BBBBBBBITTTTCH BITCHBITCHBITCHBITCH— NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THERE'LL BE A GIANT COCKROACH KINGDOM IN HERE—

atsushi, running alongside dazai: URKKKKK WE WERE INFORMED ABOUT T***AFOR**RS, YOU OAF!

kunikida, also running beside them: but that... isn't this a perfect opportunity to die though—

dazai: THAT'S A LOW BLOW, MISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT DESIRE TO DIE IF I AM DRIVEN TO DESPAIR. I WOULD MUCH RATHER DIE BY MY OWN HAND!

atsushi: YOU'RE NOT N**JI??? BEFORE THAT, WHY IS AN ACTUAL BOOK HERE?!

kunikida: BECAUSE DIMENSIONS MERGED AND EVEN IRL IS HERE

atsushi: THAT EXPLAINS WHY IT'S RAINING DOUJINS AND FANART THEN—

akutagawa, from the sky: hhhhHHAAAALLTTTT I'LL SAVE Y'ALL *kills mutated giant cockroach* ok i saved y'all. *disappears.

kunikida: oh no. the balance between the worlds is collapsing. that guy belonged to our dimension.

dazai: not so sure. might be from another dime— *piles of doujins fall on him*

atsushi: i feel really sick rn.

- kingpin's lab -

tanizaki: *wearing his spid**m** suit* hey... have you ever heard of... the shoulder touch?

kingpin: huh?

tanizaki: hey.

- and they save the day -

- but they still haven't found out who chii-sensei is-

tanizaki: the doujins and people are gone and all but...

naomi: who is the geniu— the asshole who created the books?

ranpo: ......... OH CRAP

everyone else: WHAT

ranpo: IT'S YOSANO

yosano: ... not me. the other yosano.

ranpo: THAT WAS SOME NICE ART STYLE THO

yosano: want me to start drawing here as well?

kunikida: ... y-you already have a job—

tanizaki: sure.

naomi: *starts discussing plots*

kunikida: but how did you know, ranpo-san?

ranpo: like i said, there was the a. t. field—

???: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I DON'T WANT TO PILOT THE EVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

kyouka: the machine went wrong.

tanizaki: *escaping through the back door*

••••

references:

- kingpin and the whole dimension thing: if it wasn't obvious enough since i revealed the actual name, it's from into the spider-verse. this includes the lab and the "shoulder touch" at the end done by tanizaki in a spiderman suit. if you've watched the movie, you'll know.

- when kyouka says, "you and i live in two different worlds": the bananafish references start here, because ash literally always says that, in all his edgy glory. can't blame him tho. it ends when her foul language is triggered.

- kyouka, "i never asked to be rescued": bakugo katsuki to izuku midoriya about the sludge incident. it ends when kunikida gets triggered.

- kenji: "bananfish and boku no hero academia in real-time."

- ranpo mentions the "a. t. field": this is from neon genesis evangelion, and i happened upon the opportunity to add it here since i just finished the manga. it was good, yo.

- who arrested mori? the cop from blend s who led dino to jail after he was mistaken as a pedophile harassing maika.

- fukuzawa's spontaneous nature, "let's fight crime": this one is pretty unusual. it's from the 2nd part of the magi abridged series posted by eagle8burger on youtube. check it out if you've seen magi. you won't regret anything.

- cockroach kingdom and mutated cockroaches: terraformars. atsushi also mentioned it.

- quote, "i would much rather die by my own hand": from osamu dazai's most popular novel, "the setting sun", written on naoji's (a character, also mentioned by atsushi) journal.

- "AAAAAAAAAA I DON'T WANT TO PILOT THE EVAAAAAAAAAAA": the gist of shinji ikari's existential crises in neon genesis evangelion.