Word Count: 3656

Title: Of Shadows

Genre: Science Fiction

Blurb: Aided by a virus whose symptoms are strangely supernatural, Oda Alours has made a living off the secrets you thought you could keep hidden. She thrives in the back-alley shadows, dealing secrets to anyone with a pretty penny. All she needs to survive is to keep her head down around the police and keep her mystical ability under wraps.

But that all changes when she's sent on a seemingly-simple mission by the notorious Fosc Agrupar. Oda finds herself in the sights of a persistent detective keen on bringing her shady world to light. And he's not going to back down anytime soon.

Then, in an earth-shattering move, an organization Oda thought she could trust blows all the rules out of the water.

Alliances abruptly shift, promises are broken, and morality is thrown to the side in the race to commit the greatest conspiracy of all time. But secrets always catch up with those trying to outrun them, and the worst bring deadly consequences with them.

Status: Completed

~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: Not a fan. The picture is unclear and it did take me a while to figure out the character is standing on a street. It's just dark, really has no personality, and so many other great covers on here upstage it. I would think about changing it. I'll be generous and not take points off--even if it does nothing for my nether regions. *Sighs*

Title: Maybe its relevant to the plot, but again its pretty boring and doesn't draw attention to itself in any way. A little imagination could for sure lead the author to come up with something better. It's not enough for me to dock a point though so congrats.

-Suggestion: Maybe adding something in front of the preposition "of" can bring more light to the context of the novel?

Blurb:

*Hisses at the use of second person*

-Try to stay in third-person in descriptions. There should be a narrative distance applied to the blurb of a book because blurbs are essentially a separate entity from a book and serve to relay an ambiguous journey and premise of the hero's plight or/and their world (I've seen first person pulled off by some but generally don't do it, dear god). Now that I've gotten that off my system: the blurb is kind of a drawled-out mess. It isn't bad, I don't think, but it does fall short by overstating itself and not knowing when to, you know...shut up. In hindsight, it could have stopped immediately after the second paragraph. Paragraph three is not necessary, but I guess if the author really wants to tell potential readers *slowly blinks* what happens, then a short sentence like this could suffice: *tone dial*.

-Never mind, I just realized how scatterbrained the last paragraph truly is and I'm slightly triggered. Here's an easy way to deal with "blurbing" a complex plot: just leave shit out. We got the premise, just shut up. I've been talking about this for too long, moving on! (-3)

Plot: *Shrugs, bites into imaginary pop tart*

-I really want a pop tart.

Opening thoughts:

-So, the chapter starts out with a scene depicting some kid with grey hair acting as if he has never seen rain before and just letting it soak him because...the plot needs to happen? That doesn't last long though because his mum calls out to him and some weird descriptions are awkwardly thrown in the mix that either makes little sense or is just irritating to read and only proves to be a disservice to the chapter as a whole. For example, the first paragraph is an overabundance of adjectives and it is annoying. I noticed a pattern of "double-adjectives" (sometimes even triple, HA) before or after a noun throughout it, all working to piss on my face, which is for the record: fucking rude and also tastes like Tang...Try drinking some water. Be generous to your lovers, guys! I'm talking some shit again, aren't I?

-Excerpts: "long silvery hair...", "his eyes, crystal clear blue...", "deep gray clouds...", "cold, fat raindrops...", "quaint blue house...", "cream-colored apron...", "flat brown hair..."

-^This is ridiculous. 

-Anyway, I don't know what it is, but it needs to stop. Don't let adjectives do the heavy lifting in descriptive writing. If an adjective isn't there to modify a noun or pronoun or clarify the subject of a sentence: LEAVE IT OUT! Use strong verbs instead! Verbs are more specific, give weight to writing, and paint active pictures in readers' heads. Adjectives, on the other hand, aren't effective descriptive writing, nor has it ever been; it only clutters sentences and makes me want to close this book if it keeps going on. (-2)

