Word Count: 3110

Title: Mine

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Blurb:

Kidnappings and missing cases had emerged in a small town, namely, Kingstown. Young women have disappeared left and right. The police has been on a desperate search for the abducted girls and leads to a possible suspect. The people of the town had linked the kidnappings and missing cases for the strong likeness of victims. This may be the worst crime that ever shook the once merry town.

Gabi Dankworth was on her way back from work when a threatening obstacle came her way. She wouldn't let this halt her, anyway. She wasn't perceived to be reckless for nothing.

Wendy Grey is an actor on her break; visiting Kingstown to see her family and friends. One of the first news she hears is an unanticipated discovery.

Status: Completed

~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: Imma be real with you fam, this looks like the run-of-the-mill teen romance drama that's filled with angst. It's a no for me dawg. (-3)

Title: Y'all know how I feel about one-worded titles: they do nothing for me and neither does this one. (-2)

Blurb:

-Excerpt#1: Kidnappings and missing cases had emerged in a small town, namely, Kingstown.

-Excerpt#2: She wouldn't let this halt her, anyway.

-They can't only be bothering me, right? The author needs to reword them.

-So, uh, the way this summary is reading reminds me of late 1990s/early 2000s Disney Channel when they would play promos for their original movies with the narrator-movie guy telling us every single plot point because, understandably, we were all idiots. However, this clearly doesn't work here, well...because this is meant to be the summary for a book. *Leans in* that's not what those were for.

-Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying this thoroughly, but I don't think it's the type of enjoyment the author anticipated as a first impression. It's just that every sentence comes off like it is trying to impress me; no joke; I've reached this conclusion only because the way it pauses for Dramatic Effect after every punctuation.

-The way the two main characters are introduced is, to put it lightly, grotesque. They are literally tacked on at the end because it looks like the author forgot until someone mentioned that they should be added. If that is the case, it shows, if it isn't then I suggest introducing them earlier on instead of yabbering on the "blah blah" fog, "blah blah" disappearances, and the "blah blah" stale tea of this town. That, or interweaving the intro for the MCs and setting could work as well.

-The tone is off in large parts of this because I can't tell if I should be laughing at the melodramatic wording to everything as it could be playing off of itself for...satirical reasons? Or maybe that it's trying to prepare the reader for a Riverdale/13 Reasons Why spoof or a serious attempt at a spinoff of the two? Can't really tell and that's the problem, also, so are the tenses-fix it, please.

-All in all, this summary is a bag full of questionable mess.

(-7)

Plot: Mysterious disappearances. Teens, I think? Somebody probably fucks someone else. Take that in a sexual or murder-y way, I don't care. Anyway, I hope this is set in Chicago for a very specific reason. *Winks*

Opening thoughts:

-Opening line: It was the day I was finally visiting my hometown to see my family and friends.

-That is a weak opener sis. It just restated what the summary basically said, and no one even cared then. What did the author expect the second time? For example, since our main character (?), Wendy, is alone in this scene start off with the character actually doing something and focus in on it. An opening like that tells the readers about the MC without actually being told anything directly, but by getting a glimpse of how she experiences and perceives the world around her.

-The first paragraph of this book has the word "town" or words that include "town" in them mentioned a number of four times. What a number, ha. *Yanks off the imaginary goatee I wish I had*

-Anyway, the entirety of chapter one is a heaping sack of time wasted and accomplishes nothing except arise one question that I applaud in the "likes/dislikes" section (that may or may have been entirely subjective and not incidental). A reader can literally skip this chapter and still get the gist of what is going on in the story. Y'all missed nothing, and that is SAD! An opening chapter must DO something to engage the reader with a character, a setting, an emotion, a plot point, or a conflict, child-something, anything! All I know is that she use to be in a toxic relationship in high school and no one wants to tell her about anything! Who the fuck decided this?!

(-5)

Overview of the Characters:

-Wendy Grey, a wannabe actor who moved out from her small town in pursuit of her career only to return to her home. It's a basic premise that can either crumble beneath its lackluster foundation OR make for a compelling base for a character to pull, grow, or dispel further into with the "right" plot points.

-However, from what the author is giving us to grapple onto is that Ms. Wendy is a former popular girl, guys found her attractive due to public opinion (?), she still has "a lot" of friends from high school due to this (can be concerning depending on her age, but I'll try to refrain from judging too hard) even though she doesn't remember their physical appearances or personalities? -Serious question: does social networking sites not exist in this book? What about phones? How is that even possible? -Plus, she's mixed race and thinks people are envious of her golden...skin, and she pits her entire acting career on her indecisive good looks because "we love a vapid queen !"

