Wake up. Have a quick breakfast. Get dressed. Go to my classes. Have lunch. More classes. Have dinner. Study. Have a shower. Go to bed. Repeat.

It seems like it's the only thing I've done in the past few months. My life has become an endless cycle and I am so tired of it. I wish I could stop, but my education depends on it. I can't just stop or, everything I have worked for will be for nothing.

At least when my boyfriend Namjoon was here he'd help me get out of my routine and helped me distract myself, but now that he's on tour I'm left alone with no one to stop me.

For the past couple of months my mental state has been deteriorating. I feel it every time those negative thoughts come into my mind and make me doubt myself. I don't bring it up to him for a few reasons. One, the thoughts leave after a few hours. Two, I don't want to worry him. He already feels guilty that he leaves me for such long periods of time I don't want to give him any more reasons to feel that way. He shouldn't even feel guilty, it's just my mind being a bitch.

I'm usually not a sad person, but everyone has those days where everything seems to go wrong. It's those days that thoughts of self doubt and wondering if I am good enough attack. I cry a little or a lot, go to bed and when I wake up I'm all good.

My pockets of sunshine come when Namjoon calls me. I could spend hours just listening to him talk about all the things he's been doing, about the fans he has encountered, how the show was, new equipment he got, etc.

He would smile, eyes crinkling, his dimple would show as he'd talk animatedly. I'd let him get everything off his chest and smile along with him. But then, he'd ask how my day was and it's always the same answer, nothing exciting happens in my life. On a normal day the most exciting thing could be that I got takeout. He would still listen and smile and tell me how proud he was that I was following my dream and doing good in school.

I know his life isn't perfect either. As the leader, he tends to doubt himself too, and be under a lot of stress. I'd be there to help him through it no questions asked. I'd give him as much advice as possible, listen to him, and reassure him.

So, why was it that I found it so hard to open myself up to him when I was sad? I've thought about this a lot and I guess it's all just me not wanting to be a burden and making people pity me. Which is stupid, yet that's just who I am.

The thing is, this past week has been hell for me. I did not do well on my exam, I am sick, I am missing Namjoon terribly, and I got my period. All of these factors combined have me in a state of mystery and instead of those self-doubting thoughts being for a few hours they've lasted a few days. I've been avoiding talking to Namjoon on the phone 'cause as soon as he hears me he'll know something is wrong. In fact, I think he is already suspecting because of how much I've been avoiding him.

I was cooking some chicken soup for my cold when my laptop began ringing from its place on the counter. Checking who it was I found it was my wonderful boyfriend. Hesitantly, I answered since there was no way I could keep avoiding him.

I turned off the stove and sat on the bar stool of the counter.

"Hey Nam," I greeted him, my stuffy nose, making my voice weird.

"Hi baby, how do you feel today?" he sweetly asked.

"Um, better, I think," I told him, tilting my head.

"You think?" he let out a small laugh.

"Yeah, I still can't taste anything but I have a bit more energy," I explained recalling how I felt yesterday.

"That's good to hear, did you take medicine?" he questioned, narrowing his eyes, knowing my distaste for any type of medicine.

"Yes, sir," I nodded, showing him the medicine on the counter, "How about you, how have you been?"

"I've been good, you know the usual with rehearsal and the concerts," I knew he was holding back he always had more to say. He was the type of person that didn't exactly talk a lot, but when he told you something he'd tell you all the little details.

"Oh, okay, cool."

"I actually wanted to talk to you about something," he said, not looking at the camera.

"What is it?" I asked, leaning my head against my palm.

"I just feel like you have been avoiding me these past few days," he spoke glancing up at me to gauge my reaction.

"I'm sorry, I just felt really sick and didn't want to worry you," I explained, not looking at the screen.

It was a half truth, there was more to it, but I didn't want him to feel bad about the whole truth.

"That's the thing I don't mind being worried and it worries me even more when you avoid me like that," he insisted, talking directly to the camera. I feel like he was looking directly at me, his gaze traveling hundreds of miles just to focus on me.

"I'm sorry Nam I didn't mean to," I muttered, looking down at the keyboard of the laptop. In the end no matter how much I tried to hide it he still got worried.