*Puts on judging glasses*

-People have literally been telling the author this since July of last year (probably earlier than that)! So, really, there's no excuse for it. It screams of laziness and shows the lack of maturity in the writing here. This may be just me, but I have an immense pet peeve for when I catch an error and realize numerous people have voiced this same concern in the comments through a span of time but the author NEVER edits it! Y'ALL, IT TAKES A MINUTE? IF THAT! At maximum, if there's a ton of comments about errors it will take maybe thirty minutes to fix it. I don't know about y'all but as a reader that would dissuade me from commenting and probably cause me to close the book if it didn't immediately grip me. The minute someone catches an error in my writing, I will fight five ducks and three hamsters (no other animals please, I will lose) to fix that shit if it's a consistent thing annoying people or if I agreed with the grammar correction. (-5)

-I may be projecting though, so I'll refrain from judging too hard. (+2) 

*Removes judging glasses and sulks*

-Moving away from that, there is also constant SHORT breaks in the chapter and I am thoroughly lost at the moment? None of them are necessary? UPDATE: So I read what others said about this...peculiarity and someone thinks that it is trying to imitate "split screen" styled-transitions that are typically used in anime or manga. If that's the point of this I'm perplexed and sHook. This isn't an anime television show or manga. It's a book. This only disrupts the narrative and the reader's attention from the scene. Why? Well instead of paying attention to the scene they are too busy trying to decipher the reasoning for all of these fuCKIng breaks! This just seems like an odd and distracting choice to go with and it does nothing for bettering reader enjoyment or contributing to the plot, characterization, or anything relevant. It's just jarring and unappealing. Cut it out. (-2)

-The rest of the scene transpires in a heap of info-dumping that is delivered via radio? Television? Who knows!--because the writer never bothers and simply slaps some quotes on said exposition with a bunch of dates and chapter breaks to show the progression of time instead of using some creativity and sparsing this information out. Through. Actual. Story. So not only is there a choppy giant time leap after that useless fucking excerpt of a scene, the rest of the chapter is essentially the beginning of every apocalypse movie that delivers information to the viewer via television broadcast. My buttcheeks are clenched so hard. Instead of doing this, try to incorporate all of this into the narrative, it's not impossible and this makes for a sour opening for a book. 

-Okay, uh, so I'm guessing the detective guy from the blurb is reading these reports because of all this "file" mentions? I don't know. Guys, the formatting of this entire prologue is a confusing mess and I've never seen something like it before. I now have a permanent grimace on my face, in fact. Thanks for the inevitable wrinkles. 

-My suggestion is to throw away this ENTIRE prologue. It is not good in any way and it is in these very instances that I understand why people hate prologues.  Overall: I'm angry that I spent so long in this chapter. (-3)

-The next real chapter agains suffers from a weak and unimportant opening paragraph that focuses on fancy china. *Stares at the wall*

Characters:

-Oda Alours. A character with a unique name now probably has powers because stupid magic rain touched her. A criminal, I guess.

-Itzel. A character with a unique name now probably has powers because stupid magic rain touched him. Who knows where this silver poop is.

-Charleston Grey. Oda's partner.  

*Blinks*

-Come back to me. (-4)

-The Fosc Agrupar. Underground criminal world. I'm not sure if it has always been there or if the Gifteds created it or took it over? Again, who knows.

-Can't be bothered to mention the other characters because they are even more boring and I don't care.

Dialogue:

-Poop. Just kidding! There isn't enough here for me to go off on or get a sense of personality from the characters from what is provided...so, that's not great either. Still, I'll wait. *Crosses arms*

~UPDATE~

-Excerpt: After she's out of earshot, he leans forward on the table. "The Fosc called me today."

 "And what'd they want?" [...]

He shrugs. "The usual. Just a meeting."

-Strings of dialogue like the ones above clutter what I have read so far. All of it is utterly stupid. With a capital T, since I want to be extra. Like. My gripe with this is that this exchange doesn't make a lick of sense and it's frustrating. Shitty summary: Mr. Grey, tells Oda about something called "The Fosc". Normal enough, right? However, Oda reacts to the comment as if it is something that happens enough so it isn't a big deal, but Mr. Grey's body language suggests entirely otherwise. It's not only important but maybe even a rare occurrence, actually. Immediately, this is a contradiction that puzzles the reader if they are actually reading what they are reading, but it's not too much of a problem to fuck up the exchange since this can also mean that Oda just does not care either about the conversation, or about "The Fosca" to make it her business. The latter clearly isn't the case though because Mr. Grey decides to drop it as if it never had any much of importance and he simply wanted to hear himself talk. Why does Mr. Grey dismiss his own statement that he brings up in his accord? What is the point of even saying it in the first place? Is this only happening to fill in the word count?! Clearly the both of these fools care? The Fosca employes them?! *Inverts my eyelids in frustration*

