Note: Yikes, I fell asleep. (Also, just now posting this for editing sake, since my sleeping schedule is such GARBAGE.) Yup, that is the excuse I'm going with. I'm garbage, we know this. Let's get this show moving!

Word Count: 2913

Title: Faeriedon

Genre: Fantasy

Blurb:

A rose by any other name is just as deadly...

When young women in the mortal world start vanishing, no one suspects that the culprit lies in another dimension; one filled with magic, lies, and betrayal. In Faeriedon, three women become entangled in a deadly game of vengeance and escape.

Jeanne, the erstwhile Beauty, seeks to avenge her sister's death and exact revenge upon the father who sold her to the Beast.

Caileigh, tormented by Beauty and hunted by the Beast, desperately yearns for a way home.

Andrae, anguished by the deaths she witnesses, is determined to rescue Caileigh in place of the sister she failed.

The touch of a rose brings forth every secret, every desire, and no hand is left unstained by blood.

Fay- ri- don.

Faerie - fairyland, the world of faerie. Variant of fairy.

Status: Ongoing

~

Starting Points: 30

Cover: I've always been a fan of this cover from my days of cover scavenging. *Sighs*

Title: At this point, I loathe the sight of the term "faerie". The fact that it's spelled that way always did grind my gears, but I can never explain why it ticks me off. I still can't. At least this title is a bit more imaginative, but I still can't help but hiss at it underneath my breath every time I see its prefix. *Grimaces*

Blurb: Don't have anything bad to say about this, really. I'd read this in my free time, actually I think I did previously add it to my library in the past? I'm guessing I never got to it, but I don't think I'm imagining it? Anyways, best summary in the "summer" special I've read so far. *Crosses arms*

Plot: Girl gets taken to magical land where she has to survive and....turns out none of this happens yet. Wow, misleading much?

Opening thoughts:

*Finishes reading chapter one in two and a half sittings*

-Huh. Color me impressed! This is actually a good opening chapter, considering. *Audience gasps*

-Okay, let me calm down. This book has been trapped in my library for centuries, collecting dust, and possibly pushing up daisies for how long it went without being read. So, now I have a chance to finally read the thing and boy it doesn't disappoint! For the most part!

-To get this out of the way, this opening chapter succeeds with introducing the main character Caileigh and this weird stillness that truly does creep up on the reader throughout the chapter. Its there, but you can never put a finger on it or pinpoint it and it does it pretty well. The backdrop for the story being in Jamaica is a great surprise too. It's a nice change from the usual locations chosen on Wattpad, so yay for representation!

-There are things that bother me with this chapter, but I'll complain about that in the sections below and continue onto chapter two. Hoorah!

-Chapter two isn't much of any help. The readers learn a few more things about Beauty and get introduced to two more characters in Australia this time around.

Characters:

-Caileigh. She seems to be a multifaceted character, but there isn't much for the audience to grasp onto. However, I will say she does have a distinct voice. Actually, all of the characters presented at the moment have a distinct voice, which is a blessing. Without giving away anything, Caileigh is a girl who has a prevalent fear about getting captured on the 13th and it's a consistent fear throughout the chapter, is Jamaican, and isn't easily angered. That's all I can really say for her at the moment, which is neither a good or bad thing. It's enough that I'm not annoyed but intrigued. Come back to me on this. *Future me slumps down on a comforter*

-Well, I guess if you tilt your head a little, Caileigh is actually Jamaican Bella Swan from Twilight. In a sense (at least) with how ridiculously passive she is. So there's that. *Stares into camera*

-Stacy. The local "Beautiful Aunt" of exposition. She seems real enough though. Like I can see her as someone actually existing in an island community, you know? The one who never minds their business, with good reason, and looks out for peeps, and probably braids hair too. Apart from her probably being youngish for that trope, and her conventional beauty, I'm not going to front about it that much since I don't see this enough on here to consider it as a stereotypical character in Wattpad books (let alone popular literature). She gets a slide, and no one will argue with me on this. *Points warning finger, backs away into corner, drinks cranberry juice*

-Ava. This character is kind of weird. Weird in the sense that it's a bit difficult pinpointing her into a certain category. She's certainly isn't very good, I'd even go so far in calling her an ass because she is, but I'm guessing Caileigh isn't a typical good person either? I don't know I'm getting mixed signals from the both of them, but that's normal with real-life people so that isn't the problem. (I don't know why people screech on here about consistent characters. Sure people are consistent on a certain degree and strive for consistency, but I think we're pretty contradicting ourselves. It kinda is the balance that makes people, people.)

