Word Count: 3033

Title: Leaving THE FOREVER 

Genre: Teen Fiction

Blurb: "Life is a one time offer, use it well."

Nope. Doesn't work for me that way. Wish, it could.

Mark Geller is a seventeen year old teenager with perfect grades, perfect life plans, perfect home, perfect family and a perfect best friend. Just like, we all want our life in this real world, but it is said "Everything seems perfect until it's done, right?"

His life brings you to a new world where everything is just a matter of choices which, changes things to whole new level.

"They say its from B to D, from birth to death but what's between B and D? It's C, so what is C? IT IS A CHOICE. Life is a matter of choices and it is damn important to have fun till the time you can." Jean said with a wide grin across her.

CHOICES, it was choices that mattered the most she said and I messed up mine.

I was like a puzzle which was shattered into pieces. She was a big part of it that could always fit in, but never completed the picture.

Status: Ongoing

~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: The font could be way better, but the cover isn't appalling (even if it's hardly trying), I've for sure seen worse, and it fits the genre and its intentioned audience... so? No points lost? *Shrugs*

Title: The all caps for the last two words seem like I'm being screamed at and comes off a bit unnecessary, but I get that it's suppose to be an emphasis on the last two words... perhaps it's a place? In that case that could be interesting. Huh, I don't hate it.

Blurb:

-I'm really mad because I began this review like two weeks ago on Word but I guess I never saved it and I lost what I originally said for this so wah, kind of pissed. *Crosses arms*

-Here comes a bootleg and more frustrated version of that!

-*UPDATE* Since I'm going to rant about this longer than I expected, here's a shorter reason/preamble why this is probably the worst summary I've ever laid my eyes on: there is no natural flow, I read this on more than one occasion, there are two unnecessary excerpts(?) that achieve absolutely NOTHING (not an exaggeration), this thing kind of flows as if it's a freewrite and hardly anything connects together (and if it does it's super flimsy) there is no conflict, the author's intent for everything here is ambiguous and BOY is that a problem. I feel like I'm watching the author run out of ideas as I read this and it's so painful, the backstory for the MC is useless and the other character mentioned here isn't even introduced...she just kind of pops up like a weasel to say some nonsensical balderdash and then fucks off, there's an attempt at inserting some philosophical mombo jombo but it remains as such and therefore does nothing to improve the reader's experience. The grammar is poor, there is not one (not even two man, the author is merciless ha ha) but THREE POV switches, and the summary just ends? It just ends. No hook or anything that pushes you to want to read the thing. Nadda. *END OF UPDATE* 

-Already the blurb starts off weird. I'm not sure if it's suppose to be an excerpt, or if the main character is commenting on a quote they've read before but for some reason they're doing it IN their own blurb--which is ??? It's strange. It's for sure strange. Hey, I'm not even sure if the author doesn't know what's going on either or if they fully grasp what constitutes as a blurb at this point and I'm on line two. The next sentence definitely suggests so. 

-I'm going to break my confusion down...all the way down to be exact because I really *awkwardly chuckles* wanna wrap my head around this one folks, bare with me. It's gnawing at me. One, the first two lines of the summary lack a thing called "sense". I'm not really sure what the response to the quote(?) is even saying? Is it saying that whoever-is-speaking's story breaks from the fold and gets a second chance at life? Is it saying that what happens to them is some Groundhog Day ripoff? Why does the author choose to word it this way? Why aren't they using ANY subjects in this response's sentences?-- It's fucking confusing!

-Two, we're given a bland summation of the main character's life prior to the event that brings us to this book's commencement and YES, I'm underwhelmed, but that is the least of my worries because my confusion still hasn't let up. I'm confused because of the odd projection that's shoved upon us readers with this jarring sentence that implies that we all desire "perfection" in our lives (which, intellectually, perfection is more based on perception and gets ridiculous to even worry about at a certain point imo) and AGAIN doesn't make any damn sense: {Just like, we all want our life in this real world, but it is said "Everything seems perfect until it's done, right?"}

*Blinks away tears*

- I-i think that question is meant to say "in hindsight", right? The grammar is so wonky that whatever the author tries to get across here falls on deaf's ears. It's atrocious.

-The following sentence is even more vague and just...stupid, it's fucking *demonic voice* S T U P I D guys! I can't get anymore direct than that y'all. I've never read anything more vague than that sentence in a blurb. Ever. It says nothing of note, then to finish us off it shits on our chest like this is some 2007 porno with a SECOND excerpt. This "Jean" person is never priorly introduced as a character in this summary but we're somehow suppose to accept her random words of...of knowledge? Is that what that's suppose to be? Because I have no idea what is happening at this point and I'm TIRED y'all. This is my second time ripping this blurb apart and I can't do it anymore!! I'm about to break!!!

