"Have you find out the gender already? Is it a boy or a girl? Oh, I hope it's a boy! I'm gonna teach him baseball and play with other kids and--"

"Sweetie, calm down! Lory just got home, look oh! She's tired!" My lolo and lola bickered like kids as I got back home from my 4th month check-up. I put my bag down on the sofa sat down as well as my grandparents.

"So? What is it?" Lola excitedly asked which made me giggle. I grab the folded paper in my bag and waved it at them.

"I don't know yet, but you two can look first." I said handing lolo the paper. He immediately opened it and look through it.

"Oh God..." he mumbled and my brows furrowed.

"Why? What does it say?" I asked and lolo slowly shake his head, "I can't read it, I need my glasses." he said before standing up which made me burst out laughing. While lolo is searching for his glasses, lola who's also struggling to read kept on trying, wanting to be the first one to know the gender of my baby.

"It's a girl! Sweetie look! It says 'girl'!!" Lola shouted and my eyes widened, both me and lolo rush at both her sides and look at the paper. At the left side on the down area of the paper, in a bold text says 'Girl'.

My jaw dropped, us three looked at each other, surprised expressions printed on our faces.

"You're gonna have a girl!!" Lolo exclaimed before pulling me into a hug and so is lola. It was a group hug for us while I slightly shed tears that I immediately wiped out since I don't want them to get worried.

Lola told me to get rest first since I shouldn't be getting tired and stressed too much anymore. I stayed in my room, laying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling. On the corners of my room are baby stuffs that lolo or lola bought before. I also have other things there. There are also sewed baby clothes that me and lola made.

I sat down on my bed and reach for my phone, dialing Sam's number. I know it's late in the Philippines by now but I am hoping he's still awake.

[Hello?] I gasped when he answered.

"Hey! Did I woke you up ba?" I asked, I hope I didn't.

[No no, I'm working, why?] he asked and I slowly nod,

"I'm having a girl, Sam! A baby girl!" I squealed.

[What?! It's today?!] he exclaimed and I giggled, "Yes, I just got home from check-up, and it's a girl!! A mini me!!" I happily said, a wide smile printed on my face.

[Wow!! That's great!! Are you excited?] he asked and I nod, "Of course!! Why won't I be excited! A baby girl! I can dress her up!!" I exclaimed and he giggled.

[Okay okay, congratulations, but I need to go na, I'm working.] he said and I nod, "Sure sure, thank you for listening and sorry for bothering you." I said and he hummed.

[It's nothing, take care, Louise.] he said and I smiled, "You too Sam." I replied before ending the call.

I spend the whole day either sleeping, eating or doing something that does not require so much work. By dinner, I also helped lola to cook but she mostly scold me for being in the kitchen.

Around 10 in the evening, I messaged our group chat and asked if they're free. It's 10 in the morning there and I hope they're not busy.

From: Tobias

I'm not, bakit?

From: Gwen

Why sissy? May problem ba?

From: Louise

Wala naman, may sasabihin lang ako, pwedeng tumawag?

From: Alejandra

Sure sure, I won't mind.

After I saw that all of them seen my message, I immediately press call and it's Ali, Gwen and Tobi who first answered. Few seconds later is Jax and Laura.

[HEY!! What's up?] Laura happily said and I waved at her.

[It's 10 pm Lory, why are you still up?] tanong ni Ali at napasimangot ako.

"I just want to announce something!" I exclaimed and Ali giggled before nodding.

[Diba sabi mo ngayon mo malalaman ang gender ng baby mo?] Jax asked and my eyes widened before nodding.

"You remembered! Well yes, iyon nga ang sasabihin ko." I replied and Gwen gasped,

[Oh Em Gee!! Sissy!! Spill the gender na!!] Gwen exclaimed which made me giggle and nod.

I sat properly on bed and stared at their faces who are all focused on their phones.

"Well... it's a girl!!" Almost everyone gasped, Tobi got his lips parted and looking at the camera shocked while Gwen, Laura and Jax are jumping while Ali just sat there in shock, almost same reaction as Tobi.

