Kapittel 9

Vanessa

I quickly hailed a taxi as soon as I got outside the gates, just as mom told me earlier this morning. Listening to the classic old songs of England Dan and John Ford Coley played by the driver while watching the wondrous view of the rain dripping on the windows, making little tapping sounds like what a kid would make when they tap on glass windows. The trees' leaves were getting blown by the strong wind, the buildings were getting saturated and hastily got crowded by people to get shelter while others who had their umbrellas were walking by the sidewalk with either frothing coffee or a bag in their hand.

I wasn't able to admire it much though, because my mind was busy thinking of what I had seen earlier. I couldn't get it off my head. Was that really Friso or just a figment of my imagination? But I wonder, why did I feel a little pinch in my chest when I recognized it was Friso? I mean, I believe I had already moved on from our unclear breakup, I just needed a proper closure. Or what if I thought I'd moved on? What if I did move on but I still couldn't my feelings off of him? The wounds that I've worked to stitch together and heal were hastily starting to open fresh and bleed all over again.

The taxi's aircon wasn't much cold but my hands were gelid, soaking in sweat and shaking. I stared at the familiar view outside, excited to return home and sort my feelings seriously since I couldn't think straight when I was in an uncanny place. Thinking about the old pain I've experienced with my ex-flame made me regret that we moved back. Maybe we shouldn't have moved back at all, but it wouldn't happen anyway if only the accident didn't happen. If dad hadn't died and was still alive right now if only I had done anything to sa—

"Miss? We're here." I gasped when I heard the driver suddenly speak, pulling me away from my reverie. I stared at him in awe, my mind blank and my heart beating fast.

"You aight?" he asked me that brought me to my senses and made me realize that I was holding my head tightly with my hands, my nails digging in my scalp deeply that a lingering stinging sensation vibrated throughout the spots where I dug my nails on. I immediately grabbed my bag to my lap to find my wallet and answered that I was fine as I grabbed my pay and then offered it to him. I immediately left the taxi as soon as my change was given, good thing the rain was already over when I arrived since I wasn't able to pack an umbrella in my bag.

"Hey!" a sudden call went through my ears and I automatically turned my head to see where the call came from. It was from the taxi driver. He was staring at me deeply as if he was looking into my soul with his unfazed, calculating eyes. "You know that the suicide hotline's always a call away, right?" he then asked which stunned me. That was an unexpected question, I thought.

"Y-Yeah," I answered stiffly with a small nod.

"That's good." The driver sighed and then put both of his hands on the steering wheel before speaking again. "Don't waste your time moping or end your life just because you think you've done something wrong." After that, he drove off at full speed, rendering the wet, dead leaves on the sodden ground to create small crunching sounds, leaving me dazed.

I stared at the empty road where the taxi parked before leaving, thinking about the driver. He probably thought that I was depressed and suicidal. He was not wrong though, I'd been depressed after the accident, and thoughts of killing myself were constant out of gui— gosh, what am I thinking?! Why am I remembering those days?!

I slapped my cheeks with my hands simultaneously, blinking my eyes twice as fear began creeping to my knees. My thoughts were beginning to go dark again. I shouldn't let that happen. No. My family, friends, and therapist's hard work would all go to waste if I don't stop thinking about them.

"You must be Vanessa?" an elderly voice asked me immediately as soon as I opened the door but I ignored it for a moment as I was busy changing my shoes. After that, I looked up to see the owner of the voice. It was an elderly woman, sitting on the sofa facing Zach, who was playing with his toys while his torso was hanging on his walker.

She had a nice pair of cognac brown eyes that almost matched her salt and pepper hair that reaches down her shoulders, although there were visible wrinkles on the edge of her eyes, lips, and forehead. But they did not stop radiating her gentle beauty. She was like a cute and sweet-looking grandmother who was more likely to spoil her grandchildren than how she did to her own child.

"Yes. Yes, I am," I nodded. "You must be Nana, right?" I asked, sauntering towards them on the sofa. I remembered mom hired someone recently to take care of the house and Zach while I was gone for school and she was off for work. I didn't expect that she'd be on duty sooner and was old. But that didn't matter.