-Dear god. That's kinda sad though, am I right? Sure, that's the case for some people but what's more disturbing about this blatant exposition is that Wendy kind of puts it out there in an almost braggadocios type of way? She doesn't think of this information in any type of critical manner that tries to question or perhaps even address the underlying issue within society where appearance is valued because socially we accept and trust beautiful faces, but merely just states her experience and exemplifies it as redeemable-qualities that are set up to be interesting to the readers? Interesting enough to be listed off like that, right?

-What the fuck. Who is gonna tell her... *Looks around*

-Anyway, on the bright side, this might be setting up a possible character arc? Who knows! #ThinkingPositively2018

-Gabi Dankworth. This person is never mentioned. RIP.

-Adam, Wendy's ex boyfriend who is a stereotypical mess. Couldn't be more of a mess and I can't say I care. Not that I can't empathize or at least sympathize with his struggles, his role as a whole bothers me. His entire function screams of "audience manipulator" to me.

Dialogue:

-Garbage.

-I'm just kidding, haha.

-I haven't come across any dialogue and I'm at the three-minute mark. Come back to me.

-Update: "Oh, yeah, let me grab my sandwich made especially by my cute brothers."

-I'm highlighting that sentence above because I'm conflicted with it. So, I found out that Wendy and, I'm assuming, the rest of her family are half-Filipino. Now I have a culture that probably has different cultural norms that may or may not explain away issues I had before and the reason why the dialogue isn't in perfect English, butt-there is always a butt-I have remained undecided on this. At least for now.

-I've read worse dialogue so I'll be lenient here and not take points off since other areas have raised higher concerns. *Stares into the camera, The Office-style*

Grammar/Structural issues:

-Already I notice there is a far too liberal use of semicolons even though it is evident that the author doesn't know the actual use for them. Guys, it's okay to not use semicolons. A period works just as fine and no one gets hurt. Really, they're only a less abrasive ways to tell the reader that the author understands grammar or that their editor did us all a favor. It's a grammar flex. Just Google how to properly use it man and practice. Cause...right now, I'm not looking so good.

-Moving on, this also...this happened: I had always been used to my cosy and slow-paced town that is Kingstown.

-That entire sentences oozes "nonhuman". Is this intentional? Is that what this is?

*Inhales deeply*

-Okay, I've come to terms that the author's grammar is just plain bad and that they are in need of an editor. I'm just not doing it to myself. Nope.

(-5)

-Update: I don't think the author's first language is English.

(+2)

-I'm not doing this out of guilt, but because of the section below. *Buckles up*

Inconsistencies:

-Excerpt: I was out all day the day before, preparing for my visit; buying my little brothers chocolates, toys, and more, and my mother some relaxation products because she definitely needs them.

-This probably annoys me more than it should, BUT: I think if it is mentioned that a character buys relaxation products for a specific person, the audience can conclude that the character's assessment on that person is that they...aren't relaxed? Is this not fair?

-Something else that rubbed me as off key is the poorly-handled reason why the MC isn't told about the "terrible happenings" that their hometown is coming down with because IN REALITY the author just wants to hog the reveal to the character for some maybe plot-point or to make this some "anticipated moment" for the reader.

-I can handle that; I'm a fully-grown bean ready to be boiled. It's the fact that the writer goes with the excuse that Wendy's mum doesn't want to "distress" her, and Wendy herself is fine with this poop because in part: she is probably a moron, and secondly, because she probably just doesn't care. And, again-sure, I can accept that too. BUT! But what really grinds my fucking gears is that her YOUNGEST brother offered to give her the information and he KNOWS about the "terrible happenings" but somehow, SOME HOW, her mother allowed him to know but not her grown daughter who is old enough to move out of town?

-Is there a cultural difference here that I'm not catching a whiff of here? Like, I could give this the benefit of the doubt and guess these people are from a prairie and grow tomatoes or some shit, but there hasn't been any clues to do this that can make me even infer this beforehand. This needs to be addressed more clearly if that is the case, and if it isn't, it should be the reason why these characters would understandably interact like this.

-Update: now that I also know that Wendy's mum is known as the town's "Asian sweetheart", I know that they are the minority here and since Wendy herself is born in Kingstown I'd think that it would have been enough time for assimilation to take its place and the cultural norms they once may have had would have grown to be much weaker in the face of the dominant ones. Personally, my mom who has been an America citizen/resident for almost twenty-years has lost and retained a lot of her original cultural traditions/beliefs in that time. Therefore, the defense for a cultural difference just got a little weaker, but the audience still does not know where exactly is Kingstown. My guess is that it is in America, but truthfully, anything can be anything. This uncertainty is getting obnoxious.

-Another Update: Okay, I think I've settled for the geographical location of this fucking town to be somewhere near New York, as in the state since Wendy keeps referring to her move to the "city" and I now know she moved to NY. The rat must have lived near there because nobody refers to NY as "the city" unless you live relatively close. Is this a fair guess or am I reaching? Anyway, I feel like Carrie from Homeland trying to figure all of this out.

