(bold and italic=leah narrating)
tw-eating disorder talk

THESE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS HAVE BEEN ANYTHING BUT EASY.

leah stood in front of her bathroom mirror, trying to brush her hair. but as she did, more and more of it fell out. finally, she gave up and pulled all of the hair in the brush out of it and into the trash.

i've started loosing my hair. this has never happened before. it's not just when i wash my hair that large clumps come out. if i even run my hand through my hair, a dozen strains will come out.

throwing the brush onto the counter, she went downstairs to get some breakfast, otherwise known as water.

i know i promised dawn i would eat in return to her keeping my secret until i really need help, but when you have a eating disorder, you can't just eat like that. it takes time. you can start off with smaller meals, and soon go on. but that hasn't been working for me.

"morning leah!" ginny greeted her, as she walked into the kitchen, "what's on the schedule for today?"

"uh...babysitters club meeting, birthday planning, and yeah. that's about it." leah said, as lola made her a plate of fruit.

"any ideas for your birthday?" ginny asked, giving louise a bowl of cereal.

"uh...probably just the girls over. thomas, spiers, schafers, kishis-"

"you know, i had an idea for your birthday." lola said, placing the fruit platter in front of leah, "what about a bigger? party? like one with dresses, big dresses. and a huge cake-"

"mom that sounds terrifying." leah said, taking a little bite of a kiwi, "and also, it sounds more of a sweet sixteen thing."

"no! we could rent this huge tent, and it would be like a ball! you could be cinderella!" lola smiled.

"i'd rather be like rapunzel." leah said.

"you can be any princess you want! just...think about it, ok? it would be fun."

••••

"OKAY! TODAYS CLUB DISCUSSION...LEAH!" kristy announced, doing jazz hands at leah, who was attempting to clean her dirty roller skates.

"what?" leah asked.

"your birthday! what are we gonna do for it?" clauida asked, as she was painting stacey's nails.

"uhh...dunno yet. probably just a small party." leah shrugged.

"for your 15th birthday? which is then your 16th birthday? no. we should do something awesome!" mary anne cheered.

"like a water park!" mallory smiled.

"...like get a water park for my birthday?" leah asked, as mallory shook her head yes, "let's put that on the sweet 16 list."

"what about a pool party?" kristy asked, "at a pool party, i can continue my tradition of smashing your head into the cake after you blow out your candles."

"no! no. no swimming." leah said.

"leah, you can stay in the shallow end." jessi assured her.

"no. just...we've been swimming all summer. let's do something else!" leah smiled.

"what about we have a bonfire!" dawn recommended.

the girls started to agree with her.

"and then we can all throw something into the bonfire to represent letting go! i can throw my necklace my dead cousin gave to me in it!"

the room fell silent, and everyone looked at dawn.

"maybe...no. but how about a different time?" leah smiled, "my mom did have an idea, but i dunno if it's too immature."

"nothing is too immature! what is it?" stacey asked.

"she was thinking of doing something like...a ball. big fluffy dresses, fancy suits, and a huge cake. and i dunno if i should save it for my sweet 16, but-"

"bubbles! it's perfect!" mary anne cheered.

"it's the best idea ever! oh my gosh, the big dresses! it sounds amazing! like a cottagecore thing? that's so cute!" stacey ranted.

"maybe. i-i dunno, still. is it too much?" leah asked.

"no! absolutely not! and you know what would make it better?" kristy asked.

leah shrugged at her.

"having your 15th birthday at a rich guys house."

••••

(ignore the necklace, leah's a virgo)

"A HUGE PARTY?!"

"yes! and kristy was thinking of having it in your backyard." leah said, as she folded up her laundry.

"leah, you've never wanted to do something like this. are you ok."

"absolutely! i'm just as sane as you! now, go get a pretty suit, sammy-boy! this is gonna be a great party!" gasping, leah continued, "you could have a flower that's the same color as my dress! i haven't picked out a dress yet, but mom and mama are taking me shopping soon!"