"Yes, my actual name's Nadine. But I'd love to be called Nana. Nice to meet you," she said with a bright smile on her face.

"Likewise." I put my bag down on the sofa and leaned toward my little brother who was immersing himself in playing cars. "Hey there, Zach. Gimme a kiss," I said, puckering my lips and begun making kissy noises.

He looked at me in a split second then puckered his as well. "Kissssssss," he said before leaning his face upwards to give me a quick peck.

"I made dinner early by the way," she informed me which lifted my spirits. Nothing else would cheer me up when I get sad but food, and only food. Especially when they were sizzling hot and fresh out of the pan.

"Gosh, that's great," I said, standing up and walking towards the dining area. "What did you cook?" I asked, grabbing some silverware and a plate from the tray excitedly before sitting my butt down on a chair. There laid on the table was a serving bowl covered with its paired lid and two serving platters. One was served with fried chicken and the other was served with mashed potatoes. I drooled, seeing the steam escaping from the bowl and the mashed potatoes, provoking me to eat.

"Just some beef stew, fried chicken, and mashed potatoes," she answered while I opened the lid. Immediately, along with the warm miasma, the mouth-watering smell assailed my nostrils and the beautiful view of beef stew was revealed before my eyes. I hastily took portions of each food on my plate.

"Oh God," I moaned in delight as soon as I took my first bite of her beef stew. The wonderful combination of meat's softness and amazing mix of the condiments brought a heaven-sent taste that satiated my empty stomach and pushed the conversion of tryptophan into serotonin and triggered my dopamine, spreading all over my system. As expected, the homemade food made by grandmas were the best! "This is amazing, Nana. I love this," I said before taking another bite.

I heard her giggle echo from the living room. "I'm glad you do. How was school?" My mood immediately dropped down, remembering what happened.

Seeing Friso having sex with a girl in the parking lot, my thoughts in the taxi, what the taxi driver told me, the fear of my dark thoughts coming back. Everything. It felt like a heavy load was placed upon my shoulders and something was sucking in my chest. I gulped, taking all the negative feelings out before answering. "It was great. I got a new friend." Though I couldn't tell if Georgia was my friend yet. Who knew if she would befriend me genuinely because I could help her understand her homework or because I was friends with Lazarus?

After the delish early dinner, I immediately went up to my room to do my assignments, starting with Mrs. Beloy's essay assignment. Thanks to Nana's food, the assignment that I thought would give me a hard time thinking became a little easy. After a little polishing and finishing touches, I did my math assignment, which was the real deal. It kept my mind busy which I found good. Since I'd thought of unwinding from thinking of sudden negative thoughts, especially about dad's dea—

"Ugh," I groaned as I placed my pen down on my desk full of scratch papers of my scribbled calculations. Rubbing my aching temples, I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath. "I'm thinking about it again."

Ever since the accident, I've lost all my motivation and attempts to stick myself together, even going to school which meant a lot to me felt burdensome and tedious. I was like a vegetable, just laying on the hospital bed all day, not wanting to live anymore, and had the constant urge to hurt myself because of the guilt haunting me, eating me raw and alive. But thanks to mom, my friends, and my therapist, I was able to barely move on from the trauma though thinking dark thoughts was still unstoppable, especially when I get emotionally unstable and lose control of myself.

I then opened my eyes again, staring at my scratches and notes with millennia of thoughts buzzing in my head endlessly, feeling like a vegetable. Immobilized, blank, and unstable. What was I doing in this room? Why was I even studying? What for? I didn't deserve to live. I shouldn't be doing this. I should be dead! I shouldn't have worn that helmet, it was supposed to be for dad. He would still be alive if I didn't listen to him. Me breathing right now was a huge mistake. Me, an abomin—

Ring!

My thoughts were cut short when I heard my phone ringing for a call. I hastily grabbed my phone that was resting beside the lamp and checked who was calling. Seeing that it was Katherine asking for FaceTime, I tapped the answer button and Seandhe's face immediately showed up on the screen. Much to my surprise because I thought it was Katherine calling.