[Sissy!! I'm so happy for you!! Sana kamukha mo!!] Gwen exclaimed and I giggled before nodding, "It would be nice if she gets her father's eyes." I replied and they all looked at me with mischievous grins.

[Bumalik kana kasi.] Tobi said and my brows furrowed before shaking my head.

"No, too soon, Tobi. Saka na, when he already have his life stable." I replied and they all nod, they are moving in unison! How cute!!

[Pero sissy talaga, awang-awa na ako sa kaniya. Hindi ko kakayanin, plus!! Gaga ka! Kaibigan pala niyia 'yong ex ko!] Gwen exclaimed which made me burst out laughing.

[What a small world nga naman.] Ali teased and Gwen rolled her eyes.

I giggled, "Balita ko tatakbo si tito sa next national elections?] I said, catching Gwen's attention.

[Well yes, hindi ako gaano ka supportive, baka hindi nalang ako mag-engage masyado.] she replied and I slowly nod.

Tumagal pa ang usapan namin ng ilang minuto. Hanggang sa utay-utay na silang nagpaalam dahil may gagawin o may klase. Pagkatapos din ng tawag na 'yon ay natulog na ako dahil gaya nga ng sabi nila ay hindi maganda ang magpuyat at kulang sa tulog ang buntis.

Sa mga sumunod na araw ay kitang-kita na ang paglaki ng tiyan ko. Linggo-linggo rin ako kumukuha ng side view picture ng tiyan ko para makita ang development nito. Balak ko na kapag nakapanganak na ako ay ico-compile ko ito para maipakita sa mga kaibigan ko. Nagbabakasakali rin ako na maipakita ko ito kay Inin sa future kung sakali man na magkaka-ayos kami.

Wala na rin ako gaanong hirap na nararamdaman hindi kagaya ng mga nakaraang buwan na masyadong maselan ang pang-amoy at panlasa ko. Nawala na rin ang pagsusuka ko sa umaga at sa gabi. Iyon na nga lang ay palagi akong gutom at kailangan ay may pagkain ako sa malapit.

Noong nakaraan din na buwan ay kinausap ako ni dad at nagsabi na papadalhan ako ng pera. Noong una ay umayaw ako, ayoko na umasa. Dito na nga lang kila lola at lolo ay palamunin ako at ang anak ko. Pero naisip ko rin na mas mahihirapan sila lola kung sa kanila lang talaga ako aasa kaya kalaunan ay pumayag na rin ako. Para ito sa anak ko kaya ibababa ko muna ang pride ko. Para ito sa malusog na paglaki ng anak ko, kung mag-iinarte pa ako at magpapalamon sa pride ko ay baka magutom at mamayat ang anak ko.

Ang pera na aking naipon ay itinatago ko para sa panganganak ko. Hindi ko pa alam kung cesarean ba o normal ang panganganak ko. Pero kung anuman ang kailangan ay sigurado ako na kaya kong bayaran ang sariling hospital bill ko at sapat na para panggastos sa anak ko ng mga ilang buwan.

"What if magtrabaho ako pagkatapos manganak?" tanong ko kay Laura habang ngumunguya.

[No! Hindi pwede! Baka mabinat ka!!] she exclaimed which made me giggle, I threw an almond in my mouth and shrugged.

"After months? Pwede naman na siguro? Ayaw ko na maging palamunin lang." sagot ko rito at narinig ko siya na suminghap.

[Consult your OB about that, Lory. I understand your point but your health and your baby's health is much important.] she replied and I slowly nod while looking around the yard.

"I will, don't worry, I won't make impulsive decisions anymore." I replied, taking 3 pieces of nuts at once.

[Right! Your decisions won't just affect you but your baby girl too!] she exclaimed and I giggled.

[Wait, do you have a name na? I can help!! What about Victoria, Eloise, Charlotte, Harriet, Odessa--]

"Laura, calm down, I can tell those are your co-models names." I cut her off that made her giggle.

[Hindi ah! Those are famous names kasi here in New York.] she replied and I chuckle before shaking my head.

"Wala pa akong naiisip, siguro ay kapag 8 months na ako." I replied and she hummed.

