UPDATE: The author has changed the cover since the review.

Word Count: 1863

Title: Of Fire and Blood

Genre: High Fantasy

Blurb: Everything changed the day Silus met the man who smelled of Fire and blood.

With his enemies at the door and everyone he holds dear thrown into world of violence and brutality, one question remains:

Can he save them all?

Status: Ongoing

~~~~~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: I don't think it fits. It's isn't actually bad though. I can easily tell that this is going to be action packed, yes, but I'm not sure about it because it seems like it would fit in the apocalypse genre. The summary and title makes me think this is a historical fiction/fantasy book. Basically there are cover makers who can whip you up a much more gripping and authentic book cover. I can recommend you via PM if you care for a change that can save millions. (-3)

Title: I've got nothing to shit on you here. Hopefully, there is tons of gore and death. I'm excited!

Summary: And you ruined it that quick. It's actually good, don't get me wrong! I would have read on regardless, but the fact that your main genre is Fantasy makes it very underwhelming. You just kind of stated the main conflict and kept it moving, which is a turn off in my opinion. Give a bit of background of the main character, but not too much. It can make the reader actually care about this conflict your presenting, without it no one will actually care to open the book. Who cares if this dude has to save people? You didn't give a good enough reason for anyone to care. Also, since this is a fantasy maybe you should give more tidbits about the world?

Give the readers some information besides three vaguely-worded sentences, dammit! (-5)

Plot: Silus has to join forces with a murderous bum to save the world.

*Rolls eyes*

Opening thoughts:

-*Is "shook"*

-My scalp has been snatched and that journal entry was eloquently written. I'm bald.

-Hopefully this scalping session continues.

-Great descriptions, so far.

-Distinctive thoughts outside of narration should be italicized. It doesn't matter if the narrative is in first person. (-3)

-Excerpt: Calm down. He's not following you.

-"What could go wrong in a couple of days?"

*Rolls eyes for 300 years*

-Why do people feel the need to add this bull?!

-It isn't necessary! Just let the story play itself out! Foreshadowing is great, but try being a bit more creative and more subtle. I would take off points, but I'll let it slide this once.

Character:

-The main character Silus is typical teenaged boy. Running away from home. Lying. Getting excited for getting a shit job. Being ugly. I already don't like him. Hopefully, things don't work out for him in this book! :D (-1)

-Okay, in the first chapter where we are introduced to his parents had me dying, I'm sorry. His dad supposedly "hates" him. Apparently, calling your son "son" means you love him, and "boy" means you hate him. Maybe he just forgot his name? Why is he so sensitive?? The reader (I guess) is supposed to feel bad for him, but I'm really just holding back laughter at the scene. I'm from the Caribbean and my mum always calls me and my sisters "you" or "girl," if Silus doesn't sit his hurt ass down...

-Also, Silus has got some weird incest vibes going on...

-His weird self deadass got mad at seeing his dad being loved up with his mom? Anyway, maybe it's just because I don't like him, but it would be much better if you show some sense of tension or insert a brief backstory. It would make sense on why he wants to run away, and why he and his dad's relationship is strained. You know, besides him being a cliché teenager who wants "freedom."

-Someone please shoot me. (-1)

Dialogue:

-Welp, I now know you're English or at least British.

-You have some errors after the dialogue tags, but I feel that fits more in grammar/punctuation.

-My knowledge of English grammar and the way you guys write things is limited. So, if I get anything wrong...you can drag me.

*Holds breath*

-Okay, I'm kind of confused because you aren't sticking to one way to type out your dialogue. It was first '...' then it was "..."

-Choose one, dammit! (-1)

-This error really frustrated me. In my eyes, it's a mess, but I don't know if it's just you guys in the UK who are fucking with people. Whatever it is, I don't like it. (-3)

Excerpt: 'I see.' he said as he calmly pushed the plate to one side, 'And why would you want to do that?'

*Itches*

-Here's the suggestion/correction: 'I see,' he said as he calmly pushed the plate to one side. 'And why would you want that?'

-You do this quite frequently throughout the Prologue, and there is just a bunch of problems with the dialogue punctuation. I'm not pointing out every single one, so please for the love of god, edit it. My eye is twitching from all of them.

-Also, I want the itching to stop. (-5)

Inconsistencies:

-This isn't an inconsistency, but I'm adding it anyway. The food their eating sounds gross. Maybe it's because I'm imaging it as British food, which is trash in my opinion. (-2)

-If any British people come for me for this, I swear...

*NeNe Simone voice* I said, what I said!

