Word Count: 3344

Why is this review so long...

Title: Shadow of the Past ∞ a 'trilogy'

Genre: Science Fiction

Blurb:

~NEW BLURB~

A Paranormal SCI-FI Mystery-Romance Fantasy Thriller rooted in our time and space! ∞

One Disaster--Two Earths--Three Survivors:

the Loved--the Wanted--and the Light.

Hunted, haunted and shadowed,

how will they ever find peace?

It was a different Earth, a different age. Mankind was the Ark for the lost animal kingdom. But that world died and three survivors land on our Earth, in our age.

They are aliens on American soil--but are they a threat to National Security? The government sends its Black Ops task force to capture them--dead or alive.

What will Danny, an all-American guy, do when a mysterious girl turns his heart and life upside down? Will he be prepared when the Shadow of her past comes face to face with the light of his future?

"This epic tale not only spans the far reaches of time but burrows deep inside all of us, exposing the love and pain behind the choices that lay out the destiny we share." @ TimothyMarsh

~OLD BLURB~

ONE is lost with NO memory--and is found by HIM.

TWO is lost with THE memory--and finds a life of crime.

THREE sees them both--and makes the choice.

[Everything else the same]

Status: Ongoing

~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: Not a fan, really. However, this is not a bad cover in a general sense when comparing it to the cow dung that is passed off as covers in the deepest trenches of Wattpad, obviously. For me though, this is a "bad cover" because of how busy and cluttered it is. Where exactly should we, the viewers, draw our attention to? It is quite clear who the demographic of this book is targeting with the entire main cast pasted on for all to see, belved letters and all that hoopla though. Anyway, to me, it is a bit of an eyesore, but for a certain crowd, this is effective and intriguing so no points lost.

Title: Boring. I am tired of the title of books having the word "shadow" in it. This probably relates back to the book so I do not think it would be entirely fair if I dock points out of my mere annoyance. I will let this slide, even if I do not want it to. *Crosses arms*

Blurb:

-The original worked better, which is not really saying much since only the intros are omitted and nothing else.

-Cannot really tell what the second one is even trying to say and it is a bit aggravating. I would swap it out for the old one. It creates an air of mystery that invites the reader in while the new one pushes them away. (-1)

Plot: The Many World Theory, action, and is a huge sci-fi fest, bro. Consider me: *transformer robot noise* Engaged.

Opening thoughts:

*Skips four chapters worth of foreplay* (-4)

*Shrivels up at the sight of the formatting in the prelude* (-1)

*Hisses at the sight of second person*(-1)

-Ultimately, the prelude is annoying. Truly. Truly, truly annoying. It is like the ear-grating narration that starts in some movies. The type of movies that cannot give *important* information in the actual story without making it a separate entity that solely exits to give exposition. It is not necessary, not as necessary as a lot of writers think it is. I once created a prologue that did that and it fell apart for the same reasons. This is not a welcoming scene for readers to climb into, it does the exact opposite, in fact. (If that is the case for me, it will be the case for someone else along the way.) Second person is not the way to successfully insert readers into a story and get them immersed. It is a bit gimmicky and has become a (shitty) parlor trick to me. Draw an actual scene that the readers can grapple onto and visualize. The prelude that is up now only demeans the reader's intelligence. For me, it is completely a throwaway chapter. (-3)

-Okay, so the start of chapter one is off to a much better start. Hallelujah! To sum it up: the focus is on a truck driver who has had a couple of drinks from some earlier time and misses his stop by a few miles off. He gets out the truck for a reason or another and ends up seeing a shooting star and gets an "urge" to go to a nearby dam, which is also alluded that it's an unidentified force urging him to do so. Anyway, this entire scene is blanketed in mystery and is intriguing and all, but I cannot help but feel detached from this character because I know he is not the main OR supporting characters. UPDATE: Oops, I am shit with names and it took me three minutes deep in chapter two to finally realize he IS the MMC. HA. *Coughs*

-Another positive note is that the overall vibe feels like the beginning of a Jeepers Creeper flick or Goosebumps, or maybe even some 1980s kids show with that general vibe. Something perhaps lived in, that smells of the latter half of the twentieth century, which I am guessing is the point since the story is taking place in 1979(?).

*Taps foot impatiently*

-So, turns out that this chapter is a flabby tease that takes forever to get to the point and it is dragging on. Nine minutes in and trucker dude STILL has not reached the fucking dam. (-3)

-Overall, chapter one is a drag. It starts out promising and intriguing in the way it paints the atmosphere and landscape around the character, Danny, but it ultimately loses itself in its own mystery and forgets that it needs to begin the story--thus accidentally boring its readers halfway through the chapter. (Remember: If I feel this way about it, so will others.) My advice is to cutdown maybe two or three minutes off of this. Maybe even four.

-The length of these chapters though...UM. I am only a bean trying to get through this in one piece! Chapter two is NINETEEN MINUTES LONG! Who is reading that?! NOT me!