-Apart from this issue, the dialogue is grossly formal, lacking any personality and its so, so, so unnatural. It makes me want to cringe. (-2)

Grammar/Punctuation issues:

-There are constant errors in either spelling, odd word choice, and syntax that has been corrected by readers but...they're all still here because the author hates us all. Plain and simple: it needs to be edited. I ranted about this mess earlier, y'all get the gist! (-2)

Inconsistencies (if any):

*Rubs hands together*

-My specialty.

*Takes a break to screech Glenn Jones- Show Me at 3 AM*

-*Ends up singing along to my playlist for two more accidental hours*

-*Spends the rest of the day after waking up doing nothing*

*Spends the next three days attending classes and ???*

-Oh fuck. Right, the review. 

-So, I am in chapter one (yay!) and I haven't gotten too much into this scene because none of it seems to be actually relevant. It just seems like it wants to give the backstory for the relationship between these two characters. Here's the thing, when dealing with science fiction, fantasy, or any book/genre that is dealing with a world that is vastly different than our own, the writer needs or should establish the laws of this world either early on and the scene that does this should start the plot. Now, obviously, info-dumping is not the answer but things that distract from the plot of the book should be cut on the editing room floor since its a waste of reading time and most readers will either skim the rest of the chapter or stop altogether. My point is: there is no context of why these characters are even at this restaurant before the readers are plopped into a random flashback for the sake of exposition. No one wants this so stop it! (-3)

-It takes too long for the names of these two characters to be revealed. Okay, yes, Makiko's name is stated early on but they aren't even mentioned in the blurb or in the prologue, so it kind of seems random that the FIRST chapter of the book focuses on a flashback on how Oda met her? (This matters if the names are mentioned in the blurb. If they are not it, there is no need to mention this.) What came over the author to take this direction? Why would they think the readers care? They just got the readers thinking about how this mysterious rain affected possibly thousands, maybe millions, of lives? Rather focusing on perhaps the aftermath of this event on this world through purposeful dialogue, strong descriptions, setting, and characterization, they deter from such a massive transition in human evolution/history to visit some restaurant, talking about a non-main character? What we want to see is these mutant subculture/society try to survive in a world that does not want them! What the fuck is this coffee shop setting?! (-3)

-The worst thing about this flashback is that it fails at establishing the relationship between Oda and Makiko. Basically, Oda gets caught in the rain and is running for shelter and some random shop lady decides to let her in, sat down with her in a booth and showed her a newspaper headline about some "Gifted" rogues getting arrested and after asking if Oda's heard of the story, she states: "People crazy these days."

-Then, the flashback ends.

*One side of my face falls slack*

-The grammar is clearly not the issue because it doesn't matter in dialogue; it's the pointless, time-wasting scene that just occurred. Is it even trying to establish these two characters' relationship/backstory? Is the scene's intent to actually tell the readers there are rogue "Gifteds" running about committing crimes or resisting? I am pretty sure the audience already knows this though? I can't find the purpose of what just happened and this is why it has been taking me so long to put out this gotdamn review. I'm simply...confused and distraught. (-1)

-Just curious, but did this only happen over a certain area or did this magic rain piss on the entire world?

-Okay, so I am unconvinced that "everyone" (as it's exaggerated in the book) freaks out when it becomes public knowledge that people who got exposed to the rain on that day now have powers. For me, it oversimplifies how people think, the inner workings of actual governments, and condenses it to a stale black and white picture on how this certain situation would work out. Also, in order for this scenario to work out this way, I think it's pretty fair to assume that there are no extremes to combat the extreme population that thinks these newly-transformed humans are going to...eat them(?), no government representatives, any type of sanctions, or state-appointed lawyers that can defend these people. Otherwise, I think they would be mentioned, right? 