"I know baby, but talk to me okay? I'm here," he sweetly reassured me.

Hearing him say those words so tenderly made me break down, I couldn't hold back the tears stinging my eyes, so, I let them fall.

"What's wrong, baby?" he asked, concerned watching me crumble before his eyes.

"Honestly, not much, I just-" I couldn't finish my sentence as a sob racked through me.

"It's okay, let it out," he soothingly spoke.

"That's the thing Nam I miss you so much and I wish you were here to hug me and cuddle me," I cried out, wiping my tears with the sleeves of the hoodie I was wearing.

"This week was the worst I failed that biology test, I got sick, I got my period and all I could think about was how I wished you were here," I sniffled trying to control my breathing.

"Baby I-" he began, but I interrupted him.

"I don't want you to feel bad 'cause you are doing what you love and I'm usually okay and I know what I was getting into when we started dating, but all of the things that happened during the week triggered me."

"What do you mean, you're usually okay?" Namjoon questioned, looking upset.

"Baby?" He asked again at my lack of response.

I hadn't meant to say that.

"Um- you know there are days where I just feel sad and that's okay," I shrugged.

"Sad why?" I know he just wanted to understand what I'm trying to say, he always likes to get the whole spectrum of things.

"I start doubting if I'm good enough. I see what my friends have done and feel like I nearly haven't done anything compared to them," It was hard to say this out loud, yet it was necessary. It was time I spoke to him about it.

"Whenever you start feeling like that don't hesitate to call me, okay?" He lightly chided me.

"Okay..."

"Good 'cause I'll always be here to tell you that you are amazing, everyone does their own things at their own pace and we are all making our way towards different paths, it's okay if you haven't done enough, you can always work on it, there is no rush," he spoke in that wise tone of his.

"You're right," I nodded, giving him a tight lipped smile.

"About the biology test, it's okay, it's just a bump in the road. I know you will keep working hard for the next one, am I right?" He gave me a knowing look.

I laughed, "You're right," he knew me too well. This bad grade would motivate me to do better on the next one, it wasn't the first time that has happened and I always ended up with a good final grade.

"Exactly, and I'm sorry I haven't been there I hadn't realized so much time had passed," he apologized again for the millionth time.

"I don't blame you. I know touring is a lot of work, especially since you've also been doing a lot of promotional work," I reassured him.

"Still, I should have taken some time off, do you forgive me?" he pouted at the camera.

"I forgive you Nam," I giggled.

"Ahh, great I wouldn't have known what to do if you didn't," he dramatically said.

"You'd probably die," I said, rolling my eyes, sniffling.

"That's probably true," he smiled, his dimple showing.

It felt good to finally talk to Namjoon. I definitely missed talking to him during this week from hell. And it felt good to get all of this off my chest too. I felt lighter in a sense. I guess I understood now the importance of talking about it.

Two weeks later I had just finished yet another test and headed home, I took a shower and got comfortable for a weekend of doing nothing, my brain would be grateful for it. I was focused watching a movie when my phone rang.

"Hey Nam," I exclaimed answering the phone.

"Baby! How was your test?" he asked in a cheerful tone.

"I think it was good and I didn't have too many doubts," I cheered.

"That's great, you'll see all that studying will pay off," he reassured.

"Yeah, hopefully," I sighed.

"Can you do me a favor?" he suddenly asked.

"Sure, what is it?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows. It wasn't often he asked for favors. I didn't mind at all, it was just a little strange.

"Do you think you can go to the dorms and send me pictures of a notebook I left behind, please?" he begged me.

"A notebook?" That was an odd request, although I didn't put it past him to leave something behind.

"Yeah, it has some lyrics and I can't seem to recall them," he explained nervously.

"Oh sure, I'm not doing anything now so I'll go by in a few minutes," I told him.

"Thank you so much baby I gotta go, the boys are calling me," he said in a rush.

"No problem, I love you," I sweetly reminded him.

"I love you more," he breathed out.

This boy is always leaving things behind. He started with a passport and then he began forgetting everything. Like the air pods, I swear every now and then I'd find one in the most random of places.

