Word Count: 2334

UPDATE: The author has changed cover since the review.

Title: The Right Choice

Genre: Romance

Blurb: Lucy Robinson at the age 13 enters an international singing competition that takes place in the future called ''So You Think You Can Sing,'' and when she is primarily one of the top finalists, loses to another girl and is forced to start a new life, in a new town, forced to make new friends for ''her own benefit'' as her mother has always said.

7 years later, Lucy is starting out her first year in college, focusing on a different career than the one her younger self-had wanted and even though she says she is happy, she is secretly upset at the fact that she lost. She mentally has tried to move on but has failed to do so and throughout the story, needs guidance from her roommate, Jake Forests, as he to, holds on to something that happened in the past and has changed ever since.

Jake and Lucy become friends over time and sooner or later become something more than that but in the end, will they be able to hold on and let go and make the right choices along the way?

Status: Ongoing

~~~~~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: Oh, I know this cover maker! Sadly though, the cover is very standard. Or how the youngsters say, basic. I can't always blame the cover makers because sometimes authors/writers just don't have solid cover ideas. Which is okay, but it usually turns out like this or worse. I'm feeling nice today, so no points will be taken off since it isn't ugly and fits the genre. Although, it doesn't look very professional and if I was browsing Wattpad for a read I wouldn't click on it, so take that as you wish.

Title: I'm very neutral about it, again, I don't really have anything that bad to say about it. It isn't horrible, and I think it fits the story's genre.

Summary: Yikes. It seems like once I read the summary for most people's books—it gets rough quickly. The first red flag I can see is that you aren't writing out your numbers. Any numbers that are three digits or less—should be written out in all of their glory. Personally, I write out all of them even if they're more. You do it more than once and my eye is twitching because of it.

-The second red flag is that the first chunk of text is only one sentence and I'm pretty sure my blood pressure shouldn't be rising this quickly. A period will not hurt you (menstruation will).

-The first sentence needs to be re-written.

-Suggestion: Thirteen year old, Lucy Robinson, enters an international competition that takes place in the nearby future (??? Either be specific or don't mention it at all. Will this affect the plot as a whole? Is this taking place in some futuristic setting? If so, elaborate on it. Or did you just mention this because you didn't know what to say?) called, "So you Think You Can Sing." Quite quickly she is one of the top two finalist, and loses to the other contestants. With her dream all too suddenly washed away from her fingertips, she is forced to start a new life, in a new town, filled with possible friends or foes.

-The next chunk paragraph isn't as horrendous, well, besides the part where you referred to the character's journey as a "story." That felt odd. Though it can be pulled off in some instances, however, it doesn't do anything for your summary but weaken it. I'll advise you to simply say "journey" or "voyage." Also, this sentence (you know what I'm talking about) should have ended after "Jake Forests."

-The next paragraph should look like this: He, too, holds on to something that dwells in his foreboding past that has morphed him into the person he is today.

-The ending sentence/hook doesn't tie up everything how I'm imaging you want it to.

Here is a suggestion: As Jake and Lucy grow a friendship, underlining feelings entangle in the mix. Will they be able to make the right choice along the way, or will everything crumble as quickly as the tide rolls in?

-Side-note: you can come up with a much more original title for the singing competition, come on! (-1)

-Overall, your summary is an issue. (-5)

***PM if you want the (rough) suggestions***

Plot: Lucy Robinson is a never-been that is still hung up on her last shot at fame and success seven years ago, but during uni some guy sweeps in and he might screw her sadness away!!!

*Chants*
Do it in her butt!

Opening thoughts:

-The backstory chapter is completely unnecessary. I'm not taking points off for it though, but it really is just an extended and annoying summary of things you already covered. A better-suited surprise is to find out that Lucy's college has coed living arrangements, which is understandably unusual. Yes, some universities make the dorm buildings coed, but most college students' roommates are of the same sex. Especially if they're freshman...but, the surprise is now ruined. Thanks.

-Note: Wattpad offers an option to show a cast list in all of the chapters. So, you don't have to list them like that.

-"Lucy's Pov"

-Oh, God. *Starts to sweat pervasively and holds in breath*

-This story really should have been written in third person if you're going to do this. If a story is in first person—let the story be told in the person's perspective only. Especially if you're a beginner writer. (-1)

-Okay. I'm realizing this is some sort of flashback or you're going back seven years just to show the readers Lucy losing the competition. Again, the unnecessariness is getting ridiculous at this point. You're not making the story move forth in any way. You're actually bringing us seven years into the past, instead of starting the story! This is really one of the problems I have with flashbacks, and also the fact that they are never executed properly on Wattpad. (-3)

-Okay, so I'm still alive and I'm now in chapter one.

*Crowd cheers unenthusiastically*

-And I'm bored. (-5)

*Crowd boos*

-I'm being really generous with the points today. *Scratches my ass*

-Okay, let us continue.

- After reading some standard dialogue I was met with this offensive and unsolicited dick picture: "This was the conversation my friend Sophia and I had when we walked through the gates of our beloved college."

*Looks around confused*

-Who asked?

-This is one of the many offenses a beginner writer can do: poorly explain what they just presented to the readers. What is this a presentation?! Get it together! That has got to be the most blatant telling I've ever read! (-5)

Characters:

-Stacy Cruze, aka the girl whose last name is misspelled (is it?), and the infamous girl who ruined Lucy's life. Aka, my hero.

