(Aye guys, anyone who needs a cover maker, HoneyBoo can do it and she doesn't have a queue right now! I'll provide am external link to anyone interested.)

Word Count: 2327

Title: Shapeshifters: The corpse of guilt

Genre: Fantasy

Blurb:

~Old Blurb~

Nobody knows what's truly out there, Freya is a realist and won't bluntly believe in fiction unlike her best friend Alex. Follow them as they reveal the secrets of their city, thrusting them into unknown danger. She doesn't know who to trust as what she thought was reality quickly changes. Being in the middle of a conflict where the others don't appear to be human. She fights to stay alive and get to the bottom of it all. Sometimes the bottom seems without reach when people around her seem to hide their real faces. What would you do when everyone you know could be someone else?

~New Blurb~

(The cover is temporary, taking pictures and editing might take a while. I'm also going through and editing to improve)

Freya is a non-believer... a rationalist... a realist, trying to find her purpose in life.

Unlike his best friend, Alex has an unhealthy obsession for fiction, believing in the fantasies that Freya views as nonsense.

What Freya doesn't know, is that her version of reality is not what it seems. Discovering that fantasy is reality, Freya struggles to come to terms with this new world. Finding herself in the middle of supernatural conflicts and discovering those who she has known her entire life may be hiding behind a facade.

Freya must fight to survive to understand what the world truly is. To find out who she truly is and how she plays a pivotal role in the this world of fiction. The world her best friend once loved. Breaking the barrier that holds the truth can send a flood of insanity, torment and bloodshed your way. Can she handle the consequences of knowledge?

Status: Ongoing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cover: This was the first thing I saw without looking at the summary. And it's atrocious. Since you didn't credit a cover maker, I'm going to give a quick guess that you made this yourself? Well, if you did, please browse and stalk the multimedia threads right now. Don't even read the rest of this review, first get that situated. It has to go. I don't care how long it takes, just do it.

*Shia LaBeouf's voice* Just do it!!!!!!

I wouldn't have even clicked on your story just because of the ugliness. So, it is in fact important. (-5)

Title: I just realized your story title has been incorrect in queue for a while now...And you didn't even correct me? Anyways, the title is definitely original. It doesn't go with the summary or the bootleg cover, but it's making me ask questions.Too bad that the part after "The" wasn't capitalized. (-1)

Note to everyone: If something in your title is only three words or less, it can remain lowercase (if it isn't the first word of the title). If there are more letters than three, capitalize it. I learned the hard way.

Summary:

-It's a huge mess. I'm serious. The old one was really bad, and I appreciated the change--until I actually read it. All it did was confuse me. There really wasn't anything pulling readers towards it, and it's tragic because the title seemed promising.

-Okay, let me tell you why the summary is bad.

-For starters, the disclaimer serves only as a raging red flag, but at least it made me laugh. I personally felt like this was directed towards me, but that's just me being a cocky twat. I did the same thing when I knew I was going to get dragged by a reviewer, at some point.

-Past me: "Note: This is going under severe editing, so please, please, be gentle with me. I'm not fully dressed yet, spare me."

-I know all.

-Here's the red flag:

(The cover is temporary, taking pictures and editing might take a while. I'm also going through and editing to improve)

-It doesn't even make sense, which kind of makes it annoying. Taking pictures?? What? I really don't care so I'm moving on.

-The use of ellipses (...) was unnecessary, "and" would have sufficed.

-The summary was brimmed with wonky sentences, which doesn't paints a picture to readers that the writing in the book's going to reflect in the same manner.

-At least deceive people into reading your story with a great summary, but please don't ruin everything on just the summary alone. Get us to take the bait and open up your book.

-Excerpt: Unlike his best friend, Alex has an unhealthy obsession for fiction, believing in the fantasies that Freya views as nonsense.

-This sentence is a bit redundant and doesn't flow well.

-It can be cut down to this:

Unlike his best friend Freya, Alex has an unhealthy obsession for fiction.

-Your original sentence only repeated the same thing that was already told. Get to the point already.

-Another excerpt: What Freya doesn't know, is that her version of reality is not what it seems. Discovering that fantasy is reality, Freya struggles to come to terms with this new world. Finding herself in the middle of supernatural conflicts and discovering those who she has known her entire life may be hiding behind a facade.

-Suggestion: However, Freya doesn't know that her version of reality is not what it seems. Struggling to come to terms with this new world, Freya finds herself thrown in the middle of supernatural conflicts. The voyage of self-discovery, survival, and dismantling the façade that has been playing before her eyes her entire life. Questioning the difference between what is authentic, and what is not.

-Its not my greatest, but it's an improvement and it's a start. The original was just repeating itself, but with different words. If you don't have anything else to say, the summary is finished. End it already.

-The worst part of the summary is the "hook". It's a rhetorical question in second person. One of the most overused cliches. It needs to be removed and burned.

-Suggestion: Freya is a non-believer, a rationalist, and a realist. All she's trying to do is find her purpose in life.

Her best friend Alex, is the complete opposite. He believes in everything she perceives as nonsense.

However, Freya doesn't know that her version of reality is not what it seems. Struggling to come to terms with this new world, Freya finds herself thrown in the middle of supernatural conflicts. The voyage of self-discovery, survival, and dismantling the façade that has been playing before her eyes her entire life will show her the difference between what is authentic, and what is not.Or will she continue to deny the truth and remain in her protected bubble of ignorance?

-Too bad that's not how your summary actually looked like. (-10)

[Summaries are a pain in the ass, I get it. I'll give this to you through PM if you want it.]

Plot: Freya is an atheist who gets converted.