"mom and mama?"

"is that too corny? i'm still figuring out what to call ginny." leah cringed.

"just call her moms wife. anyways, when is this?"

"saturday! also, watson already said it was ok, so ha!" leah smiled, folding a tank top.

"fine. i've gotta go look through my closet for a shirt. smell you later."

"smell you later, samantha!"

leah hung up the phone and took a sigh, placing her laundry basket back where it came from and leaving her room.

"louise! what do you want for lunch?" leah yelled throughout the quiet house.

"dennys!" louise yelled.

"fine! don't tell mom and moms wife though! the regular?!"

"yes!" louise yelled back.

leah got her phone out and began to place and order, when a knock on her door was placed. going down the stairs and opening the door, she was greeted with dawn.

"hello dawn-"

"can i come in?" dawn asked, a light jacket wrapped around her graphic tee.

"oh. of course," leah said, moving aside for dawn to come in, "would you like some tea? it kinda cold out today."

"no, i brought my own tea." dawn said, reaching in to her pocket and pulling out two tea bags.

"how...wonderful." leah smiled, as dawn headed towards the kitchen.

it's better than keeping tylonal in a tote bag and having it spill everywhere in the middle of starbucks. i don't speak from experience. i promise. but, what is she doing here?

••••

THE TWO SAT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, funky coffee mugs in each of their hands from ginny, who makes a living off of pottery.

why is she here? i'm not trying to be rude or anything, but is it about my eating disorder? did she tell someone? oh no.

leah brought the mug up to her lips and took a shaky sip.

"how are you doing?" dawn asked.

"uhm," leah started, wiping her lips with the back of her wrist, "ok. starting to warm up to fruit. kiwi, mostly. i'm still at 95 pounds, though."

"ok. ok, cool." dawn nodded, looking down at her mug, which had a face on it, "excited for your birthday?"

"uh, yeah. i'm going dress shopping tomorrow. hoping to find a blue dress. or a yellow one. i wanna look like a princess." leah smiled.

"that's cute...that's cute." dawn nodded.

the two sat in an awkward silence, before dawn sighed and dropped her head into her hands.

"i can't keep this secret, leah," dawn muttered, "i mean, 95 pounds? that's insane! you need help."

"dawn, i'm gonna get help! after my birthday! i just wanna fit into my dress, ok? i wanna look like a real princess!"

"leah, you basically are a walking princess! you have a nickname of bubbles, and if that isn't the most disney princess nickname ever, then i dunno what is." dawn admitted.

"ok, look, just let me have my princess moment, ok? let me be a beautiful skinny blonde princess for a couple more days! and then, you can get me help. ok?" leah begged dawn, wrapping her fingers together in a begging manner.

dawn sat there, wondering what to do. leah needed help.

"please, dawn." leah begged her one last time.

dawn sighed, "fine. please, make sure to take care of yourself, though."

leah sighed and nodded, "i will."

dawn lifted up her mug and chugged the rest of her tea, wiping her mouth off after, "i've gotta go. mom needs my help with esmè. text me later on how you're doing, ok?"

leah nodded, as dawn blew a quick kiss to leah, "i love you, please stay safe."

"i will, dawn." leah smiled, as dawn turned and left the kitchen.

you know that saying 'hurts so good?' like peeling off a scab or bandaid, or maybe spending all of your money? that's what goes through my head when i do this stuff.

••••

LOLA SQUEALED AS SHE PLACED THE DRESS LEAH PICKED OUT on her clothing rack, "get excited! big 15 tomorrow!"

"yeah, i'm really excited." leah smiled at her.

"me too! we haven't done a party this big for you in so long! ugh! i've missed my little princess." lola smiled, "did sam get the right flower for his suit?"

"yeah. he made me call him and tell him what to do at the flower shop. but we got it down."

"awesome! now, i'll leave you alone with the dress in case you wanna...try it on." lola teased.