[Okay, as you say, ninang is here to help!] she exclaimed and I burst out lauging.

"Si Ali raw ang ninang." I said and I heard her gasp, [Both kami ninang! Hindi ako papayag na hindi ako ninang!] she exclaimed and I threw my head back as my laughter gone louder.

"Fine fine, sabi mo eh, kapag nasa Pilipinas na tayo." I replied and she hummed,

[Okay, but I need to go na, hon. Take care always, okay! Bye!! Love you!] she exclaimed before ending the call.

I let out a sigh before resting my hand on my growing stomach.

"The sunset is so pretty, anak." I said while looking at the sky, it is now around 6pm and I'm by the door step of the house and appreciating the cold breeze of Canada.

For the next days, I'm reaching my 5th month. I've made some friends here in our neighborhood. Even though that I still have the mood swings and terrible hormones that everything annoys me, I was still able to talk to the ladies who's around my age and even the kids! I would walk with the kids every morning, lola said I need some sunlight too.

I'm also learning how to take care of kids. Sometimes, the kids have their parents with them and they are the best. They teach me things and give me advices. They give me tips on how to handle babies specially they know that I'm a single mother. I begun looking up at them and I have a vision on how I should be a mother in the future. Bukod kay tita Aleah ay may idea na ako kung paano maging ina.

I'm peacefully sewing a stuffed toy for my baby when I received a call from Gwen. I'm expecting that she called me just to check up on me or tell me some of her chika. But what she told me hit me like a truck.

[Sissy, patay na si tita Aleah.] Nabitawan ko ang ginagawa ko at agad napatayo.

"What?! Totoo ba?!! No!!" Agad kong naramdaman ang mga luha na umagos sa pisnge ko.

"Tell me you're lying, please!!" I pleaded, tears streaming down my cheeks and my feet stomping on the floor, ayaw kong maniwala.

[Lory... I wish I am lying... pero hindi. Wala na siya, wala na si tita Aleah.] Napatakip ako sa aking labi bago nagpakawala ng ilang paghagulgol. Maski si Gwen sa kabilang linya ay hindi na mapigilan nag maiyak.

Tita Aleah is the best, kaming lahat, kaming anim na magkakaibigan, itinuring niya kami na parang anak niya. Sobra niyang bait at nasa kaniya ang katangian ng isang ina na wala ang ina ko.

"Hindi pwede... Gwen... paano si Ali?" The thought of Ali finding out about her mom's death gave a big pang in my heart.

Kung kami nga lang ni Gwen ay humahagulgol na, paano pa si Ali sa mga oras na 'to?

[Iyon na nga eh... hindi... hindi nga siya sumasagot sa mga tawag ko, kahit messages. Lory baka kung anong gawin ni Ali!!] Pumanggahaw ng iyak si Gwen sa kabilang linya kaya mas lalong bumuhos ang mga luha ko.

Pinatay ko ang tawag at sunod na tinawagan si Ali, pero gaya ng sabi ni Gwen ay hindi ito sumasagot. Ilang messages ang sinend ko sa kaniya sa puntong na-restrict na akong magsend ng messages.

Nang tawagan ako ni Laura ay maski ito ay umiiyak, pero pinapatahan ako nito dahil hindi raw maganda para sa anak ko.

[Lory, please calm down na, baka mapahamak kayo ng baby mo.] she said, sobbing from the other line.

Kalahating oras na yata akong umiiyak sa kama ko.

Napa-iling ako habang inaabangan na ma-seen manlang ni Ali ang messages ko.

"Wala na si tita Aleah..." bulong ko at muling bumuhos ang mga luha ko.

Ilang minuto pa akong pinakalma ni Laura hanggang sa kailangan na niyang patayin ang tawag. Lumipas ang gabi at kinabukasan nang wala kaming balita kay Ali. Ang tatay naman niya ay na-contact na namin pero ang sinabi lang nito ay hindi raw makaka-uwi si Ali ng Pilipinas.

Agad umuwi ng Tagkawayan si Tobi at Gwen para pumunta ng burol ni tita. Ang kwento ni Tobi ay muntikan pa raw mahimatay si Gwen nang makita ang kabaong. Hindi rin nila nagawa na magtagal manlang dahil may mga kailangan pa silang asikasuhin.