*Refrains from making a "I have been deliverT!" joke*

Opening thoughts:

-Already, I spotted a dialogue punctuation error. *Sighs*

-Okay, pause. I have no idea what's going on. It's immediately clear that you're very new to writing. I think everyone should at least learn the basics of writing a story before actually starting. Be prepared. Because I was instantly thrown out of the story by all of the errors, and awkward diction riddled throughout this chapter. I couldn't even picture the scenes clearly. (-5)

-Everything in the first chapter was dialogue, and I kind of wanted to stop reading because of it. You have to first establish the setting, enough background on the characters trickled around, what's going on, and all the while avoiding the irritating info-dump. (-2)

-It took a while for the setting to be revealed. I was mid-way deep when I found out the chapter was taking place in a classroom. You kind of just left the reader floating aimlessly until you finally mentioned it. Avoid the "White Room" syndrome at all costs. (-2)

Character:

-I'm failing to see Alex's purpose in this story. He just seems like the side-kick personality that accompanies the main character through the book. (-1)

-*Five year old me (I know)* Freya sucks ass! Okay, I just don't like her. If she was real, I would fight her. (-1)

Dialogue:

-You have serious dialogue punctuation problems. (They come before all of your dialogue tags.) It caused my eye to twitch. Maybe I was winking suggestively at my laptop screen, I don't know. (-1)

-Excerpt: "Oh come on Freya, you gotta start watching this" A sudden pressure on my arm made me wince and bat an eye at his book.

-Watching? You just said he was talking about a book...

-Correct dialogue: "Oh come on Freya, you have to start reading this," Alex begged. He pinched my arm, causing a hiss to escape my mouth.

-You kept on repeating Freya was blinking. It's random, useless, and never read well. I would suggest going back to all of the times you did it, and take them out. If you're trying to show that Freya doesn't care, stop—there's countless other ways to show it.

-If it doesn't have a legit reason (e.g., character habit/characteristic that actually affects them) or function to do with the character or story, it's obnoxious presence is just that: obnoxious.

Inconsistencies:

-Excerpt: "Mhmm" I mumbled, my eyes sunk lower.

-Here is another odd description that can give your readers nightmares. This one wasn't as bad as the last culprit that scarred me, but it still didn't make sense. Also, a comma is needed.

-Oh my god, this had to be the most interesting/amusing part.

-Freya finds an anonymous note in her locker, opening it, thinking it's from her friend, Alex.--I didn't expect this to be a cliché mystery story?--Then, some weird alien-ghost thing whispers to her, "Find out the truth Freya."

*Crickets chirp*

-I was lost for words, to put it nicely and simply. There was nothing about the scene that actually drew on possible suspense to even feel deserved. It felt forced. I hardly took it seriously because it came off like a deleted scene from Scary Movie 2.

-And for some reason, Alex then came out of nowhere at Freya's panicked call. Apparently, she had fainted. I don't even know when it occurred or what happened.

-What made it worst though, was that Alex thought adding pressure on Freya's forehead was logical?! I wanted to reach through the screen and throw him across the hall.

-You know what? I'm done. (-1)

Writing Style:

-It's very straight forward...in an off putting way. It didn't necessarily seem like a story was being shown, it was like you were just typing words out as they came to mind. Basically, a sloppy and poorly-developed (if at all) stream of consciousness.

Likes/Dislikes:
-Alex, even though he seemed a bit pointless ninety percent of the time, at least he allowed himself to dream unlike his boring friend Freya. I'm being subjective of course, but I don't care.

-Freya. She has to go.

-Your writing style. It has no bearing over anything because, well, it doesn't exist. Not really.

-I'm really confused.

-Great story idea that has a lot of potential.

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

-Jesus, there was a lot of punctuation errors. Mostly in the dialogue though.

-Excerpt: "What happened?" I said, a hit from inside my head sent a moan from my mouth

-You never ended the sentence for some reason, and that sentence doesn't make sense. (-1)

- I'm getting a feeling that English isn't your first language. The abundant errors would began to make a lot of sense.

Where you need to improve:

-Descriptions. Everything was vague, and there wasn't much imagery provided. All of the descriptions were painfully bland, and lackluster. It was a bit disappointing in every aspect.

-Dialogue punctuation and tags.

-The pace. Stop rushing everything. This didn't feel like a first chapter in any way. It felt like this was something you thought up in the middle of the night, and you typed it out before you forgot it all. The scenes weren't thought out well, and wasn't coherent in the slightest. You're showing a story, in this case however, Freya was showing the story through her eyes. Get the readers familiar with the sounds, smells, and the scenery of the story, but filtered through a character. How a normal person would describe their situation, surroundings, etc. the narration needs a consistent voice, which yours lack entirely.

-All of this should be developed before throwing all of these things together. None of the ideas were sticking, and it's an unpleasant mouthful that no one wanted to swallow. Certainly not me, that is.

-"Show vs. Tell"- modern proverb.

-Believability.

- Why/When I stopped reading: I'm sad you ran out of points so quickly (everyone does, I'm a tough cookie). I stopped reading at the beginning of chapter one (somewhat close to the middle, but not really).

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get..................................................

*Drum rolls*

-I think you know what you're get, dear. *Pats you on the head*

A DUST HURRICANE!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Writing isn't something you get at the first go, and I definitely think you'll improve in time with enough persistence. You have a strong story idea on your hands, you just need to spend a little more time on finding an editor that cares for you, and would take the time to help you better and clean up your writing. Help books around wattpad are incredibly helpful, and they can go more in depth on what you're doing wrong. I believe in you. Today, you get a dust hurricane though!

:)

*Frolics away*