-From their conversations, it seems like the world they're in isn't for the fainthearted (perhaps, I may be chatting shit) and they both dabble in criminal activity. The first chapter is pretty fucking vague (with information) now that I think back to it, and its kind of annoying but also admirable for treating the audience like we're not simpletons all the while putting to much trust in us. Nonetheless, this vagueness can be an opening chapter's downfall (in a way, it still is. Yeah, yeah, I'll elaborate later on, shut up.), but there are enough apprehension and mystery there that it carries the chapter. Anyway, guessing from the blurb this character is a side character, which sucks. I'd like to see more of her, but boo the author hates us. Moving on!

-The rose. (Yes, I'm including this as a character--that bih can do tricks, so fight me!) The rose scene is intriguing, in the sense of making the readers try and guess why that faerie chick left it there and what not, but that's about it. I have no idea what happened there. What did it exactly do besides circus and Medium tricks? What is the point of that scene? The rose seems to just fuck with her before poofing away. It's a rather rushed scene that doesn't accomplish a lasting impression other than confusion bro. (-4)

-Beauty. A kidnapping, murderous fairy--or, excuse my french, "faerie"? She also seems to be a creepypasta being taken seriously, too. Who the fuck knows though since the author is barely giving anything up. *Sneers* (-5)

-Update: Apparently, she is also a serial killer. Nice, nice. Kind of ew, but nice.

-Andrae. *Crickets chirp*

-Just kidding! Haha. I love adding these poor jokes for my entertainment. Anyway, Andrae is thirty-five, presented as the caring old sister to Zara before the readers learn that she knows Caileigh's older brother, Ryan, and she's a representative for Australia/a cop. All we know are those facts, she's working on the Beauty case (possibly), and vines may grow on her back. Again, this character could benefit from some interwoven exposition though since she still doesn't seem fully realized or it isn't enough for me to latch onto her quite yet...

-Zarra. Smarter than anyone gives her credit for, kind of weird. Not really sure what this kid's age is but I'm guessing it isn't fifteen, right? Younger, huh? I'm guessing ten? *Blinks slowly*

-UPDATE: Oh god, this is why I read things over and over, Zarra is twenty years old, Y'all. UM. (-2)

-Anyway, from the blurb we know this character is basically dunzo by the end of chapter two so I can't really care about her presence because I know she'll get axed anytime now. Update: I guess her offing is getting stalled until later because she's still kicking and all. *Pouts*

-Sure, that sounds bad and I'm technically spoiling (blah) but it's in the blurb for Pete's sake! Blame the author for my disinterest in this character's survival! (-1)

Dialogue:

-Pretty natural and believable. Though I did peep some too obvious exposition delivered through it that could have been given or...concealed better, for a lack of a better word, but it can be forgiven. Taking off points for also not cluing the readers into, what is essentially an inside joke between friends at this point, the whole Beauty nonsense. (-2)

Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me):

-I did see some errors, but I can't remember where they are so I'm pretending that they aren't there. Boop! (Overall, it's good from what I can tell.)

Inconsistencies (if any):

-The scene with the rose is low key confusing. Maybe high key. Actually, back up a little, the scene with Ava is confusing too. Why? Well, I'll start with Ava first for the sake of (chronological) order. Ava and Caileigh's "relationship" is wonky as shit.There's a hint from Stacy that Ava is a flaming cunt, but nothing could prepare me for the mess of a conversation they have inside Caileigh's house. I'm exaggerating, of course, but my point still stands. Anyway, Ava spews her ratty exposition for the day then turns into some wild animal? Bare with me now, but not literally into a wild animal but she goes from the usual snarky shenanigans to randomly turning into Nevel Papperman, of all people.

-And holy shit did that take forever to find this shit's name! Fuck Nevel, and especially that turd mountain called Lewbert! *Shudders*

*Spits on the floor in disgust*

*Paws the air desperately*

-God, iCarly was a mess. I just had war flashbacks. Back to my point! Maybe she's not Nevel (can't even really remember what his character was about besides screaming and "evilness"), but the scene is just off, uneven. I kid you not, Ava bares her teeth (she really does it) and the imagery only makes her look like Jim Carrey as the Grinch to me, but by all means, do it--if messing with the tone of the conversation is the point of that scene.

-What I'm getting at is that I can't tell whether if these two are friends trolling each other (which I strongly doubt with all the evidence standing against it, but I'll entertain the possibility), frenemies, associates that are stuck with each other through circumstance, coworkers, weird relatives, or...trading partners for Yugi-oh cards? Which one is it?! Why is Ava even a house guest? Why would Caileigh let her stay at her home? Does Caileigh herself even know why she's letting Ava stay with her? How long has Ave been a "house guest"? Is it only for the 13th? Is there a real reason why this information is being kept from the audience? What do either of them have to gain by being in the same house? Is Ava only there to start the plot on Caileigh's end, give exposition, then fuck off when she's served her purpose?!

