Word Count: 1467

Title: Flare

Genre: Fantasy

Blurb: In a breathtaking world where mages and enchantresses walk the earth, Flare, a young fire mage, lives peacefully in the nation of Sarbor Akuot where many mages make their home. But when Flare's twin brother dies suddenly, she must travel all four corners of the earth to find one of the last living necromancers who can bring him back. A tale of love, adventure, and self-discovery, we see the world through Flare's upturned eyes as she meets people from all walks of life, visits unique and formidable towns, and encounters danger and beauty beyond belief.

Status: Ongoing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: It's very frilly, and pleasing to the eyes. I think it fits the genre. The only problem I have is that either your name/username isn't on it or it's too small to see. You should probably get that straighten out to make it look like a proper cover. Other than that, no points lost.

Title: Okay, at first I didn't think much of it. But, after reading the summary it is the main character's name and it also works well with her ability. It's simple and short, but I don't know...fantasies usually have long titles, or at least more creative ones. It's okay though, I'm pulling all of this out my ass, so don't mind my pickiness.

Summary: I can't find anything negative to say about it really.

*Sighs* It's doing its job. No points lost.

Plot: Flare is going on a philosophical adventure to complete a demonic summoning of the dead ritual that will destroy them all!

*Obnoxious screaming ensues*

I'm ready.

Opening thoughts:

-Correction: "[...]; usually summoning fire was an easy task for her."

-You said "particular" and its adverb all in one sentence.

*Slaps your hand* No! (-2)

-In the next sentence I don't know why you felt the need to add "fire mages" as if the reader doesn't know that already. You already said pyromancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah "not everyone knows what that means," but you already said that in the summary. It wasn't even long. How shitty do you think your readers' memories are?! (-2)

-From my somewhat knowledge in Nerdom, pyromancers are peeps who can tell the future by using fire. Educating the world a day at a time aren't we...

-Any who!

-"Satisfied" isn't necessary when she sets the wood on fire. We know she is. (-1)

-Good for you for indenting. It seems like most people on wattpad never listened to any of their English teachers. I'm judging all of you.

-Anyway, the descriptions of the landscape are excellent. I have a picture in my head and I sort of feel like I'm there. If you include smells, and the sounds it would be superb.

-I'm not one to complain about huge paragraphs but...a paragraph is five or seven sentences. Try not to go over that limit, you can though, but some of these extensive paragraphs can just be a new paragraph. It doesn't make me not want to read per say, but other pussies—I mean readers, might turn away. I'm referencing the particular one where you ramble about the different kind of mages. (-2)

Character:

-Flare seems to be on her own with only the company of an annoying cat, and are given brief details of her and her brother (who she's going on an adventure for a voodoo summoning). Yay, you didn't info-dump and didn't delve too much about it, so good for you. Though, it's still lacking. Anyway, I like Flare. Even though her intelligence doesn't go any farther from solving riddles, and going to the Ouija-board mages isn't the greatest idea, she seems like a wholesome chick that plays with fire. She's nothing too unappealing? She'll do for now, I suppose.

-Abby the cat needs to go. That never-ending name annoyed me so much, and it's a bit ridiculous. Relax. Also, the Abyssinian—or at least the type Abby is—is hideous. I'm imagining a skinny stray cat who got abused with toxic hair dye. (-3)

-And Flare likes this fluffy roach. *Shudders*

-Ardar, the Great Howler of nobody-gives-a-fuck is pretty interesting. The howlers look like vampire Yetis. I'm into it.

-The queen reminds me of the White Queen (ironic) from Alice in Wonderland. Her cheeriness is annoying, but that's just me. Cheery people make me uncomfortable. (-1)

Dialogue:

-Great job here! Nothing comes off awkward, and it flows with a nice fluidity.

-I hate riddles with a passion, and I felt dumb as rocks reading them. I didn't guess any of them right either. Fuck, Flare!

*throws a tantrum *

-I'm taking points off because I'm bitter. (-3)

Inconsistencies (if any):

-It's kind of strange that these Howlers are furry giant white apes, but they live in an environment with no light? Shouldn't their fur at least had adapted to their environment? Even though they seem to scare everyone off or eat people, that part didn't make sense to me. (-3)

-You described the queen having grey eyes? The face claim you provided shows she clearly has brown. The grey eyes part seemed really random and I kind of got thrown out of the story because of it. If you're going to provide a picture of certain characters, you should stick to making their descriptions accurate, or find someone who fits it better. That's always a must in my opinion. (-2)

Writing Style:

-You seem to use adverbs as a crutch in your writing, which is a red flag. There is many times throughout the dialogue you use adverbs to describe a character's expression or how they're doing something. Don't do that. Adverbs are hissing roaches that need to be exterminated at all costs. It makes your writing look unpleasing, and only makes the writer look lazy. (-5)

-Don't worry, I struggled with those pest for a while. Most sentences either do well without them or they can be replaced with a verb that cares for you.

Likes/Dislikes:

-Your ability to paint out scenarios pretty damn well, and your usage of descriptions isn't over done, but enough to immerse your reader into the story line. I'm a little jealous.

-POC (People of color) characters!

-This is king of falling in that "too-safe-and-frill" fantasy children's book. Nothing extraordinary is occurring, but I still thinks it works. Almost like a Jason Mraz song. *Frowns*

-I'm kind of getting an Alice in Wonderland (the live-action movie) feel from this, and I don't know how I feel about that.

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

-I didn't catch any.

-However, that doesn't mean another reviewer won't.

- I lied, oops, you have a couple run-on sentences that could easily be made into their own sentences.

-Specifics: Soft sunlight bathed the valley and wind rustled the vibrant green grass, lovely pink cherry blossom petals were scattered sparingly throughout the scene, but perhaps the most breathtaking was the large castle at the end of the narrow valley.

-Girl.

-If you don't relax... (-5)

-Suggestion: Soft sunlight bathed the valley and wind rustled the vibrant green grass, lovely pink cherry blossom petals were scattered sparingly throughout the scene. Perhaps the most breathtaking sight was the large castle at the end of the narrow valley.

-However, it's still a bit too flowery and there's one too many adjectives. Pare it back.

- Another one: It was made with beautiful architecture, of timeworn stone and traces of silver, a place fit for royalty.

-Suggestion: It was made with beautiful architecture of timeworn stone, and traces of silver; a place fit for royalty.

-And another one: The two guards, dressed in tight black outfits, now stood at both sides of the queen, who sat in a large golden throne.

-Suggestion: The two guards dressed in tight black outfits, now stood at both sides of the queen. She was perched on a grand golden throne. [Maybe go into detail on how it appeared]

Where you need to improve:

-Only use adverbs when you have no other choice, but to use the herpes.

-Comma usage.

-Run-on sentences. (-1)

-Chapter one was close to perfect, its chapter two where the problems began to show.

-You really need to edit your chapters, and work on everything I stated above.

Why/When I stopped reading: I stopped reading in the middle of chapter two, and it's also where you lost most of your points.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get..............................

*Drum rolls*

GUMMY BEARS!!!!!!!!!! All of these gummy bears are seriously making me crave them right now, curse you!

Anyway, I gave you a vote and added you to my private library. You have a very interesting story on your hands, and I'm intrigued of where this road takes Flare. Good luck!