Getting from my comfortable position on the sofa I put on some white sneakers since I was decent enough with my leggings and hoodie, well, more like Namjoon's but close enough. I drove down to the dorms and made my way inside. I took off my shoes by the door and walked into the living area. It was clean and tidy since somebody always comes to clean and dust the place.

I found it odd that the light was on but didn't think too much about it. Maybe the last person in had left it on, but then I heard a noise down the hallway. I grabbed a nearby blunt object, which just so happened to be an award trophy, and creeped my way further into the hallway.

My mind went into overdrive thinking of the worst. There was a thief in the apartment and I was unlucky enough to be here when it happened. I made sure my steps were silent as I walked. I located the sound to be coming from Namjoon's room. Wow, this thief works fast if he already went through the other three rooms before Nams.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening the door. Gathering some courage I slammed the door open and held the trophy in front of me. I heard a man scream which made me scream in return, but nothing else happened. Opening one of my eyes, I saw Namjoon looking at me holding his laugh.

"Wh-What?" I stuttered confused.

"Hi baby," he waved, laughing at me.

"Namjoon?" Is he really here?

"Yeah, who else were you expecting?" he asked, tilting his head, the smile never leaving his lips.

"But- but- you're on tour," I stupidly said, my heart still pounding in my chest.

"I took a few days to come see you," he told me, walking closer to me.

"You idiot you scared the crap out of me," I smacked his chest, which is harder than I remembered. I saw him drop his smile at my aggressive response. What did he expect? He scared me to death. I was ready to die or commit a murder.

"I missed you so much," I promptly exclaimed, and pulled him down by his shirt to smash my lips against his. I captured my lips against his desperate to feel the softness and the taste of him. He eagerly kissed back, pulling me closer by my hips.

"I miss you too," he whispered against my lips once we pulled back just enough to catch our breath.

"Next time just knock on my door or tell me you're here," I softly said, "I almost had a heart attack."

"Still, as dramatic as ever," he laughed, placing his forehead against mine.

"You surprised me, that's all," I tried defending myself.

"Are you going to let me go?" he asked once he noticed I hadn't released my grip on his shirt.

"Not yet, I want to make sure you're really here," I told him, closing my eyes.

"Okay, I ordered some food if you're hungry. It's in the kitchen," He really knew the way to my heart.

"One more minute." It felt nice to be able to breathe him in again and feel his warmth close to me. His hoodies were losing that feeling the more I washed them.

After a nice dinner we sat on the sofa facing each other and talking about what happened last week.

"I was worried about you, you know?" He revealed rubbing his thumb on the back of my hand.

"I'm sorry, I promise I'll never do it again," I promised him, holding out my pinky finger.

"You better," he threatened linking his finger with mine.

He then proceeded to get closer to me, thinking he was going to give me a kiss. I leaned forward and closed my eyes, but he started tickling me aggressively.

"Stop, stop," I yelled, laughing and pushing him away with my feet, but last minute he grabbed them pulled me forward with him making me straddle him.

I giggled, trying to catch my breath as he stared at me with a fond look. We placed out foreheads against each other taking the moment in, Namjoon giving me an Eskimo kiss, which made me giggle like a school girl. It was a moment we desperately needed after many months of being apart.

"Till when are you staying?" I whispered, not really wanting to know the answer.

"Until Sunday night," he responded with a gulp.

"We need to make the most of it then," I murmured, hoping he thought the same.

"I couldn't agree more," Namjoon lowly growled in my ear.

I let out a squeal as Namjoon suddenly stood up making me tighten my grip on his waist. He led us to his room where he then sat down on the edge of the bed. I wrapped my arms around him as he kissed down my neck, stumbling upon the edge of the hoodie he took it off in a swift motion leaving me in my bra. His hands were making contact with my warm skin as he rubbed them up and down my back giving me goosebumps.

I pulled him in again for another kiss, my tongue swiping his lips and slipping past them. He let me have control for a few seconds before shifting and grazing his teeth on my bottom lip, giving it a quick nip before further deepening the kiss.

My hands roamed his covered chest, noticing the difference caused by his new exercise routine. I managed to slip them under his shirt now feeling the softness and the temperature rising.

His hands never stopped touching me. They caressed my body, squeezing my thighs, my ass, my hips. He dragged his nails over my back till they found the clasp of my bra undoing it with ease never missing a beat.