*Screeches in infinite pitches of pain*  

(-15)

-YES! I'm serious, this is what it deserves.

Plot: Life is a trail mix of choices that our ancestor choices gave our choices today to pave the way for the generational choices that will choice their way to their own choices, and continue to give and get their choices from the old and new choices that make their choices for them, so the choices can grow into a garden of choices that their children will pick from (the ripe ones are the best!), so their choices can be more informed of the choices that aren't very well thought out choices... of choice. 

*Snaps fingers repeatedly*

Opening thoughts:

-Excerpt: I stood still, waiting for something to happen.

-The opening line is sorta promising, a little vague-- yes, but there's enough there to make the readers feel some of the apprehension or expectation that the narrator/main character is feeling. However, the next sentences brings us back down from this expectation, at least me for that matter, with a jarring grammatical error. I shouldn't be suprised based off what the blurb gives me, but STILL. At least try to keep the opening paragraph (I'd say chapter, really, but I'll be nice... I guess if that's what you want to call it) spotless from errors people. Proofread anything that is going to be the reader's first impression of your book. Trust me, it won't be a regret. 

-Anyway, I'm going to rip this off like a wet bandaid on a new wound: chapter one is weak and comes off like a prologue and chapter two is much worse. All chapter two does is tell me that I can't wait for these two characters death. Yeah I said it.  

Overview of the Characters:

-Mark Geller, our main character and the narrator to this story that unfortunately happens to be the kind of person who calls their significant other or best friend (both, I think?) "Phantom Queen" and "psynoxious" (the combination of psycho + obnoxious because ha-ha-ha BANTER and CHARM!) with no hint of irony, self awareness, or anything that could possibly save them from the crushing weight of their own "cleverness". Anyway, I'm hoping that he suffers from an eternity of night terrors.

-Jeanette Curdy. Just kidding ha ha. I do not know her last name though. Anyway, she is Mark's secret true love or something of the sort and apparently is loaded and can afford a "BMW K 1300S" as an early birthday present for him? Um. Um. I don't know? John Green is probably her favorite author too-- which is fine. *Stares directly into the camera*

-Update: I actually guessed that correctly. *Widens eyes*

-These characters are insufferable and so is there nausea inducing romantic/sexual tension. 

Dialogue:

-Excerpt: All this commotion was broken by a high, booming voice which said "I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Geller, Mark is in a very bad condition and we are afraid he might enter the state of coma."

-First of all, why is the doctor screaming in an aggressive and forceful way? That's not how they are suppose to address patients or their family because emotionally stressful situations do not require a hollering idiot delivering bad news. Two, there's no indication that anyone in the room is talking so loudly that would even negate the doctor to raise their voice that much as the diction suggests so. Therefore it's even more strange, and slightly comical, imagining this nitwit entering the room and shouting this into everyone's assholes.

-Excerpt: "Mark we are getting late as it's your lucky day take these keys and head towards 'Gulf Islands National Seashore'".

-This screams of something you'd read off of an "ages eight through twelve" game tutorial. 

-Overall, from what I read the dialogue is too expositional, doesn't flow like human talk, cringe to hell and back, and gets too ahead of itself 99.9% of the time. 

-One trick to understanding how to properly write realistic dialogue (even if English isn't the author's first language or they aren't great at grammar) is to search up scripts of movies or television shows. Don't go running around stealing other writer's words or distinct style, but it does help with learning how to keep a natural conversational flow.  

(-3)

Grammar/Structural issues:

-There's an unappealing, choppy flow to every sentence and it's annoying.

-If you're going to use ellipses (...) only use them in threes yo. No need for ten of them in one sentence, especially since they are unnecessary most of the time and commas work better.  

-Really, just get a copyeditor.

Inconsistencies:

-Excerpt: But Jean kept on squeezing my arm making me realize she was there, waiting. Waiting patiently.

-I don't know if I wan't to sigh or laugh but these two sentences' tone are incredibly out of place and confused from everything else in this chapter that they accidentally turn this into a stalker thriller. I guess I'll do both. Yay.

-The first time I read this the scene read as if the narrator is either high as shit, or cast in some void where images and disembodied voices/limbs emerge from the darkness to say and do doohickies. There's an immense white room syndrome effecting this scene that needs to be acknowledged and fixed. It only improves on second reading because I already figure out where Mark is during my initial read.

-Spoiler alert because there's no way to get around not saying this without sounding like I'm talking about anything and nothing, but Jeanette is a ghost and it's only cued to us in this whiplash-like of a reveal at the end of chapter one...and it's not done well. At all. Of course it's suppose to be a cliffhanger, but since I am not impressed by anything that has been presented to me as of yet it can, y'know, go choke. 

