Word Count: 1947

Title: The Single Bxxch Club ~NEW TITLE(?)~ Bitch(es) Spells/ Trouble

Genre: Humor

Blurb:  Why should a single girl be considered to be socially awkward?            Or a typical four eyed nerd taking up space on planet earth with her 'precious' dorky collection of Harry Potter and One Direction nonsense?           Girls of all sizes and colours of the spectrum, I'm here to prove you all wrong. This 'singlehood', apparently, has another branch...         These four teen goddesses have bodies to die for. They are the real popular kids and are at the top of their game.         So what's the problem?        They are complete bitches. Period.         Through the creation of this 'club' we're going to understand why they're single...and so bloody sour.

~NEW BLURB~

ʙᴇɪɴɢ ᴀ (ᴜɴᴅᴏᴜʙᴛᴇᴅʟʏ) sɪɴɢʟᴇ ʙɪᴛᴄʜ ɪs ʜᴀʀᴅ ᴇɴᴏᴜɢʜ ғᴏʀ ᴋᴇʏᴀɴᴀ ᴄᴀʀᴛᴇʀ, sᴛᴀʀᴛɪɴɢ ᴏғғ sᴇɴɪᴏʀ ʏᴇᴀʀ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ ғʀᴇsʜ sᴇᴛ ᴏғ ʜᴀᴛᴇ ᴍᴀɪʟ ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴄʀᴀsʜɪɴɢ ʜᴇʀ sᴘᴀᴍ ɪɴʙᴏx. ɴᴏᴡ ɪᴍᴀɢɪɴᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʀᴏᴜʙʟᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴄᴏᴍᴇs ғᴏʀ ғᴏᴜʀ ᴛɪᴍᴇs ᴛʜᴇ 'sᴘɪᴛᴇғᴜʟɴᴇss' ᴜɴᴅᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ sᴀᴍᴇ ʀᴏᴏғ.          ᴛᴏᴏ ᴍᴀɴʏ ʙɪᴛᴄʜᴇs sᴘᴏɪʟ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʟᴏᴛ?                                                   ɪ ʙᴇɢ ᴛᴏ ᴅɪғғᴇʀ-ʜᴏʟᴅ ᴜᴘ!                                 ᴜʜ . . . ɪs ᴛʜᴀᴛ sᴍᴏᴋᴇ?

Status: Ongoing

~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: It's okay, but I guess it'll do. However, the meaningless blank space at the top is kind of annoying to look at if I'm going to be picky--and we all know I am. No points lost though.

Title: The old title was okay, besides from the unnecessary censorship of the word "bitch". The new one is a whole other...thing. For starters, the grammar is off which is a poor first impression for new readers who notice it. The "(s)" after spells isn't needed. I've tried reading this title in six different ways, and none of them make logical sense either. Three minutes of my time went into trying to understand what this title is even trying to say, and now I hate myself for it. Basically, it's a mess. Sort it out. (-2)

Summary: A steaming pile of rubbish. Can't put it any simpler than that. Neither of these summaries would have gotten me, and I'm sure a lot of other readers, to read this. But hey, this is Wattpad and my standards of a good summary probably exceeds a lot of people's definitions. That sounds super pretentious and poses as an ambiguous insult now that I read it over, but so do most of these reviews. Har har har. *Stares into camera*

-The amount of times I do this isn't quantifiable, but I usually shrug it off and continue typing as I please. The only difference now is that I decided to give you all a peak of my headass thoughts that I tend to edit out during these reviews. You're welcome! *Grins*

- Fuck. I'm getting offtrack again.

-Anyway, ignoring the original summary--the new one rises more confusion than interest from me. I guess I can entertain the idea of a "single bitches club", if I ignore all of the negative stigma that seems to be attached to it. Besides from that, I'll take the time to complain about something minor because I find it amusing. Here goes! Something about this premise reminds me of something horribly familiar. Familiar as in a teen-flick from the mid-90s or early 2000s that lacks realism to the real high school experience. Mostly because of the bizarre and ancient use of "hate-mail". Unless the audience is going to follow the story of some weird Hollywood clique where all these women/girls get "hate-mail" for some unidentified reason...then okay? Hypothetically, I can go with it. Naturally, my brain tries to pinpoint a time frame for the plot, and this doesn't sound very 2010s. Maybe in this universe the characters still use AOL for some horrible reason? I don't know, just trying to make sense of the use of "hate mail". Odd choice, really. There is a lot more wrong going on in this blurb, but you didn't ask for summary help so... boop! (-10)

Plot: Independent seventeen-year old, Keyana Carter, isn't one to be messed with. She wears six inch heels, will break a grown man's arm, will never get stood up, and somehow gets hate mail because reasons? Find out in this week's episode of " xoxo, Gossip Girl"--only on CW! ;)

Opening thoughts:

-Usually, I don't comment on these, but your author's note was very genuine and cool--well, at least what I skimmed of it. I almost felt bad for saying bad things about this. Almost.

-Anyway, so the opening line is dialogue that doesn't even make grammatical sense because of a random comma splice. So, that's cute. *Grimaces* (-2)

*Reaches first page break*

-Um. Okay. So, that is a lot to...digest. Reading this is slightly painful because of the harsh second-hand embarrassment that I got from it. It's almost like reading my old writing self, and it's getting increasingly difficult to read because of it. A lot of this is so cliche and overly exaggerated that I'm beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, that it's done for comedic purposes. Hopefully.