The only thing that could be heard in the room where my needy moans as Namjoon's big hands found their way to my chest and started playing with it. Every squeeze, pinch, and graze drawing out sinful sounds from my mouth. So far his mouth had been muffling my sounds, but soon enough he started dragging them down and licking a trail from my neck, clavicle, down to my perked up buds, drawing them to his mouth. I just held on for dear life, my hands grasping a handful of hair pulling him in even more.

Noticing the grinding of my hips one of his hands made their way down my stomach and stopped at the hem of my leggings playing with it a bit before going under. He traced my slit through the underwear teasing me as I bucked my hips begging for more. Namjoon let out a chuckle at my eagerness. Deciding to give him something to laugh about I placed my hand on his growing bulge cutting his laughter short.

"Why'd you stop laughing?" I mocked him, palming him through his pants.

"Don't be a tease baby," he growled in my ear. His voice alone turning me on even more.

He flipped us over my back hitting the bed, knocking the wind out of me. Namjoon kneeled on the floor, taking off my leggings and underwear at the same time, throwing them somewhere in the room. He grabbed my thighs and pulled me to the edge of the bed where he started kissing the inside of my thighs getting closer and closer to the apex. My breath and heart beat got more erratic as he got closer.

"Namjoon please," I cried at his teasing.

"Why should I, after your teasing?" he asked, his stare challenging.

"Because I lo- love you and missed you- ah- so much," I stuttered out feeling him lightly blow where I needed him most.

"Hm, alright," he purred.

He dove right in his tongue dragging up my soaked folds, his fingers digging into my thighs holding them open. Namjoon stared at me through his lashes not wanting to miss my facial expressions. I looked at him as he did so, hands tightly gripping the bed sheets. I bit my lip, trying to hold back my moans.

Namjoon abruptly stopped, "No-uh baby, I want to hear you, got that?"

"Yes, Namjoon, please," I pleaded like a mantra not wanting him to stop touching me.

This time around, he inserted a finger into my opening as his tongue played with my clit. I let out a squeal at the feeling, very sensitive at the teasing and anticipation.

It was as if my whines urged him more, he went faster lapping up my juices and pumping his finger deep and curling it. I had to stop myself from closing my thighs, not wanting to push Namjoon away. Either way it's not like he'd let me he was drinking me in as if he'd never see water again.

I felt a knot forming in my stomach. Noticing my clenching Namjoon added another finger, speeding up and hitting that special spot. Just before I reached my climax he nipped my bud with his teeth pushing me off the edge.

At the overwhelming surge of pleasure my back arched more than I thought possible, toes curling, eyes closed shut, my mouth open in ecstasy releasing incoherent words. Namjoon eased me down, slowing his movements. Once he felt me relax, he slowly took his fingers out placing them on his plump lips and tasting my release.

I stared at him with hooded eyes catching my breath. That sight alone caused the heat to course through my body again.

With shaky arms I sat up Namjoon standing up in the process. He undressed himself calmly, my eyes focusing on the expanse of his chest and arms as they contracted. He gave a chuckle noticing my staring.

"Enjoying the view?" he questioned as he proceeded to take off his pants.

"Very much so," I shamelessly admitted.

Namjoon leaned against the headboard of the bed, pulling me to him letting me set the pace for now. I straddled his thighs pumping his shaft slowly. He was already hard from the show I had put up his tip leaking pre cum. He had his head leaned back, his chest heaving, but he stopped my hand giving me a warning look.

Feeling ready I placed his tip on my entrance, lowering into him slowly. Once he was completely in I stilled my movements. Namjoon's hands were on my thighs tightening his hold. Deciding to tease him some more I clenched my walls around him a few times, causing him to release a low moan.

He slapped my thigh causing me to jump, "ah!" I whined

"That's it baby move," he growled, "Oh, how I missed you."

I started moving my hips in figure eights loving the feeling of him inside of me. Wanting to be in control Namjoon grabbed my hips stilling my movements and started thrusting into me slowly. I loved the way he was looking at me with lust pooling in his eyes. He was always the gentleman and a sweet, cute guy, but there were moments like this one or when he was on stage where he reminded me how sexy and dominant he could be.