-This Wendy character is at it again: why are chocolates such a reliable bribery tool for Wendy's brothers if they are old enough to be "handsome" for possible romantic partners? That seems a bit mature to me? How old are these guys? Six? Ten? Thirteen? Twenty-two? Why do they love chocolates so much that they may or may not be willing to out their own selves out the closet in return for it according to Wendy? What is the odd story behind this for Wendy's conclusion? *Rubs temples*

-Update: They are babies. I'm kidding; they are ten and nine. I sort of feel like boo-boo the fool for taking that sentence far too seriously, but, a justified one since that sarcasm that intentionally is the blame here is horrible! Get it together!

-No, but really, do phones not exist in this world? Why are her brothers and her mum acting as if they haven't heard from her or known what she has been doing in the past three years of her absence besides that she left for acting? Or did she just have a falling out with them that's never mentioned?

-One last question that just popped into my mind: if the MC is Wendy, and she is at most half-Filipina, and everyone sees her as this "golden-skinned" person, who the hell is this pale white girl on the book cover? Is she one of the missing girls, or? That's still a weird choice for a cover though since they clearly aren't the main focus on the story, but any who!

-I'm only on chapter one.

(-10)

Likes/Dislikes:

-I find it interesting that Wendy thinks to herself that she hopes that her family isn't "involved in any way" with the aforementioned mysterious events that are affecting the town. It brings an unexpected layer to her family's now questionable history, and makes me as a reader want to see what she means by that. Good job with that discreet information.

-There can be some interesting possible character arcs hidden here.

-The prose improves in chapter two.

-I appreciate the effort in trying to give the audience some background into why Wendy would want to help Adam, despite their history. It does tie into the plot well enough, but it could have been dispersed better though.

-The fetishization/exotification of mixed race people displayed here is at best troubling and at worst ridiculously racist. If the author is writing this from their own viewpoints they need to go do some research on topics (colorism included) regarding this to educate their self to avoid backlash and possibly alienating their audience through misrepresentation and irresponsible ignorance. However, this can be the case of poor execution. If these beliefs solely belong to the character or characters in the story alone there should be elements, or other characters, in the story that serve partially to push this character to unlearn this type of thinking or challenge their presumption so the story doesn't get lost into the realm of "unclear subtext". Obviously, doing this would have to work into the overall mystery shrouding Kingstown. It is definitely possible.

-If you are going to highlight your character's race/racial background, please do it right, and it should play into the way the world interacts with them and vice versa. Unless, if we're dealing about high-fantasy or sci-fi where social dogmas or systems may have changed from what the readers are formally accustomed to. However, that's just my two cents; the author can do their own research on the matter and come to their own assessment on what they want to do/achieve here.

-The way that the actual main plot of the story is taking a backseat to all of these uninteresting subplots for "a-day-in-the-every-day-life" walkthrough scenes is disappointing. This build up for the mere introduction of the mystery is only going to prove to be a monster for the author when they realize that it really has to convince the readers that it's indeed that great to have been waited for- if it isn't, and if by that point the readers still care, they will abandon ship because the ship never became a ship. In reality, it's just a bunch of dusty wooden boards waiting to be made into something. In more simpler terms: The longer an author sits out introducing the conflict (especially to a mystery), or any real conflict at that matter, the more likely the audience will dump their scrubby-storyteller for one who respects their goTdamn time!

-Get an editor because it affects reader enjoyment, flow, and extends the lifespan of a chapter.

-Pick up the pace.

-I've ran out of points to take off so I can't do the most at the end of this. *Pouts*

My Takeaway:

-Ayo, directly speaking to author: Do not use the "corrections" the people giving you grammar advice in the comments have provided. They are only giving you more work that you'll end up having to take on during revisions (assuming that the author keeps with the idea because ideas and stories come and go)- I learned this the hard way. Some of those edits are worse than the original. Yikes. The way to avoid getting misinformation on grammar is to read up on grammar on your own time so that you can have productive discussions with the people, I assume, you've asked for assistance from.

-Sis, start the fucking story because I'm bored, nothing much has happened, and I'm confused.

Why/When I stopped reading: I stopped reading at the end of chapter two out of mere curiosity but all of the points ran out towards the end of chapter one. (BTW: I wrote this in four hours, I'm back y'all!)

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get....................................

*Drum roll*

"Mystery FLOUR: The Best Banana Bread Recipe"! (Folks, please get rid of me! Now!)

-I didn't hate everything I read and I did see some potential that can make for a possible intriguing mystery with something to say, or I'm seeing whatever I want to see. Boop!