"most definitely." leah nodded, as lola left the room.

the dress was cute. it wasn't out of the park material, but it was cute. i'm not really feeling myself at the moment. i feel...sick.

••••

LIGHTS WERE HUNG AROUND THE BREWER'S BACKYARD, as guests were already entering the birthday party. a sign that said 'happy 15 bubbles!' was hung up as well, made by the BSC in honor of their awesome head of social media works.

"this dress is too tight." stacey whined, trying to adjust her purple dress.

"it looks loose, though." mallory said, dressed in a yellow jumpsuit.

"at the bottom. it feels like it's suffocating me at the top, though." stacey gasped.

dawn and mary anne entered the party, immediately heading towards the two, dawn dressed in a brown floor-length dress and mary anne dressed in a dress similar to wendy darling's.

"hi!" mary anne greeted them happily.

"...is that wendy darling's dress?" mallory asked, as jessi walked over with a cup of punch.

"uh, yeah! i thought it was a princess party!" mary anne smiled.

stacey looked at her weirdly, "what?"

"well, the way bubbles described it made it seem like it was a princess party! you know, the big poofy dresses and such! but now that i'm here, i realize it was not that!"

"wendy isn't a princess, though." jessi said.

"yes she is!" dawn and mary anne defended.

"what gives you that idea?" jessi asked.

"uhm...she's in a disney movie? she has a platonic lover? there's a girl that doesn't like her-"

"i don't like tinkerbell." dawn admitted.

"shush, so tell me why she's not a disney princess and...the girl from hercules is!" mary anne asked.

"the girl from hercules is a princess-"

"but why?!" dawn and mary anne cried.

"i hate to interrupt this very amazing conversation, but where is bubbles? shouldn't she be here?" stacey asked.

"i dunno. maybe she's making a huge entrance. it is her birthday." dawn shrugged.

"wait, where's kristy?" jessi asked.

"she went to put on her dress." mallory told her.

almost as if it was on cue, kristy came out into the backyard in her baby blue dress. leah always loved it.

"kristy!" mary anne cheered, running up to her, "you look darling!"

"i dunno. it doesn't fit like it used to." kristy frowned.

"it fits fine!" claudia assured her, finally joining the conversation. she had on a rainbow dress and hippie glasses.

"hey, have you guys seen leah?" sam asked, walking over to the group.

"uhh, no. she hasn't shown up yet." dawn told him.

"oh, cool. cool." sam nodded, adjusting the little flower in his suit pocket that matched leah's dress.

"oh, stop being a nervous nelly! she's in love with you!" mallory insisted.

"yeah, i know, but..." sam trailed off, wondering if he should say anything, "she's been weird. ever since summer. and i'm just wondering if she's ok."

dawn's stomach was in her throat.

"honestly, yeah, she has. has she been ok?" stacey asked.

"i think so! she likes fruit!" dawn said loudly, awkwardly laughing afterwards.

the group looked at her strangely, before she continued.

"i went to this group thing a couple days ago and we had to put wax in our ears! i cant hear too well! haha! ahaha!" dawn explained.

"...cool." clauida nodded, as jessi took a awkwardly sip from her punch.

••••

I'VE THROWN UP THREE TIMES IN THE LAST TWELVE HOURS.

leah held a cold wash cloth against her forehead, as she looked at herself in the bathroom mirror.

i dunno! it's just like, ever since dawn showed up to my house, ive had the nervous jitters!

she took a deep breath in and brought the wash cloth away from her face, looking at the makeup in the bathroom.

but i'm not giving up my birthday just because i've lost a couple pounds. i'm gonna be a princess tonight.

••••

"MOM! CHILL OUT, IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD IF WE'RE A HALF HOUR LATE." leah assured her mom, as she rushed over to the brewer's house.

"also, it's like 7 blocks away." ginny added, as leah nodded.

"i don't care! this has been planned for god knows how long and we're late! it makes my blood pressure skyrocket!" lola ranted.

"i think shes over it." louise sighed, as she wore a yellow dress.

"i'd say."

