Word Count: 1476

Title: The Golden Girl :- With the not so golden past

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Summary:

"So I'll come straight to the point. I think someone is trying to kill me." said Naira.

"What!? Who?"I exclaimed.

"That's for you to find out duh." She replied.

"And why should I do that ?" I replied my anger increasing.

"Is a thousand dollars a good reason?"

Nikki has never been an average girl. With her detective skills and the ability to 'sniff the truth' as she says, has kept her busy.

What happens when the suddenly three sisters arrive in her town as the golden trio and the eldest one has a problem. Which could lead to her death .

It up to Nikki to save her and reveal the golden girl's not so golden past.

~UPDATED VERSION~

"Enough of the talk. I'll cut straight to the point. I think someone is trying to kill me." said Naira. "What?! Who?"I exclaimed."That's for you to find out, duh." She replied, rolling her eyes."And why would I do that ?" I replied, my anger increasing."Is a thousand dollars a good reason?"Nikki has never been an average girl. With her detective skills and the ability to 'sniff the truth' as she says, has kept her busy.What happens when the suddenly three mystic sisters arrive in her town as the golden trio, and the eldest one, Naira, offers a case to Nikki. A case which could lead to her death.It up to Nikki to save her and reveal the golden girl's not so golden past.

Status: Ongoing

~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: It's pretty! However, the tilt in the text is unnecessary, in my opinion, and if the text was more intelligible it would look better. Nonetheless, it's a nice looking cover--IF you ignore the plot of this book. Nonetheless, no points lost.

Title: It's a mouth full, which can be a problem, but not too much. Mechanically it has issues too. You're having trouble with capitalization, a colon is used when it isn't needed, and there's a...dash for some unknown reason. This is how your title should look: The Golden Girl With the Not So Golden Past (-1)

-Knowing which words can be capitalized in a title can be confusing. If anyone ever has any trouble with this, I've found a website that does it for you, and also provides tips/info on proper capitalization in titles. There's a link of it in the external link for anyone interested (can only be found on a desktop)!

Summary:

-Wow. This is the greatest summary I have ever read in my life.

-Jokes! Of course I am! Because this is terrible. In every way possible. This is the most incoherent summary I've reviewed so far. Seriously. I don't know why you wouldn't ask for summary help because this...this is an atrocity on all levels. I...think?--there's a plot here. I can smell it, that's for sure. *Stares into the camera*

-Anyway, there's a hint of a story here, but the disjointedness of the summary and the excerpt is worsening my vision. (-10)

Plot: Nikki, a vigilante that fights for justice, is the greatest detective EVER, and combats the villains of Gotham City with vigor and darkness as her ally. However, many know her as...The Dark Knight. *Hans Zimmer falls asleep on his organ*

Opening thoughts:

*Sees that Twenty One Pilots song. Immediately gets Suicide Squad war flashbacks* (-5)

-"I literally held my breath as I saw the silhouette of a man appear."

-Literally? *Looks around confused*

-You're using that word wrong. Either the character actually did, or they didn't. And sure, this sentence makes sense --in a sense-- but the word is being used wrong in both the formal and informal way. In the informal meaning, there is nothing being expressed strongly enough in this sentence  to even use it. In the formal meaning, the usage of the word is so utterly pointless that its sole purpose seems only to fill up the word count.

-This is a major issue with many people when writing...anything. This word is overused, colloquial, ugly, unnecessary, and should only be used in dialogue. There is countless arguments about this on the internet about it, and in English classes as well. Anyway, this can easily turn into an English lesson, so I'm cutting this "short" before I get too carried away. (-3)

-Now that I am done bitching (I think), let's get to the actual story shall we? So, the opening paragraph isn't as bad as the first couple of sentences implies it will be. It's actually decent, aside from some off word choices. I think the weakest aspect of this is how much things are being told and explained, rather than shown. It makes the character's narration seem a  bit unnatural, and it's off-putting to say the least. (-2)

Characters:

-Mr. Thompson. A Scooby Doo villain, who, of course, is/was the school janitor.

-Nikki. For some reason she is...Batman? I think I'm reading a Batgirl fanfiction that had a love child with a Scooby Doo fic.

-Me. A villain trying to kill their way out of this book. Quick! Someone point me in the direction of Nikki! I've had enough of her! We all have!

Dialogue: Laughably bad. It's like something you'd see in those Goosebumps episodes. None of it is believable, but at least I'm entertained and I feel nostalgic? That's a plus.

Inconsistencies (if any):

-The writing, and diction. For sure.

Writing Style:

-Off. That's the word I would describe it as. I think the only reason I'm seeing it that way is because you (the writer) seem to be still figuring exactly what is your writing style. Every word and sentence is said in such a puzzling manner that it comes off like, you too, are not sure on what you want to say. Instead of the narration being a first person, it comes off as a (poor) string of consciousness POV. This wouldn't be a problem really, but I'm pretty sure it isn't intentional. So, I don't know what you want to do with that, but it's definitely something to look into. I won't take off any points off though. I'm feeling generous.

Likes/Dislikes:

-Wow. I really love how somehow this chase scene turned into an episode of Scooby Doo. I was waiting for the line every bad guy said when they got caught to be uttered. You KNOW the line. Anyways, I actually laughed. A genuine laugh. Might not be a good thing though if you weren't going for that, but at least you got a good reaction out of me?

-The pacing isn't great. Actually, it's a bit too fast. I feel like every sentence something "eventful" happens. Relax. (-1)

-The exposition in this chapter is quite insulting, and wow. I have no words for it, really.

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

-There is quite a few of comma splices, and questionable diction throughout this. It's almost like they used a thesaurus, and didn't really look up the words they are using. It's just...strange at times. (-3)

-"It was a tall figure wearing a jumpsuit and long, black, boots." Unnecessary commas are unnecessary. (-1)

-I don't think English is your first language to be fair though--*checks bio for any clues*--oh. Okay. I spoke too soon. You just aren't the greatest in grammar. *Crickets chirp incessantly*

Where you need to improve:

-Creating believable characters--wait. Scratch that. What really makes most of this chapter not work is the dialogue. Nothing AT ALL is believable. It sounded like something straight off of Nickelodeon, or Disney Channel. The version from the 2010s, so you already know that's bad. (-2)

-Stop force feeding the audience exposition. None of it came off natural, and it's annoying. Why? Because no one has been reading long enough to care about ANY of this extra information that has no business to be revealed yet! What are we (the readers) even suppose to do with it? Eat it?! No! We don't accept suspicious food from strangers! At least get to know us first! (-3)

-Watch out for the pacing. This is a mixture of the amount of exposition that went on in the first chapter, and the execution.

-I recommend getting Google or a thesaurus...hell, even an editor from IYWT! The diction is making my skin crawl. It didn't feel right.

Why/When I stopped reading: I stopped reading at the end of chapter one because this was a tiring read. Oh, and your points went bye bye. Obviously.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get.................................

*Drum rolls*

*Glances*

A BUNCH OF SLIMY PENISES!

I've spent far too long on this review, so I'm saying a simple adieu!