Dalawang araw na ang nakakaraan nang mamatay si tita. Wala pa rin kaming balita kay Ali. Sinusubukan ko, araw-araw, oras-oras, gusto ko siyang maka-usap. Gusto ko na marinig ang boses niya. Gusto ko marinig ang pag-iyak niya. Kailangan niyang iiyak at ilabas ang nararamdaman niya. Kung hindi siya makaka-uwi ay paniguradong nagluluksa ito at labis na nanlulungkot dahil hindi niya maihahatid si tita sa huling hantungan nito. Kailangan kong masigurado na kahit nagluluksa ay ayos lang ang kaibigan ko.

[Nag-seen si Ali!!] Nagkagulo kaming lima habang nasa Zoom call, nakita na nito ang link na isinend ko kanina.

[I hope she joins!] Laura said with full of hope. Dahil ako ang host ng Zoom ay hinihintay ko na magpa-admit ito. At nang makita ko ang pangalan niya ay agad ko itong in-admit.

[Ali!! How are you feeling!]

[Ali, kamusta?! Okay ka lang ba?!]

[Sigurado ka ba na hindi ka uuwi? Gusto mo na kami nalang ang pumunta diyan?]

[Sissy... kumakain ka pa ba?]

Sabay-sabay silang nagsigawan nang lumabas ang maputla, payat at pagod na mukha ni Ali sa screen.

'Yong bestfriend ko... kawawa 'yong bestfriend ko.

Tumango si Ali, [Okay lang.] Wala siyang maloloko sa boses niya. Garalgal na ito at paos na paos. Halata rin na umiyak siya dahil mugtong-mugto pa ang mga mata nito.

[Sissy... hindi ka okay, hindi ka ba talaga uuwi?] Nag-aalalang tanong ni Gwen.

Umiling si Ali habang nakatingin sa baba, [Sayang ang oras, sayang ang ticket. Baka mahirapan na akong bumalik.] she replied and we all slowly nod.

[Pero... alagaan mo naman ang sarili mo, Ali. Huwag mo naman pabayaan ang kalusugan mo.] Malumanay na turan ni Jax at agad akong tumango.

"Oo nga! Tingnan mo! Ang payat na ng mukha mo!" I exclaimed and she let out a scoff.

[Isn't it better? I'm getting skinny, finally.] she sounded... depressed.

Umiling ako at agad namuo ang mga luha sa mata ko, "Ali, hindi sa ganiyang paraan ang pagpayat." I said but she shook her head, taking a deep breath.

[I already said I'm okay, so... how are you? Lory? Kamusta ang pagbubuntis? Kaya mo ba talaga?] Her question stunned me.

What does that supposed to mean?

[Kasi diba... baka ano... baka hindi mo na pala kaya. What if hindi mo pala kayanin? What if things go downhill? What if hindi mo maalagaan ang anak mo ng maayos? Paano kung matulad ka sa nanay mo--]

[Alejandra, anuba!!?] Gwen shouted, I sat there in shock, lips parted while staring at my laptop screen.

Did she just... doubted me? For being a mother? Something that she kept on supporting me from day one?

Ali let out a chuckle, [Kasi diba sabi mo ayaw mo naman talaga magka-anak? Baka napipilitan ka lang na buhayin ang bata. Baka sa huli ay pabayaan mo rin siya at---]

[Lory, kick her out the call! Please!! Ali, tumigil kana!!] Gwen shouted, I couldn't move my hands or any part of my body.

Para akong na-estatwa at muling bumalot ang takot sa akin.

What if I end up like her too? What if I end up hurting my child, treating it like nothing? What if I end up being a monster like her?

[Ilang araw na nag-alala si Lory sa 'yo! Tapos ganiyan ang sasabihin mo?! Akala ba namin kaibigan ka?! Bakit mo sinasabi 'yang mga 'yan!? Nababaliw kana ba?!] Gwen and Ali exchanged shouts and screams. Words that I can no longer register in my mind.