••••

AND HERE WE ARE! A FRAT BOY BIRTHDAY PARTY BUT FOR A GIRL!

leah opened the car door and got out, walking up to the front and opening the door. her ears were filled with 'happy birthday, leah!' and 'awesome dress!' which she just nodded to and smiled.

she made her way to the back and was greeted by the club.

"leah! you look amazing!" mallory sighed, looking at her dress.

"oh, thank you." leah said.

"the dress! where did you get it?" stacey smiled.

"the dress shop at the mall. it was on sale too." she smiled.

kristy offered her a cup of punch, which she gratefully accepted.

"thanks...cute dress. where'd you get it?" leah smiled.

"shut up." kristy groaned, as leah took a sip of her punch and smiled.

maybe this won't be the worst thing in the world.

••••

"OH MY GOD, IS THAT LEAH?" sam said sarcastically, as leah laughed at him.

"absolutely not!" leah smiled.

"i love the dress. i don't think the flower matches, though..." sam muttered, adjusting the purple flower in his pocket.

"it does! i searched it up!" leah smiled.

sam smiled back at her, but she looked so tired. she looked as if she was being forced to be here and smile and wave. she definitely had the feel of a real princess, inside and out.

"leah, you look dead." sam commented.

"what?"

"you look tired. please tell me what's happening, i just wanna help." sam whispered.

"i'm ok." leah assured him.

"no, you're not. leah, you're so skinny."

and that's what broke her.

leah's eyes filled up with tears and her lip quivered, and sam grabbed her hand and dragged her inside, going up the stairs to where no one was.

"i'm so sick of myself, sam. i dunno what i can do to help me. i-im gonna tough it out just for tonight, thought. im gonna sit and eat cake and im gonna smile. and then, dawn's gonna get me help."

"leah, that's a horrible plan." sam said, which made leah cry into her hand, "you should've told me. i would've gotten you help-"

"i don't want help, sam! you know what the hospital's definition of help is? sending me away! for almost a year! learning how to eat a freaking piece of food again! i hated it! don't make me go back." leah sobbed.

"bubbles, wait, you can get help. it won't send you away. please, listen to me-"

"no, sam, i'm gonna do this by myself." leah ignored him, and went down the stairs once again.

i should've listen to him. i should've fricking listened to him.

••••

"LEAH! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" dawn smiled, grabbing leah's hand.

"oh. talking to sam."

"it's time for cake!" dawn smiled, "kristy is so excited to continue her tradition of smashing you into it!"

leah didn't pay attention to what dawn was saying, but on the floor instead.

my eyes were getting blurry, and i wanted to take a nap. this isn't good.

"c'mon!" dawn encouraged, bringing her into the backyard where everyone was standing and waiting for leah.

leah sat down in front of her cake, which was gold and purple. it had 15 single candles on it. the fire was dancing in front of her face, as leah looked at it.

happy birthday was playing in the back of my head. everyone was kinda screaming it, and i only had one worry.

and as they said the last line, leah took a deep breath, and blew out her candles.

and it finally knocked her over the edge.

she took one deep breath in, before passing out. and what better place to pass out than on your cake?

everyone cheered, thinking kristy smashed her face into the cake finally after a year.

"guys! i got the plates n forks!" kristy cheered, walking into the backyard.

the club looked around and then finally realized.

you know that one moment where the puzzle pieces finally come together? when everything just...clicks? that's what happened there.

••••

LEAH TOOK A GASP AND SAT UP, looking around at where she was.

"holy crap. where is this. wow! it's warm in here!"

"hey, lay down. lay down, take a breath." someone assured her, laying her on the bed.

after taking a few deep breaths and looking around the room to see where she was, leah finally realized she was in a hospital room. she had a pink hospital gown on and an IV was placed on her wrist.

after noticing it, she stared at it, and then looked at the person sitting in the chair next to her.

"i don't wanna do this again." leah whispered to sam.

A/N:

I HOPE THAT WAS IMMENSE PAIN