-Sure, someone can make the argument that real-life marginalized people are treated this way to an extent so its not shocking that Gifteds would be subjected to such behavior, but my counter-argument would be that there are centuries of prejudice, brain-washing, out-group and culture biases, colonization, witch huntings, inhumane scientific experiments, etc. all under the belt of human civilization against minority group. There is an unjust, long-winded history behind the oppression of real-life marginalized groups, all for ludicrous reasons, but it took time to be the way that it is (and to slowly be undone, which we haven't seen as of yet or possibly ever, fully, undone if I want to be a true pessimist about this).  I doubt in six years people who. before this happened, were normal average citizens with rights would be suffering like this, I'm assuming. At least not the white ones, let's be real. *Stares into the camera*

-The only way I'm believing this hambooger scenario is if before this crazy incident occurred there had been no progress in the civil rights movement, or it never existed, affirmative action is not a thing, there are no disparities between class or gender, the UN never got formed because WWI never occurred, slavery didn't happen...ever, and racism doesn't exist until this incident fucked everything up. Nothing in our world that negatively affects anyone does exist in this universe, I have to believe this or everything that has been fed to me during the course of these two chapters will fall into a mushy pile of cow dung. 

-None of these things has to be created because it isn't nor has it ever been a problem before the magic rain. In order for this scenario to work, the author has to separate the reader's understanding from their own world and convince them of the reality of the world they are bringing them into...or create one first. (-2)

-But hey, I may be wrong and what I just explained is exactly what the author tried to do in the prologue. 

Likes/Dislikes:

-The premise is not very original but I do like the world the writer is trying to construct here.

-I think it could be interesting to see the reveal on how Oda got to the point she is now, as in being part of a criminal underground world, stoic, etc. It's a polar opposite of how the author depicts her character in the prologue. If this is forreal the direction that the writer is taking, again, be sure to spread out this information. Do not fill in the blanks immediately. 

-The plot needs to be developed more extensively, maybe even outlined if it helps. I'll be a hypocrite if I say that I outline my own work since I don't and I really just keep everything in my head (which is a mess), however, everyone's creative process is different but if the beginning of a book is this lackluster, confusing, and aimless--planning more ahead begins to make more sense. 

-The story begins at the wrong place. It's the sole conclusion that may cause my blood pressure to lower, so I am going with it!

-The prologue is exposition served on a platter of (poorly-handled) purple prose.

-Chapter one is almost worst because I could not even finish it. It drawls on for ten years even though if it is average length, with seemingly nowhere to go. I couldn't even be fucked to find out if it did go somewhere. Far too boring, overall.

-The exposition, in general, is handled in an unorganized manner that it also seems aimless with little thought in mind. None of it has any impact on me as a reader and the only thing that it has succeeded in doing is confusing me and keeping me consistently underwhelmed. That's nice.

-Besides from my earlier note on Oda, the characters are dull and this still holds true for her as well. Everyone is a bland rock, yo.

-The worldbuilding is lacking.

-I think the underlining issue here is that this is a poorly-planned novel masking itself as if it isn't. Really, I don't think this book has any clue about what its core is, what it wants to do with said core, and why it is here to begin with. It hasn't been fully realized by the writer and it is kind of existing with parts of itself missing from the equation that were never accounted for, waiting to be filled with...brownies. Yeah, let's go with that. Anyway, it's a half-baked idea trying hard to do something or another, who knows. The point: Planning ahead goes a long way.

My Takeaway:

-This may be the first draft, but since the author gave it the way it is, I'm judging it as it deserves. Anyway, this is a prime example of what happens to an unrealized plot: it crumbles beneath the weight of its own fragility and also my boredom. My main advice to combat this issue is breaking down what consists of the first couple of chapters to start the plot sooner, don't infodump, know when to give vital information for reader understanding, remember to ask if something is furthering the plot of the story ahead, adding characterization, or establishing setting--if it is not, throw it out. I provided an external link about how to write a cohesive scene, establish its purpose and form a set structure.

-Even though I hated this, I can also say that the idea is salvageable. Maybe the second draft (or whatever draft the author is on) will be better, and however long it takes does not matter really, just keep working and improving it. Anyways, at least I am finally done! 

*Takes a shot of Pediasure*

Why/When I stopped reading: I stopped reading near the end of chapter one but I couldn't take it anymore. Nearly exploded y'all. 

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get...............

*Drum rolls*

A dust devil and a moron!

*Rolls over and finally fucking falls asleep*