Characters:

-Daniel (Danny) McGahn, a middle-aged (UPDATE: he is actually twenty-one, I'm screaming) truck driver, probably is in a relationship with his truck and has his own episode in that show on TLC, not very wise, may or may not be an alcoholic, has a sister, lives with his mum? Anyway, I am not going to pass any judgment on any of that. Because that is his business, but I am getting tired of him. Specifically, I am getting tired of being in his head. He talks too much, which I can understand considering the weird situation he is in, but it does not mean I must care about all the shit he is thinking. I will say that at least I know what he is feeling always and that I can climb into his head and set up shop if I wanted to (but not understand my new surroundings), which holds some merit but not enough. The author needs to try to switch up how they deliver his anxiousness because two chapters in and not much has changed. In other words, try showing his actions, how he appears physically BECAUSE of the situation, sensory details, etcetera.

-We are still in his head, weird shit continues to happen, the girl with him is not helping, and I still cannot care all that much. Even though I have realized he is not a side character, I cannot quite shake the feeling that he seems like one. A side character that takes up an undeserving amount of page time and I never realized how annoying that can get until now. At least not this early on in a book. The tidbits of the person he is has not gotten me to get interested to learn more about him neither. I am not saying he is not a planned-out character because he probably is from what the author shows in their quality of writing, but he is so dull and ordinary he sucks the soul out of a scene and makes me want to read anything but this. He is legit a generic truck driver character with a bland backstory and spotlight on him for...for god knows why?! Torture, perhaps? If this character can do this with a plot that holds such high promise, there MUST be something wrong with him. There must be. (-5)

-Oh, and for some off-based reason, I am imaging Danny as an overweight, balding, flannel wearing truck driver, which I doubt since he mentions (in his head) that he was in a club. Maybe it is because he sounds old as shit, even when keeping in mind that he belongs to a different time than my own, so there's that.

-Girl Danny finds. She is a half horse half human hybrid. Favorite thing to say is "Nay". Clearly, an alien that has no idea how to be discreet (like, bro) AND is also clairvoyant. Come back to me on this, but just know that I am bored.

-Gina. I do not care about this character, remotely, in any way. Her sole purpose seems to be serving as a device to give Danny more character and as a slyer exposition outlet. She is also an enabler to Danny's recklessness, (inconsistent) mummy-type of big sister, and knows first aid things? Lives at home with her mum too.

Dialogue:

-Three words: Boring, but believable.

-Never mind. The dialogue between Gina and Danny is...odd. What the hell.

Grammar/Punctuation issues:

-Excerpt/Correction: Even the air was stil[l.]

-The grammar is stellar besides from the flub above. Horrah!

Inconsistencies (if any):

-Danny, truly, does not belong in this story I feel. Like, what made the author think he could hold an audience's attention (along with the other MC, of course)? He is a weak ass link!

-Who calls their sister "sis" to their sister? Isn't that redundant? She knows who she is to him! Drink Nitrogen Dioxide, Danny!

-WHO would use the word "strangulate" instead of "strangle" right after they have been taken out of their sleep? What kind of weirdos?

-Somehow, Danny reverts in age when he is around his sister, Gina. He sounds like he is eight years old and it's jarring. I am starting to question his age now and his relationship with his sister. Is she older? Why does she care that he may be drunk/tipsy? Isn't she a grown woman herself? With bills? Her own concerns? Why does Danny care if she does not believe him anyway? Isn't he a grown man? With bills? More significant concerns? That whole lot? What, does he have a history of abusing alcohol? If that is the case, the tone of this conversation is still fucking weird? What is this?

-Why - is - Gina - speaking - like - this?

-WHY would Danny bring a stranger he found in/by a lake (I do not even remember anymore because I have been reading this for so long, ahh!) to his HOME? Wait, scratch that, his mum's home? She can be dangerous, for fucks sake?! He does not know her from anywhere, and even though he runs through all the possibilities of where she has come from, how she ended up there, and if he should trust her, he STILL goes against his better judgments and brings her to his house?! Is Danny a dumbass? Is that where this is going because I think that is where this is going. He is not having an "otherworldly force" pushing him to make these stupid decisions either, so that excuse cannot save him from his malfunctioning brain and my strong side-eye. Anyone with a brain would either not help her, drop her at the police station, the hospital (against her wishes because FUCK HER, this is his car, either get this help or get out!), or I do not know, a homeless shelter? Do those not exist in this town/city?

-Also, tipsy or not, Danny is not wasted, so the alcohol isn't doing this. He would be most likely dead if he was driving wasted, not helping some girl about to die of pneumonia. He is just dumb and naive.

-So far though, Danny's sudden feelings for the girl he does not even know the name of, is BY FAR. *Chuckles ironically* BY. FAR. The most annoying and bizarre thing that has happened. I would have thought that this romance or attraction would PACE itself, but nah.

