⚠️ Excessive use of annoying whining used in this review. Reader discretion is advised. ⚠️

Word Count: 1065

UPDATE: The author has changed the title on the cover since the review.

Title: Where the Heaven Are We

Genre: Humor

Blurb: How Mitya Bogomolov comes to terms with the fact that life is moving, changing, and being turned upside down in more ways than he can imagine, and learns that playing wall ball and ignoring them definitely isn't the solution.

Status: Ongoing

~~~~

Starting Points: 30

Cover:

*Biggie's voice* "First things first—" this is horrible.

-Just kidding! I strangely like this.

-At first I thought it was absolute shit, and I was ready to dive into "the drag," but I stared at it a bit longer and I now like the concept. Personally, I think it fits the humor genre, and it reminds me of a Disney channel tv show back when Disney channel was worth watching. It's quirky and cute, so whoever did it kudos to them, and if it was you, congrats! Your cover is doing its job.

Title: *Sighs*

-Do you know that when you first requested, I already knew I was going to rank you for this? Well, now you do. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but the phrase is usually, "Where the Heaven[s] Are We?"

-It's also bad that you didn't include the question mark. Your title is a question man, so a question mark is needed. (-3)

Blurb: Seems more like a tv show's description when you're surfing the channels. Isn't really bad, but needs work. It's kind of bland as is. (-3)

Plot: Mitya Bogomolov needs to get his shit together?? This is a really weak plot as of right now.

*Future me slides in* Yikes, I misgendered the character....*she.

*Runs*

Opening thoughts:

-I want to close this book forever. (-2)

-I have never felt more offended in my life. The fact that this entire chapter is written in second person in an attempt to insert the reader into the story is appalling. It isn't working at all, and I'm just severely turned off. (-5)

-There are run-on sentences everywhere. (-4)

Characters:

-The readers. Our name is supposed to be some chick named Mitya. We are apparently part of the book, which none of us asked for, but of course the writer felt that forcing us to do live-action roleplaying was an ethical and smart decision. I'm internally bleeding, and I hope you're proud of yourself. (-5)

-Some Russian names are being thrown around and I have no idea what role they play. I think we're supposed to be associated with them? *Unamused expression*

-The narrator. They need to be destroyed. The narrator is dictating every single thing we the readers (who are also forreal in the story) are supposed to see, who we're friends with, our personalities, what we wear, and even what we like?! The fucking nerve of this vapor punk! (-3)

Dialogue:

-I have never itched this much in my life. Why are you doing this to yourself? I'm not sure if I'm reading a text message conversation or if you lost your damn mind.

*Future me steps in* Ignore her, your dialogue actually has no problems. At least you love yourself in that department. *Sneers at you*

Inconsistencies (if any):

-I don't know who I am, and I think this story is giving me an identity crisis.

-Maybe I am Mitya Bogomolov, live in Moscow, dress horribly, and I'm actually twenty-three years old?

*Crickets chirp*

-Yeah...anyway, I don't even have time for myself tonight.

Writing Style:

-So far I can tell you're technically not a bad writer—you apparently just like to make god-awful decisions.

-You do make great use of descriptions, and they're pretty good.

-I half-lied. You tell instead of show an excessive amount. But, I think it would be expected since this is being told in second person. Which is also why second person should never be used in a actual books, besides rare instances (e.g. pamphlets, text messages, emails, dialogue, thoughts, speeches). 

Likes/Dislikes:

-This is ridiculously hard to follow. (-2)

-Why are you writing in second person???? Why would you do this to yourself?? I'm still not over this. (-2)

-At least you didn't switch narratives and stuck with it throughout. That's a bit commendable.

-This was probably the most amusing review for me to write as of late (I like writing all of them, but still). I think that's a compliment? *Awkwardly grins*

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

-If you're going to insert an actual television show, please make sure to capitalize the beginning of each word in the title. It doesn't matter if it is in a different language or if the television show is made up as well. (-1)

Where you need to improve:

-Making better writing decisions.

-Never writing in second person ever again if you want more readers, or if you're serious with your writing. If this is something you're doing for fun, then please ignore me. But seriously the fact that this was in second person threw me out the story, and it was hard for me to actually want to keep reading.

-Loving yourself because you aren't even bad at writing per se. *Sighs*

Why/When I stopped reading: I contracted some made up disease because of the use of second person. Also, you ran out of points in the middle of chapter two. I did read up to the beginning of chapter three, and I kind of skipped around to see how things went.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get...................................

*Stares at you awkwardly*

A DUST CLOUD!!! IT'S SO PRETTY!!

Imagine dying in that thing? Huh. *Stares at you*

Well, I didn't enjoy your book at all, but something you can go away in this experience is that you can write! Not a lot of people have the privilege of saying that.So, at least you posses a skill. Anyway, everyone has a flub, and personally, I think this one is yours. I wouldn't necessarily say this book was horrible, it just really shouldn't have been told in second person. I think I have stressed that throughout this review a bit excessively. Haha.

*Coughs*

Hopefully, this was at least amusing because it was for me at least. Good luck!

....

*Scoots out of view*