He picked up his pace going harder. I felt him fill me up deliciously, he was hitting the perfect spot causing me to lean forward and grab onto him moaning into his ear. I left some kisses on the side of his neck and ear as I bounced. My soft moans urging him on.

The way he was going my clit was also being stimulated, the sound of his low grunts and moans adding even more to my pleasure. I was sure I wouldn't last much longer.

I would surely have some marks of his hands tomorrow by the way he was gripping me, but I didn't mind and it wouldn't be the first time. Since I was still very sensitive it didn't take long for me to cum a second time. Namjoon stilling his movements as I clenched around him.

"Oh baby," he rasped in my ear as my thighs trembled.

He lightly pushed me back from his shoulder and kissed me as I gathered my strength again. I acknowledged he hadn't had his release yet, so, I made him lie down on the bed as I kissed down his neck, I made sure to pay special attention to his chest, it was my new addiction, leaving a few hickeys so he would remember me by. Reaching my destination I noticed his cock was glistening with my release. I grabbed it, pumping it a few times before licking along its length. Namjoon tensed his jaw at the action. I did that a few times before placing his head on my mouth. I lightly sucked on it gauging Nam's reactions.

"More baby," he urged me on.

"Your wish is my command," I purred deciding not to tease him since he had been very good to me.

I began working my way down his length, pumping what wasn't in my mouth. After a few tries I had him completely in my mouth and I started bobbing my head. Soon enough I felt Namjoon's hands on my hair setting the pace and thrusting his hips every now and then. He loved to do that and I loved every second of it. It's better than having to guess what he likes.

He didn't take his eyes from my lips taking him in. His eyes narrowed, and his lips swollen from biting on them. He had a blush making its way from his neck onto his face.

One particular moment I gagged my eyes watering, which caused me to constrict my throat. The sight setting him off as he released a particularly loud moan. Not long after he announced he was close.

"Babe, I'm so close, where-uh?" He stuttered out.

"Wherever you like Nam," I told him, releasing him from my mouth.

"Mouth."

Quickly I went back down sucking him and paying attention to the tip as I swiped it with my tongue. Namjoon's hold on my hair loosened as he finished in my mouth and his muscles went slack. I stared at him in the eyes as I swallowed the warm liquid and he couldn't help but to let out a groan at the sight.

I crawled back up to him and he grabbed my face, giving me a sweet slow kiss.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you," I responded back meaning every word.

We laid on top of the covers the AC cooling our hot skin. My head resting on his shoulder as he had an arm around me drawing figures on my side. My arm around his stomach and a leg over his.

"I missed you," he softly spoke.

"I know," I laughed recalling his words from earlier.

"Yah, I'm serious," he whined, but a smile on his face nonetheless.

"I missed you too, Nam," I admitted even though it was not a secret.

"What are you doing after the semester ends?" He questioned, his face nestling into my hair.

"I don't know, visit you?" I said unsure.

The semester ended in about a month and a half and he would still be on tour. I needed to make time count, so what better than to visit him during my vacation.

"Glad we're on the same page," Namjoon told me.

"Of course," I scoffed at his response. He was always the one telling me to visit him.

"I wouldn't have it any other way I can't be apart for this long again," He confessed, hugging my side with the arm wrapped around me.

"Agreed," I told him, giving his chest a peck.

"Nam again?!" I exclaimed, noticing he got excited again.

"I'm sorry baby, but you are irresistible," he laughed pining me under him.

I couldn't help but to laugh along with him as we got ready for round two.

A/N:

This was ot supposed to be smut! okay?! It just evolved and it happened.

Honestly! It was supposed to be sad and about the struggle, but Namjoon sneaked in and I couldn't resist his sexiness.

If you liked it or loved it, please, comment and vote. Let me know what you thought.

Also, thank you guys so much for helping this book reach 5K I never thought I'd get here tbh.

I have more one-shots in the making including a Florist!Jimin and Emperor/King! Yoongi. 😉

ALSO, I started a Kim Taehyung book! You can find it on my profile of course . It's great so go check it out, I would love to have you join me in this new journey!

-Nikki Marie 💜