-If so, that is beyond stupid and there isn't enough context given for these two to be in the same room, let alone the same house.

-It's in these cases that some exposition is needed for clarity. (-5)

-Beauty is another too vague mystery that is mentioned in dialogue and never elaborated on. She or it can legit be ominous cauliflower and I would not know the difference. (-3)

-The only ambiguous mystery here that works is "October 13th" because the characters' feelings about it are consistent, understandable from what's been given, so it makes sense. This is odd though since Beauty is the reason why October 13th is feared but yet the mystery around her lacks the qualities the date itself has. She doesn't seem to be a consistent force , but the date that she does her "deed", is. (-2)

-How the fuck is Zarra TWENTY?!

-How is Ryan running his hands through his hair? Like, it's mentioned that his hair is kinky, but how kinky are we talking? Kinky, most of the time though, means that you cannot run your hands through your hair like a person with let's say 4B. (Eh, not all 4B hair can do that, maybe fully moisturized? 4A or 3C is a safer bet. I'm not a hair specialist so don't take my word for it ha.) The curls are a lot more tougher and tight, and unless he wants to get his fingers stuck in it, that's not really a thing anyone does with that texture of hair. I've never seen it. I have pretty kinky hair myself and since I haven't gotten a haircut recently (I'm broke/keep on spending my money on food and bills), the most I do if I'm not moisturizing/washing it is twist it out of boredom or the occasional itch. (-1)

Likes/Dislikes:

-I like the vibe of the first half of chapter one. I think it's great at setting up a desolate, creeping-up type of fear and to an extent, psychological horror on a community (apparently, the world), and particularly on a girl/young woman. If it was developed further, even throughout Ava and Caileigh's conversation, it would have made a stellar opening chapter. There's an effort, I think, to keep that fear standing through the conversation but it ultimately failed not even halfway through. For the most part, I think it succeeded in retrospect, but not quite by not extending and keeping that ominous hand longer.

-October 13th did so great, I wonder how October the 16th will do! *Claps hands together and smiles*

-Cailieigh and Andrae's connection is pretty cool, seeing that progress further might be interesting.

-The fact that Beauty targets women solely can make an interesting storyline and allegory statement on our current reality, if it's a certain group of women (*coughs* women of color *coughs*). Not sure if that's the angle, but just putting it out there...

-Half of the characters seem like real people. Okay, "a majority".

-There's this constant feeling that the story is running away from me, the reader, and I can't keep up. And this isn't an issue of pacing. Also, there's a nagging feeling that I missed something because of how much subtext there seems to be throughout the text. Can't really say I know what's going on fully, but maybe I'm dumb, or slow. There's instances where I can summarize the gist of what's happening or what just happened but once I get that needed footing on this fickle "rug" (we'll just call it that for now), the rug is pulled under me and throttles away at full speed, making me chase after it with my pants around my knees. Which, might I add, is pure tyranny that I will not stand for! So rude in every way man. I've had to read the same chapters and sentences so many times, it's fucking tiring. Give. More. Context. I can't implore this hard enough. If I continue, I'll get potholes. Science has proven this. (-5)

-Too much useless exposition given through dialogue, without much meat. I'm turning into a broken record, I know.

-Beauty remains an enigma and the characters treat her as if she's Voldemort for no good reason. Yeah, sure, she's a serial kidnapper and killer but that's not that impressive. This may just be me, but who cares her whole shtick is obnoxious to me. Until her presence is actually felt like October 13th, she can choke! (-1)

-The readers are still in the dark even by chapter 2.2. Like...(-1)

My Takeaway:

-It's kind of hilarious that I start off actually liking some of these books, but I spend so long deconstructing my own opinion on on one or two chapters that I end up hating/disliking it more than I should. Amazing. That's the only way I can explain what just happened here.

Why/When I stopped reading: I stopped reading after chapter three, but your points ran out at the beginning of chapter three. Pretty impressive.

Gummy Bears or Dust: You get.............................

*Purchases a new drum*

*Clears throat*

*Drum roll*

A FIFTY POUND BAG OF FLOUR!--Wait a what? That doesn't seem to add up...Yeah, that statement makes no sense either because it kind of suggests that I actually have a formula of reaching these verdicts, which is pretty absurd in every way LOL. Comedy. *Sighs*

Anyway, I kind of battled with myself on this verdict, but it's 8 AM and sleep is looking great, so consider yourself lucky since I almost gave this dust because I'm an idiot. This is pretty neat regardless of its faults so I'll stay tuned when/if you repost it. I'm sure when you're finished rewriting it'll be better though, so flour you get. UPDATE: Just woke up. It's 4 PM, so...Gotta blast!