Warning: Excessive screaming and a overload of exclamation points are displayed below. Reader discretion is advised.

Word Count: 1512

Title: The Faerie Pact

Genre: Fantasy

Summary: 

Miranda had never figured out why she had never been able to touch her grandmother's jewelry, much less look at it. She had often kept it hidden, as if it held the secrets of the world. When her grandmother passes, Miranda takes her jewelry box as a keepsake.

Little did she know, that she was told to keep away for a reason.

Status: Ongoing

~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: It's amazing. At first glance, I thought it was overly girly and thought of farts and rainbows...and shit. But, I looked at it more closely, and it doesn't seem to (fully) portray a happy princess-y theme. Because of some of the forest floor was casted in shadows/was in black and white I came to that conclusion. Anyway, the cover makes me think the story maybe a bit mysterious, possibly with dark elements here and there, and brutal death.

Uh, I mean fighting scenes. No points lost.

Title:

Summary: Ahh! It seems interesting as hell!

*Angry Sports Fan-voice*

Bring these fucking fairies on NOW!!!!!!!!!

Okay, seriously it's really well done and short. It summarizes the plot pretty well, and leaves me sort of hanging to predict what may come, and to say "I am shook" is an understatement. Also, I was right!! I'm probably being biased since I am a fantasy buff. That's a lie since I tend to add Fantasy books to my PRL because of my respect for them, but barely read them. Really out of laziness.

-You did put the word "never twice in the first sentence though.

Correction: Miranda had never figured out why she [hadn't] been able...

Overall, no points lost, bless you.

Plot: Evil fucking fairies are waiting to take over the human world, because an idiot opened the box!! The apocalypse has begun!!! Run for your lives!!!

*Panic quickly ensues, devouring us all from the inside out as it shits out our livers, and smears it on the walls of our fallen society- *

Anyway...

Her grandma was clearly a witch that hid a world of fairies in a box.

Opening thoughts:

-Okay, so the introduction makes me feel like I'm in my childhood again, and I'm so excited!!! Maybe it's because I love Disney (after the racism era ended.....), and also fairies are great. But, I'm pooping my pants right now, so good job. It feels like I'm being read a bedtimes story (in a good way)!!!

-It's kind of crazy that you haven't lost any points. This is a record.

-I'm reading this with awe right now, and now I'm seven years old.

-I'm still enamored, everything is going very well. *Sheds a tear*

And....

-You ruined it. The thoughts are really annoying me. Some of them are a bit too unnatural. Like Miranda, is over here answering her own questions, and mentally nodding to herself...

-Okay, fine. I, too, have had full blown conversations with myself (we all do...I'm sure of it), but you worded her thoughts in a strange way. Re-read them out loud. (-3)

-There are a lot of minor mistakes throughout the first chapter, I got tired of picking them out. I feel like I'm your editor, when I'm actually just a little wrinkled up reviewer/writer.

-Please edit this chapter. Little mistakes make it a tiresome read, and may put off people who notice them. (-10)

Character (also new):

-I don't really have an opinion on Miranda yet, she's an average teenage girl. Talking to herself, and answering back, she seems pretty normal to me.

-All of the characters seem like really average everyday people. It's not a bad or good thing. No points lost.

Dialogue:

-This line doesn't flow well. It's read as a thought to the reader. If it's not a thought, re-word it (after reading more I found out you do this a lot):

"Apparently not, his gaze was still fixated on the road." (-3)

-Correction: Apparently not, she thought to herself. His gaze was still fixated on the road.

-Italicize thoughts, and separate them from the text when needed. (-3)

-This sentence has some things that can be ridden of:

Miranda looked down at her lap with a guilty face. "I mean, she never let me touched this, and now..."her words trailed away.

-This is minor since I haven't seen it anywhere else except here, but you need a comma before the closing quotes:

"I imagine she wouldn't." her father smiled slightly. (-15)

-Jokes, just jokes.

-It's actually (-2)

Corrections: Saying "face," is redundant. Also, it sounds a bit awkward. You can either replace it with "expression," or "look." Also, I suggest deleting the words that come after the ellipses. Everyone who is reading knows that her words are either trailing off, or that there is a pause. (-3)

-Also this didn't sit right with me either:

"Are you sure grandma wanted me to have this?" Miranda spoke up to her father in the driver's seat.

Spoke up??? Bad word choice, and also unnecessary description (I've been guilty for doing it as well). (-2)

-Saying "Miranda questioned," is smoother and cuts to the chase.

-Okay I lied, you have too many errors with your dialogue punctuation, and also capitalization. Nothing a good edit won't fix, too bad I'm still taking off points though. (-5)

Inconsistencies (if any):

Excerpt: "Miranda leaned back as the car lurched slowly to halt from one of the trucks in front of them."

-Let's ignore the fact that this is an awkwardly worded sentence for now: How is Miranda defying gravity? I know this is a fantasy and all...but we haven't been introduced to anything out of the ordinary yet. So, I'm lost.

-That whole sentence is a contradictory to itself.

Lurched?

Slowly?

-Give me Miranda's powers, so I too, can somehow not slam my head into the back of the passenger seat's headrest.

-Anyway, I don't know if this counts as an inconsistency, but I'm mentioning it anyway.

-The narrator. The narrator, the narrator, the narrator.

They talked to me.

-Okay I think we all know what a narrator is, and how they work. If anyone doesn't, an explanation is provided below.

-They're either part of the story and show it from their perspective, or it's some weird vapor-punk that stalks everyone and their thoughts--sometimes they only do it to one victim though. Whatever form they choose to take, they are usually showing the story to the readers.

-This moment, however, was noteworthy only because of this:

"Maybe if she changed the subject that would help?"

*Looks around* who are they talking to?

-I felt attacked, when I read that. I was chilling this whole time—a little bored---and then the narrator had the audacity to try to talk to me, no reach out of the screen to touch me with their filthy little hands.

*Sprays Raid™everywhere*

NO!

-It's not against the rules for a narrator to propose a question, there are different uses for them outside of dialogue. But, the thing is they're always rhetorical.

-This vapor-punk actually looked me dead in the eyes, and asked me a question. I feel personally victimized right now, and I am not happy. Thanks, Regina George.

-Dramatics aside, just re-word it and put it in italics. It's a thought. (-2)

Writing Style:

-I think your writing style is great, you really do have an ability to pull your readers in, and also make them feel a childish giddiness inside. So, kudos to you. Of course, there is much need room for improvement, but your work will be covered in pixie dust, once it gets revised.

Likes/Dislikes:

-I like the story idea, so I might stick around. Don't get excited though, I'm not done with you yet.

-You really need to edit this thing. For the love of God, stare at it for so long that your eyes turn into mush! Just edit it!!!

-The first chapter is boring, but I'll let it slide. Most opening chapters are.

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

-You have a major punctuation problem. Google is like church to me, let it help you, let it massage the soles of your feet, I even heard they offer people who are into sucking toes...

-Somehow that will help you with your punctuation, everyone should get their toes sucked at least once (doused with hot sauce too).

-However, I didn't notice much grammar issues, so yay!

Where you need to improve:

-Dialogue punctuation, big time.

-Sentence structures.

-Separating and distinguishing the character's thoughts.

-Word choice, lord word choice.

Why/When I stopped reading: You ran out of points my dear, before the first chapter even ended. I'm really sad about that.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get............................................................

Three gummy bears!!!!!!!!! Preferably, three vodka soaked gummy bears. Meaning, this story may get better with time, so I'm adding it to my private Library. It seems very promising.

You did get one vote, so hoorah!!