*Screeches in demon voice*

~~~~~N A H~~~~~

-The author hates me. Instead of the plot actually beginning, this chapter is serving me teen fiction vibes of "He found himself wanting her to look at him, to see what color her eyes were." AND: "She deserved better than what she'd gone through." ???????????#$%^#

w h y...wouldheknowthis...s h e...hasbarelyspokentohim...

*Breathes heavily and mashes keys*

-WHAT. THE. FUCK. It is chapter TWO! They do not know each other! He does not know her name! She can be a murderer! She can be a fucking thief! She can be radioactive at this point, for all he knows! She can be DYING! This does not matter though because Danny's boner comes first (har har) before the plot! Why can't this book handle pacing! Tone! Pacing! Tone! P A C I N G! T O N E!

-It is super convenient Gina shows little restraint to help some random girl when they could simply take her to...to the hospital or literally: ANYWHERE ELSE. Like normal people. *Blinks so hard my eyelids tear*

-How and why did mystery girl go up the stairs? What?

-Where is Gina and Danny's mum throughout all this?

-I do not understand these characters' situations. When speaking specifically about Danny, I can see and read his thoughts about things happening to him and get useless information about him, but I can't understand why he does any of the things he does in these chapters.

(-10)

Likes/Dislikes:

-GREAT, and pretty original premise! Would definitely read in my free time.

-Mystery alien girl has a distinct voice.

-The firefly scene is decent. The descriptions of the dogs are even better though and I do like how you used them to allude to something Daniel is not paying attention to.

-The interlude reminds me of A Wrinkle in Time.

-The author has the impressive ability to construct scenery vividly, depict confusion (mostly), and overall atmosphere extremely well, which is something I appreciate when I come across it on Wattpad.

*Clenches fist and grits teeth*

-Yet, somehow, manages to hammer down that same ability so fucking hard into my bum hole, that I am now bleeding, bored, and frustrated by their inability to understand pacing. The pacing is complete SHIT, guys. I can never have a fully good thing. I am so bitter about it that I want to roar like a domesticated cat.

-No one else has a consistent voice. Maybe Gina does though. As in, consistent in its oddness.

-I do not know enough about Danny, and that's odd considering we've spent so long with this character. Thirty-three minutes, to be precise, if the readers read straight through chapters one and two without making a face.

-The execution, at least for the first few chapters, is a disaster for the characters and the story. It is so, so disappointing. I had HOPE, y'all! *Stomps foot and growls pathetically to myself*

-Danny does NOT fit this story. It did take me awhile to finally understand why his character annoyed me so much, and now I get it. He does not seem like a bad guy or anything, but he is lacking. And I can see them trying to take The Lego Movie route with him, but NAH BRO. It ain't working! Therefore, creating complex characters AND characters that fit the story that they belong to are so fucking important! He does not match, it does not even make sense in context. He either needs a serious rewrite, be presented better because this story does not need an "ole ordinary bloke" type of character, OR whatever makes him relevant to the plot (besides from finding the girl/gaining a bond with her--that is not enough) needs to be shown/brought up earlier to not turn off readers from him too much. (-2)

-Even though I have the creeping suspicion that I will not last that long (har har, foreshadowing!), I am loathing this impending (but, clearly, quite near) romance because I am imaging them (Daniel and mystery gal) as a father and a daughter relationship moreso. *Cringes and vomits into my cereal bowl* *whimpers*

-The tone is so fucking off. Everyone sounds and appears differently than what I think the author is trying to portray them as, and in that case, it is an utter mess. A confusing mess.

-Long chapters are for when an author has bagged engaged and committed readers, not for when readers are trying out their book on the first date. Slow your roller, cowgirl.

-I feel like I'm being particularly hard on this author because of their experience and that this is my favorite genre. RIP. 

My Takeaway:

-This book, even though it looks like I hate it, has hope and is salvageable. It probably picked itself up from its foolery right after I stopped reading, but I will not know since the intro chapters did not do much for me. The first few chapters are not bad or good (to me), they are just not the best that they can be. I can see this progressing into the interesting story I imagine it to be, but the intro chapters failed to show that.

-Some Tips: 1) Break the chapters into shorter parts either by throwing out unnecessary foreplay OR simply ending the chapter at a reasonable point and making the remainder of the words left into their own designated chapters. 2) Pace the events accordingly. A way to know the correct order of how and when things (this includes the distribution of exposition) should commence in a story is listing the importance of the event happening and the necessity of the reader knowing/seeing it occur at that particular moment in the story, then going on from there. However, important events (and whatnot) of lesser importance should not happen all at once in certain portions of the story. 3) Do not contradict characters right after establishing that they are a certain way. Readers are turned off by inconsistency. (Example: Sally is violent, is an instigator, and in general, loves violence. When Sally sees a fight, she breaks it up all of the time.) This can be pulled off with an actual character arc, but it has to be well paced, logical and earned. 4) Another way to filter out unnecessary events in a chapter for the sake of runtime and continuity is to establish a center of focus and don't stray too far from it. When the key elements of the chapter have been either discussed or shown by characters, settings, action and all that jazz: MOVE. ON. 5) This can also lead to outlining the chapters more effectively. Nothing too extravagant either. Three or four bullet points can do the trick, even.

-I feel like all of these are obvious tips, but think of them as a reminder. I've provided an external link that I use when trying to tackle a scene that I'm having trouble getting down.

Why/When I stopped reading: I stopped reading when I finished the first interlude, but I ran out of points to subtract from towards the end of chapter two.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get......................

*Drum roll*

I'm getting tired of giving out so much flour.