UPDATE: The author has changed cover since the review.

Word Count: 1425

Title: Six Feet Under

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Blurb:

Sisters Madison and Adelaide Greene lead a charmed life, to the outside eye, living in a seemingly perfect beach town on the East Coast. Then everything changed when their mother was found murdered in her bedroom.

In a town so determined to be perfect, it is an inescapable fact that everybody harbors secrets of their own. The Greene sisters are hiding something just like everybody else, but their secrets might have less to do with perfection and more to do with their freedom.

[A murder mystery told in reverse-chronological order]

*********NEW BLURB**********

A privileged town.

    A perfect family.

    A murder that turned the town upside down.

    A pair of sisters who might not be as perfect as everyone wants to believe.

    [A murder mystery told in reverse chronological order]

Status: Completed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: It looks pretty and professional. If the cover maker's name wasn't staring back at us like they were your mother, I would think this was a published book. However, it does contradict the title, but I think it fits the theme you got going on, so no points lost here.

Title (new): Again, it fits the mystery theme. It's pretty short, catchy, and easy to remember—it's good. No points lost.

Summary: *Sigh*

Everything was going great until you ruined my vibe.

Why?

The summary you sent me in your form, was so great. Just from it alone, I actually wanted to vote for your book.

But then you spat on me, and everyone else with this new summary that thinks they are a hot shot. Let me tell you something Talia, that summary is trying to make your life worse, it hates you, and it doesn't do anything for the story, except making me not want to read on. Throw it in the trash. (-5)

Plot: It's going to go in reverse, and one of the sisters killed the mom (I'm guessing!!).

Opening thoughts: Lord.

-There's an extended summary. *sobs*

-You could have just called it an "Introduction," or a "Prologue."

-Now I have crabs. (-1)

-First sentence is high key a mess, and I'm sobbing because this story actually looks interesting.

-I know your using repetition on purpose, but you're executing it poorly. Its making you look like you have a very narrow vocabulary. (-4)

-Excerpt: "Welcome to Clairmont Cove, the beachside city to end all beachside cities along the East Coast, the city of perfect scenery, perfect weather, perfect families, and perfect people.  "

-Correction/Idea: "Welcome to Clairmont Cove, the beach side to end all beachside cities along the East Coast. It's the city with the tasteful mixture of perfect scenery, weather, families, and all-around perfect people.

- You do not have to use the word "perfect" every two seconds. It is not the only adjective in existence.

All of these words could have substituted in its place:

(Faultless, flawless, consummate, quintessential, exemplary, best, ultimate, copybook, pristine, impeccable, immaculate, superb, superlative, optimum, prime, optimal, peak, excellent, magnificent, wonderful, marvelous, supreme, consummate, outstanding, remarkable, fine, choice, first-rate, +countless more!!!!!!!)

-This was me when I first started out in writing. I used the word "picturesque" in everything.

-Type numbers out in standard form. (-1)

-There are run-on sentences everywhere, I'm sweating.

-Where are the periods?! Stop talking!!!! End the sentence already!!! *shakes violently* (-4)

-"And everything changed when their mother was found murdered in her bedroom." (-1)

-Take out the word "and," it does nothing for the sentence.

- This "extended summary," really does nothing for the story. If it was up to me, I would just delete it. You're ruining the suspense, and I would have stopped reading. Luckily for you, you still have points.

Character (also new):

-They seem very shallow right now, cliché, and uninteresting. It fits the theme you're doing. Too bad, I'm bored. (-2)

Dialogue:

-Oh my god. The first dialogue that's finally presented, has a colon. (-10)

-WHY?????????? Why would you????

-Okay, okay, okay. It's not that bad.

-A quick edit, and everything will be fine. *Rocks back and forth*

Inconsistencies (if any):

-I'm really lost on why the judge is grilling her?

-Isn't that the prosecutor's job?

-Okay, I think it was the prosecutor, and you just didn't word/state it correctly. Also known as a "big no-no." (-2)

- What does this even mean? "Controlled chaos"

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????

-That actually wasn't bad, because I like the contradiction and the use of juxtaposition--sort of. I'm not really a fan of them though because of instances like these. Going a bit more in detail after using it would have went a long way. Like, providing the reader with descriptions of the intensity in the room, the sounds, the smells, people's expression, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

- You have some tense changes, and they were very awkward. I suffer from them as well, but this one kind of smacked me in the face. Fix it, Jesus:

"Madison looked away, because perhaps she is a little bit tired of this circus game of lies and porcelain smiles, where anyone can be made guilty if the evidence is titled just right when the light hits."

-Looking at it again, that is probably the worst sentence I've read in my life (I'm exaggerating). For starters, it is clear you and periods (not the menstrual one that should be rightfully hated) do not get along. In fact, I think you hate them. Also, the reason this sentence is so horrible is because the narrator doesn't even sound sure in their narration?? Perhaps??What kind of mind reader are they?? Fire them now!

(Other reasons why that sentence was atrocious are stated below.)

Writing Style: I really don't have anything to say here. It isn't horrible, nor does it really stand out either. You simply need a lot of work in other areas, so it got undermined greatly because of it. 

Likes/Dislikes:

-I like your story idea. However, I'm not sure if I like it being told from the ending and to the beginning. Also, it just looks like you dragged your chapters into that order...that's just me though, so don't feel like you need to change it.

-I hate the execution. With a passion. Good thing this story is pretty short, so it will be a lot easier for you to go over your mistakes.

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

-The grammar wasn't too horrible, it was readable. Congrats! *throws confetti*

-I think I already went over this, you need to learn what periods are.

Where you need to improve:

The most exciting part *rubs hands together.*

- Your sentence structures. Holy hell do you need work. There are far too many run-on sentences, they literally went on for ten years. I thought they were never going to end.

-You need to work on showing the reader the character's emotions, who they are, what is going on in the room, instead of telling it. I suffered from this (many people do, you're not alone) for a very long time, and I still do. It's hard, I know. You do it too much and it's actually a huge problem in your writing. I suggest Google (I suggest it for everything), maybe because I self-teach myself a lot of things, but that's how I learned and got better (I still am). You can find so many sites, outside of wattpad, that can help you with dialogue tags, how to drop the habit of telling your readers every single thing, and more. One particular moment that you did it:

"(She was never in New York City; the last time she visited New York City was when she was fifteen years old.)"

*Internally screams*

-The fact that you felt the need to say that, brought tears to my eyes? Sad and disappointed tears.

-PLEASE let the readers figure that out!!!

-I'm starting to feel like this isn't even a mystery anymore, because you practically tell us everything. Like, fuck suspense and the mystery. You threw both of them out the window a long time ago.

-Word choice and wording. They can make or break everything. It's why your narrating seemed very off at points.

Why/When I stopped reading: You ran out of points I think in the middle of chapter 10 (the second chapter). I feel like a betrayed mother right now.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get.....................................................................

*Drum roll*

Dust. Actually, stone dust to be precise. Make use of it please.