Characters:

-Keyana Carter, the protagonist of the story, and couldn't be any more detestable at this point. It's like the author has entered her into the Horrible Character Olympics, and it's not surprising that Keyana here is coming up in the top 20! She might get the high honor of a steaming pile of shit. Amazing! Any who, what I have gathered about this piece of paper, is that she is egotistical (in a not so endearing way), overtly violent for no known reason other than to make her look conventionally "bad ass", doesn't even bother opening text messages because she's that type of inflated asshole, gives one-liners through narration, spews homophobic slurs, is a slut-shamer, consequently a gross individual, and is exaggerated in every sense to fool the readers into "liking"...it because of sass. (-5)

-Timothy Gosling. Boring, popular, and blonde. Also, he's the president of some club, and of course, is seen as a god at his castle--I mean high school. *Exhales for three minutes*

-"The Rest". Who cares.

Dialogue: Painfully difficult to read because it lacks a soul, and most of it is filler to meekly entertain readers. I'm not entertained. (-3)

Inconsistencies (if any):

-This sentence is bothering me: "Each breath was smeared with that repulsive alcoholic stench that most pre-rehab patients were stained from the very first drink."

-It's okay until I read the last ten words. "Pre-rehab" patients become alcoholics by their first drink? Why are they immediately stained with the smell of alcohol? I'm sure that most alcoholics wind up that way gradually until it became an apparent issue. I don't know where you got that notion from, or you just thought the sentence read nicely. (-2)

-Excerpt: "Somehow, surprisingly, my cheeks felt warmer than usual." *Rolls eyes back into my rectum*

-It isn't a teen fiction until the main character talks about how much they hate said guy, but then he shows up and they totally cannot control their sudden attraction to him or the bullshit blush on their cheeks. Shove your blush up your ass, Keyana! (-1)

-Excerpt: "Within a blink of an eye[...]"

-I'm failing to understand why people use this phrase so much...still. My eye slowly inverts on itself every time I read it. It's by far the best part of the sentence since this follows straight after: "I grabbed his arm and twisted it into his back--"

-None of that remotely read like you most likely intended to. I'm vaguely disgusted by how much it lacks logic, the weird image in my head, and that the readers aren't warned beforehand that this run-of-the-mill "creepy dude" character is actually a mannequin made out of clay-doh. That's the only way she can physically grab his arm and twist it into his back. For a moment, I did think she was the terminator. (-1)

-Excerpt: "As his friend, the least he could do was tell me."

-Reading that, I was slightly taken aback. Friend? Uh. Their interaction at the moment and how she perceives him makes it come off as if they're are mere associates (if that), she has a crush on him but also hates him(?). I'm beginning to hate this the more this chapter goes on.

Likes/Dislikes:

-I may not be enjoying myself in not even the slightest way, but the worst offense that is taking place in this chapter is that not one sign of humor hasn't even been attempted. That, or the "humor" is so so poorly executed that it's undetectable. This should be categorized as teen fiction. (-3)

-There's 18+ lines of this Toby or Thomas guy's dedicated to describing his appearance, instead of making him a real human being. I'm now 1/4th of the person that never read this. Such ignorant bliss.

-Thanks. (-1)

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

*Sips ginger ale*

-Not good, but it isn't horrible either. It's readable.

*Continues to sip*

My Takeaway (*new*): This chapter has really opened my eyes on how overly done the bad girl trope is at this point, and how much it's tiring read now. I can understand why readers love reading female characters like this though because I use to be part of that group, and I wrote about them. It slightly deviates from the "innocent-naive-& weak" female characters that too many stories included in their narratives, but it's not that different from it either. They both are still one-dimensional tropes at their core, and they don't feel like real people, which makes it hard to connect or understand the character--besides from the clear point that they're "Innocent & naive, but sweet!" or "cold, mean, mean and a bad bitch" female lead. Female characters (or any) shouldn't be boiled down to simple images like these. Making an extreme contrast to challenge a trope doesn't help tread new ground. It's counterintuitive.

-I'm also aware that there's a grey area on the "trope spectrum" where the "nerdy" or "depressed/antisocial" characters fit in as well, and it isn't cute either. None of it is interesting or resonates well enough to make your book stand out from the rest. I think a lot of stories use these tropes to design many characters, and rely too much on them. Giving your character a few quirks to stand-in as their personality isn't a proper character. It creates this world of literature that churns out lifeless, dull characters. In summary: I'm tired of it. I think we all are.

Where you need to improve:

-Writing better characters? I think it's a bit too late for that though and people seem to really get a kick out of this, so who even cares what I think. I guess you did since you asked. Haha. *Stares at you* *burps*

-I don't really have much else to say that won't make this review turn into just straight up bashing. Plus, I've already said what I needed to say. I hate repeating myself.

Why/When I stopped reading: Forced myself to read the whole chapter, thinking that it could have improved. I was let down. RIP.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get............................

*Drum rolls*

Dust from a grinding tool! Do what you will with it. Cook it, eat it, sniff it, lick it, pour it in your ear, bathe in it, live in it, befriend it, gaze at it. I don't know, the possibilities are endless!

Welp, I'll just leave you to it then.

*Slinks away with ginger ale in hand*