Mom... monster... I'm gonna be a monster too.

I hurriedly closed my laptop, the noise ended but the tears started streaming down my cheeks. My hands started shaking and I can feel my whole body trembling. The tears won't stop even though I've tried to take deep breaths.

I even slapped my face and did a close-open with my hands.

None of them worked.

I rush to my bags and search for a tube I never know I would need but I always have just incase. I've never been in this situation for years. Mom and I had never been into a fight that cause me into this situation. I never thought my own bestfriend would be the cause of another episode.

Muling lumipas ang dalawang araw, inalis ni Gwen si Ali sa group chat at ganoon din ang pag-block nila dito. Kapag tatanungin nila kung okay lang daw ako ay lagi kong sinasabi na okay lang ako, dahil iyon naman ang totoo.

Kilala ko si Ali, kilalang-kilala ko siya. Hindi siya magbibitaw ng ganoong salita kung hindi siya dehado. Alam ko na hindi lang pagkamatay ni tita Aleah ang bumabagabag sa kaniya.

Pero hindi ko inaasahan na madadagdagan pa.

[Tito Isaiah died... a day after tita Aleah got burried.] Iyon ang bumungad sa akin nang tawagan ako ni Gwen.

Na estatwa ako, "H-Ha? Paano? Paano si Ali--"

[Lory she did a bad thing to you! Kaya na niya ang sarili niya!] Gwen cut me off.

I slowly shook my head as tears begun forming in my eyes, "Ali... Ali is suffering, Gwen! Kaya lang niya nasabi ang mga 'yon, intindihin natin siya, please!" I pleaded and I hear Gwen scoff from the other line.

[Did she do the same thing to you--]

"Oo!! Sobra-sobra! Ikaw! Parang hindi ka rin inintindi ni Ali, ah! She did things for you too! You know her, Gwen! You know our Ali! Hindi siya magsasabi ng ganoon kung okay lang siya! She's clearly suffering! And we need to understand her! She needs us too!!" I'm crying, no, begging Gwen to understand and not blame Ali on this one. She needs us, but here we are, cutting our contacts with her.

[Lory-]

"No, kung magmamatigas ka, kung magagalit ka kay Ali, magalit kana rin sa akin!" I shouted before ending the call.

I threw my phone towards the eco bags to make sure it won't hit a hard surface. I, once again, for the 2nd time of the week, cried myself to sleep.

It's been a month since us six had a call together, we added Ali back but she never seen any messages. Gwen would read the messages but never reply. Tobi also said that Gwen left their apartment a month ago. Laura, Tobi and Jax are those who are only messaging each other. The group chat that was once filled with laughter and jokes, now feels dull and empty. We're broken.

But I had to brush everything off. Kahit masakit, kahit mahirap, kahit nakakapanibago, kailangan ko na hindi mamroblema. Or else the growing little girl in me would suffer too.

"Ang dami na ng gamit ng apo ko." I jolted up a bit when lola peaked inside my room while I'm folding the new washed baby clothes.

I smiled and moved a bit to give her space on the bed, she walk towards me and smiled.

"Ang laki mo na talaga, ang liit-liit mo noong huli kitang nakita. Akala ko hindi na ulit kita masisilayan." she said and I felt the warm feeling in me.

"Lola..." I cooed when I saw the tears in her eyes.

"Look at you, oh! You're gonna be a mommy na!" she exclaimed and I felt like I'll start crying soon too.

"Halika nga rito." she pulled me into a hug and I felt her rub my backs.

"Magiging mabuti kang ina, nakikita ko na." Her words brought joy and comfort in me.

"I'll try, lola." I said and she chuckled before pulling away form the hug but she's still holding onto both my shoulders.

"Tama 'yan, walang perpektong ina, pero maari kang maging pinakang lahat na ina sa anak mo." she said which made me giggle.

"Magkakamali ka rin, magkakasala ka, maiinis at magagalit ka sa anak mo, pero sa huli, alam mo sa sarili mo na handa mong gawin ang lahat para sa anak mo. Normal lang na magkamali ka, maiyak ka minsan dahil ayaw tumigil sa kakaiyak, kapag may sakit ang anak mo na halos mabaliw-baliw ka. Hindi ko man naranasan magkaroon ng sarili anak, pero napapanood at naririnig ko ang mga 'yon. I know you can be the best mom you can, 'no!" she exclaimed, playfully booping my nose, making both of us giggle.

