UPDATE: The author has changed the cover since the review.

Word Count: 1505

Title: Force Field Babe

Genre: Humor

Blurb: HOW A SIMPLE DIET COKE CHANGES FATE -- or, when Dustin Ortiz gains enough common sense to man up and face humiliation with dignity. Even if it involves powerful girls and scientifically-disproven.

Status: Ongoing

~~~~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: It's so cute! Really, even though it's just a really cute girl on a simple cover, I still like it. Since this is a humor novel, I think the light-hearted feel to it fits. No points off here.

Title: I don't really like it. Maybe because the word "babe" makes my skin crawl, and it is genuinely one of the ugliest words to exist. "C*unt" and "moist" are grouped in the ugly words list as well. (-1)

Summary: .......

I have no idea what this is supposed to be. I had to read it three times to even grasp a solid idea on what this story was even going to be about. The tags sort of helped, but I am still lost. This summary doesn't make me want to read on. Summaries should at least be a paragraph (five through seven sentences) long. Short ones only make people judge the book and your effort, and other turtles like myself. You can find help with summaries in the Improve Your Writing threads, or from myself. If I'm feeling up for it, of course. (-4)

Plot: Sexist dude gets his ass beat by female boxers?

*Future me is summoned* I was wrong as hell, but this isn't my fault. It's the writers.

Opening thoughts:

-Okay so the first chapter is an epigraph that really could have just been the summary... Also, this chapter's title should have been "Extended Summary" or simply "Why Don't I Love Myself" instead. The only thing on this chapter that is in fact an epigraph, is the quote. (-3)

-Y'all, Google what something is before putting it in your story. I have been guilty of doing this as well. It happens to the best of us.

-Okay, reading the summary that should be where the summary is placed, this story sounds pretty cute. So, you have quickly redeemed yourself from the letdown summary that is the first thing a reader sees, but you didn't redeem any points because that isn't a thing.

-I'm really mad because you wouldn't had lost any points on your title if the summary that you put in the epigraph chapter was the actual summary! Please love yourself man. I'm taking off points off because of how ridiculous that decision was. (-2)

-Your narration, in my opinion, is close to perfection. *Narrows eyes*

-Italicize Dustin's thoughts: Maybe, he hopes. (-1)

Character:

-I really love that you made your female lead Asian, and that she isn't a stereotypical depiction of an Asian girl. Thank you! *Eyes blurs with tears* I would give a point, but we all know that will never happen anywhere near this book.

-Moving on. *Wipes tears*

-Also, another bonus is that the male lead isn't a raging testosterone machine whose masculinity is fragile as shit! *Dances*

-I spoke too soon, there is an annoying bully that is overly violent. *Crowd boos*

-Okay, a bit of a character analysis from mwah: Dustin is broke as fuck. A geek that has a shitty self-esteem. Very extra. It is kind of coming off annoying, but still admirable. Has a crush on a girl who is, of course, out of his league. Reminds me a great deal of Gordo from Lizzie Maguire, which is great. He is Spanish. I would kind of dance for this, but that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't white. But at least he is from a different culture, so yay a diverse main cast!

-Little education for anyone who did not know this: Spanish means someone who lives in Spain. Which is predominantly a white country. Hispanic usually refers to someone who comes from a Spanish-speaking country, and therefore can be of any race. Also a quick fun fact is that the term was deemed an offensive slur at a point, it was sued to demean people who didn't speak Spain Spanish. Being Latino/a means that you come from/live in Latin America only. So yes, it does not include any Spanish speaking countries in the Caribbean. These are commonly misconstrued.

-*Reading rainbow voice* "The more you know."

Dialogue:

-Eh, it kind of got bumpy when Dustin was watching those two guys play fight. Separate it because I got confused while reading it. (-3)

-A piece of advice for everyone: Always separate your dialogue from the text, but not from the dialogue tag or action that follows after it. If you interrupt a dialogue with a dialogue tag or action, you don't have to separate it because the same person is still talking.

-Overall, you don't really have huge problems in this area.

Inconsistencies (if any):

-Why are super powers consistently being mentioned? Is this Dustin dude a huge geek that loves comics (can't blame him though) or is this a parody of super humans?? I'm a bit lost, you should make this clear for your readers from the get-go. I think this would had been clearer if you chose the correct summary to go in the front of the book. Do you see what wrong decisions do? (-5)

-Okay, after reading some more, this is definitely some super hero shit going on here. Or at least character(s) with powers. I'm here for it, but I won't take back the points.

Writing Style:

-I really do admire it. You have a great way with words and have the ability to make the reader feel like they're inside Dustin's head, without doing first person. There is nothing to drag you about in this department, good job!

*Holds back tears*

Likes/Dislikes:

-I'm kind of getting the feel that this book isn't really a "laugh out loud" kind of humor book. It's kind of more sarcastic...or maybe the right word is dry? The humor kind of just sits there... like sand. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though. Well, unless if this book was supposed to be a hysterical comedy, then you kind of failed. If not, I think it's tasteful.

-Still, I got mislead. (-4)

*Fart noise*

-You have a great balance between showing and telling. I almost want to give you a virtual hug.

-Very relatable characters.

-You actually did limited third person correctly, bravo!

-You should have chosen the right summary. You're possibly losing faithful readers that could have loved this.

-I don't like that there isn't much cons to this story...

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

Excerpt: Despite the sun having just begun to rise, [...]

-This read very awkwardly to me, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. Also, try not to use lazy words (e.g., nothing, only, best, just, stuff, things, went, got, very, all, + more) as much. The sentence can do without it. (-3)

Suggestion/Correction: Despite the sun beginning to rise, [...]

Excerpt/Correction: Also known as, a walk through the highways of hell.

-^ You don't need a colon, a comma would suffice. Also, I like the reference to the Bible. Made me smile at least.

-I wasn't going to comment on "Dustin's unwritten whatever-the-fuck," but it's really annoying me. Okay, for some reason you decided to throw all knowledge of punctuation and capitalization out the window. Just because you are listing things on a blatant, but imaginary list/guide doesn't make you exempt—nor would it ever, so please fix it. (-2)

-Also, when using a semicolon you do not uppercase the letter after it. A semicolon isn't a period. (-1)

Where you need to improve:

-Adding more substantial humor, if that is what you're going for. Because I didn't laugh once, not even an internal laugh man. (-1)

-I suggest editing your chapters again just to see if there are any errors that I didn't catch.

-That's it. *Pouts*

Why/When I stopped reading: You been ran out of points because where you saw points taken off (e.g., -3,-4) they were actually -5, oops. I had to go back and cute them down to add up to thirty, which I do a lot. Anyways, I'm not sure where you officially lost all of your points, since I was just taking points off and actually enjoying myself. But, I did stop reading right after the bully scene.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get............................................

*Drum rolls*

A GUMMY BEAR FROLICKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your story was really good, and all you need to do is edit. I got nothing else to say except to wish you good luck on the rest of your story!

I lied!!!

*Wheel of Fortune host voice* You get to be the first privileged person to be added into a BRAND NEW public reading list titled, "The Stars of BHR!"

You also get two votes, congratulations!!!!