"Yo, Vaaan," he greeted, his forehead hovering over the screen that lit my mood up. Whenever he asked for a video call, he tended to pull the phone closer to his face which made the screen show his forehead down to his eyes or his entire face, as if it was his first time having a video call.

"How'd you get Katherine's phone? Shouldn't you call me using yours?" I asked, "And you're doing it again by the way," I then added.

Seandhe's thick, caterpillar-like brows went up then down as a laugh emerged from the speaker. "Sorry, just a habit," he said then slowly, the screen showed to be given a distance at an arm's length, now giving a view of his face down to his chest. "My phone went out of charge and little lover girl is busy with lover boy. I took advantage of their PDA and snatched her phone while they were busy cuddling."

I laughed, shaking my head. "The typical you." He tends to pull a scare on them by snatching either Katherine or Jay's phone while they were busy with themselves.

"Who's that?" a familiar voice went over the line. Seandhe's eyes averted from the camera to somewhere else before looking back again as he swerved, showing Nikki behind him and his twin, Harley who was busy skipping rope half-naked. Based on the ambiance and familiar interior in the area they were in, I figured they were in Jay's house, the backyard, particularly.

Nikki gasped out loud and shrieked excitedly, "My It Giiirl!"

My smile grew wider as I waved at her through the screen. "Hi." I missed these people.

"What're you screaming about?!" Harley shouted while doing his exercise. He usually does it after school anywhere. Even when we hang out, he never forgot about bringing extra clothes and towels so he could do some jogs and skips, and sometimes, he'd bring small gym equipment like barbels and the jumping rope he was using right now. Much to my wonder though, he never got fat or buff, he just remained skinny with his muscles defined under his skin.

"It's Vannie!" Seandhe answered.

"Hi, Van!" I heard him shout again, his face never tilting, unmoved from its current position which I found amazing. He could be distracted by anyone but he always focused on his task, unlike me who could easily get distracted and end up finishing the task later than expected.

"How was your first day?" Nikki took her turn to ask, excitement was hovering over her tomato-red face. "Is it hard there? Are the profs there scary? Did anyone bully you? Were there any hotties? How 'bout their basketball and soccer team? I heard Trinity Knight's the sport and smarties powerhouse there and the school's jam-packed with handsome boys, even their nerds are. Is it true? Is it true?"

I laughed. "Hold your horses," I said, opening my lips and then closing them again before answering, "It was great, the teachers are nice, good at teaching, and no, no one bullied me. They're just regular high school students with rich parents." Most of the classmates I encountered today were nice and accommodating after knowing that I was new, considering Georgia and that Asher guy too. They even oriented me on several events that run in the school, advice like how to get higher grades, personal recommendation letters from the instructors for the university wished to apply to, easy access to exchange student programs, and the like. But it would never vanquish what I had seen in the book center's alley and the parking lot.

"How about the hotties?!" she asked mirthfully, like a child about to enter an amusement park she had been dying to go to. Nikki would date anyone who was hot in her judgment and would break up with them immediately if they weren't actually up to her standard. She had a list of exes way longer than the Columbia River.

"I don't know," I smirked.

"You!" she puffed her cheeks.

"All right, that's enough about the hot people and stuff," Seandhe said and the camera showed his face again, worry evident in his eyes. "Your eyes are red, Van. You sure you're okay?"

"Is it?" I asked and touched my face, rubbing my eyes with one hand. Did I cry?

"Wait, is it?" Nikki interrupted and the camera showed her face again, her brows kissing and eyes squinting as if she was speculating me through the camera carefully. "It is! Did someone make you cry?"

Harley suddenly stopped skipping on his rope and went over to them, entering the conversation, "Who made you cry, Vannie?! Is it those kids there?! I swear, I'll kick those rich kids' asses i— oomf— Sean! Give me the phone!"

Seandhe asked, seeming to have raised the phone to a larger distance since I could the three of them fully in one frame. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing's wrong," I denied, shaking my head.