-Lucy is annoying, you know, like most characters. Being exposed to her disease—I mean person, has showed me that she's a massive whiner, a salty peanut (maybe even a roach in disguise as a peanut), and probably pulls the blanket over people's head as she kills them with her farts. From the summary alone, that me and her are enemies, and look at as now! I'm practically flinging her into an acidic hot spring where she belongs.

-Just kidding! But, I wouldn't flinch if it does somehow happen.

*Hopes that you incorporate a visit to Yellowstone Park coincidently*

-Jakelyn is just a hollow character for me right now, with girlfriend issues. He's coming off a bit cliché with the excessive (creepy) staring and the sixth-grade flirting skills. Hopefully, Lucandra gouges his eyes out with a clothes hanger. That'll teach him.

Dialogue:

-Separate all of the dialogue from the text/narration. Unless if it is a dialogue tag, or the next sentence is a action that relates to the dialogue. (-3)

- Correction/Suggestion: {"Well, I hope you achieve something greater, and find what you're good at," Stacy butted in with a faux smile. In putting her two cents that no one asked for, again.

"Thanks..." I replied with a stale tone as I tried to force the distaste off my features.}

-You can completely ignore these suggestions, because this whole scene is coming off as a comedy in my head. Don't mind me.

-So... the first legit chapter opens with butt-naked dialogue. Where are the dialogue tags?!

-It's not like you always have to use dialogue tags, but don't make it a infrequent thing either. The readers won't know who is speaking and it will be difficult to follow. (-1)

-Stay away from using all caps to show how your character is saying something or their emotion. Dialogue tags exist for a reason. (-1)

Inconsistencies:

-Lucy is wack. (I haven't spot any, so a childish jab at the main character will do!)

-Never mind, I spotted one. Since Lucy clearly is thirteen or has some social anxiety that unwillingly appears whenever men/boys (or anything/one with testicles and a working penis) are in a mile radius. Wouldn't the smart thing for her to do is ask for a housing reassignment? Coed dorms are pretty rare in most universities, especially for freshman, so if a student wasn't comfortable with it, I'm sure there would be no problem with getting reassigned...She doesn't even try either.

-*Narrows eyes* (-2)

-Lucy (the narrator...for at least now, I think) just switched narratives. What is second person doing in a first person story? Unless it is in dialogue, then do not do it. Stick with one narrative until the end of the book. (-1)

Writing Style:

-I can tell you're a beginner, and I can't really comment much on this portion. You haven't really established a distinctive writing style, or something that can be commended. It's okay my child, many of these humble (some are not so humble) frogs on Wattpad are in the same boat. You shall get there with time and practice. I advise reading works of people who can actually write.

Likes/Dislikes:

-I don't like that this story isn't a romantic-comedy.

-Lucy Robinson is a pest.

-All of the errors.

-How overly dramatic that scene was. I don't think I stopped laughing once, so that's a good thing. Well, if it was intended...

-All of your characters can get these hands. Except for iconic Stacy Cruze, of course.

-I do like the possibility that these characters may or may not get hit by a truck though! *Smiles*

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

-You have a lot of issues with grammar. I can't tell if you're just bad at it or if English isn't your first language. Either way, it really needs to improve, but if it is the latter I'll give you a break.

-Correction for the fourth line of the first paragraph: "[...] on my right.

-Do not use more than one punctuation (e.g., ????, !!!!) in any serious writing. Don't do it in a essay, don't do it in a letter, do not do it in a professional email, or in creative writing. If you aren't texting a friend, on social media, or doing a extra review like this one—stay away from it. (-2)

-Excerpt: I froze, not knowing what to do or say. Lets just say it wasn't out of pure happiness but out of the simple fact that I lost. [...] Of course I hugged her back like Im not that conceited but... I thought I would win this competition. I guess I didn't.

-Correction/Suggestion: I froze. I didn't know what to do nor say. To say that I was astounded that I didn't win this competition, was indeed an understatement. I properly thought I had this win in the bag. [...] Of course, I hugged the sobbing rucksack back, I mean, I'm not that horrible. I suppose.

-This story would work really well as a comedy actually. I'm mad about it.

-Correction/Suggestion: The host, Dylan (blah blah...tell us his last name bro!), asked me what I thought of the final decision and what were my plans now that I lost. In other words, I was practically a huge failure. (Jokes! Just jokes...)

Where you need to improve:

-Differentiating your voice from the character's narration. A lot of people struggle with first person because they think they're the ones that are telling the story instead of their character—I'm sorry to be the one to break the news guys, but you aren't. It isn't the same thing. This isn't from your perspective—it's in (crusty) Lucy Robinson's perspective.

-Grammar. I'm not saying anything else.

-Editing your chapters for simple, but lethal mistakes.

-Stop using so much adverbs and Lazy Words. It makes your writing ugly and amateur. Love yourself.

Why/When I stopped reading: You lost all of your points in the beginning of chapter one, but I read the rest of the chapter. Actually, I got curious and I read on to chapter two.

*Frowns in shame*

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get.............................

*Drum rolls*

*Drum roll continues for another three minutes because I'm annoying*

SOME MOUNTAIN REGION WITH A SHIT TON OF DUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!

If it's any consolation, this is very soothing to look at.

Any who, I didn't particularly enjoy your story, but not everyone will and that is fine. You seem like you're new to the writing thing (and if you aren't pretend I never said this because then it will be extremely awkward...), so again with time, dedication, and practice I'm sure you'll know the ins and outs of writing. I have read a lot worse on here, and at least you know basic elements of writing and how to compose a story. Anyway, good luck and I wish you the best with your book!

*Scurries away*