-Specifically, what makes it so putrid is that it thinks that this huge twist it leaves the readers with is deserved, clever, unexpected, and practically screams spittle on our faces while saying: "gOt YoU!!1" In every sense of the way it is laughably obnoxious, but I'm not laughing at it really, a smirk hasn't even crossed my face. It just seems like the right way to describe it. I'm just bored and mildly dumbfounded at its abrasiveness.

-Excerpt: ["You know what, true love is like a ghost, which everyone talks about and few have seen," she said with a wink closing her book.

"So have you seen?" I asked, she looked at me with a smile and answered "I will".]

-I don't *sighs* I do not understand what is being said. Is Jeanette Curdy trying to tell us that she is a fucking ghost that has duped Mark into believing she is an alive human with working organs and shit OR is she trying to hint that she loves Mark and wants him in her alive guts OR is this her foreshadowing to her inevitable death since she is a mortal being and will soon get to have an "adventure!!1" in the realm of the dead? Who fucking knows, find out on "Guess What Is Happening Right Now: Do You Know? Do We Know? This Show Never Gives Clarity!" 

(-5)

Likes/Dislikes:

-Excerpt: My eyes went back to Jeanette when all of them shouted at once "Mark!"

-My favorite moment of chapter one. I enjoyed that very much. So neat and effective. *Grins*

-I've read worse.

-The author does manage to establish two character arcs based on how their actions and choices led them to the moment we begin at in chapter one. It's a clear starting point, albeit a bit weak, but it is there.

-Even though I hate chapter one, it does push the story forward.

-Chapter two on the other hand feels like the plot is in a painful standstill, but the flow of the scenes suffer from a short attention span. The mix is unpleasant and isn't intentional.

-So far, the plot reminds me of If I stay x2. I didn't ask for that but okay.

-That "blurb" happened.

-For me, chapter one needs to be rewritten entirely. The execution fails in crucial areas (e.g. the dialogue, the subtext) and I can't forgive it. I won't.

-The way that chapter one ends is so underwhelming and embarrassing that I feel bad for outwardly frowning at it. 

-Also, I'm guessing the big reveal is suppose to be...I don't know, confusing to the reader? But it isn't at all? It's common sense and it took me ten seconds of tired blinking to understand what the writer did and what Jeanette is. In order for this twist to pack the punch that the plot and scene needs, I suggest dropping hints throughout the prose that can make this twist more believable. For example, showing subtle descriptions like how Jeanette interacts with other people and things (and vice versa) other than Mark, the way the light in the room can possibly make her look or how it accentuates things he did not notice before, making it clear if Mark realizes this fact the moment it is revealed to the audience (and if he doesn't then there really shouldn't be a reason why it's only mentioned at the end and pushes more so the need for this chapter's rewrite), focusing more on how she feels or/and what she's wearing, even Mark's past memories that may come out unclear in the moment can help this.  

-This reads as a lightweight version of the tele-novellas that I use to watch at age ten when the cable got cut and I ended up gawking at it for an hour too long. I'm not half as invested though.

-Everything seems unnecessarily forced and I'm guessing it has to do with the rushed pacing. Calm down and stay in one scene for longer than two minutes. The author needs to remember that scenes are what organizes a chapter and makes information easier to get across to the reader, and if said scenes are weak than so is everything else that's suppose to be getting delivered in them. The author should outline where they want each chapter to go/achieve beforehand if they see that their chapters aren't up to par. 

-Consequently, it seems like the dialogue itself chugged a Monster Energy drink and is awkwardly zapping all over the place trying to force as much foreshadowing, inside jokes, and an unrealistic image of perfection between these two characters (instead all I'm getting from them is that they're possibly drugged robots). Everything about the dialogue makes me want to retreat into a hole. 

-An editor needs to be hired because the grammar gets bad enough that I can't decipher what is being said. 

*Slightly horrified voice from the back of my room shouts* 

"Someone call an editor!"

-Ah! What the fuck? Um, yah...what they said. 

(-7)

My Takeaway:

-The obvious themes in this book (e.g. choice, life, death, regret) are too heavy-handed and try too hard in their need for importance, consequently, landing into unintentionally comical territory. Once the author gets a good grasp on how to reel back their subtext and actually show the reader a story rather a page full with concepts they find intriguing, then they can tackle the challenge of constructing a story with a strong plot, realistic characters, and appropriate conflict. My advice is to go back to the drawing board, read up on constructing proper scenes (via online articles, Wattpad, libraries, published books, movies and television), and learning how to outline a coherent story because I can hardly see one in what I read.

Why/When I stopped reading: I stopped reading at the end of chapter one (them points ran away) and gave chapter two a shot. It didn't fair any better. 

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get..............................

*Drum rolls*

A dusty path covered in dusty choices yo.