-Of Fire and Blood (OFB) guy is so fucking extra, please, someone tell him to chill. I was kind of underwhelmed by him killing that dude. I either thought Silus' weak self was going to jump in, murderer dude was going to catch Silus peeping, or he was going to do a lot more damage on the guy. I don't know, was I expecting a caved in skull? I'm not so sure.

(I sound really sick, I promise I'm not fucked up! The dude didn't live up to his description is all?)

*Coughs*

Writing Style:

-Although, you aren't the first person I've reviewed that has written first person properly, I'm still impressed. You have executed it almost to perfection. Thank you for blessing me!

-You also seem to break scenes and jump to the next one quite a lot. It isn't smooth either, and it just ends when it could have easily transitioned into the next scene without doing so. (-2)

Likes/Dislikes:

-I love your writing style and your use of descriptions. I can picture all of it vividly, so thank you. You're evidently a good writer, but you need assistance in other departments.

-The main character is a punk!

-Your prologue is too long. It's like you want to fit in a bunch of things you thought are relevant, but it just made it drag on...weirdly. Plus, all of the scene breaks make it a little less unenjoyable.

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

-Okay, you have some run-on sentences.

-This sentence should end after "the roast potato." Here is the excerpt:

[...] he asked as he used his fork to mash the roast potato, the steaming plate of meat and potatoes caused a rumbling in my stomach and the carve beef almost sent me into a drooling frenzy as I silently cursed myself yet again,

For some bizarre reason you didn't end that run-on sentence there and added a thought in the next line? I don't know if that's a British thing (pretty sure it isn't though), but that looks wrong as hell. Anyway, please correct that. (-2)

-Excerpt: I knew the path well, years of playing catch with Tamara had burned them into my memory; which to take to avoid the guard, which led to the taverns food cellar and which led nowhere.

-I don't know what kind of English that is, but please get it together. You said "which" three times in one sentence.

-If you loved yourself: The passageways were burned into my memory after years of playing catch with Tamara. I knew which ones to take to avoid the guards, multiple pathways that led to the tavern's food cellar, and ones that led to nowhere.

-I finally, got through the long-winded prologue. Note to everyone: do not make prologues long. They're just supposed to either set the grounds for the story, show something that had happened before, or show something that will happen in the future. This was a bit long for one, maybe it's because I'm writing a review, but still. (-1)

-Okay, but seriously, the amount of times you used a comma instead of a period was sickening. I may actually sue you. (-1)

Where you need to improve:

-You need to learn how to transition into scenes without breaking the scene multiple times. Don't get me wrong, breaking scenes using "~~~,  ***, etc." isn't a big deal. Problem is that you just do it too many times in one chapter, and it's hard for the reader to really immerse themselves in a scene before you jump to another one. It isn't flowing how you want it to.

-Basically, learn how to stop using "***, ~~~" as crutches. Use transitional sentences instead to segway into the next scene.

-Learn how to end your sentences, so please relax and stop talking. Periods are a great thing. Also, keep in mind that commas aren't periods.

-I don't know if your finger is just slipping on the wrong key repeatedly, but you need to work on proper dialogue punctuation and tags. Overall, you really need to Google how to write proper dialogue, even though your dialogue's content is natural, the tags and the format is something you're struggling with. It is kind of hard to follow at times because of it.

-You aren't using semicolons properly. (-1)

-Creating characters that can be taken seriously. If this was a comedy I would congratulate you, but it isn't. There is something wrong.

-Italicizing all of Silus' thoughts.

Why/When I stopped reading: You ran out of points in the middle of chapter one, which is good since the prologue was pretty long. I did read all of chapter one.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get............................

*Drum rolls*

DUST BUNNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT HAS THE WORD "BUNNY" IN IT SO IT'S SORT OF BETTER!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm kind of upset about this one. I was sure this was going to get gummy bears once I read the Journal Entry portion of the prologue, but there were so many punctuation and dialogue errors following it, and Silus being a shit really turned me off. Your main character doesn't have to be likable, just likable enough, and for me, I'd fight him so quick if I had the chance. The biggest deal with you is that you need a fucking editor, and you need one now. If you can't find one, turn yourself into an editor, and ask for a bunch of different people's critiques to help you out too. You have an interesting story on your hands, so don't litter it with ridiculous mistakes.

Adieu!