UPDATE: The author has changed the cover since the review.

Word Count: 1517

Title: Hayden

Genre: Vampire

Blurb: Sick of the stories and superstitions of her hometown, Anne decides to put an end to them once and for all. With a midnight trip to Greenbay's Cemetery, and the reading of a spell, she proves herself right. Or so she thinks. 

When she meets a man claiming to be a vampire, the myth starts to seem a little less crazy. Faced with death, she strikes up a deal. A deal that he intends to hold her to, for better, or worse.

*~*

"Though we-I, am called a variety of names, not necessarily flattering," his eyes flickered, "I prefer to be called a-"

"Vampire," I breathed out.

He slightly tilted his head to one side, raising an eyebrow.

"You're smart," he commented, and took a step towards me.

"And stubborn," he continued in that deep voice of his, taking another step, bringing himself just a foot away from me.

"And in danger," he finished, closing the distance between us.

Status: Ongoing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: Since this is a teen fiction, I do think the cover is fitting. I don't necessarily like it, but I think it's attracting the people who are interested in this genre. Though, I do think the line covering his eyes should have been red like the blood splattered behind him. The black seems a bit random. No points lost nonetheless.

Title: I'm not a fan of books/movies being titled after actual names. Unless it's a cool name like "Salt." Oops. (-2)

Summary: *Face palms*

-Okay, another two part summary...except this one has an excerpt that contains incorrect dialogue punctuation. Yikes.

-Girl, you cannot be serious. If you don't take that mess out.... (-5)

-The summary is fine, the excerpt destroyed my lady boner. Love yourself.

Plot: Anne doesn't believe in supernatural things, until one sexually harasses her...

Ba Dum Tss!

*Coughs*

Moving on.

Opening thoughts:

-I see a gif of that guy on tumblr who pretended he was a black guy, but forgot to click anon.

...

-Iconic. (-5)

-I just realized this is a high school based story....*curls up into a fetal position and sobs*

- So, already there is a run-on sentence trying to make me fight it. I'm getting so tired of this foolishness. End your sentences, please—please just do it.

*Holds on to you with tears in my eyes*

-I'm just trying to make it in a world without run-on sentences, and you guys clearly want me to fail. What did I do?!

-Here's the excerpt since I am such a legend:

"We were all required to wear Halloween costumes, hence I was adorning a long velvety gown while Lynn had worn a black and white reaching her thighs, and had painted her face so that it looked like spider webs."

-Lord (-5)

-Here's a suggestion:

"We were all required to wear Halloween costumes. I was adorning a long a long velvet gown, while Lynn had worn a black and white dress that reached mid-thigh. She had face paint scrawled across her face in the design of an intricate spider web."

-*Lady from The Simpsons voice* Think of the children!

Character:

-I don't like this Anne girl. She's annoying. She seems like the people who just whines at a party the entire time, and is always trying to ruin people's vibes. Also, her hobby is debunking shit just to be a troll. She reminds me of myself. Hopefully someone fights her, and she loses badly. That would be funny. (-2)

-In a way, this should be seen as a compliment since I cared to give an opinion on her. I'm attached to the character, even if I don't like her, so good for you! Too bad you're going to lose points anyway. None of them are likable.

-I really dislike when writers dump too much things about a character, and force feed the readers what they should think of said character. I have a mind of my own! Stop trying to convince me that Lynn isn't a snobby cheerleader because I still don't believe you!

-*Five-year old voice* I do what I want! (-1)

-Anyway, I don't have an opinion on Lynn yet, as of now she is lint in my mind.

-Oh my god, we have just been introduced to the "most popular" girl in their school, and of course the female protagonist hates her. It's the cliché girl versus girl narrative, and I'm gagging.

Dialogue:

-Crazy run-on sentences, and choppy ones as well. Here is one that particularly gave me a rash:

-Excerpt: "Listen, Ms. Gullible, there is no such thing as ghosts. Or spirits. Or dark creatures or whatever you call them. All I know that is a stupid myth created by a lazy guy who has nothing to do in life and just wanted to spend time on  a cozy hammock while counting the hair on his head!" I blabbered out, and smoothened my dark red velvet gown, with the cape trailing behind me by a few inches.

-This is a huge mess, and my head is kind of spinning from all of the errors. I know you're trying to show that the character is passionate in her disbelief in the supernatural, and she's kind of ranting and being a negative sally. That doesn't mean you should misuse commas, not use them at all, and basically throw proper punctuation out the window?! (-5)

*Breathes in deeply* Here is the correction/suggestion:

- "Listen Ms. Gullible, there is no such thing as ghosts, spirits, and dark creatures—or whatever you call them. All I know is that they are stupid myths created by lazy people who had nothing to do in their lives. They clearly spent all of their time on cosy hammocks while counting the hairs on their heads!" I huffed, smoothening my dark velvet gown. The cape, trailing behind me, fluttered in the cool breeze.

-It flows a lot better, and doesn't give everyone headaches.

-This seems to be an ongoing problem that you really need to drop. It's ugly, and you're going to scare rats—like myself—away.

Inconsistencies (if any):

- Are they really this bored? Aren't they at a party? Who the fuck talks about myths at a party? Can they shut up, and move on already?! You're boring the audience! (-1)

-The word "apparently" and "possibly" should be never or loosely used in narrations (in my opinion). All it does is make the narrator look like an idiot that isn't even sure about what they're narrating. How am I supposed to take something/someone seriously when they're just as confused as I am? In summary, try not use it when narrating. (-1)

-This isn't even a stereotypical high school story...the characters seem to be painted as "wild" middle schoolers, and the image of Kidz Bop kids is disturbingly playing in my mind. These girls just challenged each other to go do some demon summoning mess, and I'm literally almost dead. I don't even think I should take a point off for that because it's kind of amusing....

-Sike, I'm taking points off. (-2)

Writing Style:

-You actually have a decent writing style. Your problem is that you put unnecessary words everywhere, and it's kind of annoying. I had that same problem.

-Also, putting parentheses—in your case—isn't needed. You could just replace them with a comma.

Likes/Dislikes:

-I don't like they spent so long talking about corny myths.

-The entire chapter was dedicated to clichés, boringness, and petty high school rivalries.

-Anne. Destroy her. Specifically with a piano or an anvil.

-You're an okay writer, you just need a lot of work in other areas.

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

-Excerpt: She all but screeched at me, and I barely covering up my ears.

??????

-I know, you know that made zero sense. Re-word it please. (-1)

Where you need to improve:

-Stop being extra. Placing random or unneeded words everywhere isn't a good look. Try not to make your story a tiresome read.

-Creating likable characters that aren't ridiculous clichés. At times I felt like I was reading a parody.

-Run-on sentences.

-Grammar is also an occasional, and noticeable issue. I suggest finding a loyal editor. Also, Google can become your new best friend.

Why/When I stopped reading: In the middle of Chapter One. You simply ran out of points. I tried reading further, but it's five in the morning right now. Also, I'm trying to make it to at least sixty five years of age.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get......................................................

*Drum rolls*

Dust!!!!!!

Okay, your story isn't putty (in my opinion). You should really focus on fixing your sentence structures, characters, and your story direction. Try to steer away from cliches (they aren't always horrible, but still) as much as you can. If you do that, I think you'll be fine. Right now, you still get dust though.

*Scampers into the night*