I entered my 7th month, lolo and lola got more and more protective to me. Baka nga kung kaya pa ng tuhod ni lolo ay buhatin na ako nito pababa. Maski ang pagbili ng mga gamit ng anak ko ay halos hindi nila ako payagan. Lagi ko silang kasama kung sakali man na lalabas ako. Maski ang mga kapit-bahay namin ay araw-araw halos akong bisitahin.

I think my baby would grow into the best surrounding I could give her.

Nagulat ako nang biglang tumawag si Tobi sa akin, alas dos ng hapon, ibig sabihin ay alas dos na ng umaga sa Pilipinas. Ano kaya ang nangyari?

"Hello? Tobi, what's up?" I asked, slightly adjusting the bowl on my big tummy.

I heard him hissed, [Hello... alam ko na nagka-away kayo ni Gwen last-last month, galit kapa ba sa kaniya?] he asked and my lips parted.

"Of course no, Tobi. Hindi na, I already forgave her and I hope she did the same thing to Ali." I replied and he hummed, [That's good, I'm glad to hear that.] he replied and I smiled before throwing a grape in my mouth.

"Kasama mo ba siya? Bumalik na ba siya sa apartment niyo?" I asked and I once again heard him hiss.

[Lory... as much as I don't want to worry you pero... Gwen got abducted by her father's enemies.] The grape in my hand fell down on the ground.

"W-What? Totoo ba? Tobi don't joke around--"

[I'm not! I just... I just found out when tita called me. Ang sabi niya ay ilang araw na raw hindi umuuwi si Gwen sa bahay nila dito sa Manila. She's... nowhere to be found.] Putol nito sa akin, napa-awang ang mga labi ko at agad akong napatayo at inilapag ang mangkok ng pagkain sa lamesa.

"Lola! Lola!!" I shouted while holding my phone. Si lola na galing sa backyard ay nagtatakbo papalapit sa akin.

"Ano?! Anong nangyari?! May masakit ba sa 'yo?!" Taranta nitong tanong, ang mga luha sa pisnge ko ay agad bumuhos.

[Lory kalma.]

"Lola, nabalitaan niyo po ba na na-kidnap ang anak ni General Jimenez?!!" Taranta kong tanong, napakunot ang noo ni lola bago umiling.

"Hindi, walang sinabi sa balita." sagot nito at napa-awang ang labi ko.

[Ayaw ilabas ni tito sa media, gusto niyo na hanapin si Gwen nang palihim. Ayaw niya na marumihan ang pangalan niya sa mga oras na 'to.] Natigilan ako sa sinabi ni Tobi.

"Are you serious?! Seryoso ka ba?! That's his daughter!! His daughter is missing and all he cares is about that damn election and campaign!" I shouted before rushing towards the the stairs to get to my bedroom.

[Lory, kumalma ka please, baka mapa-anak ka nang wala sa oras, please, calm down.] Pagsusumamo ni Tobi sa kabilang linya habang ako itong nakahiga na sa kama at yapos-yapos ang unan ko.

"How can I b-be? Nag-away kami noong huli namin na usap? Masama ang loob ko sa kaniya ng mga oras na 'yon!" I exclaimed, more tears streaming down my cheeks.

[We'll look for her, okay? I got some help, si Sam, diba mayaman sila? 'Yong ex ni Gwen na nag a-abogado! Katulong namin siya! Huwag ka nang mag-alala, please! Ayaw sana ipaalam ni Ali at Laura noong mga unang araw na nawawala si Gwen, pero hindi na namin matiis na hindi mo alam.] he replied and I couldn't answer at all. All I can do is cry and listen to Tobi calming me down.

How can I not calm down? How can I calm down at this situation when the life of my friend is in danger?!

A sobbed escaped my lips, "We fought the last time we talked. Why are things going like this? I don't feel so good, Tobi."