"Yeah, and I got impregnated by my sugar daddy." I saw Nikki roll her eyes. "You know you can't hide anything from is, right?"

"Ugh, fine." I groaned, giving up. I wasn't planning on telling them about what was bothering me but I was too tired of denying and hiding, not to mention my lurking dark thoughts. "Remember the guy I told you about a long time ago? My first heartbreak?"

"Oh, the Friso guy," Harley said, "What did he do to you?"

"Oof, I remember you said something about him constantly visiting or living in Scarsendale or something... wait!" Nikki trailed off then gasped. "He's still there?!"

"Yeah and he didn't do anything," I said. I had no choice but to them about my encounter with him from the very start when I slapped him in the grocery store to the part I had seen him having sex in the parking lot. I didn't tell them about my wee thoughts in the taxi since it scared me to worry them and make myself a burden.

"Damn, girl. Why does it look like your life's about to get harder?" Nikki asked as soon as I ended telling my story.

I shrugged and clicked my tongue. "I pray not."

"Face him," Seandhe interrupted. "Show him that you've moved on," he added while Harley nodded his head, agreeing to what his twin said who then continued, "I think that way, he's going to stop picking on you."

My lips curled up into a bittersweet smile as I let out a sigh before telling him, "I have though, long ago." Or so I thought.

"But based on how you acted? I think not." Nikki's words struck me hard. To add insult to injury, Seandhe added. "And he's a dick acting and talking to you as if you're a slut."

"You know that's not true," I said, remembering the time I told them about the part about me suddenly becoming the center of attention after false rumors of me were spread by a certain person. Not that I care anymore but, it held a crucial role in breaking my relationship with Friso.

"We know."

"But he doesn't."

"Then why not tell him?"

"I think that wouldn't mend our relationship at all."

"But what if it does?"

I sighed for the nth time. Seandhe really knew how to hit points. I did try explaining to Friso before though he avoided me. I thought later on that explaining wouldn't do any good or even give a small help patching things up. I couldn't help myself but sigh once again, I hated worrying about personal stuff like this.

"I don't know."

"Then we won't know if there's going to be either a positive or negative outcome. What if it will turn out positive?"

"What if it will turn out negative?" I asked before combing my hair with my fingers, looking at my blonde tresses, and looking at my phone again."

"But you know what, Seandhe?"

"What?" he asked.

"You're somehow kind of everyone's queer friend?"

"Shut up."

"Anyway, I need to go. I need to finish my assignment," I said and showed them my dirty desk before saying, "I gotta go, bye!" then I hung up before they could say anything more.

I set my phone down on the farthest side of the desk where I couldn't see it clearly. Looking down on my messy scratches, I couldn't think of anything but the conversation we had earlier, finding it somehow that Seandhe was right. He was right. I should show Friso. Maybe I should tell Friso the truth about everything, even if he wouldn't believe me in the end and besides, at least I could get these gurgling feelings out of my chest. But not right now. Not yet. I would tell him soon when I was ready.

"It's all your fault."

Dad?

I opened my eyes and gasped at the sight before me. It was raining, the same as that day. I was in the same spot I remembered before passing out. The right side of my face was lying on the ground, forcefully facing Dad's bleeding head, much to my torture. Everything was wet, saturated by heavily coursing rain, dripping small drops mixing with the blood flowing both from dad and me. Everything was dark and I can barely see a thing clearly, the wind howling endlessly sent cold shivers to my body.

I panicked and tried to move my body but I felt heavy, my body was aching all over, even a muscle was so heavy to pull, and my desperation wasn't even a bit of help. It was making me feel worse.

"Da... Da..." I tried to speak, but even my lips were heavy. I wanted to call him, tell him I'm sorry.

"You didn't do anything," I heard dad's voice say, merely a small whisper but loud enough to hear. I felt upset, guilty, and helpless.

I'm so sorry, Dad.

Suddenly, his bloodied head turned 360 and was now facing me. He glared at me with his bloodshot eyes and spoke as thick, crimson blood surged out from his purple lips, his voice blood-curdling. "